Demon - Prologue Draft 3

[ctg]

Certainly not the heaven! What are you talking about? The old fallen one wouldn't want those souls to be send in heaven, for god's sake! He wants them downstairs...

[TheEndIsNigh]

"It's like this Nick. Either we get the souls or the kid gets the Red Bull treatment"

[gary compton]

While I've been out fitting a kitchen you guys have been having fun trying to guess my plot

I haven’t had a chance to absorb you're comments but I'll give you a snippet.

I spent 2 years investigating the spirit world or the afterlife if you want to call it that.The main thing I found out was actions in this life create reactions in the next.

For example, all of the most heinous crimes of WW11 created a spiritual energy called an Elemental. This evil energy grows and grows every time someone is tortured or murdered in its name.

It then influences weak minded people to carry on its debauchery and over time it gets stronger and stronger. Its influences quickly spread across the both sides of the veil.

When you hear murderers saying they heard voices it would be an Elemental spirit. Like attracts like, spiritually.

The Elemental has a head of serpents; each serpent is a hideous caricature of its creators, Hitler, Goering, Himmler etc etc.

The Elemental is a main character in my book and its a great character as it can read minds so the reader can know its thoughts and others at the same time.

I have some ides on your comments CTG and TEiN and I'll post them soon

[gary compton]

Okay Chaps and Chappets.

TEiN, I've taken out lot of Alpha's, hope it reads better.

CTG, in the circumstnces of this mission and the importance of capturing the target alive. Alpha-One decided on a grenade, giving him time to get too him. Hopefully the shock of the explosion would give him the time needed.

I've also taken out alot of words to make this smoother and I've added more of Alpha-One's thoughts - in italics.

Can it be improved?
Any jarring moments?

PROLOGUE

Tunquelen Cottage 5th April 1953

From his position halfway up the AndeanMountain, Alpha-One looked out through the cypress trees. The soft beams of the half-moon reflected off the nearby lake’s shimmering surface and drifted softly through the trees that towered above him. Like proud soldiers of the forest, the legions of pines stood guard as three secret service agents hid in their shadows.

Alpha-One heard some rustling. Picking up his machine gun, his eyes flitted around nervously.

Alpha-Three caught his gaze, signalling the all clear.
Alpha-One mouthed.
‘It’s nearly time.’
The agent nodded a reply.

Staring through his binoculars, the lightened window stood out from the ghostly white background of the cottage. Alpha-One studied the target, who was arguing with one of his men. There was only one guard though, so where’s the other four, that worried him.

Checking his watch, it was five minutes to four.
A subtle wavering light spread across the sky, the dawn approached and he knew it was time for them to move.

Grabbing the radio.

‘Are you in position Alpha-Two?’ he whispered, a knot of apprehension twisted his stomach.

The seconds ticked by… the radio crackled intermittently.

No reply came... A problem at this stage of the operation would be disastrous.

Asking again, his voice was agitated.

‘Can you confirm your position?’

Sucking on his teeth, heartbeat racing. Had Alpha-Two got too close? He wondered He’d decided to use explosives instead of a sniper as the attack had to be quick. Alpha-One didn’t want the target biting on a cyanide vial before he could get to him. Where the hell was his agent?

His eyes widened, the radio crackled again

‘Affirmative,’ came the reply. ‘I’m in position and the package is ready for delivery.’

Smiling wryly. The mission was back on track.

‘It’s good to hear from you Alpha-Two,’ he said quietly. ‘I have eyeball on only one guard. Can you confirm the whereabouts of the others?’

The radio crackled. ‘Affirmative, they are playing cards in the kitchen at the rear of the building.’

Putting the radio on its receiver Alpha-One eyed Alpha Three. He was camouflaged in army combat clothing, black boots laced up to his shins and grease paint smudged across his face. His emotionally charged eyes stared back expectantly.

Alpha-One nodded the order to attack.

Grabbing his machine gun. They moved quickly down the twists and turns of the leafy track. Checking on the grenades clipped to his belt, Alpha-One looked over his shoulder. Alpha-Three followed closely behind him.

Skilfully avoiding the fallen trees and forest debris, the cottage loomed larger in the distance. Alpha-One was nervous, that was normal. He knew that, but would they spook the guards protecting the target. Stopping instinctively, he scanned for any movement. The forest was still, he wasn’t expecting an attack, but he had to be sure.

Breathing heavily, Alpha-One moved his binoculars around the woods. Expecting the worst, his heart pounded. His colleague looked at him waiting for an order. I can’t afford to make a mistake on this mission; it would be too costly. He focussed on the cottage.

Suddenly a noise frightened him…an owl hooting. What the F**K was that.

Toowit toowoo reverberated around the forest.

Startled, he stopped, dropping to his knees.

Both agents rifles scanned the forest for the enemy.

Exchanging glances again, they both smiled. The way was clear!

Alpha-One nodded sideways.

Moving again, they glided over the rough terrain, getting closer to the cottage. Stopping behind a couple of trees, Alpha-One gathered his breath. Would an attack come? He knew the guards had become careless. The target had been free for too long, today that would change. Sucking in a mouthful of air he turned slowly and caught Alpha-Three’s steely gaze.

