Can you sense the emotion here?

[ChrisBfla]

Hi:

This is a piece from a yet to be published novel of mine called Red Moon. When I wrote this, it brought me to tears but, that's me. Does the emotion of the scene come through to you as well?

You comments will be of value.

Chris

“I’ve only bought us five more hours before a first strike. Siminov was adamant. A Russian armored division has been wiped out a hundred and fifty miles south of Krasnoyarsk, near the Mongolian border. The Chinese hit a column of about thirty T-90 tanks and several thousand men with a tactical nuke, about ten kilotons. No survivors. The Russian military command wanted to launch an immediate strike that will take out vast areas of China. I’ve been pleading with President Siminov for a twenty-four hour delay but his generals are out for blood. Five hours is all that he could promise. Oh my God, we’re going to need a miracle to stop this thing.”

Cordelier Price, resting her elbows on the situation room’s conference table, placed her head in her hand as tears came to her eyes. My cabinet and the Joint Chiefs be dammed, she thought. In five hours the end of the world was coming and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Memories of her family, of being a small girl playing, of high school and then college, her marriage, the birth of her children. In a matter of hours the lives almost everyone she ever knew and the lives of the millions she did not would end and for what? Because a mad man sealed in a bunker nearly half a mile below the city of Beijing could not be stopped? One man for the lives of millions or perhaps billions?

President Price looked up at the men and women assembled in the situation room. All of them were in deep emotional pain. Wiping the tears away from her coffee colored cheeks she addressed everyone. “I want you to gather your families together quietly and have them report to the Andrews Air Force Base to prepare to be evacuated. I’ll inform the Speaker of the House to be ready as well and to inform the congress and the senate. This city…our beautiful city…it will be one of the first targets. General Andersen, you expect your SDI systems to be able to stop seventy percent of the incoming warheads?”
Andersen looked distraught. “Yes…yes Ma’am, that’s correct, maybe even seventy-five percent.”
“And if the Chinese use their MIRVed ICBMs that would be about four hundred inbound warheads, is that correct?”
“Ah…yes Ma’am that is correct.”
“General, what kind of casualties could the United States expect?”
General Andersen put his hand to his head. It was difficult to even think. “About sixty million, maybe a bit more depending on the targets. But…that’s from the immediate strike. Radiation and the hard freeze that will follow will most likely kill that number again…And, that doesn’t take into account their manned bombers and submarine launched missiles. The total number of dead could easily exceed two hundred million.”

Cordelier Price put her hands to her face rubbing her forehead then addressed everyone in the situation room. “Please, right now, bow your heads. I will lead us…Our father, who art in Heaven…hallowed be thy name…thy kingdom…”

A Marine Corps Major bust in from the communications room. “Madam President…everyone! We have news… News from the Moon! They’re patching it in now…audio and video!” It’s Colonel McGovern…Ma’am! He’s alive!”
President Price was on her feet. “Quickly! Get it on the screen!”
In moments the six foot wide plasma screen came to life.
“…am speaking to you from the Moon….I repeat, this is Colonel John McGovern and Captain Natasha Polyakova speaking from the Chinese moon base. We are standing here with Major Yuan Xho, in command of the moon base. Major Yuan has declared the base’s independence from the Peoples Republic of China. We are all working together to avert a catastrophe. We hope you can see and hear our transmission in America, Russia and Europe. Our transmission must be rebroadcast to the Chinese people as well. The launching of the Chinese stealth nuclear packages has been stopped although nine orbital weapons are on course for Earth.”

The Chinese Major stepped forward. “I am Major Yuan, in command of the liberated moon base. We will begin transmitting immediately, the codes necessary to turn on the locator transponders inside of the nuclear strike packages. Once you have these, the devices should be easily located and destroyed. We did not launch any additional strike packages. I repeat, our base has declared independence from the criminals who have seized the government of China. We are ready and willing to cooperate with coalition forces.”

Natasha Polyakova then stepped up to the front and began making the same address in Russian, hoping the signal was getting through to Moscow. In the situation room, men and women were weeping with joy. Others hugged and pounded each other on their backs. Cordelier Price wanted to rush into the arms of her husband Derek but she knew the crisis wasn’t over yet. Not by a long shot…still, she looked over at Clayton Andersen, his macho persona giving way to tears that formed in his eyes. Maybe, just maybe, God had heard those prayers and maybe he would give the human race one more chance.

