Synopsis critique - please help beat sense into it

[Psyloke]

Hi all, been over a year since i posted anything - busy with other things - but decided to get my MS out of storage and give it another go on the premise that maybe it wasn't the novel itself letting me down with agents but my synopsis. So I've re-written it and thought i'd post it here. Be as nasty as you like (long as there's reason behind it!).

by the way the one i'm posting is a short punchy version which I can embed in a query letter. I have another detailed two-pager which I might post another time.


Muchas gracias...

The ******* centres on Marcus, a young boy forced to grow up in the ultimate school of hard knocks. Having reached adulthood through unimaginable ordeals, and believing he's finally free, he tries to pick up the pieces of his life. This he does while the decadent empire to which he belongs crumbles in the face of insurmountable foes. The very land they walk on has become twisted by the curse of their forsaken gods, and an opposing nation, rising to world dominance threatens their borders; this amidst political intrigue and racial disharmony.

Despite his efforts Marcus is unable to detach himself from his traumatic childhood or the unfolding national crisis, and finds he must become embroiled in these world-changing events if he is to save the woman he loves and find some semblance of peace. The story deals with various themes from the point of view of the protagonist: Are we merely the sum of our experiences, and do those experiences then predestine our actions? Are the bonds of friendship stronger than the ties of family? It also touches on racism and national morality and accountability.

The ****** is a gritty coming-of-age fantasy with a smattering of romance. It's set in a dichotomous world of opposing empires and has elements reminiscent of epic Greek mythology.

[Teresa Edgerton]

You've given some background, you've said a lot of stuff about the themes of the book (Are we merely the sum of our experiences, and do those experiences then predestine our actions? Are the bonds of friendship stronger than the ties of family? etc. ) but you don't tell anything that happens.

It sounds like you're trying to impress an agent with the depth and importance of your book, rather than showing him/her that you have a story that has the potential to grab readers.

[Psyloke]

I know what you mean, although perhaps I should have clarified; this is more a hook/blurb to place within a query letter than the actual plot-driven synopsis I have.

Do you think as such (when part of a query letter) it still needs more? Would that be making the letter too long for a query?

Sorry if I didn't explain right.

[Teresa Edgerton]

No, I don't think it needs more. I think it needs to be shorter and more about the story. That's what will hook an agent into reading the synopsis. You need to convince him or her that your book is somehow more vivid and compelling than all the hundreds of other fantasies about young men coming of age in crumbling empires. Talking about themes of friendship and family, and national morality, won't do that. I'm not saying that fantasy has to be shallow and lacking in these deeper themes -- far from it -- but you don't want it to look like you are concentrating on those at the expense of plot and character, because that would make for very dull reading.

[TheEndIsNigh]

The very land they walk on has become twisted by the curse of their forsaken gods,

Who's walking on what land and who's gods

rising to world dominance threatens their borders; this amidst political intrigue and racial disharmony.

(too PC, just tension may be better)

Despite his efforts

not needed

and find some semblance of peace.

Sod the peace he's saving the woman he loves that's motive enough

The story deals with various themes from the point of view of the protagonist:

If the POV is the protagonist what is all this stuff about Marcus about

Are we merely the sum of our experiences, and do those experiences then predestine our actions? Are the bonds of friendship stronger than the ties of family?

??? So this is a philosophical work then

It also touches on racism and national morality and accountability.

touches - is that the one sentence or the full paragraph. (Is this really important enough that it needs a mention here if it only touches it)

The ****** is a gritty coming-of-age fantasy

Well no it isn't. You said he's reached adulthood and is trying to get to grips with his life. If the story was of his hard childhood that would be different. This seems to be a story of a grown man wrestling with the split loyalties of family and friendship.

with a smattering of romance.

Saving the woman he loves doesn't sound like a smattering.

It's set in a dichotomous world of opposing empires and has elements reminiscent of epic Greek mythology.

Earlier it was an opposing nation.

reminiscent of epic?

A bit watery

"Conflict on the scale Greek mythology."

Sell it.

"If you read this it might remind you of some of those really good books"

is what the last paragraph says to me.

[Boneman]

Psyloke, I was recently on a writing course with a several-times-published writer who said that a synopsis would never prevent good writing from being looked at....... Thank goodness, I'm rubbish at them, but getting better, the more drafts I do. You might find www.fictionwriters.com/tips-synopsis.html a little help. Good luck, and I might post more if I can find the other one that helped me...

[Teresa Edgerton]

Different writers will give you different advice, and of course it's up to you to weigh it all and make your own decision. Here's my contribution:

The synopsis is the first sample of your writing they see, so it needs to make a good impression. Many agents will stop reading after a few pages if the writing doesn't grab them. A bad synopsis starts you out with one strike against you.

Once you're a multi-published writer they already know you can write, and you may get a contract on the synopsis alone. So writing a good one is a very important skill.

[Psyloke]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone... got a lot of re-thinking and re-writing to do. I've also got to find some way to actually enjoy writing a synopsis I guess, coz I can't stand them at the moment.

Cheers.