Pointing to the farmhouse, the agent signalled a reply.

Both agents moved like spiders crawling toward the front door.

Stopping at the entrance Alpha-One looked at his watch.

Fifteen seconds to go.

Flashing his fingers three times to Alpha-Three, warned him off the time left before the explosion.

Three - Two - One, they dropped to their knees for cover, there was a huge explosion.

With perfect timing, Alpha Two’s bomb detonated at the back of the farmhouse. Shouts and screams bellowed out of the windows as smoke and splinters of glass rained down on the two agents. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a guard burst out of the front door firing his gun sporadically. Alpha-One stood up, simultaneously reaching for his weapon. With a short burst of his machine gun, he shot him.

The guard fell to the ground.

Moving in quickly, he stood over him. He could feel his heart beating as looked around anxiously.The guard’s eyes were empty and still, blood spurted from his wounds. A large cloak of claret spread around. He was dead; the target was now a priority before he took cyanide.

Pointing, he signalled entry.

Stepping over the guard’s body, he burst through the door with urgent intent. Alpha-Three followed.

The target stood with his hands in the air, frozen with fear.

Alpha-One immediately recognised his prey.

Staring at him, he was covered in debris and rivulets of sweat streamed down his dusty face.

He blinked nervously.

Pushing his gun into his face, there was an eerie quiet as they stared at each other.
This was a sweet moment for Alpha-One, the culmination of years of hard work.
Grabbing his arm he forced his hand into his pocket.
Pulling out a vial of cyanide.

‘I don’t think you’ll need this anymore,’ he said grinning.

The target curled his lip up aggressively, his eyes jumping around the room. Alpha-One knew he had him, he couldn’t escape.

The two agents exchanged glances.

‘Watch him,’ Alpha-One snarled; taking the barrel of his gun from his face.

‘I’ll check the rest of the building.’

The target screamed; his frightened eyes moved from agent to agent as they took his arms.

Slowly slowly Alpha-One snaked down the hallway, pushing open the doors and checking the rooms.

He burst into the kitchen, machine gun at shoulder, pointing to the left – All clear.
Moving his weapon and eyes to the right… Stand down, the room is secure.
Surveying the scene, the remains of the four guards lay on the floor. There was blood and body parts scattered all over. He moved slowly out of the room, closing the kitchen door, poor bastards. For a moment he felt some sympathy for them, but that quickly changed as his focus returned. Down the hallway he surveyed the last room.

Bursting through the door, rifle at shoulder, his adrenalin fuelled the tension. Expecting the unexpected, he didn’t anticipate what awaited him. He pointed his weapon at a small boy, about seven years’ old, blonde hair and blue eyes. His terrified face stared back as he prepared to shoot him. Taking aim at the boy, he tried to pull the trigger, but he couldn’t. What the F**K is happening to me?

With a chilling smile the boy’s eyes turned too a putrid red. Unable to resist his controlling stare, Alpha-One was compelled to his will, he withdrew.

He couldn’t kill him.

Firing his weapon into the ceiling, he dropped it to his side, his face shaking with fear.

Was he seeing things? He knew his duty but couldn’t carry it out.

Carefully retracing his steps, he closed the bedroom door behind and left.
An unsettling shiver ran down his spine.

He’s spawned from the Devil and should have died...

He knew that for sure.

‘The cottage is secure,’ he said walking back to the hallway.

Alpha-One nodded toward the target. Alpha-Three and Alpha-Two, who had now arrived, dragged him toward the door. He struggled, twisting and kicking the agents. Alpha-One hit the target in the abdomen with the butt of his gun, he screamed as he curled over in agony.

’Leave me alone,’ he groaned. ‘You will pay for this treachery with your lives.’

‘I don’t think so.’ he said sarcastically.

‘Your bodyguards have been wiped out, no one can protect you now – you’re finished.’

Struggling with the agents. ‘No…never!’ he screamed as they manhandled him out of the house.

Outside a gentle breeze refreshed Alpha-One’s face, the wildlife had gone quiet. Probably the after effects of the explosion. Scanning the forest again; he couldn’t afford any mistakes this late in the mission. The van approaching interrupted the silence, its tyres crunching the stones and earth as it came down the dirt track. With its lights off, it came into view. Alpha-Four and Five jumped out and joined the other agents. They lifted the target through the side door.

‘Bind him,’ Alpha-One ordered.

Holding him down they taped his mouth shut; muffled groans raged from behind the tape. He drilled him an angry look.

The target, frightened by his stare followed him with his eyes as he went to pick up a small leather bag from the van. Taking out a hypodermic needle, the targets eyes widened like saucers and he struggled to break free.

Four agents held him down; he looked terrified. Alpha-One pulled up his shirt sleeve, tapping on his vein, he injected him. The target stared at him with hateful eyes; but quickly an empty glaze flooded them. A reluctant sigh fell from his lips as he passed out.

Dragging him toward the back of the van; he closed the side door as one of the others started the engine. White plumes of cold air snaked from the agents mouths, their relief showed as they made their way out of the forest.

‘Well done lads. We got the bastard,’ Alpha-One said ebulliently.