“General! Send a transmission. Tell them we’re getting all this! Jake, get every high powered transmitter on every ship and plane and in every nation that borders China to rebroadcast everything from the Moon. Overpower their TV and radio channels! Make sure it’s translated for the Chinese people to see and hear. Admiral Warner, locate and destroy those orbital weapons and then place us at DEFCON two. Pull our bombers back to their second hold points. I don’t want any accidents to start a war that we might be able to end without getting a lot of people killed. Get the communications staff in here as well. In case Moscow and the EU aren’t getting this, make sure they do and get me Victor Siminov on the telephone immediately. Oh thank God, we have a chance.”

It was as if a great crushing stone had been lifted from her chest. Suddenly a lightness and a deep peace seemed to descend over President Price. Then quietly she spoke, “Thank you Lord for hearing our prayers and sparing us…thank you.”

[Damiynn]

I liked it, I only had one or two little things that bothered me but they are a little nitpicky and just a matter of style. I thought it could have had a few more descriptive emotions in the characters emotions and I immediately noted the word Macho, that one I would remove and write a different way. I kept thinking no one uses that word any more unless you are old enough to remember it.

[The Procrastinator]

The scene reads pretty well but I can't say that it particularly engaged me emotionally -maybe I'm up too late? I felt a little detached reading this, as if it was written as a script for a movie that I wasn't watching. Maybe more context is needed for me to feel the level of emotional involvement that you did, Chris. Personally, I don't feel invested enough in the characters or the situation to respond to it emotionally. Its difficult to judge thrillers from a snippet though.

[mosaix]

Chris, to be honest, the typeface is too small for me to read it comfortably. I think you may find it will put many people put off contributing to this thread.

[TheEndIsNigh]

I'm with Mosaix on this Chris.

With a quick looksee It seemed to me the officers were a bit low level ranking but maybe I missed why this was as in all the others have been wiped out perhaps.

[Teresa Edgerton]

Yes, please read this IF YOU IGNORE THIS YOUR POST MAY BE LOCKED: Formatting Requests. before you post anything else for critique.

This didn't do anything for me emotionally either. There are some things (children, puppies, kittens ...) that automatically evoke sympathy in most people, but when it comes to adult characters, readers usually need to get to know them before they invest emotionally.

If what you have posted appears part of the way through your book, then it probably comes across more powerfully than it does here, but of course we can't judge that with what we have.

However, I will say this, a passage like

Cordelier Price, resting her elbows on the situation room’s conference table, placed her head in her hand as tears came to her eyes. My cabinet and the Joint Chiefs be dammed, she thought. In five hours the end of the world was coming and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Memories of her family, of being a small girl playing, of high school and then college, her marriage, the birth of her children. In a matter of hours the lives almost everyone she ever knew and the lives of the millions she did not would end

comes across as a bit trite and a bit manipulative. But if readers have already been introduced to some of her friends and family members, a few sentences calling them to mind in more specific terms would be far more affecting than this montage.

You probably already know these people, they're probably in your mind as you write, so you feel their loss. But we have to see them on the page to feel the same way.

[ctg]

Originally Posted by ChrisBfla

Hi:
This is a piece from a yet to be published novel of mine called Red Moon. When I wrote this, it brought me to tears but, that's me. Does the emotion of the scene come through to you as well?

No. You use telling more then crafting the picture with your words. Let me show where you do wrong.

...

“I’ve only bought us five more hours before a first strike," Siminov remained adamant.

[This needs an device that shows the tactical situation. In near future this would most probably in US case be an enermous LCD display situated on command bunker wall]

"A Russian armored division has been wiped out a hundred and fifty miles south of Krasnoyarsk, near the Mongolian border." [Protagonist Action] + [Device Use] "The Chinese hit a column of about thirty T-90 tanks and several thousand men with a tactical nuke, about ten kilotons."
[Characters reactions]
[Dialogue, a question prehaps]
"No survivors," Protagonist answered and pointed at the [Device] + [Emotion] "The Russian military command wanted to launch an immediate strike that will take out vast areas of China."
[Characters reactions]
"I’ve been pleading with President Siminov," for a twenty-four hour delay but his generals are out for blood. "Five hours is all that he could promise. ... Oh my God ... we’re going to need a miracle to stop this thing...”

