Query Letter Questions.

[Mharvey]

I was wondering if anyone has experience with query letters, and what works best format wise. Here's the current format I'm using (won't post the actual letter, as I've heard that's frowned upon):

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent:

Please consider my novel for representation.

<Summary paragraph 1, 3 lines>

<Summary paragraph 2, 3 lines>

<Summary paragraph 3, 3 lines>

<Summary Paragraph 4, 3 lines>

<General novel info - Word Count (174,000), setting overview, 3 lines>

<Short Bio/Qualifications>

Thank you for your consideration. I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,
Me

The entire letter is 280 words, single spaced, with a double space in between paragraphs. It all fits on 1 page. I use 12 Times New Roman with 1 inch margins on all sides.

Anything I've forgotten, formatting wise, or any other suggestions are definitely welcome.

[Teresa Edgerton]

We've actually discussed this sort of things many times, and I believe the subject has been covered exhaustively. Here are two of the threads:

Query letter advice
Letter and synopsis

If you use the search function you will find several more.

By the way, who told you that posting your actual letter here would be frowned on? I've never heard that myself, and I can't imagine why it would be.

It really would be easier to comment on your letter if we had an idea of what it actually says.

[Tirellan]

There are a number of excellent agent blogs that discuss query letters in detail. Nathan Bransford, Kristin Nelson, Rachel Vater and the late lamented Miss Snark.
This is also very useful Query Shark

[John Jarrold]

As with so much in publishing, I think a healthy dollop of common sense, and sitting down to think and plan before sending any material out, helps too. What would you want to know from an initial query letter that wasn't going to swamp a publisher or agent with information, but give them a light overview of yourself and your book?

Think about it carefully, then do it. Don't think to the point where you are frozen and micro-managing every word for weeks on end.

[Mharvey]

Originally Posted by Teresa Edgerton

We've actually discussed this sort of things many times, and I believe the subject has been covered exhaustively. Here are two of the threads:

Query letter advice
Letter and synopsis

If you use the search function you will find several more.

By the way, who told you that posting your actual letter here would be frowned on? I've never heard that myself, and I can't imagine why it would be.

It really would be easier to comment on your letter if we had an idea of what it actually says.

Ah, perhaps I misunderstood then. It wasn't someone, but a post I had read that talked about posting more than excerpts of any work that will be submitted to an agent. Plus, I hadn't actually seen anyone else do this.

Here's the actual cover letter:

Please consider my fantasy novel Wolves in the Shadow for publication.

The Great War has ended. The just and noble heroes of House Lorinthal lay dead in shallow graves. Across the land, a new power has risen, led by one known only as the Azure Empress.

From the ashes of devastation, she has taken control of the throne and enslaved the known world. She commands an army greater than any before. Fear and force are her only weapons, and she wields them with impunity.

As she was becoming secure with her power, one of her trusted Prophets forecasted dire news: “Should an heir of Lorinthal ever seat himself upon your throne, your kingdom will be lost, and you will die before he rises again.”

So long as any vestige of the Lorinthal line remains, her war will never end. Inquisitors continue to seek and execute anyone with but a drop of Lorinthal blood. Anyone who could – one day – challenge her for the throne.

Now, only one remains that traces a direct line back to the royal family. Fostered by commoners and raised on the wild frontier of the Empire, a boy has managed to escape the Empire’s notice. Only he can fulfill the prophecy and bring the Empire to its knees.

Wolves in the Shadow is a 174,000 word novel, set in a low fantasy world. Targentia is a dirty, war ravaged kingdom with little magic and splendor. Children grow old quickly and innocence is possessed by few.

I am a 26 year old freelance sports writer, currently on contract with AHN Media. I’ve enjoyed writing stories for as long as I could put letters and words together.

Thank you for your consideration. I hope to hear from you soon.

And thank you, Mr. Jarrold. I made the writing of this letter a 3 day ordeal, sitting down for a few minutes at a time, tweaking the words. I think it's done, but I just want to make sure everything is working in my favor - with the market as hard as it is, I definitely don't want to give agents multiple reasons to pass me over.

[Teresa Edgerton]

I'm not sure why you've divided it up into so many different paragraphs, since some of them could easily be combined.

