Demon - Prologue Draft 3

[gary compton]

Hi everybody, my original critique by Malloriel, CTG, Pyan, Chris, and many others was lost in the crash.

I've tried to take on board the comments, so here's draft 3

PROLOGUE

Tunquelen Cottage 5th April 1953

From his position halfway up the AndeanMountain, Alpha-One looked out through the cypress trees. The soft beams of the half-moon reflected off the nearby lake’s shimmering surface and drifted softly through the trees that towered above him. Like proud soldiers of the forest, the legions of pines stood guard as three secret service agents hid in their shadows. Alpha-One heard some rustling in the woods, his eyes flitted around nervously as he picked up his machine gun, which lay next to him.

Alpha-Three caught his gaze and thumbed the all clear.

Alpha-One acknowledged and mouthed an order.

‘It’s nearly time,’ he said quietly

Alpha-Three nodded.

From under a camouflage net Alpha-One looked through his binoculars, their position was unexpectedly illuminated by a silvering moonlight that fell through the forests canopy and covered them in a patchwork of multicoloured light. The ground was damp and he was feeling uncomfortable as he surveyed the lightened window which stood out from the ghostly white background of the cottage.

The target remonstrated with one of his men.

Alpha-One watched. There was only one guard, but he knew from their surveillance there should be five, that worried him.

He looked at his watch, it was five minutes to four and as dawn approached, a subtle wavering light started to spread across the sky. It was deathly quiet, and with the mountains casting a dark shadow across the cottage, it was time for them to move.

‘Are you in position Alpha-Two?’ he whispered into his radio as a knot of apprehension twisted his stomach.

The seconds ticked by… the radio crackled intermittently as he waited.
No reply came...

He asked again, his voice agitated.

‘Can you confirm your position Alpha-Two?’

Biting his lip, he could feel his heartbeat racing as he waited.

The radio crackled again.

His eyes widened with expectation.

‘Affirmative,’ came the reply. ‘I’m in position and the package is ready for delivery.’

A wry grin developed on his face as he stared at Alpha-Three.

‘It’s good to hear from you Alpha-Two,’ he whispered. ‘I have eyeball on only one guard, can you confirm the whereabouts of the others?’

The radio crackled. ‘Affirmative, they are playing cards in the kitchen at the rear of the building.’

Putting down the radio Alpha-One looked at Alpha Three who stood in his camouflaged army combat clothing, black boots laced up to his shins and mud smudged across his face. Alpha-One watched as his emotionally charged eyes stared back expectantly.

He nodded the order to attack.

Alpha-Three grabbed his machine gun which hung from his shoulder and followed Alpha-One. The two agents moved quickly down the twists and turns of the leaf covered track. Alpha-One checked on the grenades clipped to his belt, his hand trembling slightly as he touched them. He looked over his shoulder, Alpha-Three followed closely behind him. As the cottage loomed larger in the distance, the cool morning breeze chilled his face, his heart pounded as the adrenalin pumped through his body.

An owl hooted, toowit toowoo reverberated around the forest.

Startled by the sound they stopped and scanned the forest for the enemy again.

Alpha-One looked at Alpha-Three, the way was clear!

Moving again, they got closer to the cottage and a possible attack. Alpha-One was breathless as he sucked in a mouthful of air, turning slowly, he made eye contact with Alpha-Three. He pointed to the farmhouse, the agent thumbed a reply.

Alpha-One walked carefully up the steps toward front door. At the entrance, he stopped and looked at his watch.

Fifteen seconds to go.

He flashed his fingers three times to Alpha-Three, warning him off the time left before the explosion.

Three - Two - One, he counted in his head and as they dropped to their knees for cover, there was a huge explosion. With perfect timing, Alpha Two’s bomb detonated at the back of the farmhouse. Shouts and screams bellowed out of the windows as smoke and splinters of glass rained down on the two agents. Alpha-One held his arms over his head to protect himself. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a guard burst out of the front door firing his gun sporadically. Alpha-One stood up, simultaneously reaching for his weapon and with a short burst of his machine gun, he shot him. The guard fell to the ground. Alpha-One moved in and stood over him. The guards eyes were empty and still, and blood spurted from his wounds. A large pool of claret spread around him.

He signalled entry to Alpha-Three who stepped over the guard’s body, bursting through the door with urgent intent. Alpha-One followed; he immediately recognised his prey The target stood with his hands in the air, looking terrified and shaking. Alpha-One stared at him, pushing his gun into his face. Grimacing at the agents, he was covered in debris and rivulets of sweat streamed down his dusty face, he blinked nervously.
There was an eerie quiet as they stared at each other.

This was a sweet moment for Alpha-One, the culmination of years of hard work.

The target stood helplessly at the behest of the agents, all his protectors were dead.

Alpha-One looked at Alpha-Three.

‘Watch him.’ Alpha-One snarled; taking the barrel of his gun from the targets face.
‘I’ll check the rest of the building.’
The target became animated with fear and screamed; his frightened eyes moved from agent to agent as they took his arms.

Moving slowly Alpha-One snaked down the hallway, pushing open the doors and checking the rooms.
He burst into the kitchen, weapon at shoulder, pointing to the left – All clear.
Moving his eyes to the right, nothing but silence and death – Stand down.

He surveyed the scene, the remains of the four guards lay on the floor. There was blood and body parts scattered all over the room. Alpha-One checked the bodies – they were all dead. He closed the kitchen door, poor bastards. Down the hallway he surveyed the last room; bursting through the door with his rifle at his shoulder, his adrenalin was fuelling the tension. He’d been trained to expect the unexpected but he didn’t anticipate what awaited him. He was quite shocked as he pointed his weapon at a small boy, about seven years’ old, blonde hair and blue eyes. His terrified face stared back as Alpha-One prepared to shoot him. He took aim at the boy who stared at him helplessly; thoughts about his own sons entered his head and threw the boy a lifeline – he couldn’t do it.

He dropped the rifle to his side and forced a smile at the boy whose eyes filled up with tears.
Alpha-One knew who he was but he left him and carefully retraced his steps, closing the bedroom door behind him.
He’s an innocent, no more victims he told himself.

