Excerpt from new project

[WafflesToo]

Added some more to that second chunk. After taking a week off and coming back to read it again I think I'm beginning to agree with CTG about writing in the bit about them weathering through the storm.

Anyway, enjoy:

<<<They fight their way through the storm thoughout the night>>>

Bleary eyed and exhausted, Zachary saw the sun rising from the horizon. It had been an exhausting night for ship and crew, but they had made it. The weather finally behind them, the crew was half-dozing waiting for the inevitable order to stand-down. He looked from the welcome sight of the sun to his helmsman, himself seemingly unfazed though it all. He looked back and all he said was, “Twas a rough night cap’m.”

Zachary couldn’t help but smile, sometimes he swore that the old helmsman had been through so much there was nothing left in the whole sphere that could impress him further. Speaking loudly enough to be overheard, he said, “Mr. Hendruex, when we make the next port the first round is on me, and maybe the second”, while looking around at his exhausted crew.

“I will gladly remind you of it s’ah, though I think most of the younger pups will be eager to be off tah spend the fortune you earned for them last night.” His eyes never left the horizon as he spoke. “Wonder how many will be back on the docks, penniless and looking for work in a years time?” he quietly added.

“As many as wander back to the docks I suppose.” Zachary said, not that he really cared. Money was money, but the skies were always there for those who would brave them. “I’m wondering when a few derelicts will stop cluttering my decks. You worked for my father while he was still alive, and you’re still here. When are you going to enjoy the wealth you’ve earned through the years?”

The helmsman idley ignored the comment, though the look in his eye grew wistful for a moment. Finally, he said, “I’ll stand at my post if it’s all the same to you sa’h.”

“Land-ho!” the cry came from the crow’s nest, “Two-point on the starboard bow!” Leaving the helm, Zachary pulled his spyglass from his jacket and examined their guest’s destination. It was a small lump of a skyland, a spire of rock rising prominently from its center and ringed with dead or dying trees almost all the way to its gravel and rock covered shoreline. An ancient wreck of an airship decorated one side and he could make out peeling gold leaf from the bright work and frameworks jutting from its rotting envelope of what must have been the pride of some fleet during its prime. Its presence added to the ominous feel of the place, even at distance.

“Captain!” Zachary jumped slightly at the voice of his financier, Evan Moreaux, “I must insist that you get this ship out of sight at once!”

“Professor,” Zachary growled as he spoke, “Your presence on my deck is becoming increasingly tiresome. There isn’t a soul on that lump of rock so who in ol’ Hobb’s name are we supposedly hiding from?”

“Captain, please,” fear mixed with irritation played across Evan’s features, “we must be discrete or my journey will be for naught.”

Zachary strode up to Evan, “You sir have been awfully short on explanation. We’ve already weathered a brace of storms that any sane aviator would have sought shelter from, and now you’d risk piling us into some rocks in a fog without so much as a reason as to why.”

Evan stared back coolly, offering no reply.

“I don’t like this at all”, Zachary hissed in a more hushed tone, “you’re asking us to keep taking risks that just don’t make sense.”

Evan’s eyes remain locked on Zachary’s, “Mr. Pritchard, if you would please.”

The standoff lasted a minute longer. Mr. Christian walked next to his captain and cracked his knuckles, ready to back Zachary should things get ugly. A deep, metallic clanging began rhythmically issuing from beneath the deck.

Zachary’s eyes widened, “What did you do, dammit, what did you do to my ship!”

Evan continued to stare back at him. Zachary took a step back and pointed at Evan, “Mr. Christian, make sure he does not move from that spot!”

Running to the voice tube, Zachary shouted into it, “Mr. Lawrence, what the hell is wrong down there?” The thrumming grew louder, “Mr. Lawrence!”

Mr. Hendreux tried to get Zachary’s attention, “Captain, it ain’t the ship, it’s something else!”

Zachary, not hearing grumbled to himself, “if he’s dozed off again.”

“Captain!” Mr. Christian yelped.

