Shadowbox : chapter one

[shadowbox]

thats actually how I write. I figure if I have the idea, I might as well write it down, lest I lose it altogether. Its the connection between the two points I find tedious. In my eyes, each page should be meaningful, making it so drives me crazy.

btw, you never really told me what your trilogy is about?

[shadowbox]

Morning came, and as father had said, I awoke unharmed, bleary eyed and yawning. Kilsa had laid out my attire, knowing I would scoff at it.

"Why can't ladies wear pants?" I asked, wincing as she laces my stays. I loathed such formal attire, and more so, my fathers many trips to the palace.

I could tell Kilsa was smiling, she nearly always was. "Because it is so. Shall I do your hair?" She asked, picking up the brush.
"I should think so." I said, slumping into the chair. "It won't do it's self."

***

I found father in his study, sitting behind a stack of missives. "Inquiries," He said, brandishing one carelessly. "about the Riders, even a few about your contract."

I startled at this, jerking my head back to the neat little stack of missives. There were five, including the one my fahther read. "But I'll not be of age for another six years. The contract can't be signed."

He nodded, not bothering to tear his eyes from the parchment. "Yes, but it can be bought prior to your natality."
"Will you wait?" I asked abruptly. The very thought of him choosing without my say left me cold and angry, bitterness flooding me like a tide.

"Yes." He said, tossing down the letter. "Any attempt to seal your contract is only an effort to get a better deal. Your worth more now then half these men have offered."

Deeming it a compliemnt, I smiled. "Then let them wait." I said, feeling assuredly more confident in my father.

"The coach is ready." Kilsa said from the door. Her cheeks were red from the wind, more so then ususal. Though I had never bothered to ask, I knew she came from northern lands, for she was fair haired and rudy skinned, with eyes the color of the summer sky. She was the nearest thing to a friend, and I knew very little about her.
"We'll be down in a moment, Kilsa, bring our cloaks." Father said with a yawn, rubbing his great belly.

Rain splashed against the carriage windows, but I hardly noticed it. It was no secret I loathed the palace. I spent much of my time there stumbling in my fathers wake, anxiously awaiting the moment we could leave. I made no friends, and spoke to no one. Though I spent much of my time desperatly ignoring the fact, I was singularly different. Where some girls might compare there golden hair to pale honey, mine could only be compared to snow. Where one's eyes might be dark as the soil after rain, mine were darker, so much that it was hard to say where iris met pupil. While there were those with skin of ivory, mine was near transparent, faint blue veins whirling beneath the surface. I made for an odd picture beside the rosy cheeked girls at Court.

The noble sons and daughters, raised on propriety, sought me out in a crowed. They harrased me, called me things, childish derisisons, meant to sting and leave me crying. Sad though I am to say it, too often it worked. I was still a child, and awkward in my own skin. Rare was the occasion that I left my fathers side while inside the palace walls, lest I be caught out by wealthy son's and daughters, but it didn't keep them from mocking me from afar.

"Lady Moreau!" Chimed my father, greeting a young woman dressed in apricot colored velvet.

"Captain Wintry, what a pleasure to find you at court on such a dismal day." Her wide-eyed gaze quickly fell to me, and she smiled, showing an array of sparkling teeth. "What exotic creature have you brought with?"

Suddenly I felt myself shoved forward, and I fought not to stumble. "My daughter Brenadine. She comes to learn of court affairs."

"Ah!" She clapped her hands together. "I heard there was a bit of a silent auction going for this young one. Have you accepted any bids?" She asked, laying one smooth hand across my face. Her palms were cold againt my burning cheeks, and I was filled with the sudden urge to sink my teeth into her flesh.

Father drew me from her grasp, his caloused hands on my shoulder. "I'll take no bids till she comes of age, Lady Moreau, and you'd be kind to spread the word. Let thier intrest ligner, if they must, she'll not go cheap. The man who buys her contract won't know the half of her worth."

"I don't doubt that. These petty girls brought to bid these days, it's offending. Half-wit nobles, nothing but trophy wives." Lady Moreau said, wrapping a laqured finger through my loose curles. "You and I, Captain, we understand the worth of an educated woman."

Freeing me once more from her touch, he smiled. "That we do, Lady, that we do."

***

"Who was that?" I asked immediatly after she had departed.

"Lady Moreau. She's headmistress at the Ladies academy in Turaun. A well-bred woman if I ever saw one, it's a pitty she never married." He stopped short, causing me to stumble most ungracfully.

