Excerpt from new project

[WafflesToo]

This idea has been fermenting for a while and it kind of came out during the discussion on the group project thread. Critiques of all kinds welcome.

Zachary James eyed the Maelstrom from the hurricane-deck of his airship Maryweather, the drone from her paired steamscrews humming in his ears. Such an ancient, terrible thing that it was, like a hundred thousand hurricanes angrily swirling within the aether. Visible from any skyland of Hygirra, the Maelstrom could easily wreck any ship that came too close and he was certain to be the only fool to venture even this close. That he had done so at the request of another fool with money made him feel all the more foolish. Bringing his spyglass up to his eye he scanned the horizon, it looked like a series of smaller storms were spawning off of it and he was sure they were going to cross his path. Taking the spyglass from his eye he turned to his steward. “Go check the barometer if you would Mr. Gesse. I need to know where it is at and whether it is dropping or not” he asked. The man nodded slightly, watched the storm a moment longer and left for below decks.

He then addressed another man coiling rope on the foredeck, “Mr. Christian, would you be so kind as to fetch Mr. Timothy from the boilers? I need to discuss our fuel situation with him.” The man waved at him and departed for the nearest hatchway. Looking back to the Maelstrom and the smaller storms it was spawning he pondered whether or not his ship could survive contact with such things, as he knew damn well they’d never be able to circumnavigate them on the timetable his patron had given him.

By evening the winds howled around the ship, Zachary felt that he could only just stand against some of the heavier gusts. The light drone of the steam screws had been replaced with the heavier sounds of laboring engines struggling to make headway. “This is madness!” he said to himself, “the Maelstrom needn’t bother trying to wreck us, we’ll do that for ourselves if we don’t turn out of this.”

“That is out of the question” someone said behind him. Zachary turned around to face the man who had financed this insanity. He had met Professor Evan Moreaux at Abdul only a few weeks before when he had offered him what had sounded like a sweet deal. Transport him, a colleague, and a cargo to some uncharted island that orbited close to the Maelstrom in exchange for what could only be described as a princely sum then and more to follow after the trip was done. But you had to be alive to spend money.

“Out of the question?” he howled to be heard over the wind. The ship shuddered beneath him and groaned slightly. “The engines are already at full power and we are only just making headway. It would only mean a slight delay, a day at the most.”

He pondered it, pulled what appeared to be a simple pocket watch from his coat, popped it open and examined it. “No captain, that simply will not do” he said after a moment, “I have already paid you a third what this ship is worth and you assured me that, ‘she could take me right into the heart of the Maelstrom’ if I wished it. We must make that island by tomorrow morning, no delays.” He snapped the watch shut and stared into Zachary’s eyes over the reading glasses perpetually perched on his nose.

The ship’s engineer, Lawrence Timothy bounded up through the hatch and ran over to where they were standing. “Captain, the envelope cover has torn eight feet across forward of bulkhead two. The wind’ll shred the ballyoutes in that area.” He spoke breathlessly and waited expectantly for a response. His eyes spoke volumes, turn us out of this storm, get us out of this madness, save the ship.

Zachary stared back and finally spoke, “then get a patching crew and get up there! Don’t waste time telling me about it!” Law stared at him for a moment, an expression of shock on his face. Quickly collecting himself he scuttled off down the hatchway, calling to the crew as he went, “Move it you louts! Patching kits, on the double!”

“An excellent decision captain, I knew you would be a man I could trust.” Pr. Moreaux stated simply, then turned and headed back down the hatchway. He called to his pudgy assistant as he went, “Mr. Pritchard if you would meet me in the hold, we have much to accomplish before tomorrow.”

This wasn’t about the money any longer, Zachary had to know what was so important on that island. It obviously was more valuable than mere money and he had to find out why.

[HareBrain]

I like the idea - it reminded me of Skies of Arcadia and The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello (which you should see if you haven't) and I liked the premise you outlined in the other thread about how the world came to be this way. So you've got a promising basis, but I feel that some of the language you use bleeds tension from it. This is going to be a bit nit-picky, sorry. It's in a good cause though

Zachary James eyed the Maelstrom from the hurricane-deck of his airship Maryweather, the drone from her paired steamscrews humming in his ears.