Staring at his agents, the next stage of the mission was a worry. His excitement was quickly replaced by a feeling of trepidation. Would they get out of there in one piece? It wasn’t over.

Making their way up the track, the morning light began to fill the sky. The dawn chorus signalled the beginning of the new day. Alpha-One stared at the limp body of the target. Would his capture bring to an end one of the most terrible chapters in history – he hoped it would but only time would tell.

[ctg]

[quote=gary compton;1188841]Okay Chaps and Chappets.

PROLOGUE

Tunquelen Cottage 5th April 1953

From his position halfway up the AndeanMountain, Alpha-One looked out through the cypress trees. The soft beams of the half-moon reflected off the nearby lake’s shimmering surface and drifted softly through the trees that towered above him. Like proud soldiers of the forest, the legions of pines stood guard as three secret service agents hid in their shadows.

Alpha-One heard some rustling. Picking up his machine gun, his eyes flitted around nervously.

Alpha-Three caught his gaze, signalling the all clear.
Alpha-One mouthed.
‘It’s nearly time.’
The agent nodded a reply.

Staring through his binoculars, the lightened window stood out from the ghostly white background of the cottage. Alpha-One studied the target, who was arguing with one of his men. There was only one guard though, so where’s the other four, that worried him.

Checking his watch, it was five minutes to four.

The highlighted bits are jarring. How about?

Alpha One pointed his watch and then raised his thump up. Three grinned and jerked his head towards the farmhouse. They were up for rest of the mission.

Alpha One raised his binoculars and watched the wood-block farmhouse basking in the moonlight. Through the lenses he saw their target pointing his fingers and shouting to one his guards at front of the upstairs master bedroom window.

That's one guard, where's rest four of them?

He put down his binoculars and checked his watch. It was five minutes to four. They would have a few minutes to get down in their positions.

A subtle wavering light spread across the sky, the dawn approached and he knew it was time for them to move.

Grabbing the radio.

‘Are you in position Alpha-Two?’he whispered, a knot of apprehension twisted his stomach.

How about?

Alpha One grab his radio and pressed tangent twice. Radio squelched back once. 'Report...'

For a few moments two was silent. It felt almost eternity before radio crackled. 'Green tango lower one.' Alpha one mind translated that to a guard position in the ground floor kitchen window on side of the house. He raised his binoculars to confirm it while he buttoned the radio four times.

'Red Tango up two. Fondling.' Alpha four replied and then added. 'So typical..'

Alpha one smirked as he knew through their surveillance period, that one of the guards had taken liking of their target maid. It would be difficult shot, but it worked perfectly for them. He's going to be too busy when the deal goes down...

He lowered his goggles and raised his fist. Alpha One heard Three turning safety in his guns.

In the darkest moment of the hour of wolf, Alpha one lead Three down the mountain. As he arrived to the corn field, he crouched and used woods as an cover till he reached shadow of the barn house.

Alpha One raised his fist and pumped it three times. Then he sprung across the field and stopped next to the stone foundations to cover Three, while he followed Alpha One example.

Can you continue my example and rewrite in this style? You can find the hand signals from the army signals manual. Use google.

[TheEndIsNigh]

the lightened window stood

lit?



Alpha-One heard some rustling. Picking up his machine gun, his eyes flitted around nervously.
then later :-


Grabbing his machine gun. They moved ...

Putting the radio on its receiver

mike or microphone


His colleague looked at him

I think you could risk a Three here. It's, not that kind of relationship, three is subservient to One.

Suddenly a noise frightened him

Startled maybe or disturbed.

He's hardly likely to be the type to soil his trousers because of a little noise here or there anyway he's probably a commando guy.

also

...an owl hooting. What the F**K was that

Reaction first - calming explanation second.

Once you know what startled you, you don't suddenly let out with the expletives - in which case the next couple of sentences should be before the explanation too.

There a lot of drooping to his knees - could try a few crouching, crawling or just dropping downs or threw themselves to the ground for the grenade.

Alpha-Three, warned him off the time left before

of


blood spurted from his wounds - Not if he's really dead it didn't.

Grabbing his arm he forced his hand into his pocket.
Pulling out a vial of cyanide.

Who's arm who's pocket.

Alpha-Three and Alpha-Two, who had now arrived,

Wrong way round and they could hardly do any dragging if they hadn't arrived yet


The incident with the small boy is a bit strange. That he couldn't bring himself to shoot the lad is natural. It might be better to have him just manage to control his reactions to kill rather than the way you have it. I assume the boy plays a part later on otherwise either kill him off or leave him out or leave him alive because it's the right thing to do.

Cheers

Tein

[gary compton]

I've tried to take on board everybody's criticism

Am I getting anywhere with this, does it make you want to read more?

Tunquelen Cottage 5th April 1953

From his position halfway up the AndeanMountain, Alpha-One looked out through the cypress trees. The soft beams of the half-moon reflected off the nearby lake’s shimmering surface and drifted through the trees that towered above him. Like proud soldiers of the forest, the legions of pines stood guard as three secret service agents hid in their shadows.

Alpha-One’s eyes scanned the forest… hearing a noise he picked up his machine gun. His heart pounded inside his chest as he scanned for the enemy. Staring down the barrel of his rifle, his breathing was heavy…nervous of an attack.

