Please check content and emotion, A King's Court

[Damiynn]

This part of my story is very important, please I know its a bit long but I really do need a good review on content and emotion. Both good and bad, it is also two parts



Caliban stepped into his best friends chambers with a heavy heart. He had been gone for a long while from the palace and did not like having to return bearing dire news, especially not the sort that he was bringing to his only boyhood companion.

Seth appeared to be asleep at the desk in his chambers. Caliban saw something odd about his position and realized as he approached that his friend was clutching in his hands the golden crown of the fourteen kingdoms.

Being that he knew Damien was the rightful heir and that the crown truly belonged to him, it sort of looked odd in his best friend’s hands and he wondered why he was holding it. The white haired assassin mage coughed slightly and the son of the royal regent jerked awake and turned a groggy eyed face toward who had woken him.

His eyes lit with pleasure at the sight of his white haired best friend until he saw the sad melancholy look and tears filling Caliban’s slate blue eyes. Never in all of the years that he had known Caliban had he ever seen any expression resembling what he was showing now.

Caliban slowly reached into his pocket. With a slightly shaking hand he showed Seth the golden object that he had found earlier outside of the murderers cells while saving the other highlords.

Seth met his friends look and flashed him a curious expression until he saw the scrap of black and red cloth, the bloody blonde hairs and the gold amulet clutched in Caliban’s shaking fist. He recognized what he was seeing and his curious expression crumbled into sadness. That was replaced immediately by one of complete despair and total breakdown. Not able to make his legs work under him, Seth let out a howl of anguish and fell from his chair as he tried to get out of it. Sinking down onto his knees, his face as white as death, he focused again on the glittering object in Caliban’s hands. His head fell into his hands he began sobbing and weeping uncontrollably.

Caliban watched it, unmoving, not saying a word. He had felt much the same when he had discovered his mother’s body in Westlake. Finally the tears stopped flowing from the royal regent’s son’s eyes and at last he looked up and met Caliban’s gaze. The white haired young man saw the innocence that had always filled his best friend face had died and the anguish that had been on it a few moments before was gone completely. A look of murderously pure hatred had replaced it and it caused Caliban to take a few steps away from Seth out of fear for his own life, even though he knew he could have easily defeated the normally good natured son of the regent in any fight.

Seth’s entire being had changed as he stared down at what he held in his quivering hands and Caliban saw it immediately. The tears in his eyes had stopped falling but his eyes burned still with unshed ones.

Seth knew that he couldn’t cry right now and the fingers of his other hand turned blood white on the crown that he clutched. Slowly, a few trickles of blood appeared as his grip increased. Turning to Caliban, he motioned for him to close the door, saying as he did so, “We have a lot to discuss about what else has happened tonight here besides just this.” The whole time he spoke, his eyes never left the golden medallion clutched in his right hand and the crown clutched in his right

* * *


Lord Vargas Salidor, Royal Regent of the fourteen kingdoms, stood tall and erect in front of the temporary ruling council of Highlords in charge of the kingdoms until Damien could be ordained as King.

The look on Vargas’ shrewd handsome face wasn’t one of a man whose life was at stake for crimes of treason and murder. Instead he wore a nonchalant, unworried expression as if all that had happened during the night and what was now happening was of no little or of no account and just a merely a nuisance, barely even a bother. It seemed by the look on his face that he thought that this council couldn’t really do any sort of harm to him in any way, despite the circumstances or the reasons.

Stripped from him was the King’s armor and weapons. Also gone were the royal robes and missing was his royal amulet of rank.
That, he knew he had lost in the prisons, the day before.

All of his trapping of power and position had been stripped away and he stood alone wearing nothing but plain grey robes in front of the council of Highlords.

His handsome face, thick combed black hair and neatly trimmed goatee still made him look regal and somehow he still seemed to radiating power and leadership.

All could tell regardless of his crimes against the Throne and Crown that he was the brother of King Dorian and a member of the royal family same as Damien. That confidence was why twenty years ago until yesterday all had elected to follow his lead.

Lord Gildon Seahorn glared at the other lesser highlords who quelled under Vargas’ penetrating stare and at seeing his expression and the look of hate that was on the newly named Lord of Castlekeep Berus Daverge they remembered that Vargas was nothing more than a common criminal being accused of murder.

With only a look Lord Gildon had taken command of the whole situation and all of the other Highlords were now deferring to him with the exception of a few who still were Vargas’s lackeys and had their hands in the capitol city’s coffers.

Not able to take the silence anymore, ringing words of condemnation rang about the palace hall.

“Exactly what am I doing here?” Vargas demanded, contemptuously glaring at the members of the council. “Can anybody tell me what is the meaning of this?” His manner changed. Sarcasm filled his deep resonant voice and echoed off the royal audience hall’s walls. Every voice speaking went silent as he spoke.