‘The cottage is secure,’ he said walking back to the hallway.
Alpha-One nodded toward the target. Alpha-Three and Alpha-Two, who had now arrived, dragged him toward the door. He struggled by twisting and kicking the agents, Alpha-One hit the target in the abdomen with the butt, he screamed as he curled over in agony.

’Leave me alone,’ he groaned. ‘You will pay for this treachery with your lives.’ he said, his face shaking with venom.
Alpha-One’s eyes showed him total contempt.

‘I don’t think so.’ he said sarcastically. ‘You’re bodyguards have been wiped out, no one can protect you now – you’re finished.’

The target started to struggle with the agents. ‘No…never!’ he screamed as they manhandled him out of the house. Outside a gentle breeze refreshed Alpha-One’s face, he noticed the wildlife had gone quiet, probably the after effect of the explosion. Alpha-One again scanned the forest; he couldn’t afford any mistakes this late in the mission.

The sound of the van approaching interrupted the silence, its tyres crunching the stones and earth as it came down the dirt track. With its lights off, it came out of the trees and into view; Alpha-Four and Five jumped out and joined the other agents. They lifted the target through the side door.

‘Bind him,’ Alpha-One ordered.

Holding him down they taped his mouth shut; muffled groans raged from behind the tape. Alpha-One drilled him a look and then smiled at his colleagues. The target, frightened by his stare followed Alpha-One with his eyes as he went to pick up a small leather bag from the van. He took out a hypodermic needle, the targets eyes widened like saucers as he struggled to break free again.

[gary compton]

somehow this last bit did'nt post...here it is

Four agents held him down; he was terrified. Alpha-One pulled up his shirt sleeve, tapping on his vein, he injected him. The target stared at him with hateful eyes; but an empty look quickly flooded them and a reluctant sigh fell from his lips as he passed out.

The agents dragged him toward the back of the van; Alpha-One closed the side door as one of the others started the engine. Looking round at his men, he could sense their relief as they made their way out of the forest.

White plumes of cold air snaked from the agent’s mouths as his men hung on his gaze waiting for him to speak.

Smiling, the mud on his face accentuated his teeth.

‘Well done lads, well f****** done. We got the bastard.’

As feelings of excitement enhanced their moods they were quickly replaced by trepidation as Alpha-One worried about the next stage of the mission.

The dawn chorus accompanied the sound of the van driving up the track as the morning light began to fill the sky. Alpha-One looked at the limp body of the target, would his capture bring to an end one of the most terrible chapters in history – he hoped it would.

[Damiynn]

PROLOGUE

Tunquelen Cottage 5th April 1953

From his position halfway up the AndeanMountain, Alpha-One looked out through the cypress trees. The soft beams of the half-moon reflected off the nearby lake’s shimmering surface and drifted softly through the trees that towered above him. Like proud soldiers of the forest, the legions of pines stood guard as three secret service agents hid in their shadows.

(Alpha-One heard some rustling in the woods, his eyes flitted around nervously as he picked up his machine gun, which lay next to him.) this sentence bothered me a little, Alpha one heard rustling in the woods. His eyes flittered around nervously as he picked up the maching gun laying next to him. (this might work a little better, less telling and more showing)

Alpha-Three caught his gaze and thumbed the all clear.

Alpha-One acknowledged and mouthed an order.(maybe just mouthed, we will know its an order by your next line)

‘It’s nearly time,(.)’ (he said quietly) this could be left out

Alpha-Three nodded.

From under a camouflage net Alpha-One looked through his binoculars, their position was unexpectedly illuminated by (a) this should be *the* unless you are going to use sliver of moonlight. Correct the tense. silvering moonlight that fell through the forests canopy and covered them in a patchwork of multicoloured light. The ground was damp and he was feeling uncomfortable as he surveyed the lightened window (try- standing out fromwhich stood out) from the ghostly white background of the cottage.

The target remonstrated with one of his men.

Alpha-One watched. There was only one guard, but he knew from their surveillance there should be five, that worried him.

He looked at his watch,(.) start new sentence. it was five minutes to four and as dawn approached, a subtle wavering light started to spread across the sky.

(this whole sentence is sort of clumsy and should be rewrittenIt was deathly quiet, and with the mountains casting a dark shadow across the cottage, it was time for them to move.)

‘Are you in position Alpha-Two?’ he whispered into his radio as a knot of apprehension twisted his stomach. (really good, shows and doesn't tell)

The seconds ticked by… the radio crackled intermittently (as he waited.) it doesn't need this, try saying it without it and you will see what I mean.
No reply came... (ex- The seconds ticked by... the radio crackled intermittently.
No reply came.)

He asked again, his voice agitated.

‘Can you confirm your position Alpha-Two?’

Biting his lip, he could feel his heartbeat racing as he waited.

The radio crackled again.

His eyes widened with expectation.

‘Affirmative,’ came the reply. ‘I’m in position and the package is ready for delivery.’

A wry grin developed on his face as he stared at Alpha-Three.

‘It’s good to hear from you Alpha-Two,’ he whispered. ‘I have eyeball on only one guard, can you confirm the whereabouts of the others?’

The radio crackled. ‘Affirmative, they are playing cards in the kitchen at the rear of the building.’

Putting down the radio Alpha-One looked at Alpha Three who stood in his camouflaged army combat clothing, black boots laced up to his shins and mud smudged across his face. Alpha-One watched as his emotionally charged eyes stared back expectantly.

He nodded the order to attack.

Alpha-Three grabbed his machine gun (which hung from his shoulder) hanging from his shoulder, shows not tells and followed Alpha-One. The two agents moved quickly down the twists and turns of the leaf covered track. Alpha-One checked on the grenades clipped to his belt, his hand trembling slightly (as he touched them.)by the beginning part of this sentence we know he is touching them, this part can stay or go, it is your preference but say it without and check.

He looked over his shoulder, Alpha-Three followed closely behind (him. ) again could stay or go its crisper without it but that is preference
As the cottage loomed larger in the distance, the cool morning breeze chilled his face, his heart pounded as the adrenalin pumped through his body. (excellent)

An owl hooted, toowit toowoo reverberated around the forest.

Startled by the sound they stopped and scanned (the forest) this should be removed, we already know where they are for the enemy again.