Zachary yelled as loud as he could into the sound-tube’s mouthpiece. “MR. LAWwWwWHAT IN THE NAME OF…”

Zachary’s eyes grew wide and he stumbled backwards. They looked like caricatures of men; each one was six-and-a-half feet, made from brass, and was painted to look roughly like a nutcracker. Whisps of steam issued from the tops of thier 'hat' and each carried a large-calibre musket. Four of them marched rhythmically out of the hatchway and came to rest just behind where Evan was standing. In unison, they lowered their weapons and took aim on the crew then waited.

“This, this is mutiny Professor Moreaux!” Zachary gasped.

“No my good captain,” Evan said calmly, “This is insurance. Now get us in that fog bank and do what you have to do to see me to my desitnation.”

[chopper]

this is really starting to ramp up! nice job waffles. this certainly reads and feels like steampunk.

[Boneman]

I've been following the changes, (and not commenting because everyone else is doing such a good job!) but it occurs to me - is this in danger of being called 'The Island of Dr Moreaux?'
And one quibble with question marks - shouldn't there be one, possibly tow on the sentence: “What did you do, dammit, what did you do to my ship!”

[KESpires]

There probably should be. Separating it would make it more reminiscent of the way someone would actually say that.

"What did you do, dammit? What did you do to my ship?" he yelled.

[WafflesToo]

Corrected and thanks for the help (The complete work to date is in the thread, "Into Harm's Way" in this forum if you wanted to see it.)

I worry that I might be ramping things up too quickly, worse still that I need Cpt. James and Proffessor Moreaux on workable terms later in the book (though they will never 'like' each other, ever). Perhaps I'll wait for critiques after the 'reveal' and see what needs to happen.

Anyway, added some new stuff to Chapter 2. Abuse at your leisure.

The skyland crept into view through the fog. It appeared dark, nearly black, like an ink spot in a sea of white.

“Ahead slow, increase buoyancy one-third” Zachary ordered.

As the Maryweather slid out from the clouds she had been running through, the skyland came fully into view; dry and dead without a sound emanating from its rocky surface. No birds, no anything could be seen to be alive save for a few trees that wouldn’t last the season. Zachary had never seen anything so completely dead.

Evan stepped near the helm and pointed to a gravelly clearing near the edge of the skyland. “That spot over there should do, if you would Captain.”

Sparing a rueful glance for his financier, Zachary nodded to the helmsman. “Set her down if you would Mr. Hendruex. Mr. Christian, be ready to set anchor.”

Both men spared a nervous, “aye sir” and eyed the steam soldiers still standing on deck before getting back to their duties. Not a one of them had moved since their arrival that morning, their muskets still leveled. Zachary glared at them hatefully; he hoped that they would leave once they landed. He also hoped the Professor had made alternate travel arrangements to get back, because there was no way in the seven-suns of Hades he was letting him back on his ship.

The ship slowed to a halt and began gently descending to the skylands surface. Evan walked up to Zachary, “I do apologize for the unpleasantness Captain, I hope you eventually understand the necessity. Regardless, you have held up your end of our bargain so I fully intend to hold up mine.”

Reaching into his coat, he produced a sealed envelope. “Present this to the Acadámy master at Pont-a-Lubonet and he will see to it you are paid in full.”

The Maryweather came to a rest and with a slight jarring dropped and set her anchor. “Now, if you would tell your engineer and his team to come up here I will take my leave of you.”

Eyes never leaving Evan, Zachary leaned down to the speaking tube. “Mr. Lawrence, Professor Moreaux would appreciate it if you and your team would secure the engines and join us on the Hurricane deck.”

“Aye sir, though, well, his mechanicals have kind of put off my men somewhat. It might take a minute longer”, came the reply from below.

“Smartly, if you would, I am eager to see the man on his way after all”, Zachary replied dryly. Nothing could be truer.

[KESpires]

Those commas need to be inside the quotations.

"Smartly, if you would, I am eager to see the man on his way after all," Zachary replied.

[WafflesToo]

Originally Posted by ctg

It's good drama, and more emotion over the drama that happened in the night. I still think that 'the voyage through the storm' would be great. If you don't want to write it out as it happens, you can always play it through the thoughts as an flashback sequence. This new excerpt also reads like Jules Verne '80 days around the world' combined to the 'Moby Dick'.

