Into the Shadows

[shadowbox]

How old had I been, when I was ripped from my mothers arms? Mortal was I, but only half, and the demon blood lay dormant. It was in ignorance they took me, seeking only to save a helpless babe from a demon, no doubt bent on stealing souls.
So in ignorance I was raised.


A man by the name of Tanneth Wintry, neither old nor young, took me into his home without question. He was wifeless, and childless, save but me, so no one feigned surprise when he named me heir to the legacy that was his. The Riders, an infamous company of Bounty Hunters, who's glory spread near world-wide. Though he was but father to me, he was Captain Wintry to all else, a position that held dwindling respect.


If there were those who remembered the days of peril, when the Bounty Hunters were much sought after, there are those who don't, living instead in the comfort of our City's new ease; warless and prospering. Give them there comforts I say, for it is all we have. I lived in the comfort of home and hearth, raised among the wealthy, as the wealthy, if I was not. I knew what I was from the time I was but a child. Raised like a high-prized horse, I was honed until I shone like a star. Educated, sophisticated, comely and obedient; all the makings of a good wife, if not a bought one.
If I was the former, I was initially the latter.

[shadowbox]

it's a possible opening.

[Boneman]

Actually, it's a great opening. Grabs the attention immediately, and although you're 'telling' you do it in a way that seems to be 'showing'. A fabulous amount of information in two sentences, that show us there's real trouble ahead. The language construction shows an archaic quality which places us into a time and place that reeks of chivalry, justice, and (I assume) swordplay. If I picked it up in a bookstore, I'd read on......

Nitpick: it should read "whose glory", not "who's glory", and "their comforts" not "there comforts". I attended a writing course where a multiple published author told us that those very small mistakes alone allow some agents/publishers to put your effort down and move on to the next one.

Would it be better if it read "even if I was not"? The sentence, with the deliberate repetition of 'wealthy' to draw our attention to it, peters out a little, and initially I thought 'if I was not what?' and had to re-read to understand it. (I am quite thick sometimes, so don't take it as necessary!!)

Similarly "I knew what I was from the time I was but a child" has that marvellous archaic tone, but it sounds better aloud than it looks on paper. Possible a comma after the first 'was'? but the repetition of that word jars a little.... "I knew what I was from the time I entered childhood"...... "I knew what I was from the time I left swaddling clothes/diapers/baby clothes"..... "I knew what I was before I became aware I was different".... "I knew what I was from the time that I put aside toys"..... "I knew what I was from the time that I stood in my cradle to look out upon the world"

Sorry, getting carried away now. It's the first time I've posted here, so I hope it helps, and if I've gone too far, please tell me. As I've said, you placed us into a fantastic world that allows us to visualise it, with remarkable few words, and that is a real talent. Good luck with it.

[chrispenycate]

[/quote][quote]

Originally Posted by shadowbox

How old had I been,

why comma?

when I was ripped from my mothers arms? Mortal was I, but only half, and the demon blood lay dormant. It was in ignorance they took me, seeking only to save a helpless babe from a demon,

why comma?

no doubt bent on stealing souls.
So in ignorance I was raised.


A man by the name of Tanneth Wintry, neither old nor young, took me into his home without question. He was wifeless, and childless, save but

"save for" or "but for"?

me, so no one feigned surprise when he named me heir to the legacy that was his.

a colon rather than a full stop here, as the Riders are the legacy?

The Riders, an infamous company of Bounty Hunters, who's

whose

glory spread near world-wide. Though he was but

why "but"? The position is surely one of importance.

father to me, he was Captain Wintry to all else, a position that held dwindling respect.


If there were those who remembered the days of peril, when the Bounty Hunters were much sought after, there are

why the shift ti present tense?

those who don't, living instead in the comfort of our City's new ease; warless and prospering. Give them there comforts I say, for it is all we have.

and back to past tense

I lived in the comfort of home and hearth, raised among the wealthy, as the wealthy, if I was not. I knew what I was from the time I was but a child. Raised like a high-prized

prizewinning? The verb "to prize" carries overtones of levering something open

horse, I was honed until I shone like a star. Educated, sophisticated, comely and obedient; all the makings of a good wife, if not a bought one.
If I was the former, I was initially the latter.