Alpha-One looked at Alpha-Three, the way was clear!

Moving again, they got closer to the cottage and a possible attack.
(Alpha-One was breathless as he sucked in a mouthful of air, turning slowly, he made eye contact with Alpha-Three. )A little awkward, maybe- Alpha-One was breathless. Sucking in a mouthful of air, he turned slowly and his eyes made contact with Alpha-Three ?? maybe but its your preference again

(He pointed) showing, Pointing to the farmhouse, the agent thumbed a reply.

Alpha-One walked carefully up the steps toward front door. At the entrance, he stopped (,and looked)looking at his watch.

Fifteen seconds to go.

He flashed his fingers three times to Alpha-Three, warning him off the time left before the explosion.

Three - Two - One, he counted in his head and as they dropped to their knees for cover, there was a huge explosion. With perfect timing, Alpha Two’s bomb detonated at the back of the farmhouse. Shouts and screams bellowed out of the windows as smoke and splinters of glass rained down on the two agents. Alpha-One held his arms over his head to protect himself. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a guard burst out of the front door firing his gun sporadically. Alpha-One stood up, simultaneously reaching for his weapon (and) remove and start new sentence With with a short burst of his machine gun, he shot him. The guard fell to the ground. Alpha-One moved in and stood over him. (The guards eyes were empty and still, and blood spurted from his wounds. A large pool of claret spread around him. ) too much telling, show using what I have said above

He signalled entry to Alpha-Three who stepped over the guard’s body, bursting through the door with urgent intent. Alpha-One followed; he immediately recognised his prey The target stood with his hands in the air, looking terrified and shaking. Alpha-One stared at him, pushing his gun into his face. Grimacing at the agents, he was covered in debris and rivulets of sweat streamed down his dusty face, he blinked nervously.
There was an eerie quiet as they stared at each other.

This was a sweet moment for Alpha-One, the culmination of years of hard work.

The target stood helplessly at the behest of the agents, all his protectors were dead.

Alpha-One looked at Alpha-Three.

‘Watch him.’ Alpha-One snarled; taking the barrel of his gun from the (target's face.
‘I’ll check the rest of the building.’
The target became animated with fear and screamed; his frightened eyes (movedmoving) from agent to agent as they took his arms.

(Moving)DON'T NEED, you are showing it by the next words. start here. Slowlyslowly Alpha-One snaked down the hallway, pushing open the doors and checking the rooms.
He burst into the kitchen, weapon at shoulder, pointing to the left – All clear.
Moving his eyes to the right, nothing but silence and death – Stand down.

He surveyed the scene, the remains of the four guards lay on the floor. There was blood and body parts scattered all over the room. Alpha-One checked the bodies – they were all dead. He closed the kitchen door, poor bastards. Down the hallway he surveyed the last room; bursting through the door with his rifle at his shoulder, his adrenalin was fuelling the tension. He’d been trained to expect the unexpected but he didn’t anticipate what awaited him. He was quite shocked as he pointed his weapon at a small boy, about seven years’ old, blonde hair and blue eyes. His terrified face stared back as Alpha-One prepared to shoot him. He took aim at the boy who stared at him helplessly; thoughts about his own sons entered his head and (he) threw the boy a lifeline – he couldn’t do it.

He dropped the rifle to his side and forced a smile at the boy whose eyes filled up with tears.
Alpha-One knew who he was but he left him and carefully retraced his steps, closing the bedroom door behind him.
He’s an innocent, no more victims he told himself.

‘The cottage is secure,’ he said walking back to the hallway.
Alpha-One nodded toward the target. Alpha-Three and Alpha-Two, who had now arrived, dragged him toward the door. He struggled (by)remove and just put a comma twisting and kicking the agents(.), Alpha-One hit the target in the abdomen with the butt, he screamed as he curled over in agony.

’Leave me alone,’ he groaned. ‘You will pay for this treachery with your lives.’ he said, his face shaking with venom.
Alpha-One’s eyes showed him total contempt.

‘I don’t think so.’ he said sarcastically. ‘(You’re) Your, not You are bodyguards have been wiped out, no one can protect you now – you’re finished.’

The target started to struggle with the agents. ‘No…never!’ he screamed as they manhandled him out of the house.(New Paragraph)
Outside a gentle breeze refreshed Alpha-One’s face, he noticed the wildlife had gone quiet, probably the after effect of the explosion. Alpha-One again scanned the forest; he couldn’t afford any mistakes this late in the mission.

The sound of the van approaching interrupted the silence, its tyres crunching the stones and earth as it came down the dirt track. With its lights off, it came out of the trees and into view; Alpha-Four and Five jumped out and joined the other agents. They lifted the target through the side door.

‘Bind him,’ Alpha-One ordered.

Holding him down they taped his mouth shut; muffled groans raged from behind the tape. Alpha-One drilled him a look and then smiled at his colleagues. The target, frightened by his stare followed Alpha-One with his eyes as he went to pick up a small leather bag from the van. He took out a hypodermic needle, the targets eyes widened like saucers as he struggled to break free again.

You can see from this where I think it needs help. Don't take what I say to seriously, its a matter of style and preference, but those are what my publisher busts me on all the time, Other than that, I liked it, it flowed well and kept my attention

[gary compton]

Thanks Damiynn,good advice. How does this sound

PROLOGUE

Tunquelen Cottage 5th April 1953

From his position halfway up the Andean Mountain, Alpha-One looked out through the cypress trees. The soft beams of the half-moon reflected off the nearby lake’s shimmering surface and drifted softly through the trees that towered above him. Like proud soldiers of the forest, the legions of pines stood guard as three secret service agents hid in their shadows. Alpha-One heard some rustling in the woods, his eyes flitted around nervously as he picked up the machine gun laying next to him.

Alpha-Three caught his gaze and thumbed the all clear.

Alpha-One acknowledged and mouthed.

‘It’s nearly time.’

Alpha-Three nodded.

From under a camouflage net Alpha-One looked through his binoculars, their position was unexpectedly illuminated by the silvering moonlight that fell through the forests canopy and covered them in a patchwork of multicoloured light. The ground was damp and he was feeling uncomfortable as he surveyed the lightened window standing out from the ghostly white background of the cottage.

The target remonstrated with one of his men.