A more serious problem is that you give all of that background, but only mention your main character in the last few lines (and not even by name), and tell nothing about the plot. Above all, you give no indication why your story is going to be any different from all the other fantasy novels involving a lost heir, a prophecy, and a war-torn land.

It may well be that you have some unique perspective or novel approach to bring to these often-explored themes, but there is no hint of that in your letter, and there really needs to be if you hope to interest an agent of an editor.

[Mharvey]

Thank you very much for your insight. I have re-written the query letter, taking your suggestions - please tell me if you think it's an improvement.

Please consider my fantasy novel Wolves in the Shadow for publication.

The Great War has ended. The noble and just heroes of House Lorinthal lay dead in shallow graves. Across the land, a new power has risen, led by one known only as the Azure Empress. Those who fought her found themselves driven to the very frontier of the Known World. Bandits, plague and starvation were but the beginning of their problems. In a desperate attempt to band together, a new township is formed, led by a priest and marshaled a sellsword. They called it La’Shore.

La’Shore resident Corliss Lorinthal killed his first man at the age of seven. Now a youth of eleven, he has learned that predators lurk in the shadows, and nowhere outside the walls is it safe. What he hasn’t learned is that he’s the true and rightful heir to the throne. Brought to the frontier in secret after his family was put to death, only a handful know his true bloodline. They know not what to do other than keep him safe, and let the boy decide his own destiny.

But, the Empire has taken an interest in the thriving community on the edge of nowhere. When an Imperial detachment shows up to occupy the town, more than just Corliss’s freedom is at stake. His secret becomes endangered as Imperials walk past him down the streets he had fought so hard to defend. It was only a matter of time before his identity was uncovered. Banding together, one last time, La’Shore stands before its greatest threat yet - the entire Imperial northern army descends upon them, to destroy the last vestige of freedom in the land, and execute final legitimate heir to the throne of Lorinthal.

Wolves in the Shadow is a 174,000 word novel, set in a low fantasy world. The entire novel takes place in La’Shore, a town far removed from the relative security the Empire has brought to Targentia. It is a dirty, poor, bandit-ravaged community where children grow old quickly and innocence is possessed by few.

I am a 26 year old freelance sports writer, currently on contract with AHN Media. I’ve enjoyed writing stories for as long as I could put letters and words together.

Thank you for your consideration. I hope to hear from you soon.

[Mr. Lime]

Mharvey- I highly recommend you read through Noah Lukeman's How To Write a Great Query Letter. It is a free e-book download of amazon.com.

However, I will crit your current query.

Make sure to address your query letter to a specific agent. Most won't even read it if they see you don't even have their name down.

Please consider my fantasy novel Wolves in the Shadow for publication.

The Great War has ended.

I'm big on intros and conclusions. Just ask my English teachers. However, in a query, your intro is essentially your first sentence. It's called a hook. The reason we call it a hook is because it should hook the reader. To be perfectly blunt, your intro does not hook me. Probably 90% of the fantasies out there are about some sort of Great War, or Great Battle, or Great Conflict.


The noble and just heroes of House Lorinthal lay dead in shallow graves.
You are providing backstory, I take it?

Across the land, a new power has risen, led by one known only as the Azure Empress. Those who fought her found themselves driven to the very frontier of the Known World. Bandits, plague and starvation were but the beginning of their problems.
More backstory. Here's the problem. All I've gotten so far is that a family of nobles is all but destroyed, and some blue girl is bent on conquering the world. Backstory is only interesting once you've given us character that we care about, and most will tell you to avoid it in a query letter.

In a desperate attempt to band together, a new township is formed, led by a priest and marshaled a sellsword. They called it La’Shore.
The italicized bit does not make sense to me. And you are still giving me backstory.

La’Shore resident Corliss Lorinthal killed his first man at the age of seven.
Yes, yes, another poor boy who lost his innocence early on. But what makes him unique? To be more direct, why should I care?

Now a youth of eleven, he has learned that predators lurk in the shadows, and nowhere outside the walls is it safe.
Good writing doesn't always translate to good query letter writing. Query letter writing is about details, details, details. "Predators lurking in the shadows" and "nowhere outside the walls is safe" tell me very little. If you want to get technical, there also a bit cliche.

