OK Final vesrion 4 now!

[ctg]

[quote=2ndchance;1199964]

Humankind’s Second Chance

Name

Brief Synopsis

[quote]

You want it to be brief, no longer then three pages in double spacing. It's a very short story that you're writing. You can only write it from protagonist POV, first or third person. But everyline has to show.

[2ndchance]

Thanks guys, I am going back to the drawing board, a complete re-write, what is going on woke me at 02;30 (am) but I got it so be back in a day or three when I get it right this time.

[2ndchance]

'By Jove I think he's got it! Ok what I have done is scrapped all my notes, too many pages of toot' and sat down, thought about my tale and written a synopsis in the same way the novel is written (well to some degree) about the individuals and their plight, thoughts and emotions (thanks dear Teresa). A covering letter can set the scenes.



So here goes lets see if You prefer this.



Australian ‘surfing dude’ Jezzel sits peering through the window, ‘hmmm 140 degrees, again, how are we going to survive this, more importantly how is Mother Nature going to survive?’ Upon arriving home, he receives an email inviting him in secrecy to travel on Quest 2 in search of a new planet. Jez now faces real turmoil how he cannot tell Raqualla his wife, who to compound issues further has fallen pregnant. All the time un-be-known to Jez, Raq too has been selected also for her communications expertise. January closes her tired eyes for another year and soon Jez must leave. His mind dances between telling Raq or not, finally with only 3 days to go he informs her tight lipped only to find she too has been selected, unthinkably though for Quest 1. They believe, perhaps naively their baby will benefit from this venture.

Soon they are at the South pacific spaceport and knowing this is the point of no return they bid their farewells, maybe for the last time. On board Melinda, Jez’s team leader enigmatically introduces him to Tim whom Jezzel will work with closely, Rachael who Tim will become intimately involved with, quiet Melissa who much later forms a relationship with Melinda and not least, beautiful Roxy. Roxy has a sultry smoky American accent and she and Jez have an instant report. Somehow Jez although always seen with Roxy somehow manages to stay seemingly platonically at arms length, much to Roxy dismay, something she confides in with Rachael of her unrequited love. Jez meanwhile having found he can communicate with Quest 1 often alludes to his wife Raqualla and how well she and her pregnancy is going, this only serving to wrangle Roxy emotions further.

This team form a strong, emotional and often philosophical bond, being able to talk candidly about their poignant journey, how their memories, which Jez describes, ‘like an old friend who visits when they are needed’, are failing them. Having found a planet that appears to have been ruined by some previous race and upon discovering a signal running for thousands of years they question humankind’s original path. This leads them to question the reasoning for God and if God is a design to keep the masses on track, and do people really believe in one overriding power of attorney. Importantly for some will he or she travel with them? This group along with Savorn who has now joined their team effortlessly with her eloquent and profound comportment discuss the failings of humankind and after much deliberating; they combine to introduce a new constitution.

Deimos a leading scientific individual informs them all alarmingly they have lost total contact with Quest 1. Their pilgrimage has now reached Andromeda, a new planet has been found and after many issues none least with the ongoing communications problems they are due to start colonisation. The science department settle upon sending a series of probes in search of Q1. Some weeks later, they have settled quickly onto this beautiful planet where the air caries a sweet smell and the cool morning sun invigorates all. Jez sits again with Roxy confiding he has almost forgotten what Raqualla looks or sounds like, suggesting, ‘hmmm, you know what hunni, as long as I know they are OK, I am sure I can move on, but I now understand how closure works.’

Some time later and still as strong Melinda’s group are to travel to the north where the mountains meet the sea. Their job will be to set a communications station for those who are now ready to spread from their initial encampment. Upon arriving, they discover a forest that due to its unique formation has a microclimate similar to a rain forest. The food supply is plentiful here although one of their new friends dear Kataleena again poisons herself trying berries and fruits much to the annoyance and frustration of Jez. Many choose to stay here and set camp, Roxy who is clearly, now feeling a little left out with the appearance of Kat chooses to return with Melinda and Rachael confiding she does not feel needed. They set off back to base camp; alarmingly the following night Roxy awakens and without telling any body and with no previsions sets off back toward Jezzel.

Now do I tell them what happens when she gets back if she gets back?????????



Happy Steve

[ctg]

Does your book end like that? If it does, then you tell them no more. Only concentrate on cleaning up the prose and making it flow like a water. The bit that I didn't get,

This leads them to question the reasoning for God and if God is a design to keep the masses on track, and do people really believe in one overriding power of attorney.

What does it mean?

[2ndchance]

Hi ctg and thanks,

It ends with them declaring their love for each, Jez and Roxy. Point taken about the prose already started on that, I put this synopsis together at silly o'clock this am. trying to compress 100,000 words into one page (ouch).

Overriding power of attorney' as in one God that see over all?? Asking do people really believe this. It actually starts with a computer asking such, one that has no emotions but wants some! But does not warrant a place in the synopsis. (or maybe it does) !!