“I was captured and put in chains while trying to defend the royal palace against treacherous and traitorous rebels.” He spat out the words out and they almost seemed strike the councilmen they were directed at. Seeing the Headfather of the clerics of Dar, the hand of justice, brother Melvynn Shutton staring down at him from his eagle-like face and stroking his thick dark brown mustaches, he spoke directly to him as the protector of the laws of the kingdoms. “Am I to be charged with something?” Holding up his manacled wrists, he added, “Or are all of the laws of the kingdoms going to be set aside just so that I can be incarcerated for not having committed any crimes at all?”

“You have been brought here for crimes against the Throne and Crown,” growled the new Highlord of Castlekeep coldly. Berus’ gray eyes seemed as hard as stone and the tone in his voice could have broken it.

“What crimes have I committed except beheading a man who was treasonous to the Throne and Crown and defied the appointed ruler and regent?” Vargas spat back at the new Highlord. Several shocked gasps filled the room and all of the color drained from Berus’ face in white hot rage.

“I admit my staff deceived me and committed some atrocities that were unknown by me in my name but their guilt should not be named as mine.” Arcing one manicured eyebrow disdainfully, he turned away from Berus who was still as white as a bedsheet and continued speaking to the Headfather. “This council is ridiculous, is there any proof that I committed any crimes?” demanded the Royal Regent. “By the gods hells, committed any crime for that matter!”

More than a few of the lesser lords and some Highlords gathered shifted uneasily in their seats and either stared down at their feet or at the ceiling above, not meeting the eyes of their companions or the Royal Regent’s angry glare.

Vargas continued speaking in a superior voice. “I was put in chains for reasons unknown to me and brought down here for only doing my duty by arresting parties that were being disobedient and treasonous to the laws of the lands and to the Throne and Crown. Whatever crimes my staff committed in my name I assure you,” Vargas said, raising his manacled arms outwards as if encompassing everyone in the room, “I had nothing to do with. Their actions were their own and all that I have done is tried to pursue a course that was within the guidelines of the laws of the land.”

Lord Gildon Seahorn snorted audibly and rolled his eyes disgustedly, but stopped short of commenting as he was met with a glare from Lord Melvynn. Snapping his mouth shut with an audible click he gave a shake of his shaggy head.

“You are charged with murder and treason against the royal family, your own brother and his wife murders and the attempted murders of their rightful heirs by birth by trying to deny their rights of ascension in attempting to kill them.” Lord Melvynn intoned in his deep baritone.

Now it was Vargas who snorted contemptuously and rolled his eyes in an exact imitation Gildon’s, but unlike the Highlord, he didn’t keep his mouth shut.

“Preposterous!” the Royal Regent shouted, his face twisting with outrage. “I was attacked in my chambers by a band of intruders. All I did was defend myself. If my staff committed crimes against the Throne and Crown, somebody should have informed me. I would have put an end to it. Only this morning, while in prison, did I found out what was going on. I was told by both my royal advisor and my chief proctor that this young man who proclaims he is my nephew.” Vargas leveled an accusing finger at Damien sitting with Logan and his sister, “had staged his own death and helped in killing my own royal ambassador and was attempting to escape justice. All I did was do what any ruler would have done. I put a reward on his head, then I dispatched knights to capture him. Again I ask what did I do wrong?”

Damien was amazed as he listened to this stretching of the truth to the point of almost non plausibility but was even more amazed that some of the councilors and Lord Melvynn were shaking their heads in agreement with Vargas’s words.

“That one,” Logan informed him quietly, whispering with an almost admiring look in his green eyes, “could give both Jediaa and Simon runs for their money on telling believable truths and hidden lies.”

“And then this woman,” Vargas paused, leveling an accusing finger at Alyssa, “who is accused of Lord Dalmar’s murder, bursts into my chambers in the middle of the night, attacks me. That,” Vargas paused again, looking at the Headfather, “is also a penalty of death. You were there Lord Shutton and yes in the heat of rage I almost killed her but that is no reason for me to be killed for treason against the Throne and Crown.” He shook his dark haired head as if he was amazed by the audacity. “In most cases, that would be considered a reasonable request for self defense.”

“Notice, he didn’t mention that he was almost defeated by the woman who burst into his chambers and tried to capture him. If it hadn’t been for a lucky stroke of that poisonous sword of his, we wouldn’t be having to go through all of this right now,” exclaimed Alyssa softly to both Damien and Logan. Hints of anger and rage filled her sky blue eyes. “I certainly would have killed him if the roles had been reversed.”

Kendle overheard her words and hid an evil sounding laugh behind a burst of coughing that was followed by a wide grin in the direction of the female cleric.

“Regardless of all of this,” the Royal Regent stated in a matter of fact voice as his shrewd dark eyed gaze swept out again, meeting the council members, “none of this is relevant and I definitely now can’t be charged with denying his or her, their right of ascension to the Sunstone throne.”

He again pointed over at both Damien and Alyssa and scoffed derisively, “Due to Highlord Melvynn Shutton’s appointment last night because of a declaration of war against Teria, before I was attacked, they no longer, like me, have any claim to the Throne and Crown.” A smirking grin spread out over his handsome face. “They are heirs no longer.”

