voice in head help

[spike.stampede]

hello all.
First time posting on this site so please forgive any errors in formatting and please correct me when and where I go wrong. This is an excerpt of a project I am working where one of my characters shares a conscious with one another and they have internal dialogue. This is what I am having the most issues with. Please advise and hopefully enjoy. I am very glad to have join this forum.

Chapter 2.

I awakened alone in a completely white room. It was bare and empty of all furnishings except for a steel bench and a large full length mirror. Without even signs of a door there was apparently no exit and the feeling of being watched struck at me. Clean the place smelled like a hospital, an antiseptic odor filled the air.
My head pounded like a drum. Last thing I remembered was turning in for the night in my small cell over at the Rikers mental ward. Granted I wasn’t to sure of my sanity at this point but I was well aware my new surroundings were not made up in my head. Sitting up I grabbed at the sides of my head as if to contain the throbbing monster that wanted out and into the world.



My stomach constricted with pangs of hunger. Hungry and with a record breaking headache I stumbled to my feet. It was so bright in this place. The halogen bulbs overhead bounded of every wall seeming to reflect directly into my eyes. I had to shield my vision with my hand whilst I examined my new surroundings.

*There watching you* A low whisper of a voice spoke in my ear. *Leave me alone* I thought back to the ethereal voice. *Can’t you feel there eyes?* It questioned back. “Yes and I repeat leave me alone my head is killing me” under my breath I stated back.
*And you think that’s my fault?* Snickered the voice that seemed to come from no where. *You don’t remember at all do ya?* the specter questioned. *But I remember, I remember it all.*




*Then what the hell happened then?* I asked. *You were gassed last night and brought here* *you been sold my friend, they wish to use you.* the voice stated.
Through the sharp pain filled clouds in my head I vaguely remembered a dream of choking. Choking and gasping for air in a green fog, masked faces looking down on me. One large face in particular with huge black eyes leaned right in. “Bed time for Bonzo” it snarled showing large razor like teeth. I shook my head side to side with my eyes clenched shut to remove the image from my mind.





*Sold?* *Use me?* again I mentally questioned the voice. *Yes my boy* it answered back.*for what and who they are I do not know yet* it told me. *I can’t hear outside of this room we are in.*
I walked over to the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and sunken in with black circles surrounding the dark brown orbs. “God I look like a junkie” I spoke out loud. “What the **** is going on?” I asked myself. *I don’t know exactly the voice returned all I know is what I’ve heard so far*. “What you have heard?” I inquired again shaking my head trying to sort through the after effects of whatever drug I was recovering from. *Yes what I hear, you think I’m just in your mind that you made me up.*It stated. *Yes I am in your mind but you didn’t create me and Charles you are not crazy* “yeah whatever, you’re a voice in my head that no one else can hear.” “My track record so far doesn’t make me poster boy for sanity and for gods sake I’m arguing with you, a stinking voice in my head” I laughed out loud and in my mind. *Ok you might not be the tightest ball of twine man but I'm real and I'm still here if you’re asleep or out cold* It told me. *We have been though this before Charles.* *you know things without learning them and I’ve told you more that have been proved to be right” How can you dispute that?* *you have a gift and I’m trying to help you use it*Stated the voice. “And what is that gift now?” I sarcastically questioned my invisible companion. *Me.* it answered.

“Sure and I’m the king of France” I sarcastically replied and stuck out my tongue at my new patrons behind the mirror. I’d seen to many movies and been in a few institutions to not know about two way mirrors and hidden cameras. “Hey!” I yelled aloud to whoever was out there. “I got to take a piss!” “You don’t want me messing up this nice clean floor do ya?” I spoke with a sarcastic smile on my face.
As if on cue a low mechanical hum emitted from the wall opposite the mirror. Startled I spun around to see a section of what I thought was a solid wall slide forward and spin around presenting me with a toilet. Now facing me with still no seam against it’s the white smooth back, the toilet sat as if it had always been there.
As I brushed the long bangs away from my eyes I admired the fancy accommodations. “Now that was cool.” I admitted out loud.

With shame being something I had lost during my last few years in Rikers I sauntered up to the commode and relieved myself. Afterward, upon straitening my clothes I realized I was no longer wearing my light Grey prison clothes. I must have been re-dressed because now I was dressed in white scrub bottoms and a dark Grey t-shirt. As I headed back over to the mirror another hum from the mechanical wall emitted from behind me and the toilet was gone without a trace as quickly as it had appeared. “Funky” I thought and meandered back over to the mirror.