[shadowbox]

I am open to all criticisms, and yours are great. I am never one to abjure grammatical errors, as I know they are perhaps one of my greatest flaws. I defiantly intend on swordplay.

I will be honest, I came up with this opening as I wrote it here. I have nearly 10,000 words, but any opening i have imagined until know has been crap. I like this one.

[shadowbox]

REVISE

How old had I been when I was ripped from my mothers arms? Mortal was I, but only half, and the demon blood lay dormant. It was in ignorance they took me, seeking only to save a helpless babe from a demon, no doubt bent on stealing souls.
So in ignorance I was raised.


A man by the name of Tanneth Wintry, neither old nor young, took me into his home without question. He was wifeless, and childless, save for me, so no one feigned surprise when he named me heir to the legacy that was his; The Riders, an infamous company of Bounty Hunters, whose glory spread near world-wide. Though he was but father to me, he was Captain Wintry to all else, a position that held dwindling respect.


If there are those who remembered the days of peril, when the Bounty Hunters were much sought after, there are those who don't, living instead in the comfort of our City's new ease; warless and prospering. Give them their comforts I say, for it is all we have. I lived in the comfort of home and hearth, raised among the wealthy, as the wealthy, even if I was not. Barley had I crossed the threshold of childhood, into the awkward world of adolescence, did I realize my fate. Raised like a high-prized horse, I was honed until I shone like a star. Educated, sophisticated, comely and obedient; all the makings of a good wife, if not a bought one.
If I was the former, I was initially the latter.




* I did leave the
Though he was but father to me, he was Captain Wintry to all else, a position that held dwindling respect.

later in the story, it explains which title is held in higher regard by Tanneth, and guess what.....it's not father. DUN DUN DUN.

[shadowbox]

look I forgot to change grammatical errors!

see, FLAW.

[Boneman]

Hey Shadow,
sounds better, but two little nitpicks (which you may have corrected already....)
"Barley had I crossed the threshold...." Should be "Barely" ( or it sounds corny......? Groan)
" If I was the former, I was initially the latter." Can't be both... there's a "not" missing
ooh, another little one: should be a colon ( after "...the legacy that was his" and not a semi-colon (.

[Boneman]

That's weird, in my last sentence I printed off a colon and a semi-colon, and got happy faces instead. Oh well.......

[The Judge]

Hi. I'm very new here and have never critiqued before, so I hope you don't mind my raising a few points on your revised opening.

'If there are those who remembered... there are those who don't.' The tenses of the two halves don't match (remembered/don't). As you are using the present tense ('are those') I'd go with 'remember'.

Exactly the same at 'Barely had I crossed... did I realize my fate.' (crossed/did). '...before I realized...' perhaps?

If she's educated and sophisticated would she really use such a trite simile as 'shone like a star'? Especially when it followes two completely different images - 'high-prized horse' and 'honed' - a verb which implies sharpening rather than buffing or polishing. NB as she's female, would 'valuable brood-mare' be more appropriate?

Unlike Boneman, I didn't have a problem with your last line, it's the half-sentence before it that jars with me. You've set up a distinction between a good wife and a bought one - but a man who buys a wife wants a good one, educated, comely etc, so is this distinction really what you mean?

I see that you lost the 'I knew what I was from the time I was but a child.' I loved that line! To me it's pointing ahead to her knowing things that those around her including the foster father do not.

Sorry if this sounds nit-picking. I loved the opening - what happens next?

J

[shadowbox]

As always, I welcome criticism in all forms and encourage people to read closely, for grammatically, I am pretty suckish! However, somethings I write I mean to be written as they are, example
When I wrote
Educated, sophisticated, comely and obedient; all the makings of a good wife, if not a bought one.
If I was the former, I was initially the latter.
She is educated, sophisticated, and all things mentioned, but even still she is bought. I want this sentence to hold, if just a mild one, a tone of bitterness, of emphasis. If she is the former ( smart) she is more importantly the latter ( bought), in her eyes, anyway.