A hushed silence fell over the large chamber, then Lord Gildon demanded in a loud voice, “What sort trickery and deceit is this! His claim has been already been proven by his possession of the rings. Damien Daverge has been acknowledged by all of us, by the council of knights, and by the elvynn of Myramoor as King of the fourteen. Even the dwelven living in Malfarra have acknowledged him.” All heads turned in the direction of the white skinned Ganiss who looked about and smiled proudly. “By what right, do you state Vargas that he has no claim and that they are no longer heirs?”

The Royal Regent grinned broadly and Damien saw the Headfather of Highold’s face fall into his hands. He thought as he watched him that he looked as if he were cradling a moan.

The Royal Regent waited until he was sure that all of the room’s attention was centered on him.

“By right of war and by right of birth!” said Vargas, a smug satisfied smile coming over his face. He looked like he had just pulled something out of his sleeve, sort of like a Tricksman at festival would do when he had done something deserving applause from an audience.

[Damiynn]

Damien saw both expressions and knew that they must have overlooked something or else Vargas wouldn’t be looking that way at anyone and neither would Lord Melvynn be looking so crestfallen. Suddenly a sinking sensation filled the pit of his stomach.

Alyssa must have also noticed it, because she immediately whispered to Damien, “You know more about these court policies and politics than I do, what in the gods hells is he talking about, I thought we are the only heirs because Seth doesn’t come to age for another two weeks.”

Logan, who had actually listened to Abraim’s lessons as a child saw it first, he groaned in much the same manner as Lord Melvynn. Abraim and then Simon, for years had coached him in the game of politics. As a spy, politics were a very important field of study and he realized what was going on as soon as he placed the comment about a declaration of war.

“Unless a war is declared.” Logan said slowly to the others, the color draining out of his face. “Then,” he explained like a teacher, “a legal heir of any age can be risen and appointed in order to command the actions of the fourteen kingdoms military. That must also be why Lord Melvynn as the Headfather of the Darian clerics was called here. Only a Headfather can appoint a new ruler to the Throne and Crown.”

Vargas must have heard the spythief’s groan and the smile on his face grew even wider as he bowed before the council, saying arrogantly. “I am the Royal Regent of Kallamar no longer and have not been so since early yesterday evening.”

A loud murmuring erupted, sounding like thousands of swarming buzzing bees, all of it following Vargas’s words.

“I abdicated the throne yesterday to my own son Seth Salidor. By the laws of war and by the right of ascension during war, I no longer hold a claim and neither,” he said, indicating the twins with an arrogant point of his chin, “do they.” Vargas gave them, Lord Gildon and the rest of the council a smugly satisfied look. “My son has been raised to the rank of King, and now he rules over all of you instead of me.”

All of the lords at the table huddled together in a conference, speaking in low voices with an occasional outburst that was followed by several hisses for quiet.

The great palatial hall of the palace went completely silent as Alyssa pushed away from where she stood silent next to the others and stepped out into the forefront.

A sort of majestic power filled her as she did so and as Damien looked after her wearing the gleaming silver armor of Dar, he recalled their grandmother’s words that she had whispered into his ear before he had left the citadel and realized that she was right, now looking at her he knew who was truly the first born of their parents.

Vargas stared hard eyed at her from across the floor and Alyssa met his stare, returning it, her icy sky blue eyes twice as hard as his.

Taking a deep breath she turned her head addressing everyone in the hall, but it was plainly obvious that her words were directed only at the Royal Regent.

“All that you have done as Regent to the fourteen kingdoms is tear the realm apart and put us on the brink of civil war amongst ourselves and at the edge of another war with another nation, all for nothing more than your own personal gains.” She paused for a moment and rounded angrily on the Royal Regent, her words coming like thrown daggers. “Where is the ruler and leader in you milord? Where is the champion of the people who would look out for their welfare first rather than for his own? Your deeds sire have left the kingdoms torn and ruined, and about to be destroyed by civil war. Now is not the time for this. Terian invaders are already on our lands and yet you have done nothing to regain those lands or protect those that will be attacked next.”

Alyssa paused, looking into the eyes of the each of the ruling lords, her sky blue eyes locking with all of them. Only the ones who had sided with Vargas couldn’t meet her gaze and the others all smiled, nodding their approval at her choice of words and at her actions.

“Any actions taken by you should be dismissed as of the day that Damien took hold of the dragon rings. On that day he became King of the realm and that is the way that is and should be.”

A loud cheer filled the chamber as she finished speaking and a solitary beam of sunlight shone through one of the overhead windows illuminating her and the silver armor in its golden light, causing both to gleam brightly in front of all like a radiant champion of justice.

The cheers in the hall fell silent though as Lord Melvynn, who sat amongst several other clerics of Dar who were all frowning worriedly, stood.

Solemnly he held up a hand for silence and waited until all had become so before he spoke slowly and in a voice that Damien could hear was filled with both sadness and regret.