I looked like ****. My dirty red hair was to long and looked like I hadn’t combed it in a week. My high cheek bones which usually were one of my better features now made my face look like a skull. White skin now draped over my cranium. Also I must have lost weight, never an athletic man but never overweight I did OK.
Now I appeared like one of them starving children Sally Struthers parades around on TV for other people’s pity and pennies a day. Except I was just over 6 feet tall, Caucasian and no flies stuck in my eye balls. Not that I was worried about impressing anyone but to know I could look like this was almost as bad as the condition itself I thought.

“****” I mumbled out loud. All of a sudden my knees went weak. My head still thumped at the pace of a drummer I couldn’t hear but felt none the less. Suddenly I felt I had to sit down when both legs gave out. Falling to my knees, both palms landed flat on the perfectly clean opaque tile. My head hung low.

Apparently I still hadn’t recovered fully from whatever chemicals were still in my system as well as what felt like an apparent week without food. A familiar sting and a little red mark on my left wrist told me I had had an I.V. recently. *must have been feeding us intravenously* my internal friend stated.
I tried to slow down my breathing and get back on my feet but I couldn’t stand. Felt like a really fat person was on my shoulders expecting a ride. I tried to calm myself and sat on the floor with my legs out stretched in front of me.
“What the hell is happening?” I asked myself. *Still I don’t know.* repeated the voice in my head. *and you won’t let me tell you what I do know….
*Shut up!*
I shot back mentally. “I will not take advice from a ******* voice!” *but I….*: But nothing I interrupted, leave me the hell alone”





From behind the mirror just as Charles had suspected two people watched him. chapter 2 continued---

[chrispenycate]

Welcome aboard. I'm the grammar/punctuation pedant. Don't worry, I'm not representative of the place.

Originally Posted by spike.stampede

hello all.
First time posting on this site so please forgive any errors in formatting and please correct me when and where I go wrong. This is an excerpt of a project I am working where one of my characters shares a conscious

consciousness

with one another

"with an other", since you've started "One of my"

and they have internal dialogue. This is what I am having the most issues with. Please advise and hopefully enjoy. I am very glad to have join this forum.

Chapter 2.

I awakened alone in a completely white room. It was bare and empty of all furnishings except for a steel bench and a large full length mirror. Without even signs of a door

This is really the break point - the lack of door belongs in the second sentence[quote there was apparently no exit and the feeling of being watched struck at me. Clean[/quote]comma

the place smelled like a hospital, an antiseptic odor filled the air.

The bit after the comma is a complete sentence, and needs at least a semicolon, probably a period, to split it off. But do you really need to tell people what a hospital smells like?

My head pounded like a drum.

The

Last thing I remembered was turning in for the night in my small cell over at the Rikers

probably Rikers'

mental ward. Granted

comma[quote I wasn’t to[/quote]too[quote sure of my sanity at this point but I was well aware my new surroundings were not made up in my head. Sitting up[/quote]comma

I grabbed at the sides of my head as if to contain the throbbing monster that wanted out and into the world.



My stomach constricted with pangs of hunger. Hungry

comma; and I wouldn't have put "hungry" and "hunger in such close proximity

and with a record breaking headache

comma

I stumbled to my feet. It was so bright in this place. The halogen bulbs overhead bounded of

"off"; and "bounded" doesn't do it for me; too active

every wall seeming to reflect directly into my eyes. I had to shield my vision with my hand whilst I examined my new surroundings.

*There

they're

watching you* A low whisper of a voice spoke in my ear. *Leave me alone* I thought back to the ethereal voice. *Can’t you feel there

eyes?* It questioned back. “Yes

comma

and I repeat leave me alone

semicolon

my head is killing me” under my breath I stated back.
*And you think that’s my fault?* Snickered the voice that seemed to come from no where.

nowhere

*You don’t remember at all

comma

do ya?* the specter questioned. *But I remember, I remember it all.*




*Then what the hell happened then?*

kill one of the "then"s

I asked. *You were gassed last night and brought here* *you been sold my friend, they wish to use you.* the voice stated.
Through the sharp pain

hyphen (pain-filled

filled clouds in my head I vaguely remembered a dream of choking. Choking and gasping for air in a green fog, masked faces looking down on me. One large face in particular with huge black eyes leaned right in. “Bed time for Bonzo” it snarled

comma

showing large razor

hyphen

like teeth. I shook my head side to side

comma

with my eyes clenched shut

comma

to remove the image from my mind.





