Shadowbox : chapter one

[shadowbox]

First chapter after Opening.
Opening Posted two days ago under Into the Shadows




"Let be, Brenadine, and rest." My father breathed, carrying my tiny body back to bed.

"But father!" I protested, pushing the covers away. "Please, please don't make me! They will come back, they always do!"

"Yes, indeed, my child, and yet you are fine still. They are but dreams in your head, and harmless." He said, with no tone of finality. He knew I would argue either way. Even at five, I was never one to agree so quickly.

I shook my head so hard, my white curls were set a flutter. "And if they are not?" I cried, looking about for the shadows that plagued me. s

He pursed his lips, though it was hard to tell through the grizzled, greying beard. "What does it say in the Hithrian Text, verse seventeen, line twelve." He asked, and I thought it an till time to test me.

"In his image, Hithrow made all, love each and be loved." I mumbled, pulling the verse from the depths of my crowded brain. "It's a monster, father, I can't love it." I rattled, with a childs simple vigor.

"Perhaps it's angel." He said, smiling as my dark eyes widened. "Go to bed."

I watched the shaft of light filtering into my chamber dwindle from a sliver to nothing. In the darkness, I did not think it was an angel.

[pyan]

"Let be, Brenadine, and rest." My

no capital letter after inverted commas

father breathed, carrying my tiny body

"body" to me suggests that Brenadine is dead...perhaps "form"?
"But father!" I protested, pushing the covers away. "Please, please don't make me! They will come back, they always do!"

"Yes, indeed, my child, and yet you are fine [/quote] "fine" is a bit weak - "unharmed", maybe?

still. They are but dreams in your head, and harmless." He

as above

said, with no tone of finality. He knew I would argue either way. Even at five, I was never one to agree so quickly.

I shook my head so hard, my white curls were set a flutter

"aflutter" is one word

. "And if they are not?" I cried, looking about for the shadows that plagued me.

He pursed his lips, though it was hard to tell through the grizzled, greying beard. "What does it say in the Hithrian Text, verse seventeen, line twelve."

question mark

He

as above

asked, and I thought it an till time

"an ill time"?

to test me.

"In his image, Hithrow made all, love each and be loved."

A quote within speech needs a second set of speech marks - as in "Poe's Raven keeps saying 'Nevermore'", I said.

I mumbled, pulling the verse from the depths of my crowded brain. "It's a monster, father, I can't love it." I rattled, with a childs

Child's - possessive apostrophe

simple vigor.

"Perhaps it's angel.

an angel?

" He

as above

said, smiling as my dark eyes widened. "Go to bed."

I watched the shaft of light filtering into my chamber dwindle from a sliver to nothing. In the darkness, I did not think it was an angel.

Not bad at all - interesting-sounding characters, and some intriguing ideas.

[shadowbox]

Grammatical errors will always be my down fall. I'm a hasty writer, and to often my ideas work faster then my fingers, something I imagine most writers understand. When you stare at your own work for so long, little mistakes become hidden, so I always appreciate critical eyes, in fact it is why I come here. It's like an army of copy-editors.

[ctg]

I get a feeling that this piece is ... very out of its place straight out from the first dialogue line and getting more solid feeling from the images you're trying to place in our heads. For example when the father is leaning over to kiss the child, you're giving us an image, not a feeling from a bristling beard. Why is that? There are other similar ones, but I would recommend you to keep writing and trying to get to the end before rewriting this one again.

Therefore my question is, how much you have written on this?

[shadowbox]

pursed means to tighten or wrinkle. He wasn't kissing her. Though I'll need to alter it since it wen't understood. It wasn't a feeling though, it was an image.

[pyan]

No need to change "pursed", shadowbox - I understood it, but (and I'm not getting at ctg in the slightest here) if you change every word that one person misinterprets, you'll never get a final version.

[shadowbox]

I agree with that. To keep an air of mystery, I only intended touching on the subject of the demonic half while playing up the human half. A child having nightmares isn't too out of the norm, but with her being half demon, perhaps it is. It's merely the opening to the story, where meaningless tidbits are fed to readers, all adding up to a bigger picture, you know what I mean?