“The laws of the fourteen kingdoms were put in place to insure that the proper things were properly done, but I regret to say that today it seems those same laws are to act now improperly. Because even though Damien Daverge is in possession of the Dragon rings that do indeed name him and you,” he looked at Alyssa, “heirs to the Throne and Crown, he was not here in front of the sunstone throne before a legitimate heir was named and raised. That is the law. I was duped into doing so by this piece of dirt in front of me,” the Headfather stopped speaking and gestured angrily towards Lord Vargas who glared hatefully back at him. “But the law of the land are still the laws and by rights of war and ascension, Seth Salidor is now truly the rightful ruler of the fourteen kingdoms.”

Vargas’ glare turned to a contemptuous sneer as he stroked his oiled goatee and smiled smugly at the council, but as fast as it appeared the grin faded as a booming young voice filled the chamber, causing all to fall silent once more.

“If I am the named king then I want to speak, as it is my right to do so before this council.” Seth Salidor accompanied by the white haired Caliban dressed in his molded Elvynn armor pushed his way out of the surrounding crowd and walked out onto the tiled open floor in front of the council slowly and deliberately. In his hand, as if it were a dish cloth, he nonchalantly carried the sunstone crown that had been placed on his head the night before. The crown almost looked like it was just whatever happened to be in his hand and not the reason why everyone else here was present. His youthful tall thin frame looked almost graceful as he moved, but for some reason Damien thought that he looked melancholy with his head hanging low as he strode across the floor.

“Now what?” asked Kendle suspiciously, whispering his words to the others who just shrugged in response. None of them had an answer.

“I don’t know, but he looks like he definitely has something on his mind.” answered Logan.

“That’s what I was thinking too,” returned Damien, and all looked over at the young man on the floor who stopped and stood in front of the council.

Seth raised his face so that all could see him. His handsome thin face, Damien noticed did not look at all sad. Instead it looked as if it was smoldering with barely concealed fury and Seth’s dark eyes were filled with the burning flames of a righteous anger.

Kendle took one look at the young King’s face and shook his head, whispering lowly, “Uhh oh, someone is in trouble! That is one very angry and upset looking young man.”

“The question is, who do you think he’s angry at?” asked Damien, looking around at all of them.

“I don’t know but since he’s now the King, I hope it’s not us,” stated Alyssa seriously.

Logan caught a sidelong glance from Caliban and a quick hard smile crossed the assassin’s face as he looked at the crown in Seth’s hand and then back to both of them before he glanced back to him.

Suddenly Logan remembered the conversation he had had with Caliban about what he and Seth had promised themselves if he ever became King. A wide smile crept slowly across his face. Logan knew without a doubt who that anger on the now King’s face was for.

All conversation halted when in a loud voice that didn’t seem as if it could come from the thin looking frame of the King, boomed forth.

“So I am now king!” Seth said coolly, eyeing each of the members in the council, lingering on them with a look that was similar to the one his female cousin had used. Spinning round on his heel he turned to his father.

For the first time it became clear to all where the true target of his anger and rage was to be directed.

Like a seasoned orator who had been performing for years, Seth began to pace as he started speaking. “As King my words set the laws of the lands and of the fourteen kingdoms. Everyone here in this hall, father, would have me find you guilty for treason and murder. For the act of conspiring in the killing your own brother and his wife and for attempting to kill the rightful heirs, their children, through the acts of your own staff and all in attempt to make me King so that you could retain power through me.”

A low murmur of voices buzzed through the room as all listened to the young prince’s words. What Seth was saying was exactly what half the inhabitants of the hall did believe.

“And it might have happened a week ago, but today things are different.” The young man continued glaring at his father and the tone of his voice hardened noticeably.

“I am now King of the fourteen kingdoms and I now hold the power in my hands to pass laws and while you would my father,” Seth stopped speaking and fixed the Royal Regent with a look so dark that it should have killed him, “have me pardon you for any such crimes because I am your loving son. I will and I will not do that.” Seth paused again, taking a deep breath before continuing, as he did so he moved so that he could look at both the headfather of Dar and at his own father. “I say such because there is not any direct conceivable evidence against you to convict you of the plot to stop your own nephew from regaining his rightful birthright and it could be as you say. I say now in front of all and out of love for you as my father that you are not guilty of any deaths or any crimes in that matter.”

An angry explosion of noise erupted in the chamber as almost all of the council members leapt to their feet at the same time and shouted “No!” in one loud unanimous voice. Everyone of them but Lord Melvynn, he just sat there studying the young King through dark brown eyes, a slightly curious expression on his face.

For a few minutes chaos ensued throughout as everyone kept yelling out their protestations.

Seth stood there calmly till finally in a voice loud enough to break glass he shouted “Enough!”

At the sudden sound of his bard trained voice booming throughout the hall, everything went instantly still and it became eerily quiet.

All Damien saw was the relived look on Vargas’s face and the sneer that was slowly returning to it.

He shook his head from side to side, not quite believing what he was hearing. What he heard couldn’t be true, he had seen the look on the young prince, now King’s face a few minutes earlier and he just couldn’t believe it.

Once again in a calm, soft spoken voice, in much the same way a storyteller uses to gather his audiences attention, Seth continued, “A good King judges by the evidence given him and passes judgment.” As he said these words, Lord Melvynn nodded his dark haired head.