*Sold?* *Use me?* again

comma

I mentally questioned the voice. *Yes

comma

my boy* it answered back.*for what and who they are I do not know yet* it told me. *I can’t hear outside of this room we are in.*
I walked over to the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and sunken in with black circles surrounding the dark brown orbs. “God

comma

I look like a junkie” I spoke out loud. “What the **** is going on?” I asked myself. *I don’t know exactly

quotation asterisk

the voice returned

quotation asterisk

all I know is what I’ve heard so far*. “What you have heard?”

unless he says it out loud, wouldn't this be in asterisks rather than quotation marks? But from here onward, the Charles voice is like this

I inquired again

comma

shaking my head trying to sort through the after effects of whatever drug I was recovering from. *Yes what I hear,

period

you think I’m just in your mind

comma

that you made me up.*It stated. *Yes

comma

I am in your mind but you didn’t create me and

comma

Charles

comma

you are not crazy* “yeah whatever, you’re a voice in my head that no one else can hear.”

why the break in quotation marks

“My track record so far doesn’t make me poster boy for sanity and for gods

god's

sake I’m arguing with you, a stinking voice in my head” I laughed out loud and in my mind. *Ok

comma

you might not be the tightest ball of twine man but I'm real and I'm still here if you’re asleep or out cold* It told me. *We have been though this before

comma

Charles.* *you know things without learning them and I’ve told you more that have been proved to be right”

no quotation marks

How can you dispute that?* *you have a gift and I’m trying to help you use it*

no upper-case "S"

Stated the voice. “And what is that gift now?” I sarcastically questioned my invisible companion. *Me.* it answered.

“Sure

comma

and I’m the king of France” I sarcastically replied and stuck out my tongue at my new patrons behind the mirror. I’d seen to

too

many movies and been in a few institutions to not know about two way mirrors and hidden cameras. “Hey!” I yelled aloud to whoever was out there. “I got to take a piss!” “You don’t want me messing up this nice clean floor do ya?” I spoke with a sarcastic smile on my face.
As if on cue a low mechanical hum emitted from the wall opposite the mirror. Startled

comma

I spun around to see a section of what I

comma

thought was a solid wall slide forward and spin around presenting me with a toilet. Now facing me

comma

with still no seam against it’s the

no "the

white smooth back, the toilet sat as if it had always been there.
As I brushed the long bangs away from my eyes I admired the fancy accommodations. “Now that was cool.” I admitted out loud.

With shame being something I had lost during my last few years in Rikers I sauntered up to the commode and relieved myself. Afterward, upon straitening

I think that's "straightening"

my clothes

comma

I realized I was no longer wearing my light Grey prison clothes.

repetiton of "clothes"

I must have been re-dressed

comma

because now I was dressed in white scrub bottoms and a dark Grey t-shirt. As I headed back over to the mirror another hum from the mechanical wall emitted from behind me

why passive and the toilet was gone without a trace as quickly as it had appeared. “Funky” I thought and meandered back over to the mirror.

I looked like ****. My dirty red hair was to

too

long and looked like I hadn’t combed it in a week. My high cheek bones

comma

which usually were one of my better features

comma

now made my face look like a skull. White skin now draped over my cranium. Also I must have lost weight,

semicolon

never an athletic man but never overweight I did

had done?

OK.
Now I appeared like one of them starving children Sally Struthers parades around on TV for other people’s pity and pennies a day. Except I was just over 6 feet tall, Caucasian and no flies stuck in my eye balls. Not that I was worried about impressing anyone but to know I could look like this was almost as bad as the condition itself I thought.

“****” I mumbled out loud. All of a sudden my knees went weak. My head still thumped at the pace of a drummer I couldn’t hear but felt none the less. Suddenly I felt I had to sit down

comma

when both legs gave out. Falling to my knees, both palms landed flat on the perfectly clean

comma

opaque tile. My head hung low.