Alpha-Three shadowing his every move, exchanged glances. A single nod gave the all clear.

Standing down, Alpha-One signalled their attack was imminent.

Three nodded a reply.

One checked his watch. This mission was the too important, he couldn’t afford any mistakes. They’d watched the target for several weeks now and they were now minutes away from success. Putting down his rifle, he stared through his binoculars. The window stood out from the ghostly white background of the cottage. One watched the target moving around the ground floor lounge area. His face was angry; he stabbed his finger aggressively at one of his men.

One noticed. There was only one guard, so where’s the other four? Dropping the binoculars from his eyes. Alpha-Two should have them covered at the back but he needed confirmation.

The darkness was disappearing as the dawn approached; a subtle wavering light was spreading across the sky. Checking his watch again, it was five minutes to four and time for them to move.
Picking up his radio.

‘Are you in position Alpha-Two?’ he whispered, a knot of apprehension twisted his stomach.

Seconds ticking by… the radio crackled intermittently.

No reply came... Alpha-One knew a problem at this stage of the operation would be disastrous. His brow tightened.
Asking again, his voice was agitated.

‘Can you confirm your position?’

Moistening the corners of his mouth with his tongue. Had Alpha-Two got too close? He worried about the operation. He’d decided to use explosives instead of a sniper. The attack had to be quick because One didn’t want the target biting on a cyanide vial before he could get to him. His impatience was running out as he waited.

Where the hell was his agent?

The radio crackled again, his eyes widened with suspense…

‘Affirmative,’ came the reply. ‘I’m in position and the package is ready for delivery.’

A slight grin developed on his face. The mission was back on track.

‘It’s good to hear from you Alpha-Two,’ he said quietly. ‘I have eyeball on only one guard. Can you confirm the whereabouts of the others?’

The radio crackled again. ‘Affirmative, they are playing cards in the kitchen at the rear of the building.’

Putting down the radio Alpha-One eyed Three. He was camouflaged in army combat clothing, black boots laced up to his shins and grease paint smudged across his face. His emotionally charged eyes stared back expectantly.

One nodded the order to attack.

Grabbing their machine guns, both agents moved quickly down the twists and turns of the leafy track. One checked on the grenades clipped to his belt, Three followed closely behind him. They moved quickly, avoiding the fallen trees and forest debris. One was on nervous as the outline of the cottage loomed larger in the distance.

That was normal. He knew that, but would they spook the guards protecting the target. Stopping instinctively, dropping to his knees. He scanned for any movement. The forest was still, all he could hear was his own breathlessness. He moved his binoculars around the woods, Three knelt beside him. Expecting the worst, his heart pounded. I can’t afford any mistakes on this mission; it would be too costly. Looking at his watch again, they only had a minute left.

Suddenly a noise distracted him…an owl hooting.

What the f**k was that. Toowit toowoo reverberated around the forest.
Startled, both agents’ rifles scanned the forest for the enemy. One smiled at his reaction – realising it was an owl.

Exchanging glances again. The way was clear!

One nodded his head sideways toward the cottage.

Moving again, they glided over the rough terrain, getting closer. Stopping behind a couple of trees, One gathered his breath. Would an attack come? He knew the guards had become careless through time, but the target had been free for too long. Today that had to change.

Sucking in a mouthful of air he turned slowly and caught Three’s steely gaze.

Pointing to the farmhouse, the agent signalled a reply.

Both agents, their legs moving like spiders, crawled toward the front door.

Stopping at the entrance One checked his watch.
Fifteen seconds to go.

Flashing his fingers three times to Alpha-Three, warned how long till the explosion.
Three - Two - One, they dropped to their knees for cover, there was a huge explosion.

With perfect timing, Two’s grenade detonated at the back of the farmhouse. Shouts and screams bellowed out of the windows as smoke and splinters of glass rained down on the two agents. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a guard burst out of the front door firing his gun sporadically. One stood up, simultaneously reaching for his weapon. With a short burst of his machine gun, he shot him.

The guard fell to the ground.

Moving in quickly, he stood over him. He could feel his heart beating as looked around anxiously.

The guard’s eyes were empty and still. A large cloak of claret spread around him. He was dead.

Pointing at the cottage, he signalled entry. The target was now a priority before he took cyanide - One knew he would have some.

Stepping over the guard’s body, he burst through the door with urgent intent. Three followed.

The target stood with his hands in the air, frozen with fear.

One immediately recognised his prey.

Staring at him, he was covered in debris and rivulets of sweat streamed down his dusty face. He blinked nervously.

One pushed his gun into his face, there was an eerie quiet as they stared at each other.
This was a sweet moment, the culmination of months of surveillance for Alpha-One.

Grabbing his arm, he forced his hand into the target’s pocket. Trying to resist, he twisted and pushed but the agent was too strong.
Pulling from it a vial of cyanide, One grinned.

‘I don’t think you’ll need this anymore,’ he said.

The target curled his lip up aggressively, his eyes jumping around the room. Alpha-One knew he had him, he couldn’t escape.

One and Three exchanged glances.

‘Watch him,’ he snarled; taking the barrel of his gun from his face.
‘I’ll check the rest of the building.’

