Seleana's Song - Opening

[Malloriel]

My first real attempt at first person. Just the very introductory set up and very little to nothing else. I do hope to include more to give a better slice to critique, but the Chrons ate my other posting in The Great Crash of '08, and I thought it wise of me to add it again, as this is mostly uncharted territory for me, and anyone with some experience writing in, or enjoying the first person narrative would be most helpful to me in this endeavour. So thank you for your time, and I hope the bits below are gripping and entice you to crave more.

As a glossary note: The obscure date to the right of the post is native to Eleasia - Fourty-first generation since the True Dragons began recording the histories of the smaller races. Each Gen is 5000 years long, and they're currently in the year 1202 of the Fourty-first cycle. Gairthim is the month of Gairth, god of Time, day 21, and Naiyel G'thay means "Do not destroy". Our author would prefer his memoires be treated well after they've been completed.

And so, I give you: Seleana's Song.

---------------------------

Gen 41, 1202 – Gairthim 21 – Naiyel G'thay

Story telling is not a skill which comes easily to me. That was always her area of expertise. Words were her gift, her magic, part of what made her so unique and a pleasure to be near. Were she here now I'm sure the words would simply fall into place, as they always did, and weave for you the most intricate of tapestries, complete with shimmering threads of hope and the knowledge that the morning is always just a sunrise away. I regret, though, that it is through my humble hand and with my less accomplished mind that the tale should be told. It is only for the sake of her children and at the request of those who knew her best that I write this at all. Some have said I am too humble in this regard, to think myself unaccomplished in the bardic arts, but I would point out to them that is has taken me several lifetimes longer to become even this well spoken when others produce sonnets from birth.

Seleana was one such.

I was not fated to know her from the start, and so some of my tale has been woven not from personal experience and observation, but from those of the others, only some of whom I was given the chance to know. Halig knew her best of all the companions, not simply for having been in her company since the first meeting, but because of unbreakable bonds between them, which Edam helped forge. That day, when Halig first met her, was some 400 years ago, and only he and I remain from those who traveled with her. Halig lives by the grace of Trinescence, and so cannot leave the Shaetheryn palace without giving up his gift. I, however, still have most of my life left to live. Some days it seems harder and more tiring than others, but perhaps the telling in these manuscripts will ease my spirit and allow me to move on, allow me once again to see the sun and to take solace in its warmth.

Seleana Iilyriah; a gust of summer wind in the winter-chilled halls of a lonely castle keep. That's how Halig described her the day they met, and I will be the last to claim any differently from that ideal, as her presence was enough to brighten nearly any situation, and this I know first hand. But none of that now. I am to begin at the beginning if I am to start at all, so it was in the Spring that they first met.

[AlexM]

Sounds a bit mysterious, do they live to like 500 years old or something? Wouldn't mind seeing where this goes.

P.S I would try and critique but my skill is not that good so don't want to make a mistake. Just putting my view in on it.

[pyan]

Oh, I do like this, Mallo - reads like real history, and from me that's a compliment of a high order.

The only quibble (and a very small one) is the line

"I, however, still have most of my life left to live."

It seems to me to jar with the rest of the paragraph ( ...only he and I remain from those who traveled with her - Some days it seems harder and more tiring than others...) which gave me the distinct impression that here was someone getting the story down on paper before it is lost forever, with the passing-on of the last witnesses to the events they are about to recount: indeed, the whole piece has this overlying idea, that the events happened a long time ago, and need recording before it's too late...

Hooky? Yes - those first three short sentences are, (and I rarely use the word), excellent, with a real sense of pulling in to the story.
One of the few pieces I've seen here that's (IMAO) up there with the good published stuff.

[Boneman]

Ooh, intruiguing... what a good opening. If you have any qualms about writing in the first person, I'd doubt that you can't pull it off, if the rest is anything to go by.

The best first person narrative I've read is 'The Name of The Wind' by Patrick Rothfuss. He carries it off brilliantly, and funnily enough, switches to the third person periodically to break up sections of the storytelling. He's telling a tale of the past, like you, and presumably you're going to tell us what Halig experienced, so you can drop into the third person if you need to?

