Query Letter Help

[Teresa Edgerton]

Of course I haven't read the book, so I don't really know, but based on what you describe in the query letter, beginning with Podnar and his story does seem like the right decision, since his appears to be the more intriguing storyline.

[The Alamo Avenger]

Ok, after messing around a bit, I decided just to split the story in half. I found that if I tried to take out all of Harlow's thread from the first half, it made the novel lose a lot of it's 'flow.' So the first book will still be about Harlow and Podnar, but I have focused solely on Podnar for the purposes of the query.

Dear ___________;

When Podnar, a Halfac assassin, botches an assignment and ends up conversing with his target, he learns that not only are his dreams much more than just the restless ramblings of his subconscious, but that he has been manipulated for most of his life; he sets off seeking revenge and freedom, but ends up only becoming the pawn of a much larger universal game.

On the planet Halfa lives a race of beings that are telepathically connected to one another via an organ called the vugg. Though there are dozens of tribes, each must adhere to one of the Seven Controls of Sibb Order. Podnar discovers that his vugg was disconnected by the Control of Silence when he was a child. He attempts to bring down this organization but is caught and sentenced to a lifelong exile on Keeneth, a Mijx planet. Some revere the Mijx while others look down on them as non-sentient animals; all agree that they are to be left alone unless one is in a hurry to die. Their eyes, which are shed as they age, are referred to as chitin crystals.

The HiveMother is a planet in her own right; Her children are the Moehtira, creatures that spend their entire lives mapping the universe. They must rejoin with Her at the end of each Epoch to avoid the fatal change that wracks their bodies. Podnar makes his way off Keeneth and tricks the HiveMother into helping him free the Delanii, creatures living in the void that do not breathe oxygen and feed off gamma rays. Though they promise to help him destroy the Corsujian, a race that he believes is blaspheming the Mijx, the Delanii discover that they are able to control the Halfac through the vugg and use Podnar to enslave his people and then force them to mine the chitin. However, a small group of Halfac avoids being captured. Pedn Swage, their spiritual leader, is determined to save their people. Unfortunately Provost Toak Roe does not share the same goal, and soon the two are locked in a battle of wills for the fate of their people while the other races in the universe succumb one by one to the Delanii’s power….

The first six pages of the manuscript along with a one page synopsis immediately follow this letter. Universe Ocean is Book One of a Duology, which is complete at approximately 133,500 words. (Book Two, The Face of Nothing, is also complete.) I would be happy to send the rest of the manuscript upon request. Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work.

Let me know your thoughts.

[ChrisBfla]

Hello:

Take a look at an agency in San Diego, Zak and Company. Seach the web for them. They include a knock out cover letter on their site. Once I knew what agents or publishers were really looking for, I retooled my letter to reflect their suggestions.

Chris

[Teresa Edgerton]

I'm afraid it's still too long. You need to condense the first three paragraphs down into one. I know it's hard, but consider the summary in the query letter a writing exercise the agent sets you, to see how much vital information you can get into a few sentences.

One way of approaching this is to describe the entire plot in a single sentence. That sentence should include who the main character (or group of characters) is, something about him (or them), the main challenge or difficulty -- then the crisis or turning point, and what comes of it.

I'll give you an example:

Frodo the Hobbit and a fellowship of the free peoples of Middle Earth set out to destroy the One Ring of Power; when circumstances divide them, each member of the fellowship must find the courage to fight against the dark lord Sauron in his own way.

OK, so that's not a fabulous piece of writing, but it does condense 1000+ pages into one sentence, with semicolon.

Once you have your sentence you have the essence of your novel, the information that you must tell. Then you expand on it, adding in additional information that you think will hook the agent, and polish it until you have one perfect paragraph.

If you start small and add on, it's easier than starting with something long and trying to cut it down.