I don't like the word "eyed". It feels a bit weak and it detaches him from the scene. It also shows no reaction. Is his worried, even scared? I would choose another verb instead of "eyed" and hint, through physical detail, at how he's feeling (which you will explain later). Also, this opening line feels like you're trying to establish the setting at the expense of the character. We don't need to know yet that he's on his airship, or its name. These other details can be slipped in during the first paragraph. What we need at the beginning is the Maelstrom, and him.

the Maelstrom could easily wreck any ship that came too close and he was certain to be the only fool to venture even this close. That he had done so at the request of another fool with money made him feel all the more foolish.

Most of this could be brought out in dialogue with the prof, which might be more effective than description.

Bringing his spyglass up to his eye he scanned the horizon, it looked like a series of smaller storms were spawning off of it and he was sure they were going to cross his path. Taking the spyglass from his eye

The repetition is a bit clumsy.

he turned to his steward. “Go check the barometer if you would Mr. Gesse. I need to know where it is at and whether it is dropping or not” he asked. The man nodded slightly, watched the storm a moment longer and left for below decks.

Try not to use adverbs, like slightly, unless they really earn their place. It just bleeds the tension out. Maybe something like "nodded a twitch" would also hint at his state of mind. Also, "left" is a bit weak. How does he leave? If he scurries or runs, say so.

He then addressed another man coiling rope on the foredeck, “Mr. Christian, would you be so kind as to fetch Mr. Timothy from the boilers? I need to discuss our fuel situation with him.” The man waved at him and departed for the nearest hatchway.

Again, "waved" and "departed" feel a bit like he's going off on holiday.

By evening the winds howled around the ship, Zachary felt that he could only just stand against some of the heavier gusts.

Felt that he could only just? Why not just say he could only just?

The light drone of the steam screws had been replaced with the heavier sounds of laboring engines struggling to make headway.

This is a good example of where I think you could tighten things up a bit. Something like: The drone of the steam screws had been replaced by the labor of struggling engines.

“This is madness!” he said to himself, “the Maelstrom needn’t bother trying to wreck us, we’ll do that for ourselves if we don’t turn out of this.”

“That is out of the question” someone said behind him. Zachary turned around to face the man who had financed this insanity.

I have a little difficulty believing this bit. One, that he would express something so fully to himself. Two, that he would say it loud enough for the professor to hear him over the wind.

He had met Professor Evan Moreaux at Abdul only a few weeks before when he had offered him what had sounded like a sweet deal.

"sweet deal" rings a bit false to me in the 19thC style setting, but that might just be me.

He pondered it, pulled what appeared to be a simple pocket watch from his coat, popped it open and examined it. “No captain, that simply will not do” he said after a moment,

By "he" you must mean the prof, but it reads as the last person to speak, ie the captain. Also, I think he'd have his head full of calculations about how much time they could afford to lose, whether they would get there on schedule etc, I don't think he'd need to consult his watch to be aware of this. Unless his watch isn't a watch ...

“Captain, the envelope cover has torn eight feet across forward of bulkhead two. The wind’ll shred the ballyoutes in that area.” He spoke breathlessly

If you want us to hear his speech as being breathless, you need to tell us that before or just after he starts speaking. Eg '"Captain" he said breathlessly, "the envelope ..."'. It's too late to tell us after he's stopped talking.

and waited expectantly for a response. His eyes spoke volumes, turn us out of this storm, get us out of this madness, save the ship.

"His eyes spoke volumes" doesn't really work for me, especially when you tell us afterwards that what he's actually thinking takes fifteen words.

Zachary stared back and finally spoke, “then get a patching crew and get up there! Don’t waste time telling me about it!” Law stared at him for a moment, an expression of shock on his face.

"An expression of" is redundant here. "Law stared at him for a moment, his face shocked" is tighter.