"What a pleasure to find you here, Captain Wintry." A man I hadn't seen before, said. He wore the D'Lumier arms and I assumed him to be the Calbien D'Lumier, the youngest Duc in Sabrieth, barely past his twentieth year.

Father smiled, though his face turned a shade of purple I hadn't yet seen on him. "My Lord Calbien, had I known I would be seeing you, I would have delivered my reply in person."

"You've recieved my missive, then?" Calbien asked, his voice never faultering. I watched his hazel eyes flicker down to me, and felt my heart stop beneath his gaze, wondering if it had been his missive inquiring about my contract. "And?"

"As I have told you in the past, my lord Duc, no amount of money could buy my family's legacy. My company is not for sale, nor will it ever be." My father shot, perhaps louder then intended.
Breathing a quick sigh of relief, I took one cautious step to my fathers side, wondering how close I could get before they both realized I was there.

The Duc's lips curled into a wider, darker smile. "Your company, my good man, fails beneath your guidence. What will happen when men no longer fight to join your ranks? What is a Captain without his men?" He asked. "He is nothing. My offer stands." Duc D'Lumiers eyes flickers back to me once more, before he turned without another word, and left.

Father did not speak of the encounter, and I was wise enough not to ask. I had thought the Duc had inquired on my contract, and was gratefull that it was not so. I could not imagine myself married to such a smug, unnerving man.

We found our seats at Court, and quickly I forgot the encounters with both Lady Moreau and Duc D'Lumiere, odd though they were. Court was tedious, drawn-out and tire-some. No place for a child, I thought, but I had chose this over the other option ; joining my peers in a friendly game of cards.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

thats all I have, all it does is introduce three more characters. Kilsa(minor) Lady Moreau ( minor) and the Duc Calbien D'Lumier (major)

[shadowbox]

Disregard the last post. It's all crap and I hate it.

[chrispenycate]

[/quote][quote]

Originally Posted by shadowbox

Morning came, and as father had said, I awoke unharmed, bleary eyed and yawning. Kilsa had laid out my attire, knowing I would scoff at it.

"Why can't ladies wear pants?" I asked, wincing as she laces

laced

my stays. I loathed such formal attire, and more so, my fathers

father's

many trips to the palace.

I could tell Kilsa was smiling, she nearly always was. "Because it is so. Shall I do your hair?" She asked, picking up the brush.
"I should think so." I said, slumping into the chair. "It won't do it's self

itself

."

***

I found father in his study, sitting behind a stack of missives. "Inquiries," He said, brandishing one carelessly. "about the Riders, even a few about your contract."

I startled at this, jerking my head back to the neat little stack of missives. There were five, including the one my fahther

father

read. "But I'll not be of age for another six years. The contract can't be signed."

He nodded, not bothering to tear his eyes from the parchment. "Yes, but it can be bought prior to your natality."

prior to her birth?

"Will you wait?" I asked abruptly. The very thought of him choosing without my say left me cold and angry, bitterness flooding me like a tide.

"Yes." He said, tossing down the letter. "Any attempt to seal your contract is only an effort to get a better deal. Your

you're

worth more now then

than

half these men have offered."

Deeming it a compliemnt, I smiled. "Then let them wait." I said, feeling assuredly more confident in my father.

"The coach is ready." Kilsa said from the door. Her cheeks were red from the wind, more so then ususal

usual

. Though I had never bothered to ask, I knew she came from northern lands, for she was fair haired and rudy

ruddy

skinned, with eyes the color of the summer sky. She was the nearest thing to a friend, and I knew very little about her.
"We'll be down in a moment, Kilsa, bring our cloaks." Father said with a yawn, rubbing his great belly.

Rain splashed against the carriage windows, but I hardly noticed it. It was no secret I loathed the palace. I spent much of my time there stumbling in my fathers

father's

wake, anxiously awaiting the moment we could leave. I made no friends, and spoke to no one. Though I spent much of my time desperatly

desperately

ignoring the fact, I was singularly different. Where some girls might compare there

their

golden hair to pale honey, mine could only be compared to snow. Where one's eyes might be dark as the soil after rain, mine were darker, so much that it was hard to say where iris met pupil. While there were those with skin of ivory, mine was near transparent, faint blue veins whirling beneath the surface. I made for an odd picture beside the rosy cheeked girls at Court.