[The Alamo Avenger]

I have a quick question. While attending high school (many, many years ago) I completed a correspondence course at the Institute of Children’s Literature. And in my senior year I received a partial college scholarship as a result of a fantasy story that appeared in my school’s paper. Are those things worth mentioning in my query letter? They say you are to write a short writer's bio, but other than that I don't have any publishing credits to list. Since (A) neither of those things are directly related to science fiction, and (B) that was so long ago, should they be left out?

[Teresa Edgerton]

I'd say leave them out, but I think you should ask John Jarrold in his thread ( "Personal" question(s) to John Jarrold. ) He might have a different opinion.

[Boneman]

Hey Alamo ( I remember you.....) If you haven't already, then check this out: Nathan Bransford - Literary Agent: Anatomy of a Good Query Letter He's American and he's with one of the top agents....

[gary compton]

Originally Posted by Boneman

Nathan Bransford - Literary Agent: Anatomy of a Good Query Letter

Is he shaving yet?

He doesnt look old enough to represent himself never mind a budding new writer.

I clicked on his picture, and thought I'd been mislinked to a surfer's who's who.

Thats my opinion though

Usually wrong, and often not right.

[terry j]

this is maybe a bit late into the discussion, but i recently blagged a senior Gollanz editor into vetting a query letter for me in return for a drink. [she speaks about that very subject at cons sometimes so i knew it was right from the horse's mouth.]

the result was 15 mins worth of 1-2-1, while she literally scribbled over my draft, which was far more than i expected, and boiled down to:

make it shorter
only mention the main character by name
make it shorter
use shorter sentences
don't bother saying how it ends
make it shorter

see the idea? if i seem to be overstating, i should also say in that my original draft the paras dealing with the plot, ie the section that was trying to sell the story rather than dear sir-ing or talking about me etc, was already only 120 words. her version came down to 80. and i thought i was concise!

at the end, as she got up to go, trailed by 2 of 'her' authors and a lucky [all right, talented] guy who'd just snagged john jarrold for agent, she was kind enough to say when its finished send it. im still wondering whether that was serious, tho even if it was i guess it'll languish in a slushpile for years. but it did at least suggest that i wasnt too far off with the bit she'd looked at.
so short sentences, and a couple of brief, incredibly concise paras, seem to be it, leaving all the rest to the synopsis at a couple pages? leaving no excuse for her to stop reading before the end? terry

[Boneman]

Waddya mean 'I'm still wondering whether that was serious' ????
You send it off, and talk about 'so nice to meet and talk with you the other day, and HERE IS THE WORK YOU REQUESTED ME TO SEND' or words to that effect......... Take any edge you can get, and boy, in my experience they don't say it if they don't mean it!!! Good Luck!

[SJAB]

Terry;

Take the Lady up on her offer. You have nothing at all to lose by doing so. You have had a door opened for you, just make sure that the work you send is the best you can produce. Such chances are rare, jump at them!

[Teresa Edgerton]

make it shorter

Well, there you go, that's what I've been saying.

[terry j]

thanks for the encouragement.

am editing, ive even got the synopsis down virtually to 2 pages, its taken me a long time to really learn, as in remove head from sand and deal with, the fact that my synopses, and my opening chapters, are too long, but it seems finally to have sunk in. i guess thats why i posted here, in hope someone else wasnt so dense about it. now am wondering about a final reader-reaction before mine throw it out there,

[without rash expectations having got as far as a full manuscript read request once before for a story that didnt make it]

havent got this chronicles thing sorted yet, anyone know if theres a beta reader-type post here? [ a final-read exchange] terry

[TheEndIsNigh]

Teresa:

While we are on the subject of synopsis' -

Is there any correlation between the synopsis that you send to an agent/publisher and the back cover of the the final published work.

[Teresa Edgerton]

Originally Posted by TheEndIsNigh

Is there any correlation between the synopsis that you send to an agent/publisher and the back cover of the the final published work.

There never has been for any of my books. It might happen with a small press publisher, I suppose, but big publishers hire people to write that sort of copy (possibly not their only tasks) and they naturally have their own ideas about what will sell the book.