Alpha-One watched. There was only one guard, but he knew from their surveillance there should be five, that worried him.

Looking at his watch. It was five minutes to four and as dawn approached, a subtle wavering light started to spread across the sky. It was time for them to move before the emerging light stifled their advantage of surprise.

‘Are you in position Alpha-Two?’ he whispered into his radio as a knot of apprehension twisted his stomach.

The seconds ticked by… the radio crackled intermittently.

No reply came...

He asked again, his voice agitated.

‘Can you confirm your position Alpha-Two?’

Biting his lip, he could feel his heartbeat racing as he waited.
The radio crackled again.

His eyes widened with expectation.

‘Affirmative,’ came the reply. ‘I’m in position and the package is ready for delivery.’

A wry grin developed on his face, he stared at Alpha-Three.

‘It’s good to hear from you Alpha-Two,’ he whispered. ‘I have eyeball on only one guard, can you confirm the whereabouts of the others?’

The radio crackled. ‘Affirmative, they are playing cards in the kitchen at the rear of the building.’

Putting down the radio Alpha-One looked at Alpha Three who stood in his camouflaged army combat clothing, black boots laced up to his shins and mud smudged across his face. Alpha-Three’s emotionally charged eyes stared back expectantly.

He nodded the order to attack.

Alpha-Three grabbed his machine gun which hung from his shoulder and followed Alpha-One. The two agents moved quickly down the twists and turns of the leaf covered track. Alpha-One checked on the grenades clipped to his belt, his hand trembling slightly. He looked over his shoulder, Alpha-Three followed closely behind.

As the cottage loomed larger in the distance, the cool morning breeze chilled his face, his heart pounded as the adrenalin pumped through his body.
An owl hooted, toowit toowoo reverberated around the forest.
Startled by the sound they stopped and scanned for the enemy again.

Alpha-One looked at Alpha-Three, the way was clear!

Moving again, they got closer to the cottage. Alpha-One worried about the threat of a possible attack, it made him breathless. Sucking in a mouthful of air, he turned slowly and caught Alpha-Three’s gaze.

Pointing to the farmhouse, the agent thumbed a reply.

Alpha-One tip-toed up the steps, towards the front door. At the entrance, he stopped, looking at his watch.

Fifteen seconds to go.

Flashing his fingers three times to Alpha-Three, warned him off the time left before the explosion.

Three - Two - One, he counted in his head and as they dropped to their knees for cover, there was a huge explosion. With perfect timing, Alpha Two’s bomb detonated at the back of the farmhouse. Shouts and screams bellowed out of the windows as smoke and splinters of glass rained down on the two agents. Alpha-One held his arms over his head to protect himself.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a guard burst out of the front door firing his gun sporadically. Alpha-One stood up, simultaneously reaching for his weapon. With a short burst of his machine gun, he shot him. The guard fell to the ground. Alpha-One moved in and stood over him. Looking into his eyes, they were empty and still. He noticed it was quieter now and all he could hear was blood spurting from the guard’s wounds causing a large pool of claret to spread around him.

Signalling entry, Alpha-One stepped over the guard’s body, bursting through the door with urgent intent. Alpha-Three followed. The target stood with his hands in the air, looking terrified and shaking. Alpha-One immediately recognised his prey, staring at him he pushed his gun into his face. Grimacing at the agents, the target was covered in debris and rivulets of sweat streamed down his dusty face, he blinked nervously.

There was an eerie quiet as they stared at each other.

This was a sweet moment for Alpha-One, the culmination of years of hard work.
The target stood helplessly at the behest of the agents, all his protectors were dead.

Alpha-One looked at Alpha-Three.

‘Watch him.’ Alpha-One snarled; taking the barrel of his gun from the targets face.

‘I’ll check the rest of the building.’

The target became animated with fear and screamed; his frightened eyes moved from agent to agent as they took his arms.

Slowly slowly Alpha-One snaked down the hallway, pushing open the doors and checking the rooms.

He burst into the kitchen, machine gun at shoulder, pointing to the left – All clear.

Moving his weapon and eyes to the right, nothing but silence and death – Stand down.

Surveying the scene, the remains of the four guards lay on the floor. There was blood and body parts scattered all over the room. Alpha-One checked the bodies – they were all dead. He closed the kitchen door, poor bastards.

Down the hallway he surveyed the last room; bursting through the door with his rifle at his shoulder, his adrenalin was fuelling the tension. He’d been trained to expect the unexpected but he didn’t anticipate what awaited him. He was quite shocked as he pointed his weapon at a small boy, about seven years’ old, blonde hair and blue eyes. His terrified face stared back as Alpha-One prepared to shoot him. He took aim at the boy who stared at him helplessly; thoughts about his own sons entered his head and he threw the boy a lifeline – he couldn’t do it.

He dropped the rifle to his side and forced a smile at the boy whose eyes filled up with tears.

Alpha-One knew who he was but he left him and carefully retraced his steps, closing the bedroom door behind him.

He’s an innocent, no more victims he told himself.

‘The cottage is secure,’ he said walking back to the hallway.

Alpha-One nodded toward the target. Alpha-Three and Alpha-Two, who had now arrived, dragged him toward the door. He struggled, twisting and kicking the agents, Alpha-One hit the target in the abdomen with the butt, he screamed as he curled over in agony.

’Leave me alone,’ he groaned. ‘You will pay for this treachery with your lives.’ his face shaking with venom.

Alpha-One’s eyes showed him total contempt.

‘I don’t think so.’ he said sarcastically. ‘Your bodyguards have been wiped out, no one can protect you now – you’re finished.’

The target started to struggle with the agents. ‘No…never!’ he screamed as they manhandled him out of the house.

Outside a gentle breeze refreshed Alpha-One’s face, he noticed the wildlife had gone quiet, probably the after effects of the explosion. Alpha-One again scanned the forest; he couldn’t afford any mistakes this late in the mission.

The sound of the van approaching interrupted the silence, its tyres crunching the stones and earth as it came down the dirt track. With its lights off, it came out of the trees and into view; Alpha-Four and Five jumped out and joined the other agents. They lifted the target through the side door.

‘Bind him,’ Alpha-One ordered.