“Since I don’t have any evidence or anything to add to my father’s so called crimes I cannot convict him of past deaths of the King and Queen. But.” Seth said holding up a hand for silence as the murmurs started to buzz around the hall again. “I am still going to convict him for murder! Another’s murder.”

Now the blazing fires of anger that had filled Seth’s eyes earlier returned in full fury as he directed his gaze onto his father. “My first,” his dark eyes bored into his father’s as if he was trying to pierce him with his stare, “and only act as King will be to convict you of the murder of Marlee Moonstone, my fiancée and bride to be.”

“What!” Vargas exploded, unable to contain himself, losing his cool composure for the first time since entering the hall. “What kind of lunacy is this?” He demanded contemptuously, a look of shocked disbelief showing on his face. “Where is your proof of this crime!” The disbelieving look changed to one of sneering condemnation as he said, “Who cares about the death of a simple serving girl anyway”

Seth’s face changed to a livid shade of purple momentarily and with quivering hand he reached deep into the pocket of his tunic and pulled out something and held it high up in the air for all in the hall to see in a white knuckled fist shaking with fury.

A bloody gold necklace of thick links was clenched tightly in his fist. Long blonde hairs could be seen interwoven into it and the necklace gleamed brightly in the sunlight filling the room.

Seth allowed the necklace to swing in his hand like a ticking pendulum of doom. Everyone in the great hall could see the Royal Regent’s personal medallion of office swinging from side to side in his hand, caked in dark red blood and wrapped with strands of golden hair.

The young King’s composure cracked in front of all and his watery blue eyes filled with angry tears as he pounced on his father with his words, like a Mar cat snagging its dinner in its sharp dagger like teeth.

“She was with child,” he growled through his emotionally thick voice, “you filthy murderer!”

For a moment Damien thought he was going to attack the ex Royal Regent himself and kill him where he stood with his own bare hands.

“You killed both of them,” Seth shouted loudly, hurling his damning words like daggers, stabbing them into the ex Royal Regent. A storm of tears fell out of his eyes and he fell to his knees violently sobbing, clutching the bloody necklace tightly to his chest.

All was dead silent in the great hall and no one moved except for Damien and Alyssa. Both of them, at the same time, stepped out from where they were watching and moved over to the sobbing King and their cousin, each placing one of their hands on one of his shoulders comfortingly.

With a shuddering heave Seth took a deep breath and recovered his composure. Swallowing hard, he fought back his angry tears, regained his feet and after a moment he spoke again. This time his voice was filled with power and conviction and none in the palace hall doubted that he was not a member of the royal family or even right now the King of the fourteen kingdoms.

In a condemning voice, that rang strong and clear throughout the chamber, he said, “This!” He gave the bloody necklace clutched in his fingers a violent shake, “was found in the dungeons by the man that you sent out on orders to kill Dalmar Ariass. It was found where you were yesterday in the prisons where the vilest of murderers are kept before shipping them out to other places. It was in this same area where you had imprisoned all of the realms nobles for crimes of treason against the Throne and Crown. I’ll bet all I have, that if a search is conducted in this area, my beloved’s body will be found there. For this crime of dual murder,” he stood even taller now and his bearing seemed to radiate leadership mixed with righteous fury. “You father are sentenced to life,” he fixed his father with another dagger filled gaze, “to end your days working in the slave mines of Du’ Autha and I hope,” he said, eyes blazing as he shook his head from side to side, “that you live a very, very long time.”

“Hells fire!” cursed Logan loudly when he heard the proclamation from the young King and more shocked gasps went up around the chamber.

The Du’Autha, slave mines were where all of the vilest of criminals were sent, to spend out the end of their days. The slave mines were not a death sentence but a still a sentence to death. They were run by the clerics of Morid, the black handed god of death, and overseen by ogres, known for their hatred and cruelty towards their human prisoners. The ogres constantly used the humans working in the harsh conditions of the mines for all kinds of bloody sports and entertainment, like one they called bounce the human. They deliberately throw a human from one of the highest shafts to see how many times he could bounce off of the walls and jagged outcroppings before hitting bottom.

Vargas stood stock still, a look of shocked disbelief etched clearly on his face as he stared at his son. As if a switch had been thrown, his lips stretched tight and his mouth set itself in a determined line. Gone was the Royal Regent’s air of casual demeanor that he had shown earlier. Now he stood stock still, his face mottled dark red with rage.

Seth stared back at his father, cold anger on his face, his eyes showing no pity as he motioned for the knights now standing behind him to take him away.

Vargas continued staring at his son as he was led away, finally the guards had to turn him in the direction they were heading to keep him from stumbling. No words were spoken but it was obvious to all that the hatred shown here between father and son was such that it could almost be felt.

Turning away from the door where his father had been led out Seth fixed a rather sad-eyed expression on his two cousins. Reaching up with one hand, he removed the crown that he had so carelessly placed on his head and that had caused so much bloodshed for the past twenty years. Reverently he knelt down in front of Damien and Alyssa both, and offered them the crown, holding it out at arms length.
“I believe cousin that this belongs to one of you.”