What he hasn’t learned is that he’s the true and rightful heir to the throne.
Aha. So we have a boy who lost his innocence early who is actually the last of House Lorinsomething and therefore the rightful heir (You did not make it clear that Lorinwhatever was a royal house). But still, why should we care? Show us something. Show us his character. Set up an interest premise for a conflict. Something.

Brought to the frontier in secret after his family was put to death, only a handful know his true bloodline. They know not what to do other than keep him safe, and let the boy decide his own destiny.

This is a given. I'd delete it all.

But, the Empire has taken an interest in the thriving community on the edge of nowhere.
Why? Seems like an overly convenient plot catalyst to me. Now I want you to read your query up till this point. All that is essentially backstory. This looks like where the action starts.
When an Imperial detachment shows up to occupy the town, more than just Corliss’s freedom is at stake. His secret becomes endangered as Imperials walk past him down the streets he had fought so hard to defend.
Huh? Since when was he defending anything? All we know is that he killed a dude when he was seven and he's the long lost heir.
It was only a matter of time before his identity was uncovered.
General. Tell me what happens.

Banding together, one last time, La’Shore stands before its greatest threat yet - the entire Imperial northern army descends upon them, to destroy the last vestige of freedom in the land, and execute final legitimate heir to the throne of Lorinthal.
I suppose this could work... (Though greatest threat yet doesn't make sense to me. Not only is it kind of cliche, but it seems to me the empire is the only real threat. That's why they're on the frontier, right? Because they've been fighting and were pushed back? Throne of Lorinthal also doesn't make sense. Lorinthal is a noble house. A throne belongs to a country, not a family. IE, The British Throne, not The Throne of Windsor.

Wolves in the Shadow is a 174,000 word novel, set in a low fantasy world.
If I were an agent, this would make me uneasy. You have what seems to me a very long book, in which you've identified one main character, and yet very little is going on. Imperials come in, discover the boy's identity, imperials come back with army.
The entire novel takes place in La’Shore, a town far removed from the relative security the Empire has brought to Targentia.
First time you're mentioning Targentia. This sentence really doesn't do much for your query. I'd delete. By now the agent's probably already decided whether to request or not.

It is a dirty, poor, bandit-ravaged community where children grow old quickly and innocence is possessed by few.
You are telling rather than showing. I'd delete this as well. Like I said, by now the agent's probably already made up his/her mind.
I’ve enjoyed writing stories for as long as I could put letters and words together.
You can leave this I suppose, but I want to make it clear that this is not a credential.

Thank you for your consideration. I hope to hear from you soon.
I'd delete the italicized.

So, now I'm going to try to write a query to serve as an example for you. I tell you in advance, it will be very rough, because I am writing it in all of five minutes. Ready? Good.

Dear Agent Name,

Corliss can't remember the faces of his parents, and that scares him more than anything. He lives in the small town of La'Shore, on the edge of the known world, with bandits, rogues, and other enemies of the ever expanding Empire as his company. The legions of the Azure Empress come promising amnesty in return for fealty. Peace is within reach, but then the commander catches sight of the Corliss - who bears an uncanny resemblance to a man he'd personally killed years before. The commander leaves with a smile on his face, and returns with the whole Imperial army by his side. The last heir to the subjugated kingdom of ____ shall die.

Wolves in the Shadow is a 174,000 word novel, set in a low fantasy world.


I am a 26 year old freelance sports writer, currently on contract with AHN Media. I’ve enjoyed writing stories for as long as I could put letters and words together.

Thank you for your consideration.

[Teresa Edgerton]

It's much better, Mharvey, but there is still too much backstory, and as Mr. Lime says, you're not giving much idea of a plot that could fill an 174,000 word novel. Surely there is more to the action of the novel than that.

You have the basics, who your main character is, what makes him worth reading about, and what the challenge is that he has to face. Rework that part to make it as interesting as possible, and forget the backstory. All that comes later, in the synopsis.

Also, leave out the part about how you've been writing since you were first able to put words on paper. It's a cliché, it's irrelevant, and it's probably true of 90% of the writers who submit a manuscript for publication. I'm not too sure about that part about being a sports writer, either, since it has so little to do with novel writing or this particular story.

