Now you'll know...

[BookStop]

Any and all comments welcome. Does it grab you? Are there enough details to picture the action? Any grammer issues?


Prologue

Will’s heart began to thump before he even opened his eyes. For a moment, he lay perfectly still while the last wisps of dream faded. A crash of breaking glass and splintering wood from his parent’s room shocked him into motion. He shot himself out of bed, and was in the hall, hand on his parent’s doorknob before he knew he had reacted at all.

A shot rattled the house as Will opened the door. A flash of brown torso and a thick mane of hair shoved his father aside and disappeared through the open bathroom door. As if still in a dream, the edges of the room swam. The broken window let in the night breeze and the blood-red curtains billowed in it. His mother stood between the bedroom door and the nightstand, light from the hall illuminating her fear-crazed eyes.

“Mom,” Will forced the word from his paralyzed throat. Both his mother and his father glanced his direction. The intruder shot from the bathroom, clearing the bed, and struck his mom from behind as she reached for Will. A gunshot punched through the attacker’s body and flung him aside. Will’s mother, pushed forward by the assailant, fell onto Will, pinning him momentarily underneath her body.

His mother sat back and pulled Will to her chest, nearly squeezing the air out of him, as she gasped in shock and pain. Will could smell her shampoo coming at him in the waves of her pounding heart.

His father crossed the room, stood over the attacker, and extended his gun.

“Now you’ll know…”, wheezed the man as one great gush of blood spewed from his lips. He was still.

His father gathered Will and his mother into a stifling embrace.

“Are you ok?”

His father started to lead them into the lighted hall, but stopped. He pulled his hand into the light. Fresh ruby colored blood lay pooled in his cupped palm.

“Mary, oh Mary,” His father looked at her shoulder and tears sprang from his eyes. “It bit you.”

His father began to pull Will from her arms, but her gripped tightened as she tried to back into the bedroom.

“Nick…no,” her voice faltered.

Will’s father’s arms enveloped him and dragged him back toward the open door, and giving a jerk, pulled him from his mother’s grasp.
“Mom!”, squealed Will as he tried to push forward to grab her again.

His father flung him around the doorjamb, into the hall, as another shot pierced the night.

Will lay sprawled on the carpet as dots of color danced before his eyes. He peered behind him back towards his room. His sister stood, statue-like, pressed against the wall on the other side of his doorway, her face pale and mouth open in shock. Her eyes followed Will’s back to the door of their parent’s room as their father came into the hall.

Their father gathered Will and Mina up and ran from the hall, through the kitchen, and out the back door to the carport.

“Mom?”, whispered Will as they were loaded into the back seat of the car, but his father never answered.

[pyan]

Prologue

Will’s heart began to thump before he even opened his eyes. For a moment, he lay perfectly still while the last wisps of dream faded. A crash of breaking glass and splintering wood from his parent’s room shocked him into motion. He shot himself

Don't think you need "himself" there

out of bed, and was in the hall, hand on his parent’s doorknob

perhaps "on the knob of his parent's door"

before he knew he had reacted at all.
A shot rattled the house as Will opened the door. A flash of brown torso and a thick mane of hair shoved his father aside and disappeared through the open bathroom door.

an awful lot of doors around here..perhaps "disappeared into the bathroom"

As if still in a dream, the edges of the room swam. The broken window let in the night breeze and the blood-red curtains billowed in it. His mother stood between the bedroom door and the nightstand, light from the hall illuminating her fear-crazed eyes.
“Mom,” Will forced the word from his paralyzed throat. Both his mother and his father glanced his direction. The intruder shot from the bathroom, clearing the bed, and struck his mom from behind as she reached for Will.

Somewhat confusing whether "shot" refers to the movement or an actual shot

A gunshot punched through the attacker’s body and flung him aside. Will’s mother, pushed forward by the assailant, fell onto Will, pinning him momentarily underneath her body.
His mother

"She" rather than repeat "His mother"?

sat back and pulled Will to her chest, nearly squeezing the air out of him, as she gasped in shock and pain. Will could smell her shampoo coming at him in the waves of her pounding heart.

Somewhat of an odd image there...

His father crossed the room, stood over the attacker, and extended his gun.

“Now you’ll know…”, wheezed the man as one great gush of blood spewed from his lips. He was still.

His father gathered Will and his mother into a stifling embrace.

“Are you ok?”

His father

He

started to lead them into the lighted hall, but stopped. He pulled his hand into the light. Fresh ruby colored blood lay pooled in his cupped palm.

“Mary, oh Mary,” His father looked at her shoulder and tears sprang from

I'd have said to

his eyes. “It bit you.”

His father

"He", again

began to pull Will from her arms, but her gripped

"grip"

tightened as she tried to back into the bedroom.

“Nick…no,” her voice faltered.

Will’s father’s arms enveloped him and dragged him back toward the open door, and giving a jerk, pulled him from his mother’s grasp.
“Mom!”, squealed Will as he tried to push forward to grab her again.
His father flung him around the doorjamb, into the hall, as another shot pierced the night.

Will lay sprawled on the carpet as dots of color danced before his eyes. He peered behind him back towards his room. His sister stood, statue-like, pressed against the wall on the other side of his doorway, her face pale and mouth open in shock. Her eyes followed Will’s back

comma after "Will's", or it reads as if it's the opposite of Will's front...

to the door of their parent’s room as their father came into the hall.

Their father

He, again

gathered Will and Mina up and ran from the hall, through the kitchen, and out

of

the back door to the carport.

“Mom?”, whispered Will as they were loaded into the back seat of the car, but his father never answered.

Interesting. Is the phrase “It bit you.” a teaser or something, because it really intrigued me...

[BookStop]

Thanks, Pyan. Mostly, I have to say I agree with what you've pointed out.

I'm wondering if there might be confusion as to the children's ages. Sure, to me it's obvious they are fairly small, but I originally had the older sister holding a bear to emphasize her young age, but I took it out as unnecessary. Now I'm unsure.....

[chopper]

pyan's got everything i saw too. i like the show-don't-tell hook here.

[Grinkgor-Badaxe]

Nice piece Bookstop, i like it and it did grab my attention with it's fast pace but no answers flow.

As for grammer i'm pretty terrible at it myself and it usually takes me over three drafts to perfect a peice of my own writing never mind anyone else's.

I would love to see were this goes and what ideas you have for it.

Grinkgor

[Barney]

I think the scenario has promise, but I agree with the previous posts.
I think it is a little cluttered. There seem to be too many repetitions of mother and father and which door belongs to who.
I think we get the impression clearly enough that a young child is living in a house with a couple of adults (i.e. parents) so make your description simpler, we will still get the family set-up.
Concentrate on the more interesting bit, the werewolf/monster that Dad was blasting away at! (also who got bit I wasn't sure about that?)

[Barney]

Yeah. Get it now. Mom got bit, WOW i'm thick sometimes.

[ysabara]

I won't comment on grammar or anything.....I'll just say I really liked the story and there was some great imagery in there. Good stuff!

[Grimward]

Nice job, BookStop. Will admit to wandering absent-mindedly into this thread, but your very short excerpt reached up and grabbed my attention front and center. It's not often that a piece this short can hook so quickly, must say you've got something here....