Excerpt from new project

[HareBrain]

Oog. Now, I liked this, it was engaging and had a good feel for character and family. There were some rough edges, as you know, and some of the roughness was due to matters of punctuation etc that I've pointed out in your earlier piece, so I won't do so again. I assume there's something more than pure clockwork going on with Nana Fleura? Also, I liked the French feel.

But (oh no, a but, how predictable) it reads as though it centres around, and exists purely to introduce, the backstory concept of the thirteen bad guys. And I wonder if you really want to introduce this concept so soon. Granted, it is a hook, since it's an interesting idea. I've been struggling with a similar dilemma in my own stuff - how soon to introduce the truth-behind-the-world. Isn't it more exciting for the reader to not know anything about this coven of magicians at the beginning, and only discover them along with the characters? Although you've set up a mystery here, you've also prevented yourself creating an even more intriguing one (but maybe you've thought this through better than I've given you credit for, in which case apologies).

[WafflesToo]

Hmmmmm... Actually the original intent was to describe the world (basically a broken platonian crystal sphere). The legends of the Thirteen are not exacly unknown to the populace, though most give it about as much credance as say, the existance of Satan.

However, if I put it in writing then the 'Squid is on the Mantel' so to speak. Perhaps it would work better if I were to rework the 'earth shattering kaboom' so as to not mention the 'Big Bads'?

Oh, and it was supposed to have a 'Midnight on the Firing Line' later in the story ^_^

[HareBrain]

Originally Posted by WafflesToo

Hmmmmm... Actually the original intent was to describe the world (basically a broken platonian crystal sphere). The legends of the Thirteen are not exacly unknown to the populace, though most give it about as much credance as say, the existance of Satan.

Yes, but the reader will probably give it a great deal more credence, because they know they are reading a fantasy story in which such things can happen. Depends how you word it I guess. You could call them devils, or something else that feels like it might not be the entire truth?

However, if I put it in writing then the 'Squid is on the Mantel' so to speak. Perhaps it would work better if I were to rework the 'earth shattering kaboom' so as to not mention the 'Big Bads'?

That would be my preferred approach. But then I would probably swap back and forth about two hundred times until I drove myself insane trying to figure out which worked best.

Oh, and it was supposed to have a 'Midnight on the Firing Line' later in the story ^_^

What means that?

[WafflesToo]

Means that the events here would have an impact later in the story that leaves the reader saying, "oh yeah!"

[WafflesToo]

No free time until 2009. All the same, I'm still working on it. Here's the current work on the first chapter, including fixing all of the stuff that was broken with the first version. If you want to skip right to the new content, I highlighted where it starts in red.

enjoy

Zachary James stared at the Maelstrom from the hurricane-deck of his airship Lost Horizon, the drone from her paired steamscrews humming pleasantly in his ears. Such an ancient, terrible thing that it was, like a hundred thousand hurricanes angrily swirling within the aether; A funnel shaped like a squashed hourglass connected the murky depths below to the ragged, swirling span of clouds high overhead. He was certain to be the only fool to ever venture this close to the awe-inspiring and terrible spectacle - that he had done so at the request of another fool with money made him feel all the more foolish. Bringing his spyglass up to his eye he scanned the horizon near it. A series of smaller storms were spawning off of the larger storm and he was sure they were going to cross his path. He turned to his steward. “Go check the barometer if you would Mr. Gesse. I need to know where it is at and whether it is rising or dropping.” The man twitched a slight nod, remained engrossed by the storm a moment longer and calmly left for below decks.


He then addressed another man coiling rope on the foredeck. “Mr. Christian, would you be so kind as to fetch Mr. Lawrence from the boilers? I need to discuss our fuel situation with him.”

The man waved at him to confirm the order and jogged for the nearest hatchway. Looking back to the Maelstrom, and the smaller storms it was spawning, he wondered whether or not his ship could survive contact with such things. He knew damn well they’d never be able to circumnavigate them on the timetable his patron had given him.


By evening the winds howled around the ship, Zachary could only just stand against some of the heavier gusts. A heavy bass note of engines laboring to make headway had replaced the light treble from earlier. “This is madness!” he called to the helmsman, “the Maelstrom needn’t bother trying to wreck us, we’ll do that for ourselves if we don’t turn out of this.”