[TheEndIsNigh]

I haven't read it all, sorry. However there is something about it I can't put my finger on. To me some of the sentences seem clumsy like the extracts below

jerked awake and turned a groggy eyed face toward who had woken him.

maybe better as - turned a groggy eyed face toward him

The mage is doing the coughing so and there's only the two of them so who else is he going to turn his face to.

Sometimes it seems over descriptive which is then repeated as in

The white haired assassin mage...

Then later we have

....sight of his white haired best friend

We've established the white hair old friend is enough


This seems a bit clumsy too :-

he motioned for the knights now standing behind him to take him away.

for the knights behind him to take him away.

now standing - if they weren't there now then they couldn't be in the scene.

Really it doesn't matter where the knights doing the taking are unless their position plays a vital part in some later action. This guys going to be taken away - who cares where the lackeys are standing.

Also I noticed

King of the fourteen kingdoms or just the fourteen kingdoms appeared too many times for my liking. OK we've established early on that fourteen kingdoms are involved we shouldn't need reminding every other paragraph.

The King sat down.

is good enough rather than

The King of the fourteen Kingdoms sat down.

To me repeating the references to the fourteen kingdoms is just annoying unless there is a reason for it (which I didn't see) as in a tirade of abuse such as -

"Rant , rave etc... etc.... etc you blo**y lazy... rant rave... rant ... layabouts... Idle cowards... So you Dromkung had better do something about it".

And with that the King of the fourteen Kingdoms sat down.

Sorry to be so negative and of course my opinions are given in the hope that you think they are constructive though if you don't, no offence is intended and none will be taken if you wish to call me an idiot and say I don't know what I'm talking about.

Cheers

Tein

[Damiynn]

Thanks nigh, I wrote this a while ago and am updating it, I didnt catch the king part but will change that right away. You are so right, and it doesnt need to be repeated so many times. The knight thing is something that was done earlier in the book, and I also read the groggy eyed part funny as well, I meant to come back to it and forgot. Thanks and am making corrections right now.

[chrispenycate]

Yes, I know, you wanted 'content and emotion' rather than anything I can do, but here's some nits puck.

Caliban stepped into his best friends chambers with a heavy heart.

friend's

Being that he knew Damien was the rightful heir and that the crown truly belonged to him, it sort of looked odd in his best friend’s hands and he wondered why he was holding it.

The "he"s get a trifle confusing in this sentence.

until he saw the sad melancholy look and tears filling Caliban’s slate blue eyes

comma after "sad", and consider hyphenating "slate-blue".

Never in all of the years that he had known Caliban had he ever seen any expression resembling what he was showing now.

commas round "in all…Caliban"?

he had found earlier outside of the murderers cells while saving the other highlords.

murderers', and a comma after"cells".

Seth met his friends look and flashed him a curious expression until he saw the scrap of black and red cloth, the bloody blonde hairs and the gold amulet clutched in Caliban’s shaking fist. He recognized what he was seeing and his curious expression crumbled into sadness.

friend's; and possibly try and remove the repetition of "curious expression".

His head fell into his hands he began sobbing and weeping uncontrollably.

Two sentences; at least a semicolon or an "and" after "hands".

the innocence that had always filled his best friend face had died

friend's

other hand turned blood white on the crown that he clutched.

surely "bloodless white"?

[Quotet]Slowly, a few trickles of blood appeared as his grip increased. Turning to Caliban, he motioned for him to close the door, saying as he did so, “We have a lot to discuss about what else has happened tonight here besides just this.” The whole time he spoke, his eyes never left the golden medallion clutched in his right hand and the crown clutched in his right[/quote] you don't really need the commas after "Slowly" or "Caliban" and I would appreciate a full stop at the end. Has he both objects clasped in the same hand?

The look on Vargas’ shrewd handsome face

comma after "shrewd".

and just a merely a nuisance,

"just" or "merely", not both.

That confidence was why twenty years ago until yesterday all had elected to follow his lead.

possibly a "from" before "twenty", and commas from before it to after "yesterday"

Lord Gildon Seahorn glared at the other lesser highlords who quelled under Vargas’ penetrating stare and at seeing his expression and the look of hate that was on the newly named Lord of Castlekeep Berus Daverge they remembered that Vargas was nothing more than a common criminal being accused of murder

possibly "quailed" and that's a long block without punctuation. How about commas from "at seeing" to "Daverge"?

With only a look Lord Gildon had taken command of the whole situation and all of the other Highlords were now deferring to him with the exception of a few who still were Vargas’s lackeys and had their hands in the capitol city’s coffers.

Again, very long without punctuation; try reading it aloud without taking a breath.

Not able to take the silence anymore, ringing words of condemnation rang about the palace hall.

The words couldn't take the silence?

the gods hells

god's? gods'?

your own brother and his wife murders

wife's

rolled his eyes in an exact imitation Gildon’s,

imitation of?

Again I ask what did I do wrong?”

comma after "ask".

