Short Prologue, Seven Heroes

[Damiynn]

Prologue:

The deep hollow sound of the mourning bells tolled over the city as the honor guard carrying the shrouded form through the palace doors. The Dragonmaster, Van Edom, lay atop for all to see as they walked across the silent hall.
He had died at the hands of the heroes out of the fivelands, killed here inside the Dragon Palace by their leader while the rest of his party lay dead about his feet.

Seven clerics of Urgass wearing blood red robes with elaborate black dragons stitched onto their backs followed behind, cowls low, concealing their faces in deep shadow.

The last person in the funeral procession was Torrac, the Dragon Highpriest. His large broad shoulders were slumped and his gravelly face was lowered, but his deep brown eyes were lit with a maniacal fervor. His robes were simple and unadorned and in his hand he carried an intricately carved dragon spear, its glittering dragon head stained red with blood.

Crowds of commoners and an assortment of Dragonriders filled the hall, all watching as the body passed through.

A large funeral pyre was set in place in the center of the throne room where Van Edom had ruled. It was there where they set the body.
The priests brought with them a young red dragon, about the size of a horse, still young enough that they could control it without their minds. Escorting the scarlet scaled dragon to the dais, they set it next to the dragonmaster’s body. Torrac offered up a prayer, then made the young dragon set Van Edom’s body aflame.

With a gust of breath, sheathes of flame washed over the Dragonmaster’s body, melting it onto the pyre, sending it back to the fires that had created it. Torrac then consecrated the ashes in hope that Van Edom’s soul would be reborn again, hopefully into the legend that their ancient prophecy foretold. The outworlder who would be able to control the dragons and lead them to victory.

[src_101]

The deep hollow sound of the mourning bells tolled over the city as the honor guard carrying

this should be carried

He had died at the hands of the heroes out of the fivelands, killed here inside the Dragon Palace by their leader while the rest of his party lay dead about his feet.

There is a pronoun confusion here. Whose feet are who dead, and who does the party belong to?

Seven clerics of Urgass wearing blood red robes with elaborate black dragons stitched onto their backs followed behind, cowls low, concealing their faces in deep shadow.

a comma after Urgass and after back

It was there where they set the body.

Nothing wrong with the sentence grammatically, but it does not seem to belong to the passage. Its too simple . maybe a semicolon before it, or something.

[pyan]

With a gust of breath, sheathes of flame washed over the Dragonmaster’s body, melting it onto the pyre, sending it back to the fires that had created it.

It's either a sheath of flame, or sheets of flame.

Torrac then consecrated the ashes in hope that Van Edom’s soul would be reborn again, hopefully into the legend that their ancient prophecy foretold.

This whole sentence sounds odd to me. You've suddenly gone from vivid description to a newspaper report of the event, if you see what I mean, passing over a vital part of the plot in a few words.

Works as a prologue for me, though - sets up the premise of the story without giving away too much, and giving me a clear idea of the dragon/human interaction. Keep it up.

(And hope everything goes OK for you in Iraq - as Ace said, keep your head down, when you can!)

[gary compton]

Originally Posted by pyan

And hope everything goes OK for you in Iraq - as Ace said, keep your head down, when you can!

Yeah mate, good luck and Gods speed, will hear from you soon

[Damiynn]

damn posted to the wrong place, lol made corrections

[shadowbox]

Crowds of commoners and an assortment of Dragonriders filled the hall, all watching as the body passed through.

A large funeral pyre was set in place in the center of the throne room where Van Edom had ruled. It was there where they set the body.
The priests brought with them a young red dragon, about the size of a horse, still young enough that they could control it without their minds. Escorting the scarlet scaled dragon to the dais, they set it next to the dragonmaster’s body. Torrac offered up a prayer, then made (bayed might be a better word.)the young dragon(to) set Van Edom’s body aflame.

With a gust of breath, sheathes of flame washed over the Dragonmaster’s body, melting it onto the pyre, sending it back to the fires that had created it. Torrac then(no need for then) consecrated the ashes in hope that Van Edom’s soul would be reborn again, hopefully(no need, already used the word HOPE) into the legend that their ancient prophecy foretold. The outworlder who would be able to control the dragons and lead them to victory