Holding him down they taped his mouth shut; muffled groans raged from behind the tape. Alpha-One drilled him an angry look, turning his head, he smiled at his men. The target, frightened by his stare followed Alpha-One with his eyes as he went to pick up a small leather bag from the van. He took out a hypodermic needle, the targets eyes widened like saucers as he struggled to break free again.

Four agents held him down; he was terrified. Alpha-One pulled up his shirt sleeve, tapping on his vein, he injected him. The target stared at him with hateful eyes; but an empty look quickly flooded them and a reluctant sigh fell from his lips as he passed out.

The agents dragged him toward the back of the van; Alpha-One closed the side door as one of the others started the engine. Looking round at his men, he sensed their relief as they made their way out of the forest.

Looking around the van, white plumes of cold air snaked from the agent’s mouths. His men hung on his gaze waiting for him to speak. Smiling, the mud on his face accentuated his teeth.
‘Well done lads, well F****** done. We got the bastard.’
As feelings of excitement enhanced his mood they were quickly replaced by trepidation as Alpha-One worried about the next stage of the mission.
The dawn chorus accompanied the sound of the van driving up the track as the morning light began to fill the sky. Alpha-One looked at the limp body of the target, would his capture bring to an end one of the most terrible chapters in history – he hoped it would.

[ctg]

Originally Posted by gary compton

PROLOGUE

Tunquelen Cottage 5th April 1953

From his position halfway up the Andean Mountain, Alpha-One looked out through the cypress trees. The soft beams of the half-moon reflected off the nearby lake’s shimmering surface and drifted softly through the trees that towered above him. Like proud soldiers of the forest, the legions of pines stood guard as three secret service agents hid in their shadows. Alpha-One heard some rustling in the woods, his eyes flitted around nervously as he picked up the machine gun laying next to him.

It's almost a perfect image. Think about these sentences and how you could say them so that you speed up the action. Watch the sentence length. When you move into intense action. Try to make your sentences punch like Mike Hammer. Focus on what the reader needs to know. They can for example imagine that the gun - SMG or a sniper rifle fit better for his role, while the others carry assault and support weapons - is next to him.

Alpha-Three caught his gaze and thumbed the all clear.

Alpha-One acknowledged and mouthed.

‘It’s nearly time.’

Alpha-Three nodded.

Would highly trained agents mouth when they can use hand signals? The commando troops from that time line knew how to signal efficiently and these people might have gone through that school.

Another point. When Alpha-Three walks out from the shadows, give us the description of what he's wearing and carrying. In here, the reader can imagine that they all are wearing the same thing.

From under a camouflage net Alpha-One looked through his binoculars, their position was unexpectedly illuminated by the silvering moonlight that fell through the forests canopy and covered them in a patchwork of multicoloured light. The ground was damp and he was feeling uncomfortable as he surveyed the lightened window standing out from the ghostly white background of the cottage.

This is another good example of world building mixed with an action, but I think you got the watching bit in wrong place. If you need to give an description, then give a description, but if he's looking trough his binoculars, then give us the description of what he's looking, not the place where he is sitting.

The target remonstrated with one of his men.

Alpha-One watched. There was only one guard, but he knew from their surveillance there should be five, that worried him.

I have a problem with remonstrated, as I don't understand what the word means without looking from the dictionary. If there's a perfect 'daily' word to replace it, then use that instead.

The second paragraph would read better if you would fit it close in his head. Like for example,

There's only one guard, so where's the other four, Alpha-One thought. The unknown factors worried him.

Looking at his watch. It was five minutes to four and as dawn approached, a subtle wavering light started to spread across the sky. It was time for them to move before the emerging light stifled their advantage of surprise.

‘Are you in position Alpha-Two?’ he whispered into his radio as a knot of apprehension twisted his stomach.

Try to focus your sentencing to come from his POV. Like for example,

He checked his watch. It was five minutes to four. The dawn was approaching, as a subtle wavering light spread across the horizon. It was now or never for them to make their move.

The seconds ticked by… the radio crackled intermittently.

No reply came...

He asked again, his voice agitated.

‘Can you confirm your position Alpha-Two?’

Biting his lip, he could feel his heartbeat racing as he waited.
The radio crackled again.

His eyes widened with expectation.

‘Affirmative,’ came the reply. ‘I’m in position and the package is ready for delivery.’

Good.

A wry grin developed on his face, he stared at Alpha-Three.

‘It’s good to hear from you Alpha-Two,’ he whispered. ‘I have eyeball on only one guard, can you confirm the whereabouts of the others?’

The radio crackled. ‘Affirmative, they are playing cards in the kitchen at the rear of the building.’

Putting down the radio Alpha-One looked at Alpha Three who stood in his camouflaged army combat clothing, black boots laced up to his shins and mud smudged across his face. Alpha-Three’s emotionally charged eyes stared back expectantly.

He nodded the order to attack.

A bit rough, but good. The only point comes with the use of mud. The soldiers in second world war already use grease based paints to cover their white faces. These agents would know how to use them if they have attended the commando school.

Alpha-Three grabbed his machine gun which hung from his shoulder and followed Alpha-One. The two agents moved quickly down the twists and turns of the leaf covered track. Alpha-One checked on the grenades clipped to his belt, his hand trembling slightly. He looked over his shoulder, Alpha-Three followed closely behind.

Remove the first red bit. The second red highlight is the jarring moment. You move from narrative to close perspective. Keep in one and move careful in next paragraph to character perspective. However, if you remove the second highlight, then you have very close perspective on the men.

As the cottage loomed larger in the distance, the cool morning breeze chilled his face, his heart pounded as the adrenalin pumped through his body.
An owl hooted, toowit toowoo reverberated around the forest.
Startled by the sound they stopped and scanned for the enemy again.

Why the Owl is there? The sentence breaks the action and feel somewhat wrong.

Alpha-One looked at Alpha-Three, the way was clear!

Moving again, they got closer to the cottage. Alpha-One worried about the threat of a possible attack, it made him breathless. Sucking in a mouthful of air, he turned slowly and caught Alpha-Three’s gaze.

Pointing to the farmhouse, the agent thumbed a reply.

Alpha-One tip-toed up the steps, towards the front door. At the entrance, he stopped, looking at his watch.

