The Beginning of a (long!) Short Story

[Cal20]

Hey everyone

Haven't posted something in a while so I decided to post what I've written so far on a story I'm working on. I intend to make it a long short story (!), not a complete novel. Looking for general feedback but my main goal is to grab the attention of the reader from the beginning, keep that attention going and hopefully begin to flesh out my world in those paragrapphs (not my strongpoint). Thanks in advance for your time and comments - Cal20

The mottled light sneaked in through the gaps in the thin curtains and woke him. Scrunching up his face in displeasure and muttering ‘Bloody sun’, he closed up the gaps with a wave of his hand. The sun, however, persisted to shine and was now so bright that the thin piece of fabric ,ay as well not have been there. Thoroughly disgruntled and now completely awake, Shekan pulled himself from the warmth of the bed. Maybe it was incorrect to call it a bed, more a pile of straw and rags, but at least it had been warm - something Shekan had not experienced of late.

Grabbing a nearby bucket Shekan emptied it’s contents over his face, the icy water splashing away any traces of sleep. Drying off with a small rag, Shekan quickly dresses and left the shed, intent on obtaining some sort of breakfast. An almost deserted field greeted him as he walked on the sodden grass. It had rained heavily the previous night and the heavy sun had yet to make an affect on the drenched earth. As he deftly jumped over the gate, the lone horse neighed it’s disapproval at his appearance. He decided not to dignify it with a response, damn animals were never happy.

Walking at a quick pace, he had soon left the shed and horse far behind. He heard the village before he saw it - the clinking of dishes, shouts of greeting, barking of dogs and drip-drop of a nearby river. The village was a small one, a dozen or so houses, half as many shops and all in a hap-hazard circle with the church in the centre. A standard village structure for this side of the Realm. Not only did the church serve as a place of faith and worship, it protected the village people in times of need. Local wizards and witches lived there and it was used as a sanctuary if the village came under attack. The wizards and witches would create enough magic to protect those inside the church, thus making it a safe haven.

At least that was what it was like in village and cities where they had enough wizards or even a few who had a lot of power. The tiny town where Shekan had grown up had had no wizards at all; hence why he wasn’t there anymore, and either was anyone else. He shuddered at the memory. This village may have been small but it was the biggest one Shekan had passed through in almost a week. Using his eyes and nose, he searched for a bakery or anywhere with hot food on offer. Saliva rushed into his mouth at the thought of fresh, hot bread. For several weeks he had been living on what he could find and the generosity of strangers. The food he had gathered to take with him before he left had long since been depleted. He did have some money but he thought it better to save it for more important things than food. However, freshly-made bread was a temptation he could not quite resist. He found the bakery easily, nestled in between a house and some sort of workshop. The smells were overwhelming. Bread of varying shapes and types lined the shelves, as well as buns, pastries and cakes. Shekan bought two large loaves of plain white bread, stowing most of it away in the bag on his back for the days ahead.

Slowly chewing his lump of bread, Shekan began to survey the village. The people seemed happy, the children healthy, what animals he saw were well-fed. Every person he met had been friendly; it seemed like the kind of place that would accept a stranger. Shekan was hopeful. Allowing himself to smile about the thought of sleeping in a bed, he made his way toward the church. As well as being the place of worship and protection, the church was the place to go to find a job and lodgings in a village. This church was a particularly nice one. Sunlight streamed through the stained-glass windows, wild flowers crawled up along the sides and once inside, Shekan was almost overpowered by the smell of lavender. Sprigs of the sweet-smelling shrub sat at the end of each pew. Because of this, Shekan expected females and was surprised when two wizards appeared through a door from the back of the altar.

“Welcome!”, one of them said in a booming voice. He was wearing deep grey robes, and had a beard to match. The other one was younger, and wore light blue robes. “I take it you are here looking for somewhere to stay?”, the older one asked.
“Yes”, Shekan replied. “And a job if there’s one to be had.”
“I’m sure we’ll find something. My name is Victor and this is my son Jensen. We are the two wizards of this village. My daughter, Ava, is also a witch here but has yet to fully complete her training.” Ah, Shekan thought, lavender-girl! Victor extended his hand in greeting. Shekan shook it, and then Jensen’s.
“I’m Shekan. It doesn’t bother me where I stay but as for a job I’m good with horses and animals in general.” Shekan hoped that job weren’t scarce, after all the village was small and it didn’t look like it needed extra workers. He really could do with the money, and now that he’d tasted fresh bread again he knew he wouldn’t want to give it up anytime soon.

“Well then, there should be work at the stables for you. They’re in need of an extra stable-hand at the minute”, Jensen told him. That sounded promising. Shekan was starting to like this place.

[third_eye]

Nice read!

A couple of small things i noted:

,ay as well not have been there

You lost an m.

It had rained heavily the previous night and the heavy sun had yet to make an affect on the drenched earth.

Heavily and heavy very close to each other.

hence why he wasn’t there anymore, and either was anyone else.

Neither


About the story, I think you pull off your descriptions of the surroundings very well, it's easy to imagine what your world looks like. On the other hand, depending on how long you're making the story, I can't say that it really grabbed my attention during these first paragraphs. It's a pleasant read with a nice flow, but there's no actual plot introduced. Perhaps it'd be nice to learn a bit more about Shekan, who he is and what he's up to. But if this is only a fraction of the story that's not really a problem, I'm sure you'll get to it soon enough, that's just my spontaneous thought.

Looking forward to another part, keep it up!

[Cal20]

Thanks a lot for your comments Third Eye, they all make sense. I'll keep working on it: ) -Cal20