There are a few punctuation niggles too, but I think I've done enough damage, and Chrispy will perhaps be along later.

I hope I haven't gone in too hard, but you seem like a level-headed sort of fellow and hopefully these points will give you an idea what to watch out for as you carry on. Which you should, because you have an intriguing idea for your world and this will make a good start with some tightening up.

[WafflesToo]

Okay, guess I was a little sloppy on that last write so here's a bit of a clean-up for you.

Zachary James stared at the Maelstrom from the hurricane-deck of his airship Maryweather, the drone from her paired steamscrews humming pleasantly in his ears. Such an ancient, terrible thing that it was, like a hundred thousand hurricanes angrily swirling within the aether. A funnel shaped like a squashed hourglass connected the murky depths below to the ragged, swirling span of clouds high overhead and he was certain to be the only fool to ever venture this close to the awe-inspiring and terrible spectacle. That he had done so at the request of another fool with money made him feel all the more foolish. Bringing his spyglass up to his eye he scanned the horizon, it looked like a series of smaller storms were spawning off of it and he was sure they were going to cross his path. He turned to his steward, “Go check the barometer if you would Mr. Gesse. I need to know where it is at and whether it is rising or dropping ” he asked. The man twitched a slight nod, remained engrossed by the storm a moment longer and calmly left for below decks.

He then addressed another man coiling rope on the foredeck, “Mr. Christian, would you be so kind as to fetch Mr. Lawrence from the boilers? I need to discuss our fuel situation with him.” The man waved at him to confirm the order and jogged for the nearest hatchway. Looking back to the Maelstrom and the smaller storms it was spawning he wondered whether or not his ship could survive contact with such things, he knew damn well they’d never be able to circumnavigate them on the timetable his patron had given him.

By evening the winds howled around the ship, Zachary could only just stand against some of the heavier gusts. A heavy bass note of engines laboring to make headway had replaced the light treble from earlier. “This is madness!” he called to the helmsman, “the Maelstrom needn’t bother trying to wreck us, we’ll do that for ourselves if we don’t turn out of this.”

The helmsman called back over the gale, “Aye sah! Which way do we turn out?” It was all the two of them could do to hold course, the wheel kept trying to tear from their hands, one way then the next. Clouds whipped by both sides of the ship. Zachary yelled back, “We’ll have to watch ourselves, lest we broach and find ourselves inside the Maelstrom itself! Quarter-turn to port as soon as I…”

“That is out of the question!” someone called out from behind him. Zachary turned around to face the man who had financed this insanity. He had met Professor Evan Moreaux at Abdul only a few weeks before when he had offered him what had sounded like a pretty little exchange. Transport him, a colleague, and a cargo to some uncharted island that orbited close to the Maelstrom in exchange for what could only be described as a princely sum then and more to follow after the trip was completed. But you had to be alive to spend money.

“Out of the question?” he howled to be heard over the wind. The ship shuddered beneath him and groaned slightly. “The engines are already at full power and we are only just making headway. If we’re not careful we’ll get blown into the Maelstrom and torn apart for sure! It would only mean a slight delay, a day at the most.”

Pr. Moreaux pondered it, pulled what appeared to be a simple pocket watch from his coat, popped it open and examined it. “No captain, that simply will not do” he said after a moment, “I have already paid you a third what this ship is worth and you assured me that, ‘she could take me right into the heart of the Maelstrom’ if I wished it. We must make that island by tomorrow morning, no delays.” He snapped the watch shut and stared into Zachary’s eyes over the reading glasses perpetually perched on his nose as the wind whipped at his long coat.

The ship’s engineer, Timothy Lawrence bounded up through the hatch and ran over to the helm where the men were standing. “Captain!” He spoke breathlessly “the envelope cover has torn eight feet across forward of bulkhead two. The wind’ll shred the ballyoutes in that area and sink us!” He waited expectantly for a response. His eyes pleaded with Zachary, get us out of here.