[Characters reactions.]
[Dialogue lines.]
[Protagonist emotion and thoughts.]

This needed a bit more composing then how it comes out now. You need more showing then telling. You need to establishe who is the protagonist and stick in his or her head.

Cordelier Price, resting her elbows on the situation room’s conference table, placed her head in her hand as tears came to her eyes. My cabinet and the Joint Chiefs be dammed, she thought. In five hours the end of the world was coming and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Memories of her family, of being a small girl playing, of high school and then college, her marriage, the birth of her children. In a matter of hours the lives almost everyone she ever knew and the lives of the millions she did not would end and for what? Because a mad man sealed in a bunker nearly half a mile below the city of Beijing could not be stopped? One man for the lives of millions or perhaps billions?

There's a sin lurking in this paragraph. I call it head popping. But watch how use word tears with your emotion. It should show more. I also felt a bit info dumped.

I'm very sorry if this hurt your feelings, but this is my opinion on your style. You have such a good scene here for a great drama. I would shape it more.

President Price looked up at the men and women assembled in the situation room. All of them were in deep emotional pain. Wiping the tears away from her coffee colored cheeks she addressed everyone. “I want you to gather your families together quietly and have them report to the Andrews Air Force Base to prepare to be evacuated. I’ll inform the Speaker of the House to be ready as well and to inform the congress and the senate. This city…our beautiful city…it will be one of the first targets. General Andersen, you expect your SDI systems to be able to stop seventy percent of the incoming warheads?”

Andersen looked distraught. “Yes…yes Ma’am, that’s correct, maybe even seventy-five percent.”

“And if the Chinese use their MIRVed ICBMs that would be about four hundred inbound warheads, is that correct?”

“Ah…yes Ma’am that is correct.”

“General, what kind of casualties could the United States expect?”

General Andersen put his hand to his head. It was difficult to even think. “About sixty million, maybe a bit more depending on the targets. But…that’s from the immediate strike. Radiation and the hard freeze that will follow will most likely kill that number again…And, that doesn’t take into account their manned bombers and submarine launched missiles. The total number of dead could easily exceed two hundred million.”

Cordelier Price put her hands to her face rubbing her forehead then addressed everyone in the situation room. “Please, right now, bow your heads. I will lead us…Our father, who art in Heaven…hallowed be thy name…thy kingdom…”

A Marine Corps Major bust in from the communications room. “Madam President…everyone! We have news… News from the Moon! They’re patching it in now…audio and video!” It’s Colonel McGovern…Ma’am! He’s alive!”

President Price was on her feet. “Quickly! Get it on the screen!”

In moments the six foot wide plasma screen came to life.

“…am speaking to you from the Moon….I repeat, this is Colonel John McGovern and Captain Natasha Polyakova speaking from the Chinese moon base. We are standing here with Major Yuan Xho, in command of the moon base. Major Yuan has declared the base’s independence from the Peoples Republic of China. We are all working together to avert a catastrophe. We hope you can see and hear our transmission in America, Russia and Europe. Our transmission must be rebroadcast to the Chinese people as well. The launching of the Chinese stealth nuclear packages has been stopped although nine orbital weapons are on course for Earth.”

The Chinese Major stepped forward. “I am Major Yuan, in command of the liberated moon base. We will begin transmitting immediately, the codes necessary to turn on the locator transponders inside of the nuclear strike packages. Once you have these, the devices should be easily located and destroyed. We did not launch any additional strike packages. I repeat, our base has declared independence from the criminals who have seized the government of China. We are ready and willing to cooperate with coalition forces.”

Natasha Polyakova then stepped up to the front and began making the same address in Russian, hoping the signal was getting through to Moscow. In the situation room, men and women were weeping with joy. Others hugged and pounded each other on their backs. Cordelier Price wanted to rush into the arms of her husband Derek but she knew the crisis wasn’t over yet. Not by a long shot…still, she looked over at Clayton Andersen, his macho persona giving way to tears that formed in his eyes. Maybe, just maybe, God had heard those prayers and maybe he would give the human race one more chance.