Steve

[Boneman]

Hi Steve,

I'm going to be really radical here, and ask you to consider what I've writ below, Not because it's in any way better, but I think you're going round in circles, and it might help focus a little. We know synopses have to be short, and you're struggling with this (as we all do!!) and still putting in speech from characters, which just doesn't belong there [anyone else out there, feel free to disagree with me!!]

Hopefully the rest of the community will comment, and you'll do more work, and more work, and more work, and get something that is as close to perfect as it can be.

You ask about when you should submit this to agents etc, and my answer is: only when it's ready. Ha! When is that? There's a thread recently that asked about re-submitting work to the same agents after a re-write, should we do it? the answer is no, not unless they ask for it. I would urge you to have a professional critique of your book done. I know it costs money, but these guys are PROFESSIONAL in all senses of the word. Apparently there's some guy called John Jarrold, who's quite good...

[Boneman disappears from forums for a year, only allowed back after abject apology, and large bribe....]

I submitted my first book because I thought it was great, and loads of people told me it was, as well. After quite a few rejections I had a critique prepared professionally, and felt really embarrassed that I'd sent the first version out, because it could have been soooo much better, no wonder I was getting rejections, is what I thought. I've done three re-writes since the critique and I'm doing more, based on what I'm learning here. I'll probably have another one done. Why? Because I want the best possible chance that my book is the best it can be before sending it out. Yes it costs money, but it is worth its weight in gold, and I mean that most sincerely (thank you and goodnight Hughie Green). The fact is that I (inadvertently) shut doors that I shouldn't have. I cannot re-submit to those I've already sent the first version to, because on the day it arrives, along with the other 99 that lthey get every day, they will say "Hmm, read this already, bin it" . Cruel but true. So please don't let your enthusiasm for your own work spoil your own chances.

Lecture over.... read on.

Firstly, the title: Humankind's Second Chance. I'm just not sure this is a title that will attract (but I bow to your judgement if you feel it's important). The title gives the game away, we know what the book is about already. If I saw this on shelf, I'm not sure it would make me pick it up. Have you considered "Exodus" or "Second Exodus" or "Final Exodus" or just "Second Chance"? All these seem more attractive, there's a small hook that makes us want to know a little bit more at first glance. I feel that putting 'Humankind's' in the title is a bit off-putting, but let's see what others might feel. It's as though you want to give us the broadest sweep of what the book is about, whereas in actual fact it's a book about Jez and Raqualla, and their adventures......the environmental issues are completely secondary to their story, even though they form an important part of what the story is about.

So, without even reading your book, here's my attempt at a synopsis, based on what you've put up already:

2076. Two ships leave a failing Earth far behind as they seek a new life in the stars. Chosen specialists from every field have been selected in secret to join the two arks that represent Mankind's second chance. Each ship carries ten thousand souls, and complete eco-systems to sustain them on their long journey.

Communications specialist Jez is separated from his pregnant wife Raqualla in the chaos of the departure and they find themselves on different ships. As they journey into deep space, tensions simmer within different groups. Jez is thrown together with Roxy, and struggles with his attraction to her.

When they enter the Milky Way, they discover a signal that has been emanating from a planet for 35,000 years. The planet is uninhabitable, but there is evidence to suggest that this may have been the origin of mankind. Deeply disturbed, the ships press on, and when communication is lost between the two ships, Jez is eaten up with guilt, blaming himself.

When an apparently perfect planet is discovered, colonization begins. Tensions rise, as disagreements about the best way forward erupt. Groups splinter, and Jez finds himself with Roxy. Raqualla is lost somewhere in space.

Okay, I've invented the bit about Jez blaming himself, but he ought to... he's a comms specialist! And tensions should simmer on the ships, it's human nature. If everybody's happy and just discussing religion and philosophy, it's going to be a very boring journey.

[2ndchance]

Boneman,

Brilliant mate. not sure I agree with all you say but value the majority. Happy they are but many interesting things happen, and there is much emotional turmoil although little conflict. Jez is profoundly phylosophical and sees things slightly differantly than most, so no he does not blame himself and after all Raq too choose to go!

As for th book I have had it read and to be honest it was money well spent. interestingly that was the easy bit for me, writting the novel that is. What I am struggling with is the blinking synopsis, although I am pleased with what I did at silly o'clock this morning. that siad some of your version will slide in nicely, as the vicar suggested!

There is much dibiaty about what should and should not go in a synop'. I have re-worded some of it and for now am going to sit back await Teresa who is back tomorrow and look for others input.

Unfortunately there are two other books called second chance, this being my first choice.

I really value all the effort you have put into this and along with Teresa and you both are in my thank you list ready for publication lol

Sicere thanks

Steve

[Boneman]

Steve, I'd be horrified if you agreed with everything I suggested, even I don't do that....

You've got a really strong voice, that comes over well, and your passion is going to see you through, because it's obvious how much you love writing, and you're prepared to learn......in which case you can do just that, and you will become a better writer because of it. That's why we're all here, I think. Maybe you should consider putting up the first page or two of 2nd Exodus, oops, sorry: Humankind's Second Chance. (Actually, if they originated from Portia, wouldn't this be their Third Chance?).

