Dialouge help please: Genesis

[Scarlett Eclipse]

Ok sorry...skipping chapters again but I'm having issues with this chapter. The dialouge feels way too forced, which really sucks. But maybe if somebody had suggestions, that'd be lovely. thanks

Hours later, Gabriel sat by himself in his room. He stayed on his bed looking over at his desk; a book sat there on top of his comic books. Taking in a deep breath, he closed his eyes listening to the murmuring thoughts of his family and Lizzie, the maid. Everybody was minding their own business; therefore, he opened his eyes focusing on the book. While keeping his breathing steady, he slowly rose one hand, and at the same time, the book steadily rose into the air. The book hovered a few inches above the comic books. He started to laugh, proud of his accomplishment.

Then, one at a time all the comic books lifted into the air. Gabriel stood up, lifting his other hand into the air. This time he was able to raise the desk into the air. He became occupied with moving objects with his mind that he forgot to scan all the thoughts of his family. Not even the sound of the door alerted him to the fact, he was no longer alone.

“Hey Gabe I wanted to talk to you…” started Willow, but she trailed away when she saw what her son was capable of. Finally, Gabriel snapped his attention in her direction. “OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!” she began to scream. She backed away as he leapt to his feet. “WILLIAM! OH MY…”

“Wait! No! Mom!” shouted Gabriel. It was a poor attempt to stop her because the desk and all flew at the wall with incredible force. Willow continued to scream while she curled against the opposite wall, gazing at the desk after it tore through the wall. Gabriel gently approached her hoping there was some sort of way he could explain all this to her. “Stop! Stop…please listen to what I have to say.”

Instead, Willow flailed around trying to escape him. He stopped in front of her trying to hold her still. “NO! NO! GET AWAY! YOU MONSTER! MONSTER!” she panicked while she hit him. “MONSTER! YOU MONSTER! GET AWAY!”

“Calm down…mom, please it’s still me Gabriel, you’re son…”

“NO! NO! YOU’RE NOT MY SON…HE’S DEAD…you’re dead to me!”

All the lights flickered once before the glass shattered. He stumbled backward allowing his mother to run away. Instantly, she ran down the hallway to William while he stood there gawking at Gabriel. She sobbed, burying her face against his shoulder.

“Have you gone insane?! What’s wrong with you?!” roared William.

“I-I…I-I…I-I lost…c-c-control,” Gabriel gasped. He glanced at the mess feeling awfully dizzy. “I-I lost control…I lost control…”

“And you didn’t bother to tell me this?! You don’t have control over your powers?!”

“…No…”

“GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”

Gabriel sprinted away leaving behind his home. The one place he could think of going was to Emmett. That was the only person who would-who could help him in this time of need. Unlike his family, Emmett understood that he wasn’t a monster. So he went off, to a phone booth and searched through the yellow book in search of Emmett’s address except it was impossible to find. There wasn’