The Strange Crucifixtion

[Lobolover]

(A litle something I wrote recently,it took me longer to translate,not because I couldnt but because translating our own is kind a tiresome- theres no novelty in it.Also,if a word will seem iffy at the begining,please excuse it and point me to it,that I may refresh it.

I have one further tale that I consider,Mr. Carnari's Method,so I'll try posting it soon.)


The Strange Crucifixtion


Far away in the wilderness,four men walked. Each one of them was clothed in ragged remains of what once were clothes and they had each nothing else but a small wooden or clay cross hung around their necks.
They were four-Brother Philomen,muscular,
tall,with long beard and a bundle of red hair-Brother Demetrios,a small,fatish man with a short black moustache and bald head-
Brother Vsevolod,taller then Philomen,but thin like a leaf, with a short,golden stump of a beard-and finaly, Brother Michail,of uncertain age,with grey hair stil dark in some places,with a long,curved nose,who had eyes that were very blue.

They were the four Holiest in the land.They gathered here,to debate over the maters of the church,to return it to the estate of the church Fathers.
Here,in the deserted plains they were to give themselves over to god and by the dying sun,heated with the days heat,should concede to his will.

A great Message then had swept the land,that God wished that the church,numbed by power,estates and the selling and buying of Colonies,should be returned back to humility and rehabilitated.For this he chose,thanks to the visions of prophesies,four men, that were to witness great miracles and return- but there were only three rumoured to return and devote themselves to the reconstruction of the church, enlightened by the wisdom of their experience and the fourth......

No one realy knew,what was to be in store for the fourth,but acording to vague news,which the Chosen ones related it was evident,that He should be the subject of an even grater Mercy,then simple enlightement in leading of the church.From the uncertain hints made,their surounding understood that the fourth was never to return.

Each one had begun his journey on the same day-two had met up upon the way and imediately traveled onwards together.The other two,however,went separately .Only on the spot where all four met did they halt in their progress.Brother Demetrios then decided that they should abandon their quest for the remainder of the night,and to move again only upon daybreak.All were content with this,and lied down,wherever they were just standing.However, only two of them slept that night-Demetrios and Michail.
For the other two,who met up on the way,and who had for a long time walked together,Vsevolod and Philomen,have been silentely observing one another
for quite a while now,and even now,when they were suposed to enjoy every moment of their brief repose, they could not stop observing their comrade,without thinking:“Is HE to be the holiest?Holier then me?“

In the morning,imediately when the first ray touched the brow of Brother Michail,he rose and woke his fellows up,so as to continue on their trek.They walked for a further three hours,when they all one after another stoped before the foot of a huge tower, sudenly rising, solemn ,in the midst of the desert, high and shiny.Each one then felt a force emananting from within,which marked this place as the spot for their purpose.

Each had then dug a hole in the sand,to lie down like the church fathers used to do.
Before,however,they all loudly prayed and took out their cat-o‘-nine-tails and tore their backs red. There was nothing to eat afterwards.

The following day was wholy spent by prayers, asking God for a sign what to do next.However,not even the wildest spray of blood,driping under the cats whip, did bring a single Brother to enlightment. At dinner time,they all fell down,braught to near death by their exhaustion,into their holes and this time all of them,without exception,fell asleep.

At the time when the sleep of the Brothers Demetrius and Michail was wholy untroubled,the sleep of Philomen and Vsevolod was haunted by a long line of dreams-dreams,that the OTHER was chosen, while he himself was damned,engilfed by the sand, that when they shalt be fighting the bribery of the Romans, their enemy, for so they thought of the other since long ago-that their enemy shalt rest his head on Gods breast.Reproach and visions of their fall were shuned by dreams of glory ,deprived them and each sought to think up a thousand diferent deeds and trials they wished to undergo for the Glory of God.

Sudenly,Brother Vsevolod awoke in his lair.He sat here for a spell,engulfed by the silence, encircling them from all directions,.But then, the snorres of brother Philomen reached his ear.His whole frame began to boil with frustration,and adopting a resolve,he began to muse.

„God had lead us all no further then here,became silent and answered not one single prayer-one must be unfit,and why not him,he surely acts like a pig.“

His musing was cut short when his ears were again asailed by Brother Philomen’s nasal tones.Like having a knife stuck in his back,he rose sudenly and stood for a long time leaning over the blissfull coutnenance of Brother Philomen.Taking a small piece of rope that he formerly used to bind his garb,he managed to gently tie the mans hands together,so that he didnt wake.Then,begining to look around , he remembered that about half a mile back they had passed a rather large boulder.