The noble sons and daughters, raised on propriety, sought me out in a crowed

crowd

. They harrased

harassed

me, called me things, childish derisisons, meant to sting and leave me crying. Sad though I am to say it, too often it worked. I was still a child, and awkward in my own skin. Rare was the occasion that I left my fathers

father's

side while inside the palace walls, lest I be caught out by wealthy son's

sons

and daughters, but it didn't keep them from mocking me from afar.

"Lady Moreau!" Chimed my father, greeting a young woman dressed in apricot colored velvet.

"Captain Wintry, what a pleasure to find you at court on such a dismal day." Her wide-eyed gaze quickly fell to me, and she smiled, showing an array of sparkling teeth. "What exotic creature have you brought with?"

Suddenly I felt myself shoved forward, and I fought not to stumble. "My daughter Brenadine. She comes to learn of court affairs."

"Ah!" She clapped her hands together. "I heard there was a bit of a silent auction going for this young one. Have you accepted any bids?" She asked, laying one smooth hand across my face. Her palms were cold againt my burning cheeks, and I was filled with the sudden urge to sink my teeth into her flesh.

Father drew me from her grasp, his caloused hands on my shoulder. "I'll take no bids till she comes of age, Lady Moreau, and you'd be kind to spread the word. Let thier intrest ligner

interest linger?

, if they must, she'll not go cheap. The man who buys her contract won't know the half of her worth."

"I don't doubt that. These petty girls brought to bid these days, it's offending. Half-wit nobles, nothing but trophy wives." Lady Moreau said, wrapping a laqured finger through my loose curles. "You and I, Captain, we understand the worth of an educated woman."

Freeing me once more from her touch, he smiled. "That we do, Lady, that we do."

***

"Who was that?" I asked immediatly after she had departed.

"Lady Moreau. She's headmistress at the Ladies academy in Turaun. A well-bred woman if I ever saw one, it's a pitty

pity

she never married." He stopped short, causing me to stumble most ungracfully.

ungracefully

"What a pleasure to find you here, Captain Wintry." A man I hadn't seen before,

no comma

said. He wore the D'Lumier arms and I assumed him to be the Calbien D'Lumier, the youngest Duc in Sabrieth, barely past his twentieth year.

Father smiled, though his face turned a shade of purple I hadn't yet seen on him. "My Lord Calbien, had I known I would be seeing you, I would have delivered my reply in person."

"You've recieved my missive, then?" Calbien asked, his voice never faultering.

faltering

I watched his hazel eyes flicker down to me, and felt my heart stop beneath his gaze, wondering if it had been his missive inquiring about my contract. "And?"

"As I have told you in the past, my lord Duc, no amount of money could buy my family's legacy. My company is not for sale, nor will it ever be."

lower case "m"

My father shot, perhaps louder then intended.
Breathing a quick sigh of relief, I took one cautious step to my fathers

father's

side, wondering how close I could get before they both realized I was there.

The Duc's lips curled into a wider, darker smile. "Your company, my good man, fails beneath your guidence

guidance

. What will happen when men no longer fight to join your ranks? What is a Captain without his men?" He asked. "He is nothing. My offer stands." Duc D'Lumiers

D'Lumier's

eyes flickers

flickered

back to me once more, before he turned without another word, and left.

Father did not speak of the encounter, and I was wise enough not to ask. I had thought the Duc had inquired on my contract, and was gratefull

grateful

that it was not so. I could not imagine myself married to such a smug, unnerving man.

We found our seats at Court, and quickly I forgot the encounters with both Lady Moreau and Duc D'Lumiere, odd though they were. Court was tedious, drawn-out and tire-some.

tiresome

No place for a child, I thought, but I had chose this over the other option ; joining my peers in a friendly game of cards.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

thats all I have, all it does is introduce three more characters. Kilsa(minor) Lady Moreau ( minor) and the Duc Calbien D'Lumier (major)

[The Judge]

I think you're too hard on yourself in your last post. It reads like a first draft - getting everything down quickly so you can work it up later.

I love your outline - there's real sweep and emotion and bucketfuls of drama there.

A couple of thoughts that I hope might be of interest/help. I always find first person narrative difficult - is she keeping a diary/telling a story to the grandchildren/writing her will etc. I caught an earlier posting of a later chapter of yours where she has married this Calbien so presumably she's then at least 16. How were you planning to deal with the 6 year gap in her narration? (And I thought the nightmare scene played better when she was 5 - so you might have an even bigger gap if you revert to that.)

