[Work in Progress] Novel Prologue

[PenDragon]

I would really appreciate feedback of any kind as this is a work in progress. This is the ist draft (just finished) of the Prologue for my Fantasy Novel.


A brief explanation...

The Names are placeholders and will be replaced eventually (some of the names are too similar). Also these are not main characters and won't actually appear in the Novel (you should guess why pretty soon). I'm bound to rewrite this as soon as I start on the novel proper so nothing is set in stone. The novel itself will be gritty, dark sword & Sorcery with magic being low key. So I'm not sure if this Prologue is too magical and might be misleading.

Oh and it isn't finished. This draft stops just as the characters who do appear in the novel are about to be introduced via dialogue/vision.

I'd really appreciate some feedback as I struggled with this and it was a bit laboured in the writing and didn't flow at all. Anything to help with 2nd draft would be good.

Cheers Lee.

****
Prologue



Those that were called The Seven, sat under a blue black blanket of sky and stars. The fire around which they sat was bright, warm, and flicker fierce. Around them only the darkness of the void. For a long time no one spoke.

When the silence was broken, it was with a sigh not a word.

Uluth sighed like only the old can. He nodded, then to no one in particular said, "yes, yes, yes." Then he sighed again. His eyes lupine yellow glowed with the twin sparks of firelight and mischief. He straightened himself as if about to say something of import. Then slouched into another good long sigh.

Two dark eyes met Uluth’s across the fire. Brak upright and proper showed his disdain for the old man with the merest narrowing of his eyes. To Uluth’s left side the soft round eyes of the plump red faced motherly Mura, held reproach but affection in equal measure.

To Ulath’s right sat Lughdah, the warrior of a thousand faces. He spoke the first words.

"The pieces are set. The game begins."

Lughdah spoke softly, firelight dancing across his face. Each flicker, each cast of shadow revealed a new face. The Features of warriors’ young and old, grim and wild, warriors past, present, and future, mingled and blurred.

Each face spoke with it’s own words, adding a strange hypnotic timbre to Lughdah’s voice. Vivid tribal tattoos snaked across his knotted muscular form, making and unmaking themselves in a myriad of spiral shapes and designs. Dead white scars, angry red welts and open blood-gushing wounds appeared and disappeared as quickly as his changing faces.

To the left of the stern stiff backed Brak, a cold but stunning creature of beauty Claridice sat imperious. There was a sharp predatory grace to her features and her voice, cold and clipped, suited her.

"Yet none know the rules."

Brak answered his voice a heavy, confident growl.

"There is only one rule. Win." He nodded at Lugdah as he spoke.

The one they called Lushan chuckled; his bright eyes and childlike singsong voice making Brak grind his teeth.

"Don’t you enjoy the playing Brak?"

Mura folded her arms across her huge udder like breasts, her smile indulgent.

"Lushan don’t tease Brak. This is no child’s game after all my child."

Lushan shrugged his shoulder, plucked two stars from the night sky, and started to juggle them.

"But Mura, if we have to play why not enjoy it."

Mura shook her head, but still smiled at Lushan.

"You’re a fool Lushan," hissed the final voice, soft, and sibilant but sharp as steel, cutting through the night as it’s owner Marlak leant forward out of the darkness to let the fire shed light on his face.

Lushan shrugged again and flicked the two stars back into the heavens. They streaked across the night sky before bursting into brilliant specks of light above Mura’s head.

"Not a fool Marlak, the fool."

Marlak nodded, clacking his talons in front of him, millions of tiny eyes fixed on Lushan, and foul venom dripped from a mouthful of tiny needle like teeth as Marlak spoke again.

"I always liked you Lushan."

Brak growled a long threatening drawl of a curse. Claridice arched two perfect eyebrows at him.

"Do you realise you do that out loud Brak?"

Brak cleared his throat, looked into the fire.

"Who do you favour Lughdah?"

Lughdah’s face flickered and snapped until the features settled on one ancient age lined weather-beaten face.

"I favour the people of the plains and tribes. Their ways are simple but good."

Ulath nodded in ascent.

"I agree, they live well with the spirits of my great herds. They take no more than they need. They hold the animals sacred, and honour them even as they hunt them."

Mura adjusted her great girth and spoke "The people also honour the earth, trees and the sacred lakes. This pleases me."

Lushan grimaced. "Ugh, nature, all that grubbing about in dirt. Give me civilisation, white carved marble, incense, and sacrifice. Now that is honour."

"Civilisation Lushan? I thought it was the grape that you loved most in the cities of men. That and their women." Even as she smiled, Claridice’s gaze was full of wintry contempt.

"Yes, yes Lushan," Marlak said slurping in venom through the gaps in his teeth, "I don’t remember anything very civilised about your last visit to a city."

Lushan just winked at Claridice.

Brak gruff and business like pushed talk back to the main concern.

"Despite his reasons, Lushan is right. What about the great cities and Empires? What of the builders? They are many more than the people of the tribes, and their achievements greater in number and scope."

"War, greed and debauchery are hardly achievements Brak."

"There is more to the empires and deeds of the many, than that mother Maru."

"Those that play the game will come from many places, besides who we favour will matter little in the end." Ulath finished with another long sigh.

His missive was greeted by a murmur of agreement from the other six. They sat again in silence for sometime the only sound that of the crackle and snap of the fire.

It was Maru who broke the silence at last.

"In the end we are little more than seven watchers. Ulath dear one, can you look into the flames for us."