Zachary stared back and finally spoke, “then get a patching crew and get up there! Don’t waste time telling me about it!” Tim gave him a shocked expression for a moment before quickly collecting himself and sprinted off down the hatchway, calling to the crew as he went, “Move it you louts! Patching kits, on the double!” After he had gone, Zachary addressed the helmsman, “We’re holding course!”

“An excellent decision captain, I knew you would be a man I could trust.” Pr. Moreaux stated, then turned and headed back down the hatchway. He called to his pudgy assistant as he went, “Mr. Pritchard if you would meet me in the hold, we have much to accomplish before tomorrow.”

This wasn’t about the money any longer; Zachary had to know what was so important on that skyland. It obviously was more valuable than mere money and possibly even the man’s life and he had to find out why.

[HareBrain]

That's a big, big improvement Waffles: exactly what I was hoping for . Now we can get down to the real nit-picking. *rubs hands in glee*

Before that, just one thing. The line "Zachary stared back and finally spoke" near the end - there's quite a lot going on in his mind at this point, the decision he has to make, but we don't get any idea of that until the next paragraph. I think some hint that he is making a difficult decision might be useful here.

Now for the nit-picking. I still find myself disrupted sometimes by your punctuation. I personally would put more commas.
Eg:

A funnel shaped like a squashed hourglass connected the murky depths below to the ragged, swirling span of clouds high overhead and he was certain to be the only fool to ever venture this close to the awe-inspiring and terrible spectacle.

I think there needs to be at least a comma before "and he was certain". Personally, I would make it a full-stop (I would also join the description with the previous sentence). In fact this is what I would do:

Such an ancient, terrible thing that it was, like a hundred thousand hurricanes angrily swirling within the aether; a funnel shaped like a squashed hourglass connected the murky depths below to the ragged, swirling span of clouds high overhead. He was certain to be the only fool to ever venture this close to the awe-inspiring and terrible spectacle - that he had done so at the request of another fool with money made him feel all the more foolish.

Or something like that. Another example:

He turned to his steward, “Go check the barometer if you would Mr. Gesse. I need to know where it is at and whether it is rising or dropping ” he asked.

He turned to his steward. “Go check the barometer if you would, Mr. Gesse. I need to know where it is at, and whether it is rising or dropping.”

The comma after steward would be OK if you'd put: He said to his steward, "Go check ...", but "He turned to the steward" is a sentence in itself. I've added a couple of commas, see if you think they make it flow better. (You also don't need "he asked" tacked on the end like that.)

He then addressed another man coiling rope on the foredeck, “Mr. Christian, would you be so kind as to fetch Mr. Lawrence from the boilers? I need to discuss our fuel situation with him.”

Again, the comma after "foredeck" should be a full-stop, or actually you could use a colon here (well, I might. Some would disagree.)

The man waved at him to confirm the order and jogged for the nearest hatchway. Looking back to the Maelstrom, and the smaller storms it was spawning, he wondered whether or not his ship could survive contact with such things. He knew damn well they’d never be able to circumnavigate them on the timetable his patron had given him.

I've added two commas here and changed one to a full-stop. I guess the theme here is that I think your pauses need upgrading! Otherwise it reads in a bit of rush. Hope this makes sense? Please ask for any clarification!

[pyan]

More on punctuation, and a bit of grammar:

The ship’s engineer, Timothy Lawrence

comma

bounded up through the hatch and ran over to the helm where the men were standing. “Captain!” He spoke

"said" might be better here

breathlessly

comma

“the envelope cover has torn eight feet across forward of bulkhead two. The wind’ll shred the ballyoutes in that area and sink us!” He waited expectantly for a response. His eyes pleaded with Zachary, get us out of here.

May be better run together a bit here.
"He waited expectantly for a response, his eyes pleading with Zachary, get us out of here."

Zachary stared back and finally spoke, “then

Capital T

get a patching crew and get up there! Don’t waste time telling me about it!” Tim gave him a shocked expression

A shocked look, or looked at him with a shocked expression

for a moment before quickly collecting himself and sprinted off down the hatchway, calling to the crew as he went, “Move it

comma

you louts! Patching kits, on the double!” After he had gone, Zachary addressed the helmsman, “We’re holding course!”