Good luck, anyway.

[2ndchance]

Boneman, funny thing 3rd chance, they obviously do discuss this, well ask or even dare I say colourfully 'intimate'.

Any way, interestingly I got the idea of snippets of dialogue from the tag below that Teresa sent me.


thanks for the opinion about a strong voice, others have suggested this, indeed the proof reader also again intimated or even better eluded to.

http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/forum/944487-post5.html

it's worth a read

Thanks again I have learnt so much from you guys on here and not many bad words either, just I can't or even couldn't write a synopsis!!


Steve

[2ndchance]

Oh flip it, Boneman, have I really got to put the first couple of pages up here??

But, but I frightened!

The Rain


Chapter 1

HMMMM not just yet, or, maybe; arm being pulled gently back!


Steve

[Boneman]

There you go, Steve, I just learned something....courtesy of your link to Teresa. Funny, I always think of her as Tereeza, but I wonder if she is Teraisa.....

[quote] If you can, include a few short bits of dialogue, a small amount of description. (This applies more to the two or three page synopsis than to the one-pager, where you may not have room). For instance, instead of simply saying, “she refuses his offer,” you put in an abbreviated version of what she actually does say. This brings the character to life and conveys some of the flavor of the novel.[/QUOTE]

since mine was the one page type, I didn't have to, but it shows you were perfectly correct in doing so.

Since you only asked for the synopsis help, don't feel pressured into putting the chapter up, but I am intruiged to see Jez's humour. Send it to me in a message if you prefer....... I promise not to post it here when you're not looking {unknots his crossed fingers....}

[Teresa Edgerton]

It's ter-ee-sah.

You're continuing to improve a lot, Steve, but because a lot of agents only want the one page synopsis these days, I think it should be condensed. Boneman has given you a very good example of how that's done, although of course you should do it in your own words and style, so that your own voice continues to come through.

As for the whole question of dialogue (gosh, I hate it when my own words come back to haunt me!) ideally any you include in the synopsis should come from the more dramatic scenes. As you have it now, the dialogue seems to come from the characters' more contemplative moments. A better place to do this (for instance) might be when Jez and Raq say farewell, since I imagine this would be a pretty heart-wrenching moment, no matter how brave and hopeful they are trying to be, and I would also imagine their last words to each other would reflect that.

The way the synopsis reads now, the story comes across as more lyrical and philosophical than exciting and intense. You will know better than I whether that better represents your story, but if there is emotional turmoil and personal struggle within the story, I think you should give that more emphasis in the synopsis, since that is what is likely to engage an agent or an editor's attention.

And here is what I suggest that you should do: Rewrite the synopsis, then put it aside for a couple of days at least, then tackle it again. I think it's wonderful the way you are so receptive to advice, but you need to take more time to internalize it before you act on it.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Well I'm certainly no expert on synopsis writing presentation or pen and paper for that matter. However, It seems to me this synopsis is getting longer and longer and... Soon I wont have to buy the book.

Using my

'What attracts me to a book in a book shop method'

by the time I'd read your last version I would have moved on long before the end (before the end of the first paragraph actually). I can't believe agents publishers have more than a few minutes to spare on reading 'brief' synopsis' so I think this would end on the 'life's too short pile'. Sorry to be harsh.

The original was at least a length you could read between coffee sips.

As I said though, my views on this may be complete rot, so forgive my harshness.

Now as the long synopsis this may be a good start, though I assume this would be further down the line somewhat.

[2ndchance]

I take your points guys, but this is starting to go in circles now. This does fit on one page single space, 25mm borders, 12pt Garamond!

I can slim it down and had intended to do just that, where do you stop though, will this ever be the tale you want it to be?

If I am honest, I am now a little confused (and I am not thick).

I take the points about it may be too philosophical etc.

By the way I spelt you name as it is at the side <<Teresa. So I apologise as I have clearly offended you.

Steve

[Teresa Edgerton]

No, no, there's no problem with the way you spell my name. Boneman raised the question of how it was pronounced, and I answered him.

As for the length of your synopsis, it may fit on a single page now, but it doesn't appear to go all the way to the end of the story as you've described it before. And there has to be room for that.

I can slim it down and had intended to do just that, where do you stop though, will this ever be the tale you want it to be?

The book is the tale that you want it to be. The synopsis is the tool you use to get the agent or editor to want to read the book, by demonstrating that you have (potentially) an exciting story with engaging characters and a coherent plot. Then, when they read the chapters or pages you've sent them they find out what else the book has to offer.

Clearly your book is more than just the adventure and the romance, but you have to sell them on those aspects first. Once you've put them into a receptive mood with the synopsis, the book has a chance to work its magic.

A synopsis can't exactly duplicate your style of writing, which is what I think you are trying to do in this last version.

I also think you were much closer to where you need to be with the version you put up just before I left on Monday. It needed some pruning and tweaking, but it was in the right form and style. You were almost there, but then you overshot the mark.