[obcooke]

Thanks for the reminder, Tokyogirl, it has been a while since this thread saw any action.

Let's throw out some more stuff ***up to and including Season Five:***

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WILLOW (on ice mochas): There's something in these. If I don't get my daily fix I start to get itchy.

XANDER: Well you gotta stop ordering the Crackachino.

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SPIKE: We like to talk big, vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world.' That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world... You've got... dog racing... Manchester United, and you've got people. Billions of people walking around, like Happy Meals with legs.

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SPIKE (to Buffy and Angel): You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it bloody kills you both. You'll fight... And you'll shag... And you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, its blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will.... I may be Love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

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WHISTLER: You know, raiding an Englishman's fridge is like dating a nun. You're never gonna get the good stuff.

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BUFFY: So... Let me get this straight. You're Dracula... The guy... The Count.

DRACULA: I am.

BUFFY: This isn't just a fan-boy thing, is it? 'Cause I've fought more than a couple of pimply, overweight vamps, who called themselves "Lestat".

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XANDER: Nice. Look whose got a bad case of Dark Prince envy.

DRACULA: Leave us.

XANDER: No, we're not going to "Leab you." And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street? "Vun, Two, Three - three victims! Maw ha ha!"

BUFFY: Xander, I'm pretty certain that's Dracula.

XANDER: Wow... Really?... Hey, sorry man... I was just... Jokin' around...


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BUFFY: You know, I think the thrall has really gone out of our relationship.

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GILES (on escaping the Three Sisters in the basement): Thank God you came. I was doomed. There was no possible escape... Is that my shoe? Silly me, I'll just pop down and...

RILEY: No sir, no more chick pit for you.

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RILEY: Buffy? Are you okay?

BUFFY: I'm good. Chock full of free will.

GILES: And Dracula?

BUFFY: Euro-trashed.

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XANDER: Where is he? Where's the creep who turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch!? I've got a flaming enema with his name on it...

BUFFY: He's gone.

XANDER: Damn it! You know what? I'm sick of this ****! I'm sick of being the guy who eats the insects and gets the funny syphilis! As of this moment, it's over! I'm finished being everybody's butt monkey!

BUFFY: Check. No more butt monkey.

RILEY: It could have been worse. At least you weren't making time with the Dracu-babes like Giles here.

XANDER: No kidding? You got tranced?

GILES: I did not. And I was not making time! I... I was just about to kill those loathsome creatures when Riley interrupted me.

RILEY: Really? You were gonna nuzzle 'em to death?

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XANDER: You know, maybe we're on the wrong track with the whole spell, curse, and whammy thing. Maybe what we should be looking for is something like, um, Slayer Kryptonite.

OZ: Faulty metaphor. Kryptonite kills.

XANDER: You're assuming I meant the Green Kryptonite. I was referring, of course, to the Red Kryptonite, which drains Superman of his powers.

OZ: Wrong. The Gold Kryptonite's the power-sucker. The Red Kryptonite mutates Superman into some sort of weird...

BUFFY: Guys!.... Reality!

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ANGEL: It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps. And I loved you.

BUFFY: Why?

ANGEL: 'Cause I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe, to warm it with my own.

BUFFY: That's beautiful... Or taken literally, incredibly gross.

ANGEL: I was just thinking that too.

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JACK: What are you, retarded?

XANDER: No, no, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything.

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CORDELIA: Xander, I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there, was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there's anything I could ever do...

XANDER: Do you mind? We're talking here... So, where were we?

WILLOW: Wondering why we never get dates.

XANDER: Yeah, so why do you think that is?

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OZ: I spoke to Giles. He says I'll be okay. I just have to lock myself up around the full moon... Only he used more words than that... And a globe.

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CORDELIA: It's one thing to be dating the lame, unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the Creature from the Blue Lagoon.

XANDER: Black Lagoon. The Creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields.

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OZ: How you feelin'?

WILLOW: My head... feels big. Is it big?

OZ: No, it's head size.

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XANDER: We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!

WILLOW: It was like the Heimlich, with stripes!

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WILLOW (to Buffy): Ooh, Scott Hope at eleven o'clock... He wanted to ask you out last year, but you weren't ready then, but I think you're ready now, or at least in the state of pre-readiness to make conversation, or to do that thing with your mouth that boys like... Oh, I didn't mean that bad thing with your mouth, I meant that little, half-smile thing that you... (to Oz) you're supposed to stop me when I do that.

OZ: I like when you do that.

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GILES: Oh, I... Um... Of course... It's wonderful to have you back... It goes without saying... But you enjoy making me say it, don't you?

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WILLOW: Oz is a werewolf.

BUFFY: It's a long story.

OZ: I got bit.

BUFFY: Apparently not that long.

[Anyone remember another episode where this punchline was used? - OB-Wan]

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CORDELIA: What? Do I have something on my neck?

VAMPIRE WILLOW: Not yet.

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XANDER: Did you hear about Willow getting into Oxnard?

WILLOW: Oxford.

XANDER: And MIT, and Yale, and every other college on the face of the planet, as in your face I rub it.

CORDELIA: Oxford, whoopee... Four years in tea bag central... Sounds thrilling. And MIT is a Clearasil ad, with housing. And Yale is a dumping ground for those who didn't get into Harvard.

WILLOW: I got into Harvard.

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BUFFY: Right... My birthday... Um... Actually... I... I do have a thing.

ANGEL: Oh!? A thing. A date?

BUFFY: Nice attempt at casual. Actually, I do have a date, older man, very handsome. He likes it when I call him "Daddy."

ANGEL: Huh?... Oh! Your father............. It is your father, right?

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OZ: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a... a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?

CORDELIA: What's the difference?

OZ: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.

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FAITH (to Buffy): I've had my share of losers, but you... You boinked the undead.

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WILLOW: It's a very intimate situation. It's all sexy, with the smoke and the sweating and the shoe rental...

XANDER: You're turned on by rented shoes?

WILLOW: That's not the issue.

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CORDELIA (to Giles): I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness, and found you all unconscious... Again! How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're going to wake up in a coma.

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BUFYY: Will, wait! I'm really sorry... I...

WILLOW: Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me.

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WILLOW: Jeez, who died?

[silence]

WILLOW: Oh God, who died?

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MR. TRICK: Why do they always gotta be using swords? It's called an Uzi, ya chump. Could have saved your ass right about now.

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