“General! Send a transmission. Tell them we’re getting all this! Jake, get every high powered transmitter on every ship and plane and in every nation that borders China to rebroadcast everything from the Moon. Overpower their TV and radio channels! Make sure it’s translated for the Chinese people to see and hear. Admiral Warner, locate and destroy those orbital weapons and then place us at DEFCON two. Pull our bombers back to their second hold points. I don’t want any accidents to start a war that we might be able to end without getting a lot of people killed. Get the communications staff in here as well. In case Moscow and the EU aren’t getting this, make sure they do and get me Victor Siminov on the telephone immediately. Oh thank God, we have a chance.”

It was as if a great crushing stone had been lifted from her chest. Suddenly a lightness and a deep peace seemed to descend over President Price. Then quietly she spoke, “Thank you Lord for hearing our prayers and sparing us…thank you.”

[ChrisBfla]

Thank you, you are correct. There has been a battle at the moon base between forces who support independence after the Chinese coup and those who will go along with the new government. The US, EU, Russian mission was to stake thir own claim to the lunar resources the Chinese have claimed for themselves in violation of the 1967 Treaty of Outer Space. I tried to base some of this (the story takes place in 2019) as sort of a worst case version of the Soviet coup against Gorbachev in 1991, with one of the coup leaders being particularly unstable. The story is one of control of the resources of the Moon and the space between the Earth and the Mon, sort of like the wars that broke out between the European nations in the 1500s with the discovery of the New World. In the 1500s it was about gold but on the Moon it is the confirmation of ice fields a few meters below the Moon's South Pole Atkins basin. Water, in the form of ice, frozen for billions of years from comet impacts can provide a permanent moon base with water, oxygen and rocet fuel (hydrogen and oxygen) The excerpt that I have included is near the end of the novel. Although it may seem the crisis is over, a new plot twist say no.

This is my second novel. My first one is publsihed but awaiting release in January.

Chris

[Peter Graham]

Hi Chris,

To answer your sepcific point, I'm afraid I didn't find the piece very emotional. I felt that you relied too heavily on what one might call the Stereotypes of Desparation - tears for the children

Memories of her family, of being a small girl playing, of high school and then college, her marriage, the birth of her children. In a matter of hours the lives almost everyone she ever knew and the lives of the millions she did not would end and for what?

and then a quick prayer.

Cordelier Price put her hands to her face rubbing her forehead then addressed everyone in the situation room. “Please, right now, bow your heads. I will lead us…Our father, who art in Heaven…hallowed be thy name…thy kingdom…”

Now I'm not saying that people don't do these things, but I do rather doubt that President Cordelier (Cordelia?) Price would do so. Why? Because she is the president of our current Top Nation. She is undoubtedly sassy, intelligent, pragmatic and tough. In fact, when she snaps out of it, that is exactly how you portray her. Her colleagues are looking to her for leadership and although she might be at a loss as to what to do, her whole being would be coursing with adrenalin and her mind would be firing left, right and centre.

If you want to show us a panic and mental collapse as she gives up (albeit temporarily), then I think this piece needs to unfold more slowly and be much more character based. Get us into her head and let us see the internal conflict and the desparation start to rise. Does she feel in any way responsible for what has happened? Does she feel that she has let her country down? Does she feel anger and frustration?

Give us a personal view of how she is feeling and I think the emotion and drama will follow. At present, she just looks like a bit of a quitter who's given up too easily (and prematurely, it would appear). That doesn't make for either a strong or a likeable character.

By the way - congratulations on getting that first book published! Good luck with it!

Regards

Peter

[ChrisBfla]

Well I agree to a point but not having seen how my character, President Price reacts in other situations, does not give you really good insight into her tough as nails persona. In this case, everyone beleives the Moon mission to be a failure with McGovern and Polyakova both dead and eighty radar cloaked nuclear warheads on a course for Earth to take up orbits that will bring them over all of the world's major cities. Since they have been launched from a magnetic accelerator from the Moon, and wrapped in radar absorbing material, they cannot be tracked from the Earth. Everything is at it's end for my main character.