He went by moonlight and found the stone easily, but geting it back to the camp proved a much biger problem.At times,he nearly lost his breath, for the stone was not one easy to roll .He was further troubled by the fact coming back to him how he had tied Philomen’s hands before,because the man may notice in his sleep and easily awake.So he toiled almost an hour,before he finaly rolled the rock to the edge of Philomen’s lair.No worries were needed after all-he was so exhausted by his constant self-torment,that he had not even begun to notice the rope.

The bigest worry at this point was,however, that Vsevolod may not let the stone fall quickly and acurately enough,so Philomen could wake in time and punish him.

Of course-would he act diferently,were he to see his nemesis,(both knowing what they felt for each other since the very first) besides his hole with a huge rock and himself with his hands all bound up?

Fear and the fact that the man may at any time wake up,compeled Vsevolod to muster all his strengths. Carefully,with more then human quickness and gentleness he had turned Brother Philomen on his belly and rolled the stone close to his head. Looking round-both remaining brothers slept calmly, in peace with themselves.Even the wind had stoped and Vsevolod was nearly suffocated by the stench in the still air which began to envelop him.One last look at Philomen sleeping of so calmly and then, with ice like temper,he flung the stone on the others head.

The impact woke the man at once and made him yell out.
However,he wasnt able to stand up imediately, because he rested on his own, bound hands and foremost,the stone resting on his head was made even heavier with Brother Vsevolod jumping on top of it and holding on as firmly as possible.Siting calmly, he observed the man rising and falling under the weight of the rock,with his feet constantly sliping on the sand ,while his head burrowed ever deeper into it,with ever more sand in his mouth and ears. The struggle,which was soon silenced,lasted only two minutes aproximately.Then the man began slowly losing his strength and finaly he fell powerless.

Vsevolod kept siting on the rock for a further hour ,before standing up,dusting his clothes and going back the same way he had come.Before he went, however, he half whispered his blessings to the other two brothers and wished them the greatest luck.

With the first rays of daybreak,Brother Michail’s eyes opened.However,what they saw made him close them again.He saw the body of Brother Philomen,huge,lying in his hole with head buried in the sand, under the weight of a large stone,all rigid and motionless.Brother Vsevolod was nowhere to be seen.

He imediately woke Demetrius and said that Evil had come and went,and that at any time,it may return.Demetrios noded and both at once looked to the top of the tower.Then,noting its form,they realised what great trial was ordered them. Michail turned aside in degradation,but Demetrios caught his shoulder firmly and said that it ceased to be THEIR decision a long time ago.Michail gave in.

Demetrios was first,while Michail gathered the few tools they had for cuting wood and followed him only a while later.Not one of them prayed.



Behind the home of A. A. Armitienych lies a huge field,belonging to the family for generations, returned to to the aging Armytienych by the new regime in a time,when a large transsmision tower had long stood in the middle of the field and he was not allowed to grow anything in a rather large circle round it.

It spoiled his mood greately,even when he hadnt lost that much-here it was a mater of principle,that he had promised to regain his fathers land and now he was to get but two thirds of it ,and adding he wasnt allowed to farm on a rather large part.

At times,he took long walks round theese fields and lamented dualy,for the tower reminded him greately of a cross,which for such an old christian family was an even greater insult.He considered returning that part of the field to the state,but that desired all or nothing.

As he was once goin‘ round,he sudenly noticed litle puffs of smoke rising from the head of the tower. After a whiles consideration,he advanced nearer and found there was something realy all the way up there.At the towers foot he had made an idea to himself what that could be,but he had refused to believe,till he had found a second,burned and mangled, having dug a huge hole in the ground in its fall.No mistake could be made.

The police had then found on the Towers head the body of some fat man,tied by some small chains to that part of the tower resembling a cross in a most blasphemous pose.Acording to official report, the other man had scorched him with the torn cables, before dying himself and falling to his "sure" death.Of the fate of the third man,the police could make no theory.

When the tower had been repaired and the police had pronounced a verdict upon the case,local newspapers printed the following message:

„The bodies of three members of a suposed suicidal cult had been discovered in N. recently. One of the men,seems to have repented and was then killed by his comrades . Someone of whose aditional presence evidence had been found,who was to our conjecture the possible „leader“ of the group, lead the two men to suicide ,most probably with the promise that he shall follow them,as evidenced by the four dug holes.After all was over,he had then seemingly dissapeared,without the slightest intention of following his comrades.This is a classic example, very common amongst the history of sects.“

[spiralcat]

I like it, and I know how hard translation is, :-)

[Teresa Edgerton]

Moved to Critiques.

[shadowbox]

They were four-Brother Philomen,muscular,
tall,with long beard and

I think it might go more like this.

They were the four-Brothers Philomen,muscular,
tall,with long beards and

I love the story though.