The target screamed, kicking out. His frightened eyes moved from agent to agent as they took hold of his arms.

Slowly, slowly Alpha-One snaked down the hallway, pushing open the doors and checking the rooms.
He burst into the kitchen, machine gun at shoulder, pointing to the left – All clear.
Moving his weapon and eyes to the right… Stand down, the room is secure.
Surveying the scene, the remains of the four guards lay on the floor. There was blood and body parts scattered all over. He moved slowly out of the room, closing the kitchen door, poor bastards. For a moment he felt some sympathy for them, but that quickly changed as his focus returned. Down the hallway he surveyed the last room.

Bursting through the door, rifle at shoulder, his adrenalin fuelled the tension. Expecting the unexpected, he didn’t anticipate what awaited him. He pointed his weapon at a small boy, about seven years’ old, blonde hair and blue eyes. His terrified face stared back as he prepared to shoot him. Taking aim at the boy, he tried to pull the trigger, but he couldn’t. What the f**k is happening to me? He wondered, trying again to squeeze the trigger. His body was frozen with terror. With a chilling smile the boy’s face metamorphosed into a hideous demon, his eyes turning a putrid red. One tried to resist but his consciousness was sucked into his controlling stare. He couldn’t kill him. They had planned to leave no witnesses but there was a malevolent force in the room and it was controlling his actions. He could do nothing but obey!

Firing his weapon into the ceiling, his frightened face shook.
Was he imagining the boys look? He knew his duty but couldn’t carry it out.
Staring at him, his face was covered in sweat as he carefully retraced his steps.
Closing the bedroom door behind him, he left. An unsettling shiver ran down his spine.

He’s spawned from the Devil and should have died. He knew that for sure but he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t kill him.

‘The cottage is secure,’ he said walking back to the hallway. Knowing that was a lie.

Alpha-Two, had now arrived, One nodded toward the target.
Two and Three dragged him toward the door. He struggled, twisting and kicking the agents. One hit the target in the abdomen with the butt of his gun.
Screaming, he curled over in agony.

’Leave me alone,’ he groaned. ‘You will pay for this treachery with your lives.’
‘I don’t think so.’ One said sarcastically.

‘Your bodyguards have been wiped out, no one can protect you now – you’re finished.’
Struggling with the agents. ‘No…never!’ he screamed as they manhandled him out of the house.

Outside a gentle breeze refreshed One’s face, the wildlife had gone quiet. Probably the after effects of the explosion. Scanning the forest again; he couldn’t afford any mistakes this late in the mission. The van approaching interrupted the silence, its tyres crunching the stones and earth as it came down the dirt track. With its lights off, it came into view. Alpha-Four and Five jumped out and joined the other agents. They lifted the target through the side door.
‘Bind him,’ One ordered.

Holding him down they taped his mouth shut; muffled groans raged from behind the tape. One drilled him an angry look.

The target, frightened by his stare followed him with his eyes as he went to pick up a small leather bag from the van. Taking out a hypodermic needle, the targets eyes widened like saucers and he struggled to break free.

Four agents held him down; he looked terrified. One pulled up his shirt sleeve, tapping on his vein, he injected him. The target stared at him with hateful eyes; but quickly an empty glaze flooded them. A reluctant sigh fell from his lips and he passed out.

Dragging him toward the back of the van; One closed the side door as one of the others started the engine. White plumes of cold air snaked from the agent’s mouths, their relief showed as the van made its way out of the forest.
‘Well done lads. We got the bastard,’ One said ebulliently.

Staring at his agents, the next stage of the mission was a worry. His excitement was quickly replaced by a feeling of trepidation. Would they get out of there in one piece? It wasn’t over yet.

Making their way up the track, the dawn chorus signalled the beginning of the new day.

Alpha-One stared at the limp body of the target as the morning light filled the sky.
Would his capture bring to an end one of the most terrible chapters in history – he hoped it would but only time would tell.

[ctg]

3.5 out of 5 stars. You're getting there. Some of the sentences are telling, while others are showing. However, as I recently learned, some of this is down to your style and should be accepted. Therefore, I'm not going to show you what are jarring. Instead, I'm going to point out one reality mistake: If an agent would use grenades and not a satchel charge to do explosive work, then it would be called as an Improvised Explosive Device or an IED. You should use that term in place of the grenades.

[ctg]

As you requested, I'll do on the red colour the sentences which reads to me as telling. It's your job to either remove them or rewrite them.

From his position halfway up the AndeanMountain, Alpha-One looked out through the cypress trees. The soft beams of the half-moon reflected off the nearby lake’s shimmering surface and drifted through the trees that towered above him. Like proud soldiers of the forest, the legions of pines stood guard as three secret service agents hid in their shadows.

Alpha-One’s eyes scanned the forest… hearing a noise he picked up his machine gun. His heart pounded inside his chest as he scanned for the enemy. Staring down the barrel of his rifle, his breathing was heavy…nervous of an attack.

Alpha-Three shadowing his every move, exchanged glances. A single nod gave the all clear.

Standing down, Alpha-One signalled their attack was imminent.

Three nodded a reply.