Apparently I still hadn’t recovered fully from whatever chemicals were still in my system as well as what felt like an apparent

"felt like" and "apparent" is overkill

week without food. A familiar sting and a little red mark on my left wrist told me I had had an I.V. recently. *must have been feeding us intravenously* my internal friend stated.
I tried to slow down my breathing and get back on my feet but I couldn’t stand. Felt like a really fat person was on my shoulders expecting a ride. I tried to calm myself and sat on the floor with my legs out stretched

outstretched?

in front of me.
“What the hell is happening?” I asked myself. *Still I don’t know.* repeated the voice in my head. *and you won’t let me tell you what I do know….
*Shut up!*
I shot back mentally. “I will not take advice from a ******* voice!” *but I….*:

quotation marks

But nothing

quotation marks

I interrupted,

quotation marks

leave me the hell alone”

quotation marks

From behind the mirror

comma

just as Charles had suspected

comma

two people watched him

. chapter 2 continued---

I know, worse than a school teacher. I (personally, this might well not be the general opinion) found your searching for words to replace "said" or "internalised" in the greater percentage of cases) distracting rather than useful, and there were a couple of places where the dialogue word order was a bit strange; but I'm not going to try and teach your characters to speak.

[spike.stampede]

Thanks Chris for the time you took to go through this for me.
A grammar/punctuation pedant is just what i was looking for on this speaking out loud one moment and internal conversations the next. I will post a revised version soon.

[dreir]

Hi Spike. Non-grammar/punctuation comments follow..

Originally Posted by spike.stampede

*Can’t you feel their eyes?* It questioned back. “Yes and I repeat leave me alone my head is killing me” under my breath I stated back.

Wrong way around. In any case, you used 'back' just now so shouldn't have another 'back' here.

*And you think that’s my fault?* Snickered the voice that seemed to come from no where. *You don’t remember at all do ya?* the specter questioned. *But I remember, I remember it all.*

The bit in red not needed here and just interrupts the flow. Also, spectre is wrong. A spectre is something like an apparition that you can see. An ethereal/disembodied voice is not a spectre.

*What the hell happened then?* I asked. *You were gassed last night and brought here* *you been sold my friend, they wish to use you.* the voice stated.

Remember to indicate the shift in speaker with a new paragraph. In this case 'You were gassed..' should be on a new paragraph. And since the next sentence is also spoken by the voice there shouldn't be a break between 'here' and 'you'. The red bit can go, too. The revelation by the voice (of the hero being sold) would have more effect without a flat 'the voice stated' following it.

*Sold?* *Use me?* again I mentally questioned the voice. *Yes my boy* it answered back.*for what and who they are I do not know yet* it told me. *I can’t hear outside of this room we are in.*

Again red bit not needed. Basically one form of 'he said' should be sufficient within a single speaker's set of lines. If you can get away without any, that's even better. Also, try to avoid too many 'stated' and 'answered' and instead go for words that illustrate the speaker's emotion or tone of voice (like 'snickered', earlier). E.g. "Yes, my boy," it assured me.

I walked over to the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot and sunken in with black circles surrounding the dark brown orbs. “God I look like a junkie” I spoke out loud. “What the **** is going on?” I asked myself (Again, not needed). (New para here)*I don’t know exactly,* the voice returned (Again, returned is flat and doesn't contribute to the dialogue. Try 'admitted'), *all I know is what I’ve heard so far*.

“What you have heard?” I inquired again (or 'I asked incredulously', perhaps? Again, if you need to put speech tags in, go for more illustrative words. However, if the incredulity is obvious to the reader in the dialogue itself, then there's no need for them at all) shaking my head trying to sort through the after effects of whatever drug I was recovering from.(New para)*Yes, what I hear. You think I’m just in your mind, that you made me up.*It stated. *Yes I am in your mind but you didn’t create me and Charles you are not crazy*(New para)“Yeah whatever, you’re a voice in my head that no one else can hear. My track record so far doesn’t make me poster boy for sanity and for god's sake I’m arguing with you, a stinking voice in my head” I laughed out loud and in my mind.(New para)*Ok you might not be the tightest ball of twine man but I'm real and I'm still here if you’re asleep or out cold* It told me (Not needed). *We have been though this before Charles.* * (No break) You know things without learning them and I’ve told you more that have been proved to be right” How can you dispute that?* * (No break) You have a gift and I’m trying to help you use it*Stated the voice (Not needed). (New para)“And what is that gift now?” I sarcastically questioned my invisible companion (Show the sarcasm instead, e.g. "And what is that gift now?" I snorted). (New para)*Me.* it answered.