(Ooh ooh - just had a thought - could this first chapter be brought in later after her marriage when she's remembering when she first saw him??)

There's another potential problem with this last scene - she's 10 years old and you've got Calbien looking her up and down (I know you're careful to say his eyes only flicker towards her but...) - I understand that he knows who she is so he's bound to be interested in her from that non-sexual point of view, but by raising the issue of the marriage contract, you have a real risk of Calbien coming across as a bit pervy (after all we don't know at this stage what his interest in her is.) Might it be better dramatically if he never looks at her at all? Deliberately ignoring someone - as if they are literally beneath your notice - can be very powerful.

J

[shadowbox]

Actually he's not checking her out, he's recognizing her for what she is. Half Demon.
See I thought the nightmare thing played out better at 5 too, but I am having a hard time jumping up to ten, which is when things start happening. I know what I want. I just cant figure it out on words, and I pretty much hate this part ( above) HATE IT. It's retarded.

[shadowbox]

I need help.

[LJonesy]

Are you Shadowboxer from another forum i'm familiar with perchance?

[shadowbox]

Perhaps. Which forum would that be?

[The Judge]

I'm not sure if you hate the scene as a scene, or just how you've written it.

If it's the scene itself - how about arranging this first meeting somewhere else such as at her father's house where the balance of power will be subtly different. Or set up an accidently-on-purpose meeting in the street with her not knowing who he is (not sure if she's allowed in the street on her own or with Kilsa).

If it's the writing you don't like - all I can suggest is you just keep revising - in the (nearly) immortal words of Kevin Costner, 'if you write it, it will come'!

J

[shadowbox]

I have actually came up with something a little better. I am going to wait on her meeting the Lady Moreau, though she is important. Calbien she will meet still at a young age, because it is important for him to see her and recognize her for what she is. I have decided that instead of Tanneth taking Brenadine with him about the Palace, he'll leave her in the palace nursery. A medieval day-care of sorts. Something significant, I think, should happen there. I imagine it will be some sort of heckleing that results in somesort of explosive/demonic behavior on Brenadiens part. Open to suggestions. And hey, if I am ever published, I give credit where credit is due.

[dustinzgirl]

Originally Posted by shadowbox

Disregard the last post. It's all crap and I hate it.

Actually I liked it better than you first post.

I think she should take over the company, never marry, and kill the Duc, and start an orphanage.

[shadowbox]

Oh but she must marry him. It's a plot point. She will kill him, and I think I might let her have a baby or two, after her realm has come to accept people of differing nature. I think I am going to keep the part where she meets Calbien, but re-work the opening. I like that he is kind of bullying her father, that's important later.

also, the dream scene will take place at the age of eight, which I have found is a comfortable middle to what I wanted and to what it is I seem to be capable of working with.

[dustinzgirl]

Originally Posted by shadowbox

Oh but she must marry him. It's a plot point. She will kill him, and I think I might let her have a baby or two, after her realm has come to accept people of differing nature. I think I am going to keep the part where she meets Calbien, but re-work the opening. I like that he is kind of bullying her father, that's important later.

also, the dream scene will take place at the age of eight, which I have found is a comfortable middle to what I wanted and to what it is I seem to be capable of working with.

Why would she marry him? She's impatient, smart, tough, and the heir to a ship. Can women not be Captains? Why can't she stand on her own two feet and hire a Captain, if that is the case? I mean, if you want me to believe that this firecracker grows up to marry some stuffed peanut head jerk, you've gotta help me understand why, in the name of fantasy, would she marry him?

There's chapter six, seven, and eight. LOL.

[shadowbox]

Her father is marrying her into a wealthy family to restore the glory to his company of Bounty Hunters, who's fame is fading. No, technically she cannot inherit the title of Captain, which would revert to her Husband upon her fathers death, though I plan on this changing after she has saved the realm and all. I plan on having Calbien make an obscenley large offer that Brenadines greedy father cannot abjure. It also has to be Calbien because he is a demon, full blooded to boot. He's sort of a soul stealer, bent on leading the entire realm of Sabriel into the hells, in one hug sacrifice more or less, ( I am thinking of having him attempt tp burn the city to the ground during a festival of his creation, so all the peeps are in one place and such.) Vigin priestess go missing, men of state turn up dead. Calbien is a bad man. I think instead of having him sacrifice her, I am going to have her father kill her straight out, because he thinks it is the only way to save Sabriel. Not sure there.