In first highlight, use signalled. It reads better.

The second highlight. We don't know the farmhouse has steps, as you don't have given the description before. Use sneaked in place of the highlight.

Fifteen seconds to go.

Flashing his fingers three times to Alpha-Three, warned him off the time left before the explosion.

Three - Two - One, he counted in his head and as they dropped to their knees for cover, there was a huge explosion. With perfect timing, Alpha Two’s bomb detonated at the back of the farmhouse. Shouts and screams bellowed out of the windows as smoke and splinters of glass rained down on the two agents. Alpha-One held his arms over his head to protect himself.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a guard burst out of the front door firing his gun sporadically. Alpha-One stood up, simultaneously reaching for his weapon. With a short burst of his machine gun, he shot him. The guard fell to the ground. Alpha-One moved in and stood over him. Looking into his eyes, they were empty and still. He noticed it was quieter now and all he could hear was blood spurting from the guard’s wounds causing a large pool of claret to spread around him.

Signalling entry, Alpha-One stepped over the guard’s body, bursting through the door with urgent intent. Alpha-Three followed. The target stood with his hands in the air, looking terrified and shaking. Alpha-One immediately recognised his prey, staring at him he pushed his gun into his face. Grimacing at the agents, the target was covered in debris and rivulets of sweat streamed down his dusty face, he blinked nervously.

Remove the highlights and it should read better. Give us an description what the target looks like, please

There was an eerie quiet as they stared at each other.

This was a sweet moment for Alpha-One, the culmination of years of hard work.
The target stood helplessly at the behest of the agents, all his protectors were dead.

This was a sweet moment for Alpha-One. The culmination of year of hard work. The target stood helplessly at the behest of the agents.

Alpha-One looked at Alpha-Three.

‘Watch him.’ Alpha-One snarled; taking the barrel of his gun from the targets face.

‘I’ll check the rest of the building.’

'I'll clear the building'

The target became animated with fear and screamed; his frightened eyes moved from agent to agent as they took his arms.

Slowly slowly Alpha-One snaked down the hallway, pushing open the doors and checking the rooms.

He burst into the kitchen, machine gun at shoulder, pointing to the left – All clear.

Moving his weapon and eyes to the right, nothing but silence and death – Stand down.

Surveying the scene, the remains of the four guards lay on the floor. There was blood and body parts scattered all over the room. Alpha-One checked the bodies – they were all dead. He closed the kitchen door, poor bastards.

Good but rough. Removed the highlight, please.

Down the hallway he surveyed the last room; bursting through the door with his rifle at his shoulder, his adrenalin was fuelling the tension. He’d been trained to expect the unexpected but he didn’t anticipate what awaited him. He was quite shocked as he pointed his weapon at a small boy, about seven years’ old, blonde hair and blue eyes. His terrified face stared back as Alpha-One prepared to shoot him. He took aim at the boy who stared at him helplessly; thoughts about his own sons entered his head and he threw the boy a lifeline – he couldn’t do it.

He dropped the rifle to his side and forced a smile at the boy whose eyes filled up with tears.

Alpha-One knew who he was but he left him and carefully retraced his steps, closing the bedroom door behind him.

He’s an innocent, no more victims he told himself.

‘The cottage is secure,’ he said walking back to the hallway.

Alpha-One nodded toward the target. Alpha-Three and Alpha-Two, who had now arrived, dragged him toward the door. He struggled, twisting and kicking the agents, Alpha-One hit the target in the abdomen with the butt, he screamed as he curled over in agony.

How about?
... He tried to fight against them. Alpha-One took a quick step next to him. He kicked the target, making him scream in agony

’Leave me alone,’ he groaned. ‘You will pay for this treachery with your lives.’ his face shaking with venom.

Alpha-One’s eyes showed him total contempt.

‘I don’t think so.’ he said sarcastically. ‘Your bodyguards have been wiped out, no one can protect you now – you’re finished.’

Remove the highlighted sentence, please.

'I don't think so,' he said. 'Your men are gone. No one can protect you. You're finished.'

The target started to struggle with the agents. ‘No…never!’ he screamed as they manhandled him out of the house.

Outside a gentle breeze refreshed Alpha-One’s face, he noticed the wildlife had gone quiet, probably the after effects of the explosion. Alpha-One again scanned the forest; he couldn’t afford any mistakes this late in the mission.

The sound of the van approaching interrupted the silence, its tyres crunching the stones and earth as it came down the dirt track. With its lights off, it came out of the trees and into view; Alpha-Four and Five jumped out and joined the other agents. They lifted the target through the side door.

‘Bind him,’ Alpha-One ordered.

Holding him down they taped his mouth shut; muffled groans raged from behind the tape. Alpha-One drilled him an angry look, turning his head, he smiled at his men. The target, frightened by his stare followed Alpha-One with his eyes as he went to pick up a small leather bag from the van. He took out a hypodermic needle, the targets eyes widened like saucers as he struggled to break free again.

Four agents held him down; he was terrified. Alpha-One pulled up his shirt sleeve, tapping on his vein, he injected him. The target stared at him with hateful eyes; but an empty look quickly flooded them and a reluctant sigh fell from his lips as he passed out.

The agents dragged him toward the back of the van; Alpha-One closed the side door as one of the others started the engine. Looking round at his men, he sensed their relief as they made their way out of the forest.

Looking around the van, white plumes of cold air snaked from the agent’s mouths. His men hung on his gaze waiting for him to speak. Smiling, the mud on his face accentuated his teeth.

‘Well done lads, well F****** done. We got the bastard.’

Good, but needs to be smoother. Remove the highlight, please.

'Well done lads. We got the bastard.'

As feelings of excitement enhanced his mood they were quickly replaced by trepidation as Alpha-One worried about the next stage of the mission.

The dawn chorus accompanied the sound of the van driving up the track as the morning light began to fill the sky. Alpha-One looked at the limp body of the target, would his capture bring to an end one of the most terrible chapters in history – he hoped it would.

Good.

[gary compton]

Okay Guys, heres my refined version. Does it read more pacey?

Anything wrong with it? Your opinions are always appreciated.