She is a departure from my first novel, The Hive. You can have a look at my temporary site for The Hive at www.freewebs.com/chrisbfla

I will be relocating the site in December.

Thanks,

Chris

[Teresa Edgerton]

If she really is tough-as-nails, I don't think you should embarrass her by writing her a scene of such stock sentimentality.

[ChrisBfla]

Well, I'm not sure. How would you feel if you were going to lose 80-90 percent of your population and then give the order to kill seveal hundred million human beings? I think for anyone except Joseph Stalin or Adolf Hitler, it would be rather upsetting.

Chris

[Teresa Edgerton]

Originally Posted by ChrisBfla

How would you feel if you were going to lose 80-90 percent of your population and then give the order to kill seveal hundred million human beings? I

It's not a matter of how I would feel. Undoubtedly, I would be a quivering jelly.

There is no doubt that your character would be experiencing a veritable storm of emotions, but I don't think she would react to those emotions in the way that you show her reacting -- if she is actually as tough as you say she is.

This is a scene that should have readers biting their nails, hoping she can find a way out, not feeling sorry for her.

[ChrisBfla]

That is a good point. I'll thinki about modifying this .

[ChrisBfla]

This is what I was trying to say about the president being tough as nails. One of the lead rats in story is a billionaire investment chairman who helped arrange the death of the President of the United States. Price was his VP.

Cordelier Price stood up from her desk. “Is he being held at NSA headquarters?”
“Yes, Ma’am, he is.
“Then I want to see him right now, understand?
“Are you sure you want to speak with him?”
“Yes I do, immediately!”
Nathan Crowley sat looking dejected and slightly disheveled despite the elegantly tailored dark blue Versace suit he was wearing. Crowley scanned his stark surroundings: harsh overhead lighting, gray cinderblock walls, a simple metal table and two chairs made of gray metal with black vinyl upholstery. His own thin padded chair was made even more uncomfortable by the fact his wrists were handcuffed behind his back. The only movement in the room was the analogue clock, ticking off the minutes and the occasional sound of the two ceiling mounted security cameras that faced him, refocusing their lenses.

He had been quickly hustled out of New York by helicopter and then flown in a government registered Gulfstream Jet to National Security Agency headquarters in Washington, DC. No phone call, no Miranda Rights and no access to his lawyers. For the first time in his life, Nathan Crowley, billionaire and CEO of the East Wind Investment and Securities Corporation finally began to realize he was in deep ****.

As he contemplated his predicament he could hear the sound of a key being inserted into the door. It swung open to reveal two Marine guards armed with M-16s. They were quickly followed by two well built secret service men in black suits who entered the room and made a quick inspection of Crowley’s handcuffs. This peeked Cowley’s curiosity as to who would be following. Certainly this much muscle and firepower meant the next person in the room had to be someone pretty important. When she entered the room, it took a moment for just who he was looking at to register on his consciousness: President Cordelier Price.

Crowley made a move as if to stand but Cordelier Price fixed him with a glare that could have done real physical damage, it was so powerful. Her voice dripping with sarcasm, she addressed the billionaire CEO.
“Oh, please…don’t get up. Standing would be a sign of respect and you certainly have no respect for me, the Office of the President, and absolutely none for your country. The NSA has been sifting through your files and your computers since yesterday. You’d be just amazed at what they found…or then again maybe not, since you put it there”
Nathan Crowley, shifting in his seat blurted out, “I have rights! I demand to speak with my attorney!”
President Price walked over to Crowley, regarding him like some kind of unpleasant garden slug and then she smiled, chuckled and shook her head at the absurdity of his statement.
“Mister Crowley, you have rights? You demand to speak to your attorney? You’re sitting in underground level number four, three hundred feet below the National Security Agency building, being held on the charge of treason, as well as murder. You may as well be on the far side of the Moon: Which is what this is about after all: The Moon and China’s attempt to gain control not only of space but the world’s economy. Since you’ve been held incommunicado, you don’t know it yet, but very shortly, a state of war may exist between the United States and the Peoples Republic of China.”
Crowley looked as if someone had just punched him in the gut.
“Yes, Mister Crowley, war, possibly nuclear war after what we’ve leaned about China’s real intentions. Because of what you’ve done, the blood of hundreds of millions will be on your hands and those of your cohorts. Oh, and while we were digging in your papers and computer files we found your connection to the assassination of President Richmond. John Richmond was not only my president, he was also my friend and I swore on his death when I took the Oath of Office, he would be avenged.”