“An excellent decision captain, I knew you would be a man I could trust.” Pr. Moreaux stated, then turned

You don't need "stated, then" here, as Moreaux' last sentence will stand alone

and headed back down the hatchway. He called to his pudgy assistant as he went, “Mr. Pritchard

comma

if you would meet me in the hold, we have much to accomplish before tomorrow.”

This wasn’t about the money any longer; Zachary had to know what was so important on that skyland. It obviously was more valuable than mere money and possibly even the man’s life

comma

and he had to find out why.

I like this - I've always been a sucker for High Victorian tech - this reminds me a bit of The Court of the Air, as well as the Skies of Arcadia, as HareBrain said. More!

[WafflesToo]

@HareBrain- I guess THAT is why you should never paint a masterpeice in the dark, or write one with your eyelids on the floor (lol).

Nitpicks on punctuation and pacing aside, third to last paragraph looks to be pretty weak compared to the situation (I won't have you reread the whole thing simply to see punctuation corrections, not just yet anyway ).

Rewrite of thrid paragraph from the bottom:

Zachary stared back at his friend as the wind tore at the men on the deck. Lightning laced the skies above and below the struggling airship. The sounds of rain, thunder, and wind mixed with the drone of engines and the groan of protesting steel in his ears. Finally his decision was made. “Then get a patching crew and get up there! Don’t waste time telling me about it!”

Tim looked at him with a shocked expression for a moment before quickly collecting himself and sprinted off down the hatchway, calling to the crew as he went, “Patching kits, on the double! Move it, you louts!”

After he had gone, Zachary addressed the helmsman, “We’re holding course!”

[chopper]

like pyan, i get the feel for Arcadia & Court of the Air. it's improving nicely, waffles. are you still with us on the collaborative thingamajig, btw?

[HareBrain]

I never realised Skies of Arcadia was so popular! But lord, weren't the random encounters tedious?

Waffles - leave random encounters out of your book.

[chopper]

but they'll only be random the first time you read it....

[WafflesToo]

Originally Posted by chopper

like pyan, i get the feel for Arcadia & Court of the Air. it's improving nicely, waffles. are you still with us on the collaborative thingamajig, btw?

I'll contribute as much as I can, but right now it looks like I'm going to be working 12-hour days between my actual paying job and volunteer work for a theater group my freinds belong to. Not going to leave a whole lot of energy for anything else.

[chopper]

ouch - but then i work in retail, so my christmas is usually one long, terrible nightmare....

[WafflesToo]

Still working on it, just been a little busy lately. Going to have the prologue and the reworked first few pages posted by the end of the week (I hope!).

[chrispenycate]

Sorry, Chrispy was taken up with developments in the studio, and creating a quick universe for collaboratory thingamujig (even simple universes require some time spent on them.
A couple of 'sentences separated with commas':

Bringing his spyglass up to his eye he scanned the horizon, it looked like a series of smaller storms were spawning off of it

Firstly, that's two sentences, and the comma in the middle should be at least a semicolon, secondly, you don't need the "of", but finally, I don't imagine the storms are actually spawning off the horizon, bt off the Maëlstrom (which I have great difficulty persuading my mind is a permanent whirlwind rather than a tidal whirlpool off Norway.

In the final paragraph you use the spliendid word "skyland", an aerial body of land. Why didn't you use it earlier; it is so much stronger than the "island" you did, and instantly comprehensible.

[Interference]

Originally Posted by WafflesToo

Critiques of all kinds welcome.

Risky

I'll just make a handful of observations as they strike me, with apologies if the points have already been covered, but .....

Zachary James stared at the Maelstrom from the hurricane-deck of his airship Maryweather, the drone from her paired steamscrews humming pleasantly in his ears.