I can't think of a good example of this, I am having a stupid day.

[ctg]

Ok, I'm sorry, I'm wrong in here. I got the feeling her fluttering her hair and then mumbling. But if she's having a crowded head, then wouldn't she change tone and perhaps language to give them impression that there's a demon or thirteen inside her head. Kind of what you seen in an exorcist. Slowly driving her mad. Making her do things.

[shadowbox]

But wait....there's more. ( a little anyway.)







"Let be, Brenadine, and rest." My father breathed, tucking me back into my bed.
"But father!" I protested, pushing the covers away. "Please, please don't make me! They will come back, they always do! The said they live in my shadows."
"Yes, indeed, my child, and yet each morning you wake unharmed. They are but dreams in your head, and harmless." He said, with no tone of finality. He knew I would argue either way. Even at the tender age of ten, I was never quick to agree.
Shaking my head so hard it sent my curls aflutter, I began to cry. "And if they are not?"I sobbed, looking about for the shadows that plagued me.
He bent to kiss my head, his grizzled, gray beard catching errant white strands of my hair. "What does it say in the Hithrian Text, verse seventeen, line twelve." He asked, and I thought it an till time to test me.
"In his image, Hithrow made all, love each and be loved." I mumbled, pulling the verse from the depths of my crowded brain. "It's a monster, father, I can't love it." I rattled, with a child's simple ardor.
He regarded me with a peculiar glance, not one I was wholly unaccustomed too. I was a peculiar child, so it was said, anyway. "Perhaps it's angel." He said, smiling as my dark eyes widened. "Go to bed."
I watched the shaft of light filtering into my chamber from the closing door dwindle from a sliver to nothing. In the darkness, I did not think it was an angel.

Morning came, and as father had said, I awoke unharmed, bleary eyed and yawning. Kilsa had laid out my attire, knowing I would scoff at it.
"Why can't ladies wear pants?" I asked, wincing as she laces my stays. I loathed such formal attire, and more so, my fathers many trips to the palace.
I could tell Kilsa was smiling, she nearly always was. "Because we can't. Shall I do your hair?" She asked, picking up the brush.
"I should think so." I said, slumping into the chair. "It won't do it's self."

***

not much more.....but it is more.



and from here.....I am so lost.

[shadowbox]

No. She is half demon, half human....but raised like any normal young girl. Her demon side is dormant, if I must, and aparently I must because I am loseing every one and it is pretty important, I will tell you the importance of the shadows.

I have essentially created a fantasy religion.


There is a god, Hithrow, Father to all things. He had several children, the First Angels. One was his daughter Izus, an Angel Of Faith. For years the faith of the People had been fading, till Hithrow turned a blind eye to them. They perished in numbers, and cried out to Hithrow, praying for miracles. Hithrow would not answer, for too long they had sinned without penance, to long they had not followed his Bright Path. Filled with sorrow to see his people die, Izus fled to earth, in the guise of a mortal, begging the people to seek redemption. She left His Heaven, content to lead His people down the Bright Path, that no more souls would be damned. But the sins were many, the darkness great, and sorrow filled her. So many souls to be saved, she thought, and I am but one Angel. She decided to return to His Heaven, to plead with him once more. Yet, while on Earth, she took unto herself the seed of a mortal. Many Hithrian sons had hey did so, spreading there seed so far that half the world carried some speck of Angel Blood. No Daughter had done this, for to be borne inside the womb of Hithrows very children was to powerful a thing, and the gifts the child would be born with were to varied to encompass. She returned to her Father, great with child, and he grew wroth with her. Twice she had disobeyed him, and he cast her to the Flames, that she might find absolution. Again she fled her fathers grasps. Shrouded in flame, she fled to earth, her anger at her father growing. She reeked havoc on his temples, showering the earth in war and chaors. When the babe was borne, Izus made to hide her, but Mortals tore her babe from her hands, fearing that she was a demon, and cast her back from which she came. Three times she had disobeyed him, and it could not go unpunished. He cast her back to the flames, and bound her there, that she may never leave. Sorrow and hatred consumed her, and she slayed her brother, the Judging angel. This time Hithrow bound her into a darker place, into the Shadows, where the darkest of souls dwell, for she had truly abandoned his path. Bereft of her child, she cried, and the sorrow drew more darkness into the Shadows till it near consumed her. From thence, the Shadows became a place where Demons dwelt.