Blimey, (English word of surprise) if Seleana puts this narrator into the shade as much as the narrator tell us, you've got a herculean task putting that over - I love this wordsmith already!

ps: please stop putting such excellent work here, it makes the rest of us feel inadequate (English self-deprecating humour.... and to be ignored totally!)

[Malloriel]

Originally Posted by AlexM

Sounds a bit mysterious, do they live to like 500 years old or something? Wouldn't mind seeing where this goes.

P.S I would try and critique but my skill is not that good so don't want to make a mistake. Just putting my view in on it.

Any suggestions or things that stand out to you, even as a reader, I feel are terribly important, so you shouldn't feel that you have no ability to suggest based on that. Now if you truly have no qualms, that's entirely different. ^_^ And his particular race lives about 3000 years, give or take a century at the end due to health.

Originally Posted by pyan

Oh, I do like this, Mallo - reads like real history, and from me that's a compliment of a high order.

The only quibble (and a very small one) is the line
It seems to me to jar with the rest of the paragraph ( ...only he and I remain from those who traveled with her - Some days it seems harder and more tiring than others...) which gave me the distinct impression that here was someone getting the story down on paper before it is lost forever, with the passing-on of the last witnesses to the events they are about to recount: indeed, the whole piece has this overlying idea, that the events happened a long time ago, and need recording before it's too late...

Hooky? Yes - those first three short sentences are, (and I rarely use the word), excellent, with a real sense of pulling in to the story.
One of the few pieces I've seen here that's (IMAO) up there with the good published stuff.

I'm ENTIRELY flattered, Pyan. He is one of the last. Everyone but Halig being very long since dead, and I hadn't thought to put him RIGHT at the end of his life, but that's absolutely a brilliant thing to do. And there will also be some explanation as to how he's writing it down for her children if he's so long outlived everyone else.

Again, I'm supremely pleased and flattered by your comment, and hope to provide more for your potential approval. ^_^!

Originally Posted by Boneman

Ooh, intruiguing... what a good opening. If you have any qualms about writing in the first person, I'd doubt that you can't pull it off, if the rest is anything to go by.

The best first person narrative I've read is 'The Name of The Wind' by Patrick Rothfuss. He carries it off brilliantly, and funnily enough, switches to the third person periodically to break up sections of the storytelling. He's telling a tale of the past, like you, and presumably you're going to tell us what Halig experienced, so you can drop into the third person if you need to?

The best I've read is Kushiel's Legacy by Jaqueline Carrey, but even with my love of that series in mind, I'm not doing mine in exactly the same style, as her first person is telling of her own experiences personally and things she learned after the events, whereas mine will shortly be splitting back into third person to recount everything up to his involvement, wherein first person will reassert itself. How far in that is, I haven't taken the time to fathom, but it should be quite a while. Halig did provide most of the details from the past as all our narrator knows of Seleana before his meeting with her is what Halig knows. Little was ever discovered of her life before meeting up with him, but he came to know her well and is an excellent authority to question to get the pertinent details.

Blimey, (English word of surprise) if Seleana puts this narrator into the shade as much as the narrator tell us, you've got a herculean task putting that over - I love this wordsmith already!

It will definitely be interesting to illustrate how Seleana is worlds apart from our narrator in story-weaving ability. She just may put me to task! But I did especially have to emphasise how long it's taken him to become even this well spoken, as a comment in my previous posting called his abilities into question. As you can see, he is NOT a terrible wordsmith, and that's unfortunately obvious. However, if you spent your less well-spoken years with a woman who could make grown barbarians weep by singing a simple war ballad with no other aid than a small lute, you're going to spend the rest of your very long life striving for that skill (if you're concerned with it at all), and feeling a failure for never achieving it.