[Lobolover]

I didnt necesarily want to show them as an "official" group,but more like people who met-four brothers from four diferent places.Of course,that might not be true,

Also,thanks for the kind words,gentlemen.

[Boneman]

Love to help lobo, but the ghost in the machine is preventing me!!! Spent ages editing, suggesting, illuminating, but it won't let me post...sorry.

[Lobolover]

Excuse me?Maybe I can help.

[Boneman]

Lobolover,
I did critique your piece, spent a long time doing it, but for some reason it will not allow me to post it here for you. I have written to the moderator to see what the problem is, but I have a suspicion it's because your thread was moved. Strange that I can reply here, but not with a long letter/critique. I'll keep you informed....

[Lobolover]

Could you try PMing it to me and then I could post it here,should you want to do so?

[Boneman]

if at first you don't succeed....... chew it.

So, this is not about spelling mistakes and the like, just the story. As always, I know no better than you, but if it strikes a chord, then that's good.......

Each one of them was clothed in ragged remains of what once were clothes and they had each nothing else but a small wooden or clay cross hung around their necks.

I love the first part of the sentence, it says in a very few words that they are poor/reduced/stricken, and there's going to be trouble ahead, but the rest of the sentence is too long. Why do we have to decide if they are wearing wooden or clay crosses? Is it relevant? Consider this:

Each one of them was clothed in ragged remains of what once were clothes. Each had nothing but a small wooden cross hung around their necks.

Minimal, and a vivid picture. You introduce your characters in physical description, but I found it a tad confusing as to who was who (and at the end I had to go back and find out who was the fat one...). There's a lot of info dumped here, and it all follows hard on the previous descriptions, and blurs too much. Have you considered telling the tale through one of them? Using the third person, but only what they see, so that each brother is introduced slowly, with action between?

At the moment you have a God-like narrator, who tells us everything, and later what they think, and what they dream, even.

A great Message then had swept the land,that God wished that the church,numbed by power,estates and the selling and buying of Colonies,should be returned back to humility and rehabilitated.For this he chose,thanks to the visions of prophesies,four men, that were to witness great miracles and return- but there were only three rumoured to return and devote themselves to the reconstruction of the church, enlightened by the wisdom of their experience and the fourth......

No one realy knew,what was to be in store for the fourth,but acording to vague news,which the Chosen ones related it was evident,that He should be the subject of an even grater Mercy,then simple enlightement in leading of the church.From the uncertain hints made,their surounding understood that the fourth was never to return.

There's no mystery left, you've told us all the background, and then the potential conflict, so it's no real surprise when Vsevolod falls at the first hurdle. Nitpick - A great Message then had swept the land- this makes it appear that it happened after they met, you need to drop the word 'then', and I fully accept it is probably a translation thing.

If they are the holiest in the land, then there should be more made of how the two fall out. Although since we see it only from Vsevolod's point of view, I wasn't really sure that Philomen really felt that way, except that the narrator told us:

For the other two,who met up on the way,and who had for a long time walked together,Vsevolod and Philomen,have been silentely observing one another
for quite a while now,and even now,when they were suposed to enjoy every moment of their brief repose, they could not stop observing their comrade,without thinking:“Is HE to be the holiest?Holier then me?“

This is a bit clumsy, them both having the same thought in the same way, and a narrator telling us. You could hint at the conflict without telling us so much: Vsevolod and Philomen no longer walked together, though they had travelled the same road for days/weeks/months.

This way, we're allowed to make up our minds, we're not told what has happened between them, but we know it's not good. Less is more......

I feel you tell too much and show too little, and it's a shame because it's a great story with an ending that I didn't see coming. Perhaps if you consider telling it from Vsevolod's perspective until he disappears and then switch to Michal, it would flow more easily. Or, Vsevolod could be hiding and observe the actions of the others, and then walks into the desert, a complete man of mystery.

I think killing Philomen just because he snores is really tough.... especially as I snore! Wouldn't it be better, if, after the scourging Philomen actually had a revelation or (as far as Vsevolod is concerned), pretended to have one, and this is the final straw? If it's been hinted that one will not return, and Vsevolod now realises he's 'it', it would make more sense for him to kill, and then leave. Once one is dead, then the prophecy is fulfilled and he's safe. Perhaps he would be guilt-ridden if he sees the others die, or perhaps he just turns his back and leaves......

As I said the ending is great, but one small nitpick:

After all was over,he had then seemingly dissapeared,without the slightest intention of following his comrades.This is a classic example, very common amongst the history of sects.“

I think the last sentence should go. If you end after ....comrades, then we know something the Police don't, and readers always love that. I just feel that a) how do police know that? and b) it's a clumsy explanation by the police. Much better to end on a note of mystery as far as they are concerned.