"Yes," said Brak, "can you see who will play the game for us?"

"Can you read the opening moves?" Asked Lugdah with three different voices.

"I will try."

Ulath stared into the flames and began a low chant, head nodding, an overlong tongue lolling through sharp canines, yellow piercing eyes gazed into the heart of the fire with animal fierceness and sweat trickled from his white-grey hair line down his brown leathery wrinkled skin.

"In the beginning they will run. Pursued by many enemies, driven before armies, betrayed by loved ones, driven by the rain, smashed by waves, burnt by the sun, forlorn, hopeless, and defeated. But then they will turn and they will fight…"

[PenDragon]

Anyone?

[jenna]

hi PenDragon, i just saw this, but don't have time to read and critique it tonight, i'll sit down and read through it properly and reply tomorrow after work

[jenna]

hmmm well i think it does need a bit of work, but the bones seem to be down and in the right place, for the most part.

Originally Posted by PenDragon

Those that were called The Seven, sat under a blue black blanket of sky and stars. The fire around which they sat was bright, warm, and flicker fierce. Around them only the darkness of the void. For a long time no one spoke.

When the silence was broken, it was with a sigh not a word.

Uluth sighed like only the old can. He nodded, then to no one in particular said, "yes, yes, yes." Then he sighed again. His eyes lupine yellow glowed with the twin sparks of firelight and mischief. He straightened himself as if about to say something of import. Then slouched into another good long sigh.

Two dark eyes met Uluth’s across the fire. Brak upright and proper showed his disdain for the old man with the merest narrowing of his eyes. To Uluth’s left side the soft round eyes of the plump red faced motherly Mura, held reproach but affection in equal measure.

i think these first 4 paragraphs need a bit more punch. i was going to suggest pulling most of it, but i do like the desciptive you've used and i wouldn't want to delete it all together. maybe if you took out just the 3rd paragraph it would work better. i just think that because it's the prologue and the first thing we read, it needs to really draw you in, so i would suggest getting to the dialogue faster.

Originally Posted by PenDragon

"The pieces are set. The game begins."

Lughdah spoke softly, firelight dancing across his face. Each flicker, each cast of shadow revealed a new face. The Features of warriors’ young and old, grim and wild, warriors past, present, and future, mingled and blurred.

Each face spoke with it’s own words, adding a strange hypnotic timbre to Lughdah’s voice. Vivid tribal tattoos snaked across his knotted muscular form, making and unmaking themselves in a myriad of spiral shapes and designs. Dead white scars, angry red welts and open blood-gushing wounds appeared and disappeared as quickly as his changing faces.

this is where the piece starts to pick up. the opening line of dialogue is perfect, and i like the third paragraph here a lot. all i would change is in the 2nd paragraph, i would put a dash or a semi colon after "grim and wild" instead of a commar.

Originally Posted by PenDragon

To the left of the stern stiff backed Brak, a cold but stunning creature of beauty Claridice sat imperious. There was a sharp predatory grace to her features and her voice, cold and clipped, suited her.

"Yet none know the rules."

the first paragraph is a bit awkward. i would change it to perhaps:
"To the left of the stern, stiff backed Brak sat the imperious Claridice - a cold but stunning creature of beauty. There was a sharp predatory grace to her features, and her cold and clipped voice suited her well."

also, that line of dialogue confused me for a second. it's been a few paragraphs since the line she is referring to, so it seems a bit lost. maybe you could change it to:
"The game has begun and yet none know the rules?" that makes it seem kind of like an accusation actually. i'm not sure if that's the sort of vibe you want right here from Claridice, but i think it fits in with what we've seen from her personality.

Originally Posted by PenDragon

"Lushan don’t tease Brak. This is no child’s game after all my child."

this line was a little confusing too, with the use of "child" twice. maybe you could just lose "my child", and have it:
"This is no child's game after all."

Originally Posted by PenDragon

Lushan shrugged his shoulder, plucked two stars from the night sky, and started to juggle them.

"But Mura, if we have to play why not enjoy it."

i really like these two paras.

Originally Posted by PenDragon

"You’re a fool Lushan," hissed the final voice, soft, and sibilant but sharp as steel, cutting through the night as it’s owner Marlak leant forward out of the darkness to let the fire shed light on his face.

i think if you changed it to:
"you're a fool Lushan," Hissed the voice of Marlak, soft and sibilant but sharp as steel. It cut through the night as it's owner leant out of the darkness to let the fire shed light on his face."
that would work better, just because it's unclear as to who is speaking. i thought it was Mura, until i got to the name Marlak.

Originally Posted by PenDragon

Lushan shrugged again and flicked the two stars back into the heavens. They streaked across the night sky before bursting into brilliant specks of light above Mura’s head.

"Not a fool Marlak, the fool."

Marlak nodded, clacking his talons in front of him, millions of tiny eyes fixed on Lushan, and foul venom dripped from a mouthful of tiny needle like teeth as Marlak spoke again.

i love these paras too. although i would change the second use of Marlak's name in the third paragraph to "he".

after these bits i think it's good, although you need is to revise the punctuation, which shouldn't be too hard.
also, i think it's a good idea if you change the names like you said you were going to. they are very similar, and with 7 names introduced in such a short space they need to be quite starkly different so we can differentiate between characters.

hope this has helped!

[PenDragon]

Thanks Jenna,

Very helpful and much appreciated. I'll post a rewrite later.

Cheers