One checked his watch. This mission was the too important, he couldn’t afford any mistakes. They’d watched the target for several weeks now and they were now minutes away from success.Putting down his rifle, he stared through his binoculars. The window stood out from the ghostly white background of the cottage. One watched the target moving around the ground floor lounge area. His face was angry; he stabbed his finger aggressively at one of his men.

One noticed. There was only one guard, so where’s the other four? Dropping the binoculars from his eyes. Alpha-Two should have them covered at the back but he needed confirmation.

The darkness was disappearing as the dawn approached; a subtle wavering light was spreading across the sky. Checking his watch again, it was five minutes to four and time for them to move.
Picking up his radio.

‘Are you in position Alpha-Two?’ he whispered, a knot of apprehension twisted his stomach.

Seconds ticking by… the radio crackled intermittently.

No reply came... Alpha-One knew a problem at this stage of the operation would be disastrous. His brow tightened.
Asking again, his voice was agitated.

‘Can you confirm your position?’

Moistening the corners of his mouth with his tongue. Had Alpha-Two got too close? He worried about the operation. He’d decided to use explosives instead of a sniper. The attack had to be quick because One didn’t want the target biting on a cyanide vial before he could get to him. His impatience was running out as he waited.

Where the hell was his agent?

The radio crackled again, his eyes widened with suspense…

‘Affirmative,’ came the reply. ‘I’m in position and the package is ready for delivery.’

A slight grin developed on his face. The mission was back on track.

‘It’s good to hear from you Alpha-Two,’ he said quietly. ‘I have eyeball on only one guard. Can you confirm the whereabouts of the others?’

The radio crackled again. ‘Affirmative, they are playing cards in the kitchen at the rear of the building.’

Putting down the radio Alpha-One eyed Three. He was camouflaged in army combat clothing, black boots laced up to his shins and grease paint smudged across his face. His emotionally charged eyes stared back expectantly.

One nodded the order to attack.

Grabbing their machine guns, both agents moved quickly down the twists and turns of the leafy track. One checked on the grenades clipped to his belt, Three followed closely behind him. They moved quickly, avoiding the fallen trees and forest debris. One was on nervous as the outline of the cottage loomed larger in the distance.

That was normal. He knew that, but would they spook the guards protecting the target. Stopping instinctively, dropping to his knees. He scanned for any movement. The forest was still, all he could hear was his own breathlessness. He moved his binoculars around the woods, Three knelt beside him. Expecting the worst, his heart pounded. I can’t afford any mistakes on this mission; it would be too costly. Looking at his watch again, they only had a minute left.

Suddenly a noise distracted him…an owl hooting.

What the f**k was that. Toowit toowoo reverberated around the forest.
Startled, both agents’ rifles scanned the forest for the enemy. One smiled at his reaction – realising it was an owl.

Exchanging glances again. The way was clear!

One nodded his head sideways toward the cottage.

Moving again, they glided over the rough terrain, getting closer. Stopping behind a couple of trees, One gathered his breath. Would an attack come? He knew the guards had become careless through time, but the target had been free for too long. Today that had to change.

Sucking in a mouthful of air he turned slowly and caught Three’s steely gaze.

Pointing to the farmhouse, the agent signalled a reply.

Both agents, their legs moving like spiders, crawled toward the front door.

Stopping at the entrance One checked his watch.
Fifteen seconds to go.

Flashing his fingers three times to Alpha-Three, warned how long till the explosion.
Three - Two - One, they dropped to their knees for cover, there was a huge explosion.

With perfect timing, Two’s grenade detonated at the back of the farmhouse. Shouts and screams bellowed out of the windows as smoke and splinters of glass rained down on the two agents. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a guard bursting out of the front door, firing his gun sporadically. One stood up, simultaneously reaching for his weapon. With a short burst of his machine gun, he shot him.

The guard fell to the ground.

Moving in quickly, he stood over him. He could feel his heart beating as looked around anxiously.

The guard’s eyes were empty and still. A large cloak of claret spread around him. He was dead.

Pointing at the cottage, he signalled entry. The target was now a priority before he took cyanide - One knew he would have some.

Stepping over the guard’s body, he burst through the door with urgent intent. Three followed.

The target stood with his hands in the air, frozen with fear.

One immediately recognised his prey.

Staring at him, he was covered in debris and rivulets of sweat streamed down his dusty face. He blinked nervously.

One pushed his gun into his face, there was an eerie quiet as they stared at each other.
This was a sweet moment, the culmination of months of surveillance for Alpha-One.

Grabbing his arm, he forced his hand into the target’s pocket. Trying to resist, he twisted and pushed but the agent was too strong.
Pulling from it a vial of cyanide, One grinned. Order of the words.

‘I don’t think you’ll need this anymore,’ he said.

The target curled his lip up aggressively, his eyes jumping around the room. Alpha-One knew he had him, he couldn’t escape.

One and Three exchanged glances.

‘Watch him,’ he snarled; taking the barrel of his gun from his face.
‘I’ll check the rest of the building.’

The target screamed, kicking out. His frightened eyes moved from agent to agent as they took hold of his arms.