The helmsman called back over the gale, “Aye sah! Which way do we turn out?” It was all the two of them could do to hold course, the wheel kept trying to tear from their hands, one way then the next. Clouds whipped by both sides of the ship and lightning shot overhead. Zachary yelled back, “We’ll have to watch ourselves, lest we broach and find ourselves inside the Maelstrom itself! Quarter-turn to port as soon as I…”


“That is out of the question!” someone shouted from behind him. Zachary turned around to face the man who had financed this insanity. He had met Professor Evan Moreaux at Abdul only a few weeks before when he had offered him what had sounded like a pretty little exchange: transport him, a colleague, and a cargo to some uncharted skyland that orbited close to the Maelstrom in exchange for what could only be described as a princely sum then and more to follow after the trip was completed. But you had to be alive to spend money.


“Out of the question?” he howled to be heard over the wind. The ship shuddered beneath him and groaned slightly. “The engines are already at full power and we are only just making headway. If we’re not careful we’ll get blown into the Maelstrom and torn apart for sure! It would only mean a slight delay, a day at the most.”


Prof. Moreaux pondered it, pulled what appeared to be a simple pocket watch from his coat, popped it open, and examined it. “No captain, that simply will not do” he said after a moment, “I have already paid you a third what this ship is worth and you assured me that, ‘she could take me right into the heart of the Maelstrom’ if I wished it. We must make that skyland by tomorrow morning, no delays.” He snapped the watch shut and stared into Zachary’s eyes over the reading glasses perpetually perched on his nose as the wind whipped at his long coat.


The ship’s engineer bounded up through the hatch and ran over to the helm where the men were standing. “Captain!” He said breathlessly, “the envelope cover has torn eight feet across forward of bulkhead two. The wind’ll shred the ballyoutes in that area and sink us!” He waited expectantly for a response, his eyes pleaded with Zachary, get us out of here.


Zachary stared back at his friend as the wind tore at the men on the deck. Lightning laced the skies above and below the struggling airship. The sounds of rain, thunder, and wind mixed with the drone of engines and the groan of protesting steel in his ears. His decision was made. “Then get a patching crew and get up there! Don’t waste time telling me about it!”

The engineer looked at him with a shocked expression for a moment before quickly collecting himself and sprinting off down the hatchway, calling to the crew as he went, “Patching kits, on the double! Move it, you louts!”

After he had gone, Zachary addressed the helmsman, “We’re holding course!”

“An excellent decision captain, I knew you would be a man I could trust.” Prof. Moreaux said. He then turned and headed back down the hatchway, calling to his pudgy assistant as he went, “Mr. Pritchard, if you would meet me in the hold, we have much to accomplish before tomorrow.”


This wasn’t about the money any longer; Zachary had to know what was so important on that skyland. It obviously was more valuable than mere money and possibly even the man’s life, and he had to find out why.

…Finally, bleary eyed and exhausted, Zachary saw the sun rising from the horizon. It had been an exhausting night for ship and crew, but they had made it. The weather finally behind them, the crew was half-dozing waiting for the inevitable order to stand-down. He looked from the welcome sight of the sun to his helmsman, himself seemingly unfazed though it all. He looked back and all he said was, “Rough night cap’m?”

Zachary couldn’t help but smile, sometimes he swore that the old helmsman had been through so much there was nothing in the whole sphere that could impress him further. Speaking loudly enough to be overheard, he said, “Mr. Hendruex, when we make the next port the first round is on me, and maybe the second”, while looking around at his exhausted crew.

“I will gladly remind you of it s’ah, though I think most of the younger pups will be eager to be off tah spend the fortune you earned for them last night.” His eyes never left the horizon as he spoke. “Wonder how many will be back on the docks, penniless and looking for work in a years time?” he quietly added.

“As many as wander back to the docks I suppose.” Zachary said, not that he really cared. Money was money, but the skies were always there for those who would brave them. “I’m wondering when a few derelicts will stop cluttering my decks. You worked for my father while he was still alive, and you’re still here. When are you going to enjoy the wealth you’ve earned through the years?”

The helmsman idley ignored the comment, though the look in his eye grew wistful for a moment. Finally, he said, “I’ll stand at my post if it’s all the same to you sa’h.”