I feel flattered that you would make the comparision, especially so as I have never read either work.

After having left the work for a while and come back to it I have finally decided that you're right; there needs to be something between "we're holding course" and the morning's first light. It was a bit jarring when I hit it while rereading it this morning (slow day at work, what can I say).

...makes me wonder why you all put up with me.

@KESpires: Fixed. Sloppy, but at least I'm consistant.

[ctg]

Watch out the language on you refer the sea, the ship (its devices) and the crew in prose.

Sparing a rueful glance for his financier, Zachary nodded to the helmsman. “Set her down if you would Mr. Hendruex. Mr. Christian, be ready to set anchor.”

How about?

..." [protagonist action]. "Mr Christian, get ready to lower the starboard side anchor."

The Maryweather came to a rest and with a slight jarring dropped and set her anchor. “Now, if you would tell your engineer and his team to come up here I will take my leave of you.”

Whole cut section is jarring. To me it reads as if you've switched the point-of-view monetarily to the ship itself. If you're going to use it, then you should use after dropping the anchor wonderful word of marooning (to something) to make it that little bit more clear to the reader.

Indicate the speaker so that you lessened the POV impact. You could even drop it to be own its own line.

“Aye sir, though, well, his mechanicals have kind of put off my men somewhat. It might take a minute longer”, came the reply from below.

“Smartly, if you would, I am eager to see the man on his way after all”, Zachary replied dryly. Nothing could be truer.

Colon goes inside the quotation. Another thing you can do, is that move the Zachery action at the front of the dialogue. In that way your narration has continuity.

[ctg]

Why we put up with you?

Because you're showing wonderful writing to us. Be proud of what you do as there is so many people out there who don't how to do what you've created up there. It's an achievement. but there's still so much of work ahead before you're sitting in your old comfy chair, and having a cup tea, while you browse your oven-warm publication.

[chopper]

Originally Posted by ctg

Why we put up with you?

Because you're showing wonderful writing to us. Be proud of what you do as there is so many people out there who don't how to do what you've created up there. It's an achievement. but there's still so much of work ahead before you're sitting in your old comfy chair, and having a cup tea, while you browse your oven-warm publication.

couldn't have said it better meself.

gives new meaning to cooking the books, eh?

[ctg]

I guess it does chopper. I'm one of those terrible cooks, who people should take the ability to cook away and make them do something else.

[WafflesToo]

Update coming tomorrow, come hell or high water!

Things are winding down for a bit so I should have more time to devote to the project as well in the month of December. But now it looks like I'll be tied up again from January until the end of Febuary. Oh well, all stories are written one word at a time, right? No matter how much time passes between words

Right?

[WafflesToo]

Originally Posted by ctg

..." [protagonist action]. "Mr Christian, get ready to lower the starboard side anchor."

That is freaking hystarical... considering in my own mind's eye I had them approaching the landing site on the starboard side already.

[WafflesToo]

Okay, here's the entire second chapter up to the point that Zachary and crew prepare to leave the ship. Let her have it!

The skyland crept into view through the fog. It appeared dark, nearly black, like an ink spot in a sea of white.

“Ahead slow, increase buoyancy one-third” Zachary ordered.

As the Maryweather slid out from the clouds she had been running through, the skyland came fully into view; dry and dead without a sound emanating from its rocky surface. No birds, no anything could be seen to be alive save for a few trees that wouldn’t last the season. Zachary had never seen anything so completely dead.

Evan stepped near the helm and pointed to a gravelly clearing near the edge of the skyland. “That spot over there should do, if you would Captain.”

Sparing a rueful glance for his financier, Zachary nodded to the helmsman. “Set her down if you would Mr. Hendruex."

Turning to the Boson, he continued, "Mr. Christian, be ready to lower the starboard anchor.”

Both men spared a nervous, “aye sir,” and glanced at the steam soldiers still standing on deck before getting back to their duties. Not a one of them had moved since their arrival that morning, their muskets still leveled. Zachary glared at them hatefully; he hoped that they would leave once they landed. He also hoped the Professor had made alternate travel arrangements to get back, because there was no way in the seven-suns of Hades he was letting him back on his ship.