You were there Lord Shutton and yes in the heat of rage I almost killed her but that is no reason for me to be killed for treason against the Throne and Crown.”

commas around " Lord Shutton", and after "yes" and "rage".

By what right, do you state Vargas that he has no claim and that they are no longer heirs?

Unless you are trying to indicate he speaks in a strange, disjointed fashion, no comma after "right", and commas before and after "Vargas".

what in the gods hells is he talking about, I thought we are the only heirs because Seth

Question mark instead of comma after "about".

lessons as a child saw it first, he groaned in much the same manner

full stop (or at least a semicolon) after "first.

can be risen and appointed

raised?

A sort of majestic power filled her as she did so and as Damien looked after her wearing the gleaming silver armor of Dar, he recalled their grandmother’s words that she had whispered into his ear before he had left the citadel and realized that she was right, now looking at her he knew who was truly the first born of their parents.

comma before "as Dar", she "had been right" and "looking at her" is presumably not the grandmother.

Your deeds sire have left the kingdoms torn and ruined

commas round "sire"

But the law of the land are still the laws

laws of the land.

Seth Salidor accompanied by the white haired Caliban dressed in his molded Elvynn armor pushed his way out of the surrounding crowd

comma before "accompanied" and after "armour"

His handsome thin face, Damien noticed did not look at all sad.

comma after "noticed"

and while you would my father

comma after "would"

, taking a deep breath before continuing, as he did so he moved so that he could look at both the headfather of Dar and at his own father.

full stop after"continuing".

Everyone of them but Lord Melvynn, he just sat there studying the young King through dark brown eyes,

Either a semicolon instead of the comma, or "who" rather than "he"

the relived look on Vargas’s face

relieved?

a storyteller uses to gather his audiences attention

audience's

Seth’s face changed to a livid shade of purple momentarily and with quivering hand he reached deep into the pocket of his tunic and pulled out something and held it high up in the air for all in the hall to see in a white knuckled fist shaking with fury.

very long without punctuation.

a Mar cat snagging its dinner in its sharp dagger like teeth.

comma after "sharp" and maybe hyphenate "dagger-like"

his voice was filled with power and conviction and none in the palace hall doubted that he was not a member of the royal family or even right now the King of the fourteen kingdoms.

"doubted"; so none doubted that he was, otherwise it's a double negative.

It was in this same area where you had imprisoned all of the realms nobles

realm's

You father are sentenced to life

commas round "father", and consider a capital "F" as hes using it as a proper name

The Du’Autha, slave mines were where all of the vilest of criminals were sent, to spend out the end of their days.

no comma before "slave", and I feel it's either "spend" or "live out", but not "spend out".

as continued staring at his son as he was led away, finally the guards had to turn him in the direction they were heading to keep him from stumbling.

semicolon rather than comma.

“I believe cousin that this belongs to one of you.”

commas round "cousin", and why is it singular if he offers it to both?

Sorry, for "full stop" read "period"

[ChrisBfla]

I liked your writing and it did give me a great feel for the scene and characters. My one critique is that the beginning seemed a bit overly discriptive as if you were trying to cram every bit of information on the look of your characters into a single sentence. Let this kind of flow in bits and pieces throughout the story. Other thatn that, good work!

Chris

[Peter Graham]

Hi Damiynn,

I have to say that I struggled with this. It was a long extract and I didn't finish it. Your plot and your ideas are very strong and your backdrop has good depth, but I find your writing style very hard to follow and very cumbersome. You have a tendency to info dump, to tell not show, to "head hop" narrative voice and to write convoluted, badly constructed sentences. This latter problem is particularly evident when you are presenting imagery.

I'll give you a few examples. This all may sound harsh, but I do think the problems are eminently fixable. Your ideas are fine - you just need to concentrate on the execution:-

Seth appeared to be asleep at the desk in his chambers. Caliban saw something odd about his position and realized as he approached that his friend was clutching in his hands the golden crown of the fourteen kingdoms.

Leaving aside the fact that a desk is a very strange piece of furniture to find in a medieval castle, this sentence doesn't read right. Why does Caliban not notice the dirty great crown straight away (and incidentally, capitalise Fourteen Kingdoms if it is the proper name of a political unit)? Perhaps it is hidden by the desk, in which case say so. But lose the bit about the hands - you've already said Seth is clutching it, so it's fairly obvious that he must be using his hands. There is nothing wrong with keeping the sentences simple - in fact, the shorter and punchier they are the better from the point of view of an action sequence.

Being that he knew Damien was the rightful heir and that the crown truly belonged to him, it sort of looked odd in his best friend’s hands and he wondered why he was holding it.

OK - you are writing from the perspective of Caliban. No problem, until:-

His eyes lit with pleasure at the sight of his white haired best friend until he saw the sad melancholy look and tears filling Caliban’s slate blue eyes. Never in all of the years that he had known Caliban had he ever seen any expression resembling what he was showing now.

You have just head hopped and are now narrating from Seth's p.o.v. Multiple p.o.v's are OK if done well, but are rarely acceptable in subsequent paragraphs of the same chapter.