I cant give a description at this stage CTG. It would give the game away

PROLOGUE

Tunquelen Cottage 5th April 1953

From his position halfway up the AndeanMountain, Alpha-One looked out through the cypress trees. The soft beams of the half-moon reflected off the nearby lake’s shimmering surface and drifted softly through the trees that towered above him. Like proud soldiers of the forest, the legions of pines stood guard as three secret service agents hid in their shadows.

Alpha-One heard some rustling. Picking up his machine gun, his eyes flitted around nervously.
Alpha-Three returned his gaze and signalled the all clear.

Acknowledging with his eyes, he mouthed quietly.

‘It’s nearly time.’

Alpha-Three nodded.

Staring through his binoculars, the lightened window stood out from the ghostly white background of the cottage. Alpha-One studied the target arguing with one of his men.

There was only one guard though, so where’s the other four, that worried him.

Checking his watch, it was five minutes to four.

Raising his eyes to the heavens, a subtle wavering light was spreading across the sky. The dawn approached and he knew it was time for them to move, grabbing the radio.

‘Are you in position Alpha-Two?’ he whispered, as a knot of apprehension twisted his stomach.

The seconds ticked by… the radio crackled intermittently.

No reply came...

Asking again, his voice was agitated.

‘Can you confirm your position Alpha-Two?’

Biting his lip, his heartbeat raced. Had he been taken out?

The radio crackled again, his eyes widened with expectation.

‘Affirmative,’ came the reply. ‘I’m in position and the package is ready for delivery.’

Smiling wryly, he looked at Alpha-Three.

‘It’s good to hear from you Alpha-Two,’ he said quietly. ‘I have eyeball on only one guard. Can you confirm the whereabouts of the others?’
The radio crackled. ‘Affirmative, they are playing cards in the kitchen at the rear of the building.’

Placing the radio on its receiver Alpha-One looked at Alpha Three. He was camouflaged in army combat clothing, black boots laced up to his shins and grease paint smudged across his face. His emotionally charged eyes stared back expectantly.

Alpha-One nodded the order to attack.

Grabbing his machine gun, Alpha-Three followed him. The two agents moved quickly down the twists and turns of the leaf covered track. Checking on the grenades clipped to his belt, Alpha-One looked over his shoulder. Alpha-Three followed closely behind him.

The cottage loomed larger in the distance, and the cool morning breeze chilled Alpha-One’s face as they ran. His heart pounded with the adrenalin pumping through his body.

There was a noise…an owl hooting.

Toowit toowoo reverberated around the forest.

Startled, they stopped and scanned for the enemy.

Alpha-One looked at Alpha-Three, the way was clear!

He nodded sideways.

Moving again, they neared the cottage, Alpha-One was breathless. Would their advances be thwarted? Sucking in a mouthful of air, he turned slowly and caught Alpha-Three’s steely gaze.

Pointing to the farmhouse, the agent signalled a reply.

Alpha-One moved toward the front door.
Stopping at the entrance he looked at his watch.
Fifteen seconds to go.
Flashing his fingers three times to Alpha-Three, warned him off the time left before the explosion.
Three - Two - One, they dropped to their knees for cover, there was a huge explosion.

With perfect timing, Alpha Two’s bomb detonated at the back of the farmhouse. Shouts and screams bellowed out of the windows as smoke and splinters of glass rained down on the two agents. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a guard burst out of the front door firing his gun sporadically. Alpha-One stood up, simultaneously reaching for his weapon. With a short burst of his machine gun, he shot him.

The guard fell to the ground.

Alpha-One moved in and stood over him.

Looking into his eyes, they were empty and still. Blood spurted from the guard’s wounds. A large pool of claret spread around him like a cloak of death.

Pointing, he signalled entry.

Stepping over the guard’s body, Alpha-One burst through the door with urgent intent. Alpha-Three followed.

The target stood with his hands in the air, terrified and shaking.

Alpha-One immediately recognised his prey.

Staring at him, he was covered in debris and rivulets of sweat streamed down his dusty face. He blinked nervously.

Alpha-One pushed his gun into his face.

There was an eerie quiet as they stared at each other.
This was a sweet moment for Alpha-One, the culmination of years of hard work.
The target stood helplessly at the behest of the agents.

Alpha-One looked at Alpha-Three sternly.

‘Watch him,’ he snarled; taking the barrel of his gun from the targets face.

‘I’ll check the rest of the building.’

The target screamed; his frightened eyes moved from agent to agent as they took his arms.

Slowly slowly Alpha-One snaked down the hallway, pushing open the doors and checking the rooms.

He burst into the kitchen, machine gun at shoulder, pointing to the left – All clear.
Moving his weapon and eyes to the right – Stand down, the room is secure.
Surveying the scene, the remains of the four guards lay on the floor. There was blood and body parts scattered all over.
.
He closed the kitchen door, poor bastards. He thought.

Down the hallway he surveyed the last room; bursting through the door with his rifle at his shoulder, his adrenalin was fuelling the tension. Expecting the unexpected, he didn’t anticipate what awaited him. He pointed his weapon at a small boy, about seven years’ old, blonde hair and blue eyes. His terrified face stared back as Alpha-One prepared to shoot him. Taking aim at the boy, he looked so innocent. Alpha-One tried to pull the trigger, but he couldn’t. With a chilling smile the boy’s eyes turned too a putrid red. Alpha-One tried to resist his controlling stare but was compelled to his will. Overcome with thoughts about his own sons, he withdrew – he couldn’t kill him. He fired his weapon at the ceiling, then dropped it to his side. His face shook.
Was he seeing things? He knew his duty but couldn’t carry it out.

Alpha-One left, carefully retraced his steps.

Closing the bedroom door behind him; an unsettling shiver ran down his spine. He’s spawned from the Devil and should have died. He knew that for sure.

‘The cottage is secure,’ he said walking back to the hallway.

Alpha-One nodded toward the target. Alpha-Three and Alpha-Two, who had now arrived, dragged him toward the door. He struggled, twisting and kicking the agents. Alpha-One hit the target in the abdomen with the butt of his gun, he screamed as he curled over in agony.

’Leave me alone,’ he groaned. ‘You will pay for this treachery with your lives.’

Alpha-One’s eyes showed total contempt. ‘I don’t think so.’ he said sarcastically.