If you didn't get the hint, the shadows that Brenadine fears are her mother, quietly watching her daughter grow.


This isn't going to be in my story, not wholly. It will be touched on because it is important.

[ctg]

So like Doctor Jekyll / Mister Hyde type of parallel relationship? That in her head the demonic part is sometimes louder then her normal self? But sometimes the demon 'child' arises and things happen?

[shadowbox]

no, not really. She'll just develop some demonic attributes, one in particular is a kind of control over darkness, courtesy of her mother. Mid story she finds out she is a thing called the Shadow Box, a kind of vessel for the worlds fears. She feeds ( inadvertently of course) off of fear like a vampire would blood. She is looking for an item called the Godstone, a tool made by The Gods ( of each dinomination, goes into that in the story) used to capture sin and souls. Basically, she's demon hunting. If the godstone binds with the Shadow Box it can capture the darkest souls on earth. Demons.
The Demon in question? Her husband! Who made her father cut out her heart and sacrifice it to....ohmahgosh... ISUZ! He knew Brenadine was half immortal, but did not know she was HER daughter.

There is even a love interest named Cylis Howel aka Nighschade who is half angel, 600 years prior he slayed his own angelic father and suffered the consiquences, immortality and blindness. But he became a druid, and can 'see without seeing' and is hired by Garvin ( brenadines cousin ) to kill her father, so he won't kill Brenadine. But he's too late. He finds Brenadine after her mother sends her back ( after the sacrifice of course, silly!) And leads her to the Keepers of the Scions of Passing, a ancient Guild of angel mixed mortals, any one who portrays any kind of magical skill (i.e. telepathy, telekanetics, nymph-bred you name it.) The Keepers are the only ones who know the locations of the Godstone, but they are dreadfully hard to find. During the Process, Brenadine falls into a blessed lake ( oh no's she's half demon!) and Cylis dives in after, sacrificing his own penance ( the blindness and guilt he carried for killing his father) to save her.

Big drama.



DRAMA!

something along these lines anyway. I may edit some drama, because who wants to much drama?

[Boneman]

Who wants too much drama? ME!! Can't stand stories that have page after page of dialogue as the writer tells instead of showing (you only have to read some of the threads on Robert Jordan and Terry Goodkind to see what I mean...), so bring it on!
Have you written a skeleton of the whole story? Because your ideas are coming through sooo strongly. I always start with a Whatif? file, that expands and expands as ideas crowd my head, and then I write my own synopsis (not the awful things we have to submit to agents/publishers, but just in my own words, in my own way) so I know where the story is going, and where it ends. Naturally characters hijack the story as I'm writing it (usually to get bigger parts) but having a clear picture of where I'm going is the most helpful thing I have found in all my writing.
Then I start writing the actual story: Chapter One - once upon a time......

[shadowbox]

I have...ah whats the word....it's like from 8th grade english....an outline! I made an outline that goes into excruciating detail as to what it is I want to happen, and I made a list of character background stories, ( which rivals my book in length!)

Now it's just getting those pieces together. Although I did come up with some excellent Ideas last night.


I just want to get to the action. The drama! I want to cut straight to the scene where she is murdered.

[Boneman]

Hi Shadow,
at the end of my trilogy is an amazing scene that I desperately want to write; I think about it, talk about it, even dream about it, but I don't do it, because I haven't got there yet (only completed book one) but I sometimes think: Why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't you write the scene where she's murdered right this minute? This is called 'thinking outside the box'......... If you do, don't post it here, might get stolen. Maybe one day when we've both got writer's block we should do it.
Anyone else written out of order, rather than follow 'classical' patterns?