Slowly, slowly Alpha-One snaked down the hallway, pushing open the doors and checking the rooms.
He burst into the kitchen, machine gun at shoulder, pointing to the left – All clear.
Moving his weapon and eyes to the right… Stand down, the room is secure.
Surveying the scene, the remains of the four guards lay on the floor. There was blood and body parts scattered all over. He moved slowly out of the room, closing the kitchen door behind him he thought, poor bastards. For a moment, he felt some sympathy for them, but that quickly changed as his focus returned. Down the hallway he surveyed the last room.

Bursting through the door, rifle at shoulder, his adrenalin fuelled the tension. Expecting the unexpected, he didn’t anticipate what awaited him. He pointed his weapon at a small boy, about seven years’ old, blonde hair and blue eyes. His terrified face stared back as he prepared to shoot him. Taking aim at the boy, he tried to pull the trigger, but he couldn’t. What the f**k is happening to me? He wondered, trying again to squeeze the trigger. His body was frozen with terror. With a chilling smile the boy’s face metamorphosed into a hideous demon, his eyes turning a putrid red. One tried to resist but his consciousness was sucked into his controlling stare. He couldn’t kill him. They had planned to leave no witnesses but there was a malevolent force in the room and it was controlling his actions. He could do nothing but obey!

Firing his weapon into the ceiling, his frightened face shook.
Was he imagining the boys look? He knew his duty but couldn’t carry it out.
Staring at him, his face was covered in sweat as he carefully retraced his steps.
Closing the bedroom door behind him, he left. An unsettling shiver ran down his spine.

He’s spawned from the Devil and should have died. He knew that for sure but he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t kill him.

‘The cottage is secure,’ One lied as he walked back into the hallway.

Alpha-Two, had now arrived, One nodded toward the target. Repetition. POV
Two and Three dragged him toward the door. He struggled, twisting and kicking the agents. One hit the target in the abdomen with the butt of his gun.
Screaming, he curled over in agony.

’Leave me alone,’ he groaned. ‘You will pay for this treachery with your lives.’
‘I don’t think so.’ One said sarcastically.

‘Your bodyguards have been wiped out, no one can protect you now – you’re finished.’
Struggling with the agents. ‘No…never!’ he screamed as they manhandled him out of the house.

Outside a gentle breeze refreshed One’s face, the wildlife had gone quiet. Probably the after effects of the explosion. Scanning the forest again; he couldn’t afford any mistakes this late in the mission. The van approaching interrupted the silence, its tyres crunching the stones and earth as it came down the dirt track. With its lights off, it came into view. Alpha-Four and Five jumped out and joined the other agents. They lifted the target through the side door.
‘Bind him,’ One ordered.

Holding him down they taped his mouth shut; muffled groans raged from behind the tape. One drilled him an angry look.

The target, frightened by his stare followed him with his eyes as he went to pick up a small leather bag from the van. Taking out a hypodermic needle, the targets eyes widened like saucers and he struggled to break free. POV

Four agents held him down; he looked terrified. One pulled up his shirt sleeve, tapping on his vein, he injected him. The target stared at him with hateful eyes; but quickly an empty glaze flooded them. A reluctant sigh fell from his lips and he passed out.

Dragging him toward the back of the van; One closed the side door as one of the others started the engine. White plumes of cold air snaked from the agent’s mouths, their relief showed as the van made its way out of the forest.
‘Well done lads. We got the bastard,’ One said ebulliently.

Staring at his agents, the next stage of the mission was a worry. His excitement was quickly replaced by a feeling of trepidation. Would they get out of there in one piece? It wasn’t over yet.

Making their way up the track, the dawn chorus signalled the beginning of the new day.

Alpha-One stared at the limp body of the target as the morning light filled the sky.
Would his capture bring to an end one of the most terrible chapters in history – he hoped it would but only time would tell.

[gary compton]

Thanks for the time you took to go through it CTG.

When JJ edited my book, I hadnt grasped the POV thing. He said that as I'm in a charcter's POV, the reader can only know what he's seeing, feeling, hearing or thinking. Anything else is telling.

I've tried to do that and thought I had but now I'm confused. The italics in my story are meant to be Alpha-One's thoughts, the rest are what he's seeing, hearing and feeling.

The more I know the less knowledge I have.

HELP!

[ctg]

Well, Gary, when you think, do you think in third person or in first person? Does that give you enough of hint. If you rewrite some of those thoughts, then you need to put them in that dialogue format. In other cases, would your mind be thinking in that way. Read them aloud and compare against your thoughts.

For example, Bob has been starving for a two weeks and he finds an packet of cookies from end of the cupboard. It should read this way,

Bob eyed blue and green packet of Digestives thinking, '******* hell, I'm saved!'

If you translate that to distant third person POV, it reads

Bob reached into the cupboard and pulled out a green and blue packet of Digestives. I'm saved, he thought as he ripped open the wrappings.

In first person it should read,

At the darkest corner of bottom cupboard I saw a glimmer of hope. A blue and green packet of Digestives. I kneeled on the floor, reached out thinking, 'I'm saved!'

[gary compton]

How does this sound?