I have a question to ask you: Is this a query letter that you mean to send out on it's own, or is it going to agents who have asked for a synopsis and/or a partial? If it goes on it's own, it still needs a little trimming. But if it's just a cover letter, it's much too long. A cover letter should always be short and business-like.

[Troo]

Originally Posted by Mr. Lime

So, now I'm going to try to write a query to serve as an example for you. I tell you in advance, it will be very rough, because I am writing it in all of five minutes. Ready? Good.

Dear Agent Name,

Corliss can't remember the faces of his parents, and that scares him more than anything. He lives in the small town of La'Shore, on the edge of the known world, with bandits, rogues, and other enemies of the ever expanding Empire as his company. The legions of the Azure Empress come promising amnesty in return for fealty. Peace is within reach, but then the commander catches sight of the Corliss - who bears an uncanny resemblance to a man he'd personally killed years before. The commander leaves with a smile on his face, and returns with the whole Imperial army by his side. The last heir to the subjugated kingdom of ____ shall die.

Wolves in the Shadow is a 174,000 word novel, set in a low fantasy world.


I am a 26 year old freelance sports writer, currently on contract with AHN Media. I’ve enjoyed writing stories for as long as I could put letters and words together.

Thank you for your consideration.

THIS is the query letter you should be sending out, Mharvey.

Spot on, Mr. Lime!

[Mharvey]

Wow. Thank you all so much for taking the time to help me out, especially you Mr. Lime, for dissecting that piece by piece and showing me what I'm doing wrong. I'm going to be book marking your post and referring to this constantly for the next few days: "An expose on what *not* to do in a Query Letter."

I will also pick up that e-book by Noah Lukeman.

So far, this was going to be the query letter I send out to agents who are not asking for anything else. My "attack plan" was to query agents using AgentQuery, and start reverse alphabetical order, querying the agents who only request the query letter first. Figured they'd be the quickest to get back to me. Then, on the second pass, work out a Synopsis as well as an Outline for those requesting a bigger package.

Once I've played around with this a little longer, and read that book, I will take another shot at this.

[Mharvey]

After devouring that book - awesome read, I must say - I sat down and reworked my query, using all of Mr. Lukeman's advice, as well as the tips you all provided me with. Here's what I've come up with: please let me know if this continues to be an improvement.

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent

I am writing to you because you represented TITLE by Author, and I feel my book is similar. My novel, WOLVES IN THE SHADOW, is a low fantasy novel, written in the same vein as Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian stories.

Life's never easy, growing up on the frontier of a kingdom, and the young protagonist's is no exception. Yet, he had those who loved him, even to the final moments before their executions. First, his foster family, then his 12 year old best friend. The truth was known only to a handful: he was the true heir to the throne - a line thought to have been eliminated 11 years before by the new, corrupt Imperial government. Little did he know, his scent had been caught by cunning wolves the Imperial Inquisitors brought to bear during their genocide. The Empire will not rest until everyone his town is burned to ashes and anyone who ever protected him is eradicated.

I’m a 26 year old freelance writer. I’ve written hundreds of syndicated articles for AHN MEDIA and other newspapers, and am currently pursuing a masters degree in Journalism from Harvard.

Thank you for any consideration you give this query. I hope to hear from you soon.

[Troo]

Read Mr. Lime's example, then yours, and tell me exactly why Mr. Lime's succeeds at gripping the reader's attention where yours does not.

Stop presenting facts, Mharvey. Take your reader in and bludgeon them until they want to part with money!

[Mharvey]

Fair enough Troo. I reread Mr. Lime's query letter a dozen times - I think it's the ability he has to convey so many details, yet weave a few ghost scenes at the same time. We're not being told about the novel, we're being shown it... the same way a movie preview works. Clips: a scared boy, a smiling soldier, the promise of death.

I just wrote up 3 paragraphs in a similar vein - and I will write up 30 more until I'm convinced I've got this right. Of the 3, I think this is the best. I have little to no experience writing marketing piece for my writing - so, thus far, this has been incredibly informative. I'm sure this is a step in the right direction: let me know how it compares.

Dear Mr./Ms. Agent

I am writing to you because you represented TITLE by Author, and I feel my book is similar.