The ship slowed to a halt and began gently descending to the skylands surface. Evan walked up to Zachary, “I do apologize for the unpleasantness Captain. I hope you eventually understand the necessity. Regardless, you have held up your end of our bargain so I fully intend to hold up mine.”

Reaching into his coat, he produced a sealed envelope. “Present this to the Acadámy master at Pont-a-Lubonet and he will see to it you are paid in full.”

The Maryweather came to a rest and with a slight jarring dropped and set her anchor. “Now, if you would tell your engineer and his team to come up here I will take my leave of you.”

Eyes never leaving Evan, Zachary leaned down to the speaking tube. “Mr. Lawrence, Professor Moreaux would appreciate it if you and your team would secure the engines and join us on the Hurricane deck.”

“Aye sir, though, well, his mechanicals have kind of put off my men somewhat. It might take a minute longer,” came the reply from below.

“Smartly, if you would, I am eager to see the man on his way after all,” Zachary replied dryly. Nothing could be truer.

Evan stepped back from the helm toward the stern of the Hurricane deck and drew a small pistol from inside his jacket. Zachary noticed that he was careful to keep the muzzle pointed towards the deck; he obviously seemed to know how to handle the weapon. The weapon reminded him of an impossibly small version of the boarding pistols he kept in his skychest near his bunk. How he ached to feel one of them in his hand now.

“If you gentlemen would be so kind as to wait over there,” he said as he gestured with it towards the fore of the deck and looked over the rail down to the Pilot deck. Zachary looked from Evan to the steamsoldiers; with their weapons still trained on them they had little choice. He nodded to the rest of his crew and they carefully moved to the railing overlooking the foredeck, keeping their gaze fixed on Evan the whole time.

After a moment Evan called down the hatchway, “Apportez-les vers le haut ici de seargant.”

Zachary could hear some bustling from below and a moment later Mr. Lawrence’s dirty face appeared in the hatchway. Not a hint of fear could be seen in his demeanor; in fact he seemed enthralled by the host that had taken him and his shipmates’ hostage. If Zachary could’ve reached him he likely would have throttled him.

Careful to keep more than arm’s reach away, Evan gestured to where the others were standing. “Over there if you would Engineer. Is this your entire team?”

Timothy nodded, but Evan insisted on keeping his own count as they shuffled by, “One, two, okay, that should be everyone.”

Evan disarmed his pistol and replaced it within his jacket as he strode to the hatchway, on reaching it he turned and called out, “capitaine…”

Zachary gave a start and opened his mouth to answer when one of the steam soldiers shouldered his weapon and came to attention. Evan continued, “nous partons, fassions attention de ces hommes et fermons à clef la trappe derrière vous.”

Without a glance behind him Evan turned and strode through the hatchway, calling to his assistant as he went, “Mr. Pritchard, collect the sentries from their posts and prepare to disembark from the forward…”

Distance faded his voice to nothing. With a sudden and deliberate motion, two of the steamsoldiers came to attention, turned on their heels and marched down the hatchway. A moment later followed by the other two. The hatch slammed shut behind them immediately as they crossed the threshold leaving the crew alone in stunned silence. Zachary and Mr. Christian dashed across the deck to the hatch in unison.

“Locked! They locked it, curse ‘im right to ol’ Hobbe’s front yard!” the boson swore as they wrenched on the hatch’s wheel.

Zachary kicked the hatch in frustration; they were locked up on the Hurricane deck for the moment, giving that treacherous frog the run of his ship. Who knows what sabotage they’ll uncover once they recovered their ship.

Stepping back from the hatch, Zachary calmed himself for a moment and took his boson by the shoulder, firmly pulling him away from the hatchway. “Mr. Christian, make yourself useful with these ropes and climb down to the Foredeck and see if you can work your way around to unlock the hatch from the other side.”

Still glaring at the hatch, he nodded, “Aye sir.”

Grabbing a coil of rope from the corner he jogged back to the foredeck-facing railing. “Give me a little while, I’ll be right there,” he said as he tied the rope to the railing.

“Watch yourself, who knows if any of those machines are still lurking,” Zachary called back to him.