I don't get any feeling of urgency here. The man is risking his ship already. I wonder at this point if he is alone on this expedition and how pleasantly does an engine sound? Personally, I'd like to see some early buffeting in the first sentence, and a skipper's reaction.


Such an ancient, terrible thing that it was, like a hundred thousand hurricanes angrily swirling within the aether. A funnel shaped like a squashed hourglass connected the murky depths below to the ragged, swirling span of clouds high overhead and he was certain to be the only fool to ever venture this close to the awe-inspiring and terrible spectacle.

This is the maelstrom, right? Not the engines or his ship


That he had done so at the request of another fool with money made him feel all the more foolish.

I like where this could be going, the addage that a fool and his money are soon parted, but wonder if it might not be made more of.



Bringing his spyglass up to his eye he scanned the horizon, it looked like a series of smaller storms were spawning off of it and he was sure they were going to cross his path. He turned to his steward, “Go check the barometer if you would Mr. Gesse. I need to know where it is at and whether it is rising or dropping ” he asked. The man twitched a slight nod, remained engrossed by the storm a moment longer and calmly left for below decks.

This is what I mean about the first para. Gesse is engrossed, but Captain Zak is casually scanning.


He then addressed another man coiling rope on the foredeck, “Mr. Christian, would you be so kind as to fetch Mr. Lawrence from the boilers? I need to discuss our fuel situation with him.” The man waved at him to confirm the order and jogged for the nearest hatchway. Looking back to the Maelstrom and the smaller storms it was spawning he wondered whether or not his ship could survive contact with such things, he knew damn well they’d never be able to circumnavigate them on the timetable his patron had given him.


It's becoming clear to me only now that there is no danger at this point. My mistake, but also possibly a reader's expectation??


By evening the winds howled around the ship, Zachary could only just stand against some of the heavier gusts. A heavy bass note of engines laboring to make headway had replaced the light treble from earlier. “This is madness!” he called to the helmsman, “the Maelstrom needn’t bother trying to wreck us, we’ll do that for ourselves if we don’t turn out of this.”

And I wonder if this isn't where you should really start telling the story from. However, from the helmsman's next remark, Zachary doesn't come across as the most decisive ship's captain in the cosmos. The course decision should follow immediately on the perception of the need, imo


The helmsman called back over the gale, “Aye sah! Which way do we turn out?” It was all the two of them could do to hold course, the wheel kept trying to tear from their hands, one way then the next. Clouds whipped by both sides of the ship. Zachary yelled back, “We’ll have to watch ourselves, lest we broach and find ourselves inside the Maelstrom itself! Quarter-turn to port as soon as I…”

Yep. Just like that!


“That is out of the question!” someone called out from behind him. Zachary turned around to face the man who had financed this insanity. He had met Professor Evan Moreaux at Abdul only a few weeks before when he had offered him what had sounded like a pretty little exchange.( Transport him, a colleague, and a cargo to some uncharted island that orbited close to the Maelstrom in exchange for what could only be described as a princely sum then and more to follow after the trip was completed. But you had to be alive to spend money.

(waiting for the girl to turn up as "the colleague", now :hee-hee: )


“Out of the question?” he howled to be heard over the wind. The ship shuddered beneath him and groaned slightly. “The engines are already at full power and we are only just making headway. If we’re not careful we’ll get blown into the Maelstrom and torn apart for sure! It would only mean a slight delay, a day at the most.”

Lovely piece of atmosphere there, imo, and definitely far more exhilirating than your opening paras as they stand.


Pr(of. - or the full word, as few abbreviations are desirable in narrative, of which Mr, Mrs, even Dr etc are all obvious and common exceptions) Moreaux pondered it, pulled what appeared to be a simple pocket watch from his coat, popped it open and examined it. “No captain, that simply will not do” he said after a moment, “I have already paid you a third what this ship is worth and you assured me that, ‘she could take me right into the heart of the Maelstrom’ if I wished it. We must make that island by tomorrow morning, no delays.” He snapped the watch shut and stared into Zachary’s eyes over the reading glasses perpetually perched on his nose as the wind whipped at his long coat.