I used the phrase high-priced horse with similar contempt, the same air of bitterness. An expensive item, a thing to be bought. Calling it a pure-blooded mare makes it seem more important, and what the character feels is not importance, but the sense that she is being used, and willingly so. Being that it is an opening, more emphasis on these points would follow through the story.

And to pick up on the point The Judge made,

Barely had I crossed the threshold, I realized my fate
I use the word crossed because this takes place in the past. The intro is the beginning of the story, the only time when anything will be spoken as past tense, as it moves on, it will move to presant tense, as I intend. I want it to feel as your living her story, but she is still telling it. I will however remove did as it is unnecessary, you are right on that.

I have made some adjustments according to your critisisms. I would be lost without you people. This place is like having an army of copy editors.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



How old had I been when I was ripped from my mothers arms? Mortal was I, but only half, and the demon blood lay dormant. It was in ignorance they took me, seeking only to save a helpless babe from a demon, no doubt bent on stealing souls.
So in ignorance I was raised.


A man by the name of Tanneth Wintry, neither old nor young, took me into his home without question. He was wifeless, and childless, save for me, so no one feigned surprise when he named me heir to the legacy that was his; The Riders, an infamous company of Bounty Hunters, whose glory spread near world-wide. Though he was but father to me, he was Captain Wintry to all else, a position that held dwindling respect.


If there are those who remember the days of peril, when the Bounty Hunters were much sought after, there are those who do not, living instead in the comfort of our City's new ease; warless and prospering. Give them their comforts I say, for it is all we have. I lived in the comfort of home and hearth, raised among the wealthy, as the wealthy, even if I was not. Barley had I crossed the threshold of childhood, into the awkward world of adolescence, did I realize my fate. Raised like a high-prized horse, I was honed and polished, till I thought I might perish with it. Educated, sophisticated, comely and obedient; all the makings of a good wife, if not a bought one.
If I was the former, I was initially the latter.

[Boneman]

Getting warmer........

on reading it again, I have a couple of suggestions, neither critiques nor nitpicks, just suggestions, see what you think.

"It was in ignorance they took me...." What about if you dropped the "It was", so the sentence becomes: "In ignorance they took me." And then, drop the "So" at the start of the next paragraph. I thinks it adds to the lyrical, poetic sound that you have set up so well, but I could be wrong.

Also, whatif it read " A man by name of Tanneth Wintry" rather than "A man by THE name of Tanneth Wintry"?

"Wifeless and childless, save for me...."

Okay here's one I think I'm probably wrong on, but the sentence "It was in ignorance they took me, seeking only to save a helpless babe from a demon, no doubt bent on stealing souls." there's a possible confusion as to who is stealing the souls, the demon, or those who took her in ignorance...... This is more of a nitpick, but I think the sentence might be stronger if it ended after "demon".

So it would become:
"In ignorance they took me, seeking only to save a helpless babe from a demon.
In ignorance they raised me. " (Just thought of that last bit, it resonates better with "In ignorance they took me.")

I think if you like this, there's something to add in here, but it's your story, and I can't think what it is.....! Hopefully the other copyeditors can add to it!!!

I'm enjoying doing this, it really helps me focus on my own writing, to which I'm totally blind, naturally.

[Boneman]

Okay, what about, for the same resonance the opening sentence reads:

"How old was I, when ripped from my mother's arms? Mortal was I....." Nice play on words using "was I" as a question and a statement. I think I might be going too far here....... "How young was I?" Oooh, you could even remove the "How" and the question mark, so it's actually a statement........ Nah, that doesn't sound so good. I'm thinking too much, going to surf some other threads for a while.

[shadowbox]

I want the opening to be a question, more a question to herself, for she never really knew. But I like the word young better then old, your right there. I have come to the conclusion to drop no doubt bent on stealing souls and alter the following two sentances so they read like this

It was in ignorance that they took me, seeking only to save a helpless babe from a demon.
So it was that in ignorance I was raised


I like the flow of it better.

[Boneman]

with a comma after "So it was," I like the flow, too, and asking a question at the beginning adds to the mystery, as she doesn't know. Incidentally, how much have you written of this? Forgive me if you've answered this question before.....