Mr. Lawrence, engrossed in the happenings over the starboard railing said, “No sir, they’re gone.”

Zachary glared at him and joined him at the railing, “what makes you so sure, Mr. Lawrence?”

In the clearing below, he could see Evan, Mr. Pritchard, and twelve of the contraptions he brought with him standing in a small formation as he made a quick inspection of them.

“Well sir,” Mr. Lawrence began, “There was four of ‘em whot took us in the boiler room, I saw four of them up here, and counted four more guarding the stairs between here and there. An’ there be twelve of ‘em right there. Have you ‘ere seen anything like ‘em?”

Zachary spared another rueful glance for his Engineer, “No Mr. Lawrence, I can’t say that I have. What makes you so sure he doesn’t have a few hidden away somewhere to keep us from leaving?”

“Well sir,” the Engineer said, “If that was his plan then why not just leave his cronies up here to keep an eye on us? No, I get the feeling that he isn’t planning on coming back.”

Zachary turned away from the railing and walked back towards the hatchway, “Well good for him, but I’d rather not take that chance.”

Zachary calmed somewhat once he heard the clattering of feet on the metal stairway coming from the other side of the hatch. A moment later the wheel spun, the hatch opened, and Mr. Christian stepped through.

“It looks like we’re all clear Captain, no sign of the mechanical buggers,” he reported once Zachary was standing next to him.

Zachary nodded and said, “Good, I’ll feel better once we can sweep the ship from stem to stern. In the meantime let’s get ready to get underway.”

Mr. Christian grinned and started pulling the rope up that he had used to climb down. Mr. Hendruex went to the helm and stood by. The Engineer, Mr. Lawrence stood by the railing quietly looking at Zachary, an uncomfortable look crossing his features.

“Captain”, Mr. Lawrence broke the uneasy silence, “running at full pow’r all night burned through our coal, we don’t have enough left to get anywhere worth getting to.”

Zachary turned away to look out over the rail at the stands of dead timber on the skyland they had struggled to reach, a look of resignation played across his features.

“Ahhhh, Captain. I don’t want to set one foot on that accursed skyland”, Mr. Lawrence voice trembled with some amount of trepidation. “May be… May be we should set out and try our luck on finding a…”

Zachary turned on him shouting, “Try our luck?! Try. Our. Luck! I don’t know if you’ve noticed it too much Mr. Lawrence but we’ve been pressing our luck pretty thinly these past three days and I will not chance it! Not when there’s timber right here.”

Taking a moment to straighten the collar on his long-coat he continued, “now get your men, get on that hell-born skyland, and cook us up enough charcoal to mix with the good stuff in our bunkers so we CAN get somewhere meaningful.”

Mr. Lawrence bowed his head and mumbled, “yes sir.” He then began to slowly make his way to the hatchway leading below.

Addressing the rest of the men assembled on the foredeck, Zachary continued, “Mr. Gesse, Mr. Christian, Mr. Hendreux, all of you meet me in the armory. And Mr. Lawrence,”

The engineer stopped in the hatchway to look back.

“Stop by the armory yourself before you go. No telling what these squib-suckers will do armed with axes and standing on a skyland that we know they’d rather not be on.”

I have a very dreadful feeling that my French is going to either offend, nauseate, or amuse a good number of people; fix it if you would please

The first phrase is supposed to read; "Bring them up here seargant"

The second phrase is; "captain... we are leaving, pay careful attention to these men, and lock the hatch when you leave."

[HareBrain]

Originally Posted by WafflesToo

Apportez-les vers le haut ici de seargant

nous partons, fassions attention de ces hommes et fermons à clef la trappe derrière vous

The first phrase is supposed to read; "Bring them up here seargant"

The second phrase is; "captain... we are leaving, pay careful attention to these men, and lock the hatch when you leave."

Sergeant, les amenez en haut ici

Capitaine, nous partons; payez l'attention prudente à ces hommes, et verrouillez la couvée quand vous partez

(In both cases I've used the formal rather than the informal)

*Sits back, twiddles thumbs and waits for Chrispy's corrections*

Edit: actually I'm dubious about payez, is that only used for money? In which case it probably would be faissez (but -ez, not -ons)