Not nit-picking, honestly, but pinz-nez glasses, as I think you're describing, would be whipped off his nose in no time. It might be nice and a useful character indicator if the prof is having to hold them in place as he reads the watch, then takes them off for safety


The ship’s engineer, Timothy Lawrence, bounded up through the hatch and ran over to the helm where the men were standing. “Captain!” He spoke breathlessly “the envelope cover has torn eight feet across forward of bulkhead two. The wind’ll shred the ballyoutes in that area and sink us!” He waited expectantly for a response. His eyes pleaded with Zachary, to 'get us out of here'.

Zachary stared back and finally (still thinking too much, not getting straight to the action) spoke, “then get a patching crew and get up there! Don’t waste time telling me about it!” Tim gave him a shocked expression for a moment before quickly collecting himself and sprinted off down the hatchway, calling to the crew as he went, “Move it you louts! Patching kits, on the double!” After he had gone, Zachary addressed the helmsman, “We’re holding course!”

Is Tim's identity important at this point? I mean, obviously, if he turns out to be a mutineer later, but even at that, I'm not certain I need my focus diverted to him just now. I'm in Zachary's head up till now.


“An excellent decision captain, I knew you would be a man I could trust.” Prof. Moreaux statedsaid, then turned and headed back down the hatchway. He called to his pudgy assistant as he went, “Mr. Pritchard if you would meet me in the hold, we have much to accomplish before tomorrow.”

This wasn’t about the money any longer; Zachary had to know what was so important on that skyland. It obviously was more valuable than mere money and possibly even the man’s life and he had to find out why.


For me, this is a very successful opener, with the provisos listed above. There is atmosphere and a sense of danger once you get to it and I still think you should get there in your first paragraph. The relationship between Zachary and the Professor is very nearly stated, again with the question as to whether Zachary sees the Prof as a "fool to be parted from his money", which again would inform our understanding of Zak's character and motivation quite early on and with very few words, but it depends a lot on whether you intended that inference in the first place. There is a danger of falling back on cliche, of course, and it is hard for a reader of my generation not to picture Doug McLure and Peter Cushing (actually I saw Andrew Keir, but it's the same stable) as your two major protagonists in this scene, and as such your challenge is now to round these characters out so that we see your image of them as clearly as you do.

I really do like this and and happy to say I found it readable and coherent. Your use of language is very good, as far as I can tell, if a little - dare I say - safe. I would read this story quite happily as a short story or novella, on the evidence of its stylistic form here and might suggest that you could find a publisher for that form in a magazine or online zine, if that's your goal. A whole novel? Not quite enough humanity in it for me yet for that literary form. Still, as they say, "all to play for" ....


All comments offered with respect and to honour the hard work you've already done

[WafflesToo]

I HATE going a full week without anything real to post up here. But I'm afraid IRL obligations must take priority to my little hobby. Thank you everyone who read this and offered critisism, encouragement, or who simply enjoyed it for what it is at this point.

@Interference: Thank you for both the critique and your kind words. Beleive me, nobody on this planet needs an 'earth anchor' more than I do so I tend to encourage near brutality in regards to critiqueing my work At the same time, I recognize that it is still my work and therefore feel free to disregard any suggestions I wish to . The line, "that he had done so at the request of another fool with money made him feel all the more foolish" was supposed to infer that he initially thought Evan to be an easy mark (or at the very least was vastly overpaying for his services), but he's beginning to question who is putting one over on who (it is also supposed to be the thing fueling his indecision). It sounded like it is sort of working, but may need some massaging to get it fully across. As far as the engineer is concerned, he becomes important later on (just not right now). Wasn't certain on 'the rule of adding important characters' so I figured I'd error on the side of caution (rather than risk 'pulling a Jordan').