Cordelier Price turned and spoke to her secret service agents and the two Marines.
“Please, unlock his handcuffs and wait outside. Mr. Crowley is not a violent man himself. He pays people to do his dirty work for him. Now please excuse us and… switch off the cameras and the audio. What I have to say to this man is between the two of us.”
Nathan Crowley rubbed his wrists, finally free of the handcuffs and watched the four men leave the room. Cordelier Price noticed his watch, this time he was wearing a gold Rolex.
“Nice watch. How much in blood money did that cost you, or was it a bargain at thirty pieces of silver?”
Crowley tried to straighten his tie and regain some semblance of control over his destiny.
“What do you want from me? I’m Nathan Crowley and I don’t have to answer anything to anyone, not even to you!”
Cordelier Price’s almond eyes flashed a warning and with just her look he began to stammer thinking better of his blustery comments. Letting his predicament sink in, he realized she could have him shot with a snap of her fingers.
“Ah… okay maybe we can talk.”
“Talk? Believe me Mister Crowley, the last place on Earth I want to be is in this room, talking with you. You disgust me. My fondest wish is to see you dead. If I open my mouth and scream, those men will be in here so fast with guns blazing that you’d be dead before you hit the floor and if I had my way, I’d kill you myself! But I have to think about the lives of the crew on their way to confront the Chinese on the Moon and those men and women sitting in their launch silos as we go to DEFCON One, staring at their unopened code books and holding their launch keys, ready to open the door to nuclear Armageddon. We are talking about ending the lives of millions, maybe billions of human beings if that happens. So, for that reason alone I have to keep you alive. You don’t say another damn word to me until I say you can speak. I talk and you listen, this is between you and me, there are no cameras and there is no audio recording. Because we have more than enough to convict you for treason as well as the murder of President Richmond, I’ll tell you right now, you will be tried by a military tribunal and the sentence will be death This won’t be the kind of quiet death where you’re strapped to a gurney and put to sleep before you’re injected with lethal drugs. Your death will be far more violent. You’ll be standing in front of a padded cinderblock wall, looking down the barrels of a dozen M-16 rifles crapping in your pants as you watch twelve soldier’s fingers slowly squeeze the triggers of their weapons. I want your last moments on Earth to be filled with terror and pain. Or…I can invite the secret service agents back in along with an NSA interrogator and you can tell him everything and I mean everything that you know. Every contact, every mole in our military or the FBI and every last bit of information you know or even suspect about what the Chinese are planning. You do that and as distasteful as it is to me, I’ll commute your sentence to life in prison.”

Nathan Crowley, once a VIP, one of the most powerful men in the world of international finance was reduced to a puddle of quaking fear, tears actually forming in his eyes. He was shaking so violently he could hardly get his words out.
“Okay, okay…I’ll tell them everything, everything you want to know I swear it! I’ll give you everything…”
President Price just stared at him.
“That is the smartest business decision you’ve ever made Mister Crowley but I’m warning you, after the NSA is finished with your interrogation, you’ll be put on a plane and flown to the military prison at Fort Leavenworth Kansas to await your trial. If any of your information proves false and I mean any of it, just one lie or just one missing fact, a door will open on that jet, and you sir will find yourself exiting the aircraft at twenty thousand feet. Do I make myself clear?

Nathan Crowley sat in his chair, breathing hard and unable to speak just nodding his head in agreement. He looked as if he was going to hyperventilate.
President Cordelier Price stood over him, regarding him like a cockroach.
“Very good Mister Crowley. I’ll have the NSA interrogator speak with you. I’m heading back to the White House to attend to the crisis at hand but first I need a good hot shower, to wash the slime off of me from being in the same room with you.”