You compound it by doing this:-

The white haired assassin mage coughed slightly and the son of the royal regent jerked awake and turned a groggy eyed face toward who had woken him.

You have stopped using their names and are now referring to them by their physical descriptions. This is a very clumsy way of giving us personal information, especially as you cover both of them in the same sentence. It looks like an info dump and is also telling rather than showing. If you need to tell us what they look like, bring it out in a more subtle way - as asides to actions or even in dialogue. But also bear in mind that you might already have told us what they look like earlier in the book, in which case we don't need to hear it again. And "assassin mage" sounds like a role playing character class, rather than a genuine title.

Caliban slowly reached into his pocket. With a slightly shaking hand he showed Seth the golden object that he had found earlier outside of the murderers cells while saving the other highlords.

The last bit of that sentence - "whilst saving the other highlords" is an unnecessary info dump. The reader may already know where it has come from and, if they don't, bring it out in dialogue. Just leave it at "..the cells in XXXX".

Seth met his friends look and flashed him a curious expression

Strange word choice. What is a "curious expression"? One that is odd or inappropriate (in other words, curious in the circumstances) or one that indicates wonderment, bewilderment or whatever?

Not able to make his legs work under him, Seth let out a howl of anguish and fell from his chair as he tried to get out of it.

This is an example of poor sentence construction. What this sentence actually means is that Seth howled in anguish because he couldn't make his legs work, whereas what I think you mean is that the anguish was caused by seeing the object Caliban was holding.

In addition, Seth's mood changes about four times in the next couple of paragraphs - he runs the gamut of extreme emotions from "total breakdown" (really?) to murderous anger. It all happens too quickly and isn't enomously credible.

A look of murderously pure hatred had replaced it and it caused Caliban to take a few steps away from Seth out of fear for his own life, even though he knew he could have easily defeated the normally good natured son of the regent in any fight.

Again, the last bit of this sentence is redundant. It is not relevant who would win in a fight - what you are describing is Caliban's unconscious reaction. The qualification of that action is just info-dump and is also telling, not showing.

Seth’s entire being had changed as he stared down at what he held in his quivering hands and Caliban saw it immediately.

It's that sentence thing again. What this says is that Seth basically changed shape whilst Caliban looked at what he was holding in his hand.

The tears in his eyes had stopped falling but his eyes burned still with unshed ones.

This is a bit convoluted. Tears don't really fall like rain; they sort of dribble.

Turning to Caliban, he motioned for him to close the door, saying as he did so, “We have a lot to discuss about what else has happened tonight here besides just this.” The whole time he spoke, his eyes never left the golden medallion clutched in his right hand and the crown clutched in his right

But his eyes did leave the medallion, because you tell us that he turned to Caliban and motioned him to close the door.

Lord Vargas Salidor, Royal Regent of the fourteen kingdoms, stood tall and erect in front of the temporary ruling council of Highlords in charge of the kingdoms until Damien could be ordained as King.

Sentence construction again, I'm afraid. This one is a little more ambiguous, but what it appears to say is that Vargas had to stand there until Damien was ordained as King.

You then go into a number of paragraphs which are irrelevant to the immediate action you have just set up with this first paragraph and which are more than a little info-dumpy/ telling not showing in nature. I think you should get straight to the dialogue and bring in any of the descriptive and background stuff as (or when) you need it.

Lord Gildon Seahorn glared at the other lesser highlords who quelled under Vargas’ penetrating stare and at seeing his expression and the look of hate that was on the newly named Lord of Castlekeep Berus Daverge they remembered that Vargas was nothing more than a common criminal being accused of murder.

I think you mean "quailed" not "quelled", but you have head hopped again and are now talking from the collective p.o.v of the gathered highlords. This section started from the p.o.v of the "invisible narrator watching proceedings". I also think that you need to make it clear what the look of hate is actually on! His face? In his eyes?

With only a look Lord Gildon had taken command of the whole situation and all of the other Highlords were now deferring to him with the exception of a few who still were Vargas’s lackeys and had their hands in the capitol city’s coffers.

You have jumped narrative voice again. You are now speaking out of the book direct to the reader (like the omniscient storyteller - Tolkien does it in "The Hobbit"), letting us know that some of the highlords are just "lackeys".

Not able to take the silence anymore, ringing words of condemnation rang about the palace hall.

What this says is that the ringing words of condemnation couldn't take the silence any more, whereas I think you were referring to Vargas.

Sorry if all of this seem a little downbeat.

Regards,

Peter

[Damiynn]

No offenses taken, I wrote this a long time ago, and thought then it was perfect, I should have really read it out before posting , I will repost a better and more correct version later, thanks all

[shadowbox]

This isn't a nit pick, I haven't finished yet, but I wanted to note that the name Caliban is remarkably familiar to a character in my unfinished project Calbien [Kal-bee-ann]

[Damiynn]

Dont know about the closeness in names, I have been using this one since I published my first book A King's Quest, vol 1 three years ago and got the idea from somewhere else entirely

[Peter Graham]

Caliban pops up in Shakespeare, so you're both in good company!

Peter