PROLOGUE

Tunquelen Cottage 5th April 1953

From his position halfway up the Andean Mountain, Alpha-One looked out through the cypress trees. The soft beams of the half-moon reflected off the nearby lake’s shimmering surface and drifted through the trees that towered above him. Like proud soldiers of the forest, the legions of pines stood guard as three secret service agents hid in their shadows.

Alpha-One’s eyes scanned the forest… hearing a noise he picked up his machine gun. His heart pounded while scanning for the enemy. Staring down the barrel of his rifle, his breathing was heavy…nervous of an attack.

Alpha-Three shadowed his every move, exchanged glances. A single nod gave the all clear.

Alpha-One signalled their time to move was imminent.

Three nodded.

One checked his watch. This mission was the too important, I can’t afford any mistakes. Putting down his rifle, he stared through his binoculars. The window stood out from the ghostly white background of the cottage. One watched the target moving around the ground floor lounge area. His face was angry; stabbing his finger aggressively at one of his men. There’s only one guard, so where’s the other four? Dropping the binoculars. Alpha-Two should have them covered at the back but I need confirmation.

Looking around, the cover of darkness was disappearing as the dawn approached. Checking his watch again, it was five minutes to four and time for them to move.
Picking up his radio.

‘Are you in position Alpha-Two?’ he whispered, a knot of apprehension twisted his stomach.

Seconds ticking by… the radio crackled intermittently.

No reply came... A problem at this stage of the operation will be disastrous.

His brow tightened.

Asking again, his voice agitated.

‘Can you confirm your position?’

Moistening the corners of his mouth with his tongue. Has Alpha-Two got too close? He worried about the operation, his eyes flitting around. I’d decided to use explosives, I didn’t want the target biting on a cyanide vial before I could get to him. Impatiently he waited.

Where the hell is he?

The radio crackled again, his eyes widened with suspense…
‘Affirmative,’ came the reply. ‘I’m in position and the package is ready for delivery.’

A slight grin developed on his face. Thank God, the mission is back on track.
‘It’s good to hear from you Alpha-Two,’ he said quietly. ‘I have eyeball on only one guard. Can you confirm the whereabouts of the others?’
The radio crackled again. ‘Affirmative, they are playing cards in the kitchen at the rear of the building.’

Putting down the radio Alpha-One eyed Three. He was camouflaged in army combat clothing, black boots laced up to his shins and grease paint smudged across his face. His emotionally charged eyes stared back expectantly.
One nodded the order to attack.

Grabbing their machine guns, both agents moved quickly down the twists and turns of the leafy track. One checked on the grenades clipped to his belt, Three followed closely behind him. They moved quickly, avoiding the fallen trees and forest debris. Feeling nervous, the outline of the cottage loomed larger in the distance. We need to get there without spooking the guards.. Stopping instinctively, dropping to his knees. He scanned for any movement. The forest was still, all he could hear was his own breathlessness.He moved his binoculars around the woods, Three knelt beside him. Expecting the worst, he could feel his heart pounding. I can’t afford any mistakes on this mission; it would be too costly. Looking at his watch, they only had a minute left.

Suddenly a noise distracted him…an owl hooting.
What the f**k was that. Toowit toowoo reverberated around the forest.
Startled, both agents’ rifles scanned the forest for the enemy.

Exchanging glances again. The way is clear!

One nodded his head sideways toward the cottage.

Moving again, they glided over the rough terrain, getting closer. Stopping behind a couple of trees, One gathered his breath. Will an attack come?

Sucking in a mouthful of air he turned slowly and caught Three’s steely gaze.

Pointing to the farmhouse, the agent signalled a reply.

Both agents, their legs moving like spiders, crawled toward the front door.
Stopping at the entrance One checked his watch.

Fifteen seconds to go.

Flashing his fingers three times to Alpha-Three.

Counting in his head. Three - Two - One, they dropped to their knees for cover, there was a huge explosion.

With perfect timing, Two’s grenade detonated at the back of the farmhouse. Shouts and screams bellowed out of the windows as smoke and splinters of glass rained down on the two agents. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a guard burst out of the front door firing his gun sporadically. One stood up, simultaneously reaching for his weapon. With a short burst of his machine gun, he shot him.
The guard fell to the ground.

Moving in quickly, he stood over him. He could feel his heart beating as looked around anxiously.

The guard’s eyes were empty and still. A large cloak of claret spread around him. He was dead.

Pointing at the cottage, he signalled entry. I’ve got to get in there before he took cyanide - I know he will have some.

Stepping over the guard’s body, he burst through the door. Three followed.
The target stood with his hands in the air, frozen with fear.
Recognising his prey, One staring at him, he was covered in debris and rivulets of sweat streamed down his dusty face. He blinked nervously.

One pushed his gun into his face, there was an eerie quiet as they stared at each other.

This was a sweet moment, the culmination of months of surveillance for Alpha-One.

Grabbing his arm, he forced his hand into the target’s pocket. Trying to resist, he twisted and pushed but the agent overpowered him.
Pulling out a vial of cyanide, One grinned.

‘I don’t think you’ll need this anymore,’ he said.

The target curled his lip up aggressively, his eyes jumping around the room. I’ve got him, he can’t escape.

One and Three exchanged glances.

‘Watch him,’ he snarled; taking the barrel of his gun from his face.