[Boneman]

Teresa makes a very good point, and oh, roll on those days....Trying to write a synopsis that is perfect for every agent/publisher is impossible, so many of them give different advice as to what is needed. The only way I can do it, is to write a synopsis that I'd like to read, and then re-write it, rewrite it, rewrite it.........

So: here's a short paragraph of what I wanted to hear, followed by what it actually became ( and it still ain't good enough, but I think it's getting there).

Peggy and Paul are gobsmacked to find she's pregnant: she'd been told she was infertile after losing a baby, but after their trial-by-fire in the forest, and the amazing healing by Wa'Leila, they fall in love, and the mysterious events when the stranger is killed and Grace goes through the portal into another world have incredible repercussions on their lives. (You can see the sentences are too long, the thing's a bit disjointed, but I got it down on paper....)

It became: Jack Anderson should never have been born. His parents Peggy and Paul are drawn together when a stranger uses unnatural abilities to open a portal between worlds, and they are cruelly hurt, along with Peggy’s adopted daughter, Grace. When a native from a different world challenges the stranger to combat, they are healed miraculously by his female companion, and his father shoots the stranger dead. The astonishing world inside the portal calls to them but they remain where they are, a small backwater American town they both grew up in, and allow Grace to go with their saviours, recognising a kinship between them.

I hope that the first sentences grabs people. It's a work in progress, and it will continue to be so, but I honestly find that if I try to write a synopsis to please others, it sounds wooden, stilted and guaranteed to have them putting it down without being read! Keep at it......

[TheEndIsNigh]

Bone:

Sorry it left me confused. Too many strangers.

Use names if possible, it gets the reader interested in their fate more than say "some bloke who was passing".

I would loose the "unnatural practises" it suggests something unsavoury. "opens a portal" is enough. Whatever he did obviously isn't so unnatural where he comes from.

Also "native from a different world" - is that different to ours different to the stranger or different to Peggy and Paul - not the most inspiring names by the way unless you intend them to be just cannon fodder.

Say where he's from

Burt "murdering bas**ard" Smith of Jongwallah is someone you can place in the scheme of things.

"by Honerinmia his woman bitch" - who is this female companion some who happens to be there or some tart he picked up in the local tavern.

Hang about where's Jack gone. First person first word and then never heard of again. It seems to be the story of Grace and his mysterious birth is lost in the morass.

Who gives a toss about the mundane existence the parents take. We want to know what's going to happen with Grace as she seems the main character in the book.

This astonishing world deserves a name we're presumably going to hear a lot about it if we take the bait.

Grungwickbowl, the land beyond the portal calls and Grace accepts Honerinmia's request that she accompany her and learn the secrets of the "golden soup bowl".

But we can't leave it there. We want a synopsis of the whole book not just the first chapter

Just a thought you understand

[Boneman]

TEIN, wasn't actually putting it up for critiquing, and the actual synopsis is a page long, so thanks very much, the input will definitely help.

I had a thought, maybe we should write each other's synopsis........? I always seem to have better ideas for other people's finished work, than I do for my own. 'Hmm, must lack confidence', I hear you say....

[TheEndIsNigh]

Bone: Funny you should say that, as I was writing the comments I thought that too. I suspect that because the author has lived and breathed the book for so long you get close.

I realised you had not intentionally put it up for critique but I couldn't resist - sorry

I'm surprised that publishers put so much by the authors synopsis (certainly the short one) as what can you say about a book really in a paragraph or two.

Read this, it really good, n I written it myself

- Maybe?

[Teresa Edgerton]

The importance of the capsule summary in a query letter is in creating a good first impression. If it accompanies a synopsis, it should be very short, because you want the agent or editor to get on to the synopsis as soon as possible. At the same time, if they can go into the synopsis and sample pages or chapters with a pleasant sense of anticipation (rather than the reverse) it's obviously to your advantage.

You just have to convince them that you have a story to tell, not a vague collection of ideas.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Ah Teresa, (he said reeling out a little line).

Then from what you say this synopsis business is possibly the most important part of the whole project of writing a book.

If this is the case it sounds like synopsis critique should have it's own subsection in aspiring writers so that we can make suggestions.

I hope you agree. It seems a shame to spend all this effort over the actual plot only to have it die a death because the writer didn't get it together in the synopsis phase. We wouldn't need to see the whole work we would be giving impressions as above.

Now,,,, who do we know that could perhaps influence the powers that this might happen.

[Boneman]

I AGREE WITH TEIN!! (how do you start a poll?)

In a parallel universe I write film scripts, and have come close on 2 occasions to actually getting made: my alter ego - mild-mannered, bespectacled, retorter in the community has to write one sentence 'loglines' which is sometimes all that producers/directors will look at and then reject or ask for more. The best one was apparently for 'Alien' and it was this: "Jaws in Space". That is such a terrific sparcity of words, and it would be great if we all help each other on a specific section to achieve this equivalent, so that historically it will always be available, rather than disappearing if we only do threads. (Can't help thinking of Anne Mcaffrey and 'Pern' every time I mention threads - weren't they nasty little death-bringers from the sky?)

My own effort (so TEIN's critiquing muscle twitches) was: Annabelle desperately wants to bring Rob and Maria together, but it's very hard when you're three inches tall with wings, and nobody believes in you.

Even then I was writing fantasy elements.....