‘Your bodyguards have been wiped out, no one can protect you now – you’re finished.’

Struggling with the agents. ‘No…never!’ he screamed as they manhandled him out of the house.

Outside a gentle breeze refreshed Alpha-One’s face, the wildlife had gone quiet. Probably the after effects of the explosion. Alpha-One again scanned the forest; he couldn’t afford any mistakes this late in the mission. The sound of the van approaching interrupted the silence, its tyres crunching the stones and earth as it came down the dirt track. With its lights off, it came out of the trees and into view; Alpha-Four and Five jumped out and joined the other agents. They lifted the target through the side door.

‘Bind him,’ Alpha-One ordered.

Holding him down they taped his mouth shut; muffled groans raged from behind the tape. Alpha-One drilled him an angry look.

Turning his head, he smiled at his men. The target, frightened by his stare followed Alpha-One with his eyes as he went to pick up a small leather bag from the van. Taking out a hypodermic needle, the targets eyes widened like saucers and he struggled to break free.

Four agents held him down; he looked terrified. Alpha-One pulled up his shirt sleeve, tapping on his vein, he injected him. The target stared at him with hateful eyes; but quickly an empty glaze flooded them. A reluctant sigh fell from his lips as he passed out.

Dragging him toward the back of the van; Alpha-One closed the side door as one of the others started the engine.
Looking round at his men, their relief showed as they made their way out of the forest. White plumes of cold air snaked from their mouths.

‘Well done lads. We got the bastard,’ he said

Alpha-One worried about the next stage of the mission as he stared at his agents. Feelings of excitement were quickly replaced by trepidation. Would they get out of there in one piece?

Making their way up the track, the morning light began to fill the sky. The dawn chorus signalled the beginning of the new day as Alpha-One stared at the limp body of the target. Would his capture bring to an end one of the most terrible chapters in history – he hoped it would but only time would tell.

[ctg]

I had a couple of jarring points, but I think someone better with the grammar can short them out for you. In the style wise, I think you could go do smoother prose, but as it stands at the moment, it's much better. JJ is probably going say the same.

[gary compton]

Originally Posted by ctg

In the style wise, I think you could go do smoother prose

Thnks CTG, can you enlarge on your comment above, is there an example you can give me?

I appreciate your help.

[TheEndIsNigh]

his rifle at his shoulder, his adrenalin was fuelling the tension.

too many his'


rifle at his shoulder, adrenalin fuelling the tension -

it's not going to be somebody else's adrenalin at this point.


Also I think there are too many Alphas. Couldn't you make do with One ,Two, Three, after the initial introductions. As it is it's like having a character called Joe Smith and always referring to him as Joe Smith.

As in :-


"More tea Joe Smith?"

"Yes please," replied Joe Smith.

"Would you like milk in that Joe Smith?" -


if that makes sense.

posted with the usual caveats

[gary compton]

Originally Posted by TheEndIsNigh

his rifle at his shoulder, his adrenalin was fuelling the tension.


too many his'

How does this sound TEiN

Bursting through the door, rifle at shoulder, his adrenalin fuelled the tension.

Also I here what you're saying about the Alpha's but I'm not sure One, Two and Three will work as well.

Theres a reason I dont want Alpha-Ones identity revealed but I could refer to the other agents by name I suppose

Thanks for you're input, its always helpful.

[TheEndIsNigh]

I'd go for

'rifle at the ready'

As for just the numbers, I think it works quite well.


In a close combat situation where there is only one team you don't need to distinguish between Alpha three and Red four. These guys presumably know each other and the shorter the name the less chance of being overheard.

'Alpha two have you reached the wall by the garden shed?' just doesn't happen it's more likely to be

"Alpha-Two?"

"In position One."

"Three?"

"Two minutes One"

....

etc.

OK more specific details maybe for your piece but I I think it gets across the covert nature of what they are about and to me seems more like what might go on. It's not as though these fellows have just gone out for a stroll in the woods. They set out to do something and presumably a bit of planing and who does what would be expected even if only inferred. Though I have no idea of what happens in real life.

[ctg]

In real life the covert team would have been four strong: two snipers, a sergeant and a combat engineer. The surveillance would have taken some time and the detail they needed. They would have striked in time when the house is least protected. Snipers covering sides, while the sergeant and combat engineer would have cleared the house.

If Alpha team is an elite commando team then these people have operated in complete radio-silence from beginning of the observation period to the beginning of the assault phase. They would have used coded language rather then clear speech - just to be that extra stealthy.

One thing I wouldn't have done this is the use of the explosive as they are problematic in case the 'target' accidently 'wanders' there. Snipers are more surgical and in the fifties and sixties they would had second World War veterans as an operators.

If I read this story correctly, there's going to be more detail about the alpha-team. Identity of the target, which I believe to son of Hitler or Göring or something. I also bet that there's going to be ghouls, ghosts, undead SS soldiers etc. etc.

[TheEndIsNigh]

ctg: Interesting and I see the sense in what you say. I might have suspected as much.

However radio silence makes for difficult dialogue for Gary.

I suppose it could be done by switching characters to allow them to narrate their own situation as in


Alpha-One looked over to the shed. Two should be there by now. What the hell was he playing at?

Two ducked down by the garden shed. He knew One should be by the side window by now and would be looking for some kind of sign he was in position....

Tricky stuff though.

I think a little speech could be forgiven for the sake of the plot.

I haven't thought about the who and the why. Hitlers son seems a bit tame and why the secrecy in regards to Alpha-One. Now if we are talking demons how about Satan's son with Alpha one as Gabriel or St. Peter. Though in that case Angel-One may be better

[ctg]

Why Satan's sons, why not some grand demon to give a little bit more depth to the hell and its hierarchy? The Devil itself could play a role in a quick POV switches during the course of the book. A little bit of omniscient third person narration. Evil these days can be a sexy subject and drawing in the characters plus readers.

[TheEndIsNigh]

Well, I'm thinking maybe a bit of blackmail.

We want a 100,000 clean souls or your son gets sent to heaven.

or
The next time you see him he'll be wearing wings and playing a harp

Maybe a religious sect or enterprising corporation that will sell them on the open market.

Maybe the catholic church selling real indulgences or something of the kind.