Regardless, I have been trying to add to this (ten minutes here, thirty there, an hour when I should probably be asleep). I can't say I'm exactly thrilled with the prologue (there is an entire section that is already earmarked for an earth-shattering ka-boom, it was stuck in there as filler so I could progress to the end at least). Feels like I need a reality check to see if this is working an any level is all at the moment so have at it:

Joseph stared out onto the rain slicked streets from his window, in full defiance of the order to go to bed. “But I don’t want go to bed, I want to stay up and wait for papa!” he cried as his mother tried to pry him from the windowsill.

Changing tactics, she started tickling him beneath his arms, “But papa won’t be home for several days dear.”

In a fit of giggles, he finally allowed himself to be caught, “but why Mama, why does he have to leave for so long? I hate it when they send him away.”

“Everyone who works for the Académie must go away once in a while dear. You remember Francué last month? I remember you liked his stories he told. He was here from a whole other city and his little boy had to wait for him to come home, just like you have to wait for your father to come home.” She laid the boy in his bed and tickled his nose, “and I’ll bet he went to bed ON TIME for his mother.”

He playfully stuck his tongue out, “No he didn’t! He stayed up the whole time!”

She threw her arm up in mock exasperation and said, “As I’m beginning to think you will do. Ms. Fleura?”

“Yes Madame?” asked the tinny sounding voice of the clockwork woman that had been quietly standing in the corner during the playful melee.

“Would you please bring me a glass of warm milk for my son and a gin on lemon and ice for myself?” She asked as she seated herself on her son’s bed.

“Of course Madame” it said. Its gears whirred quietly as the construct walked from the room.

“Mama, where’s Miss Rosaline?” the young boy asked as sat up.

“She was complaining of not feeling well so I sent her home to get better” she said to her son. Smiling she added, “I’m sure that your Nana Fleura can take care of us until she gets back.”

“Will you read me a story? I promise to go to bed if you do” he asked as innocently as he could manage.

“If you promise!” she said, and moved to stand. “Do you want me to finish ‘The Velvet Rabbit’?”

“No, read me this.” The boy produced a simple looking leather-bound journal from beneath his pillow.

“Why that’s your father’s class journal! No wonder he couldn’t find it this morning.” She carefully took the book from him and asked, “Why do you want me to read to you from this?”

“Papa’s stories he tells his classes are always so big and important sounding when I listen to them.” He looked expectantly at his mother. Once convinced he wasn’t going to get in trouble he continued, “I wanted to hear about the big storm in the sky and what made it, but he found me out and made me come home.”

The corners of her mouth turned down slightly, “Joseph Calgori, you know you aren’t supposed to sneak off like that.” Secretly she was laughing. Those stuffy men at the Académie took themselves far too seriously anyway.

The clockwork returned, carefully carrying a pair of glasses on a tray. It bent gently at the waist and offered each their drink. Gratefully taking hers, Mrs. Calgori said, “Thank you. Would you mind turning down my bed and seeing to the fire?”

“Not at all Madam”, the machine said as it curtseyed and walked back out of the room. Joseph took a drink from his glass and waited patiently for her to start. The journal would be dry reading, but it was sure to put Joseph to sleep. Unless she succumbed first that was.

“Well, all right.” She said and opened it. “Let’s see, ‘…Entropy is conserved in all things, natural and unnatural. The Thirteen obviously knew this when… ‘“

“What’s Entropy Mama?”

She looked at her son and shrugged, then laughed, “I think I have a better idea. I’ll just tell you how it all happened as I was told by my grandmother. How does that sound?”

The boy thought hard on it for a moment and nodded rapidly.

->“Okay, here’s what happened, ‘A bunch of powerful and terrible men decided they would live forever. They cast a magic spell and it broke the world apart into the skylands and the very spot they were standing when they cast the spell became the Maelstrom’”<- <yes, I know this paragraph sucks, it is a placeholder… rework it ASAP>

Laying down and pulling the covers up over himself Joseph said, “When I grow up I’m going to find those mean old men and beat them up, then the story will end right.”

Standing to go, she leaned over and gave her son a kiss on the forehead, “I’m sure you will.”

In regards to Ms. Fleura, you have NO IDEA how many times I had to correct the pronoun on her, I MEAN 'IT'