Hope this helps, Lobolover. It's a good story, and I'm sure some of what I've said is around translation issues, especially the use of tenses, past and present. I'd like to see it expanded involving reincarnation, or spirits that don't rest........

[Lobolover]

To the crosses-I just felt a litle detail to help say how I pictured them would be nice.

To the confusion about names-well,its a thing of mine to use theese lines in a queer way,so it could happen.

Then,theres the mater of revealing that they both hate each other,or at least one of them,well,I wanted them to be the excat oposites,but for the less obvious choice to win.

To Vsevolod killing Philomen-well,Its a silly reason,but for a mind so unhinged , I thought it would be apropriate-he thinks himself Holy and he then kills a fellow man from such a petty reason.Also,as all of them are kind of "mad", you shouldnt consider this story to be a revelation of "facts"-because its a visage of a strange, halucinogenic journey,that ends in death.

None of what those men think happens is realy happening.Theres no "message".I hint at this with them not rcognising a transmission tower for what it is and thinking of a field as a "desert"-the facts cant be all that true .

To the final sentence-well,it wouldnt be hard,if theyd find a third persons hair and identify his DNA as not being of any of the three-it wouldnt be solid proof, but enough for a almost sure bet.I just didnt want to put the words "DNA" into the story.Also,well it IS a common thing in sects-there have been many cases and its been lampooned even in television.

I thank you for the critique,though-I may alter the text next time to make sure people get who is who in the first sentence.

[Boneman]

Originally Posted by Lobolover

To the crosses-I just felt a litle detail to help say how I pictured them would be nice.

Ok, are you writing just for you, or for your readers? That kind of detail can be off-putting for a reader. Who had the wooden one, who had the clay? It can be a nitpick ie unimportant, but if there are a few in the tale then they all add up, detracting from your storytelling.

To the confusion about names-well,its a thing of mine to use theese lines in a queer way,so it could happen.

Again, are you writing just for you, or for readers? Since you've put it here, you do want to reach your audience, and (I've found) one of the hardest things is losing my own voice for the sake of clarity, but it's a necessary evil if the prose becomes stronger.

Then,theres the mater of revealing that they both hate each other,or at least one of them,well,I wanted them to be the excat oposites,but for the less obvious choice to win.

It was not revealed that they both hate each other strongly enough this, did not come across, other than the narator telling us that they were concerned that the other was the holiest.... Nothing in the story told me they were exact opposites.

To Vsevolod killing Philomen-well,Its a silly reason,but for a mind so unhinged , I thought it would be apropriate-he thinks himself Holy and he then kills a fellow man from such a petty reason.Also,as all of them are kind of "mad", you shouldnt consider this story to be a revelation of "facts"-because its a visage of a strange, halucinogenic journey,that ends in death.

Again, didn't get the idea that Vsevolod was unhinged - he walked a mile to get a boulder and then dragged it back and used it. An unhinged man would lunge for the snorer and choke him to death to shut him up, then maybe get a boulder to cover up what he'd done (if he came to his senses after the killing)

None of what those men think happens is realy happening.Theres no "message".I hint at this with them not rcognising a transmission tower for what it is and thinking of a field as a "desert"-the facts cant be all that true .

This was good, and came over very well, no problems with this.

To the final sentence-well,it wouldnt be hard,if theyd find a third persons hair and identify his DNA as not being of any of the three-it wouldnt be solid proof, but enough for a almost sure bet.I just didnt want to put the words "DNA" into the story.Also,well it IS a common thing in sects-there have been many cases and its been lampooned even in television.

I'm not saying it isn't true, I'm just saying that in your work of fiction it could be better to end without the last sentence. You've introduced a strand into your story that may not belong there. Try taking it out and then read both versions aloud, and see which ends on a more satisfying note.

I thank you for the critique,though-I may alter the text next time to make sure people get who is who in the first sentence.

I hope this helps, and I look forward to seeing a revised version!! By the way it's "Crucifixion"....

[Boneman]

not sure why it's all in italics! I haven't got used to using the quote section, sorry.....

[Lobolover]

Hmm,im not sure I want to quite revise too much of it.I'd dare say the story's complete.

[Boneman]

That's the beauty of this section - I'm not an expert, and you never, ever have to take any advice from anyone if it does not sit well with you. And you can get feedback from others that would totally disagree with me. If you peruse this section, you'll see this happening a lot, but the sum total of a lot of suggestions should help you to become a better (different? changed?) writer. Hopefully, others will comment and you'll get more critiques/feedback, even published writers on this forum get them, and I don't think I've seen one say that comments have not helped in one way or another. You feel strongly about your own writing, and I hope you don't feel any of what I've said was an attack on that, and you are absolutely right not to change anything you don't agree with. No writer should.