“Land-ho!” the cry came from the crow’s nest, “Two-point on the starboard bow!” Leaving the helm, Zachary pulled his spyglass from his jacket and examined their guest’s destination. It was a small lump of a skyland, a spire of rock rising prominently from its center and ringed with dead or dying trees almost all the way to its gravel and rock covered shoreline. An ancient wreck of an airship decorated one side and he could make out peeling gold leaf from the bright work and frameworks jutting from its rotting envelope of what must have been the pride of some fleet during its prime. Its presence added to the ominous feel of the place, even at distance.

“Captain!” Zachary jumped slightly at the voice of his financier, Evan Moreaux, “I must insist that you get this ship out of sight at once!”

[ctg]

Zachary James stared at the Maelstrom from the hurricane-deck of his airship Lost Horizon, the drone from her paired steamscrews humming pleasantly in his ears. Such an ancient, terrible thing that it was, like a hundred thousand hurricanes angrily swirling within the aether; A funnel shaped like a squashed hourglass connected the murky depths below to the ragged, swirling span of clouds high overhead. He was certain to be the only fool to ever venture this close to the awe-inspiring and terrible spectacle - that he had done so at the request of another fool with money made him feel all the more foolish. Bringing his spyglass up to his eye he scanned the horizon near it. A series of smaller storms were spawning off of the larger storm and he was sure they were going to cross his path. He turned to his steward. “Go check the barometer if you would Mr. Gesse. I need to know where it is at and whether it is rising or dropping.” The man twitched a slight nod, remained engrossed by the storm a moment longer and calmly left for below decks.

Now, now. The man watches the storm raging in the horizon. He describes it. Then he forgets that he has ever watched it with awe in his mind as he notices the smaller storms...

I have been quiet about this, because I was so unsure about it. But wouldn't the man, in such a state, only concentrate his mind to the major storm and forget about the 'smaller storms'.

My advice would to forget the smaller storms and only concentrate to describe the maelstrom and it's multiple effects - like other smaller funnels reaching down from the hanging clouds as if they would be writhering serpents.

Prof. Moreaux pondered it, pulled what appeared to be a simple pocket watch from his coat, popped it open, and examined it. “No captain, that simply will not do” he said after a moment,

Watch the sentence. At the moment it reads as if it would come from Professors point of view. Maybe you should alter it like for example this way,

Professor Moreaux frowned, he pulled a pocket watch from his coat to examine it and the horizon. "No captain, that simply won't do," he said after a moment. "I remind you one last time. I have already...

possibly even the man’s life, and he had to find out why.

…Finally, bleary eyed and exhausted, Zachary saw the sun rising

Finally word doesn't fit in my mouth. It's not a good bridge. Maybe remove it?

Thing is that you build a sense of anticipation of the ship heading in the storm, then you don't describe but rather leave it for reader to imagine the horrors the crew faced during the night. Is there any possibility for you to add it? Maybe even in its own chapter?

[WafflesToo]

RE: "Smaller" storms,
Zachary James is the captain, as such he must keep aware of all threats around his vessel. As impressive as the Maelstrom is he is not about ready to sail his ship into it, the "smaller" storms (likely full blown tropical storms bordering on hurricanes) pose the real threat to him. I figured that the steward, Mr Gesse could be allowed the luxury of being fully engrossed by the spectical.

RE: Horrors of the night,
I keep debating this point with myself. I'm worried that I'll fall into the trap of 'false danger' if I put it into writing. It also seems to me that it would add very little to the central storyline (which is the conflict between Zachary and Evan) and artificially lengthen the story (risking boring the reader as they skip ahead to the 'real' story anyway). I was toying with the idea of putting a few bits into the dialogue between Zachary and Mr. Hendreux to help flesh out the ordeal of the night. Something like;

"I thought we were had when she tried to pitch-pole on us", Mr. Hendreux said

Zachary looked to the ruined section of deck where a cleat had been torn off the ship and said, "Good thing Mr. Christian was quick to get the spare air-anchor deployed"

Might be a good compromise between leaving it ALL to the reader's imagination and wandering too far off track.