I'm also very glad you like him. ^_^ I hope he becomes rather likeable the more you get to know him. In his youth, he's a much more stubborn and blustery individual, but, as she did with so many people, Seleana changed him.

ps: please stop putting such excellent work here, it makes the rest of us feel inadequate (English self-deprecating humour.... and to be ignored totally!)

P.S.

No.

=D

[shadowbox]

Now I have to burn every thing I have ever written and set my computer aflame, for I suddenly hate it all.

If I could write with half the eloquence you have managed, I would not be nearly as lost as I am.



And on another note, Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel legacy is what inspired me to write. I have read and re-read her series more times then I can count. You, my dear, are the first here that I have found, who has also read, and enjoyed her work.

[AlexM]

Well Malloriel, I find being young and all that I am not that reliable with what I am looking and may be wrong. I do try here and there if I see something dead set but usually will just say what I think about it.

[Malloriel]

Originally Posted by shadowbox

Now I have to burn every thing I have ever written and set my computer aflame, for I suddenly hate it all.

If I could write with half the eloquence you have managed, I would not be nearly as lost as I am.

If it's any consolation at all, you gave me a great laugh. Your humour is CERTAINLY not lacking. I honestly don't know if the words have always been there, or if it's been a learned skill, but I blame a little in both courts, personally. I read what I enjoy, stylistically, and even if a story is good, if I don't like the style I chuck it. I can't help that that's my preference. I'm probably giving less credit than is due some of this authors due to my tastes, but it means I do keep around me the styles I most appreciate, and methods I would either like to incorporate, or at least learn from. Dean Koontz, for example. I ADORE his style to pieces. The way the man uses metaphor and imagery is so masterful that at times it takes my breath away. I acknowledge, however much I wanted to emulate that kind of beauty, that it's simply not my style, and trying to capture it is a bit like trying to be a contortionist with no training after your fiftieth birthday. Oh, it can be done, but it's a painful and unnatural process, and most people aren't going to want to see it at that point. I can still admire him, though. I refer to his works for examples of killer first lines, too. The things he says to grab the reader, and that helped me grow as a writer too, expecially when going back after having read the book to see what elements he incorporates in that first line.

I've been writing since forever, and I even role played online for a while, which is much like writing an interactive story, if you've got the right people around you, though the format differs (read: run on sentences carry you through much of the description.) I say just plug on, dear Shadowbox, plug on. You will always be your own worst critic, which can definitely aid the self-editing process, as long as you don't take it to extremes and defeat yourself by hating everything in earnest. As long as you enjoy the act of building and fleshing out and writing a story, never stop, regardless of whomelse may enjoy it.

And on another note, Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel legacy is what inspired me to write. I have read and re-read her series more times then I can count. You, my dear, are the first here that I have found, who has also read, and enjoyed her work.

Dean Koontz definitely inspired me to write, and I copied his stories entirely, just changing the names and locations, and as a start it was fine. Everyone needs their inspiration, and again, as long as you enjoy it, never give it up. She [Jaqueline Carrey] floored me with her style. It's not just the words, its how much of the journey you're given. She doesn't rush anything. You don't feel like she sat back and assessed what action-packed portion she should jump to first, or next, or later. It wasn't one plot point trudging toward another. It was Phedre's story. Her life (and later Imriel's) unfolded before your eyes. Pieces that were related to the mysteries and trechery, and pieces that fleshed out the world. Pieces that implied other pieces, and bits of fluff that were relevent to who she became. That's the sort of thing I do hope to capture in this piece.

I've had my major times where I second guess an approach to the point that I hate the story entirely, and then I step back and relax and say "you know what? I'll write it the way I want to, and pull the pieces together, or rearrange them as they need it until the story is what it wants to be." That's all I can hope to do.



Never give up.

[shadowbox]

If I am never sure what I hate....I know what I love, especially when it comes to my own writing. I most certainly know what I want, tis only the matter of getting there that seems to be the battle. My mind paints a picture far more beautifully then my mouth can it seems. But I'm getting there. Like you said, it takes time. I think ever writer gets frustrated with there work at some point. I think too, we all love and perhaps even wish to protect it as if it were a child.