Revision time. New paragraph for each shift in speaker. No quotation breaks between sentences spoken by the same speaker. Minimise speech tags - they work best when they're not there (that's why 'he said's are so effective, because people usually don't even see them). If you do insert them, go for illustrative ones like the ones describing accompanying actions. Ok I will skip on similar issues over the rest of the text from now on.

I must have been re-dressed because now I was dressed in ('Dress' too close together. Actually, scrap the whole sentence and change to 'I was now dressed in' or 'I now had on') white scrub bottoms and a dark Grey t-shirt.

“****” I mumbled out loud. All of a sudden my knees went weak. My head still thumped at the pace of a drummer I couldn’t hear but felt none the less. Suddenly I felt I had to sit down when both legs gave out. Falling to my knees, both palms landed flat on the perfectly clean opaque tile. My head hung low.

The 2nd to 4th sentences need re-arranging and improvement. The don't lead logically to each other.

“What the hell is happening?” I asked myself. *Still I don’t know.* repeated the voice in my head. *and you won’t let me tell you what I do know….
*Shut up!*
I shot back mentally. “I will not take advice from a ******* voice!” *but I….*: But nothing I interrupted, leave me the hell alone”

A lot of mismatching quotes here but I think you already knew that.

One other thing; the conversation between the hero and the voice doesn't feel as natural as it can be (well, ok, it is unnatural, but you know what I mean ). Overall, there is quite a mixture of the good and the not-so-good here. Keep working on your writing and you will surely improve with time .

- Dreir -

[ctg]

Maybe I should add an advice. Multiple voices can confuse the character, therefore, you should always try to separate them with a narrative or an action. When you're doing characters thoughts, you're doing a first person monologue, where the narrative remains in third person. However, if your character is having a internal dialogue, like for example an angel sitting on one shoulder, you have to make that voice sound like an another person. From my personal experience, I can say that it's a very tricky thing to do.

[Alcatraz]

Originally Posted by ctg

Maybe I should add an advice. Multiple voices can confuse the character, therefore, you should always try to separate them with a narrative or an action. When you're doing characters thoughts, you're doing a first person monologue, where the narrative remains in third person. However, if your character is having a internal dialogue, like for example an angel sitting on one shoulder, you have to make that voice sound like an another person. From my personal experience, I can say that it's a very tricky thing to do.

The way I tend to get around the whole voice in head scenario is to have the narrator in normal point and the 'voices' in italics, but treat the 'voices' like a different, independent character.

This is a common method which I have seen used by the likes of Simon Green in his Nightside novels, or Jim Butcher with the 'Dresden Files', both of which are written first person.

[dreir]

Yeah, I would go with italics, too, instead of those asterisks.

- Dreir -

[ctg]

Most of the people go with Italics, but I use the quotation marks. There is two reasons for that, one is telepathic conversations, and other is the voice of Chaos (only presented in the main protagonist head). But I do agree, these "voices" should be presented in other way then using asterisks.

[spike.stampede]

thanks guys for all the advise. it really does help and I may try italics and or quotation marks and see how it goes. side the note the other voice is actually a spectre.

[dreir]

Well even if it really is a spectre, you can't just go out and tell us like that because there is no indication that the character would know it

- Dreir -

[TheEndIsNigh]

I confess I have not read everything in the above critiques so my points may have been picked up by others however -

A couple of none formatting points

It seems to me the other voice is going to be a major character in the tale. Might it be worth giving it a personality or even a name as in -

'stuff you,' voice said...

rather than

'stuff you,' it said...

An on a slightly technical point the last time I had a headache of the monumental proportions you describe the last thing I did was shake it. quite the opposite you move very deliberately, you nurse it, you certainly don't shake it voluntarily.

also

My head still thumped at the pace of a drummer

Not sure what this means in relation to presumably the headache again.

'pounded like a drum' - maybe, although there's still nothing to relate to regarding relative volume or pain.

'felt like a blacksmiths anvil on plough making day'

Now we're getting some idea of a headache

Please ignore this if you think I'm talking rubbish, which I do frequently.