[ctg]

Waffles, I'm sorry if I offended you, but you build such a good tension with between the captain, his passanger and approaching storm that I see it would be shame to waste such an opportunity. It is the conflicts in the major disasters that really bring out the true characters in the story. Think about Ahab and the Moby-Dick. There's a great tragedy in the play like there is a tradegy in your story where the Professor is determined to venture into the storm despite many of the odds playing against him and the crew of the ship. In same time, the captain is not only worried about the crew and the ship, as he knows that he needs to deliver the Professor in his destination. It's almost like the Professor is Philias Fogg from the Around the World in 80 days. Do you get what I mean?

[WafflesToo]

I certainly hope I don't sound offended because I really wasn't (perhaps just a bit frusterated at having things stalled out ATM because of other-worldly commitments, lol).

I'm still leerie about getting too much into the storm itself because I've seen it mishandled too many times (and I have my doubts whether I could successfully pull it off or not). I guess in my mind, the scene climaxed when Zachary made his decision to hold course and I'm afraid anything I tried to add after that would be anti-climactic.

Still, no harm in writing it out and doing my best with it. Worst thing that'll happen is it will wind up on the cutting-room floor next to that prologue I wrote (but I really liked that prologue). If I wasn't so darned busy right now I'd probably be less resistant to experimenting with it.

...now where can I find a copy of Moby Dick?

[ctg]

Just think about it, put it in back of your mind to stew a bit and when you're ready, give it a go. It might be the best thing you have written. In a meantime, get on to the next chapter and arrival to the port.

[ctg]

Originally Posted by WafflesToo

...now where can I find a copy of Moby Dick?

Moby Dick

[ChrisBfla]

This is a very interesting piece. I liked it. I suppose this is some sort of alternate Earth, using extrapolated Victorian era technology? The image you describe calls to mind the photographs of Jupiter. I can certainly picture in my mind a huge hydrogen filled Zepilin slicing through that churning atmosphere. Do you have more, like complete chapters?

Chris

[WafflesToo]

Here's another chunk from right after they make landfall:

<<<stuff happens and Evan leaves the Maryweather along with Mr. Pritchard>>>

“Captain”, Mr. Lawrence broke the unease, “we don’t have enough coal left to get anywhere worth getting to.”

Zachary turned away to look out at the stands of dead timber on the skyland they had struggled to reach, a look of resignation played across his features.

“Ahhhh, Captain. I don’t want to set one foot on that ‘cursed skyland”, Mr. Lawrence voice trembled with some amount of trepidation. “Mebbe we could set out and try our luck on a…”

Zachary turned on him shouting, “Try our luck?! Try. Our. Luck! I don’t know if you’ve noticed much Mr. Lawrence but we’ve been pressing our luck pretty thinly these past three days and I will not chance it!”

Taking a moment to straighten the collar on his long-coat he continued, “now get your men, get on that hell-born skyland, and cook us up enough charcoal to mix with the good stuff in our bunkers so we CAN get somewhere meaningful.”

Mr. Lawrence bowed his head and mumbled, “yes sir.” He then began to slowly make his way to the hatchway leading below.

Addressing the rest of the men assembled on the foredeck, Zachary continued, “Mr. Gesse, Mr. Christian, Mr. Hendreux, all of you meet me in the armory. And Mr. Lawrence,”

The engineer stopped in the hatchway to look back.

“Stop by the armory yourself before you go. No telling what these squib-suckers will do armed with axes and stuck on a skyland that we know they’d rather not be on.”

I'll do my best to get some more added to this tomorrow. God how I miss sleep

[KESpires]

The biggest technical errors I noticed were some unclear pronouns. When the proprietor enters the picture you're using He instead of his name a few times in the midst of a lot going on. Be wary of pronouns because as we write we know who we intend those actions to be attributed to, but our readers don't. So just examine the places you use He or Him instead of a name and make sure they're clearly showing the proper person acting.

The sentence in question is:

He pondered it, pulled what appeared to be a simple pocket watch from his coat, popped it open and examined it.

In the ending to the prior paragraph the captain was speaking. Using He to begin the next paragraph makes the reader assume you're still with the captain's actions. Instead this is the proprietor's actions. So in this case the proprietor's name instead of He might be best.

Keep up the hard work.

[ctg]

It's good drama, and more emotion over the drama that happened in the night. I still think that 'the voyage through the storm' would be great. If you don't want to write it out as it happens, you can always play it through the thoughts as an flashback sequence. This new excerpt also reads like Jules Verne '80 days around the world' combined to the 'Moby Dick'.