Everyone Corliss knew believed, and that scared the hell out of him. So many had paid the price for their faith. First, it was his brother, shot to death in the snowy wasteland. Then, his mother, murdered in her sleep. His father and best friend followed soon after, tossed over the side of a raft to drown in a freezing river. Yet, hundreds more still stand by his side, each ready to pay the same price. Outside the walls, an army that stretches the horizon marches on them. There would be no quarter, not for the true, rightful heir of the throne, and any who stood by his side.

My novel, WOLVES IN THE SHADOW, is a low fantasy novel, written in the same vein as Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian novels.

I’m a 26 year old freelance writer. I’ve written hundreds of syndicated articles for AHN MEDIA and other newspapers, and am currently pursuing a masters degree in Journalism from Harvard.


Thank you for your consideration.

[Mr. Lime]

Thanks Troo. I’ve had a lot of practice. :P

No problem Mharvey, I’m happy to help. Querying agents via agent query is good, but considering that multiple people at some of the larger agencies might accept fantasy (and it is looked down upon to query two agents at the same agency simultaneously) , you will also want to reference their websites for additional information.

I will concentrate on the latest query. Also, when I was first starting out query writing, I was just as impatient as you. Take a deep breath. Relax. The hard part, believe it or not, is done. You wrote a novel (pretty massive one, I might add :P), and have likely spent a large amount of time editing and revising. Now all you have to do is write a pesky little query. Take your mind off it for a while. Do something with your friends, go out to dinner, watch a movie. (I would recommend finishing a synopsis/outline before you query, as some agents will request them anyway in addition to sample chapters.)


Additionally, one of the best ways to learn how to write queries is to read and critique them.
If you search absolute write forums you should find the site in question. (I am not allowed to post links, lol). This is a great resource when it comes to that sort of thing. Look under Share Your Work, and find the Query Letter Critique board.
So now, without further ado, onto your query.

On the whole, I like it, and it’s certainly a step in the right direction. However, there is one glaring flaw. You choose to develop the character at the expense of the plot. You don’t spend much time on the events of the book. We know there is a battle looming, but we don’t know how it came about, which I assume from previous queries makes up a substantial part of your book. This is potentially misleading. An agent may request pages, based off this query, expecting you to pick up right then and there and instead find that the boy doesn’t even know who he is yet.

Furthermore, the whole faith thing is a little difficult for me to swallow. Faith is generally something associated with religion, while being the legitimate heir to the throne is more of a political matter. I really don’t see how the two intertwine. Is Corliss a messiah? Or the rightful king? Or both? To me, this is unclear.

currently pursuing a masters degree in Journalism from Harvard.
Can’t believe you left that out! Drop names man. Especially names like that. Do anything and everything to get that agent’s attention
Also, I will reply to your pm here because I am not allowed to reply in a normal fashion (post count is not high enough.)

I just wanted to thank you again for your very critical response to my query letter.
No problem. I am happy to help. Query writing is a skill that takes some time to develop, and I myself am hardly a master either.

1. Lukeman doesn't seem to speak much of Word Counts in his query letter. Do you think one can stand alone without them?
Here is my opinion on word counts. Please note, there will very likely be a lot of people who disagree with me. However, in my opinion, only state a word count if it doesn't hurt you to do so. To be perfectly honest with you, what I've read here on these forums (regarding word counts) directly conflicts with what I've read on other forums/agent blogs. I don't know who is right or who's wrong. More than likely they're both right. However, a lot of agents may be put off by such a large word count. If I were in your shoes, (and again, I'm hardly an expert), I'd leave out the word count altogether. Here's why.

-The word count is a fairly minor detail in a query letter.

-If the rest of the description draws the agent in, he will request sample pages. Putting in a word count might make him stop and think and possibly hurt your chances.

I can tell you from my own experience that even if an agent explicitly says to state the word count on his/her website, they will still request sample pages even if you fail to do so if your premise interests them.

2. I've received conflicting information in the past about references to other works/characters. Lukeman believes it's important to establish these, in fact mandatory, while others have said that comparing to other works suggests that your work isn't strong enough to stand on its own. What's your take on that?
To be honest, its not entirely necessary, but I don't think it can hurt. Especially if you compare yourself to novels that are currently out there right now, and selling well.

Again, thanks so much for the recommendation - this book was a great read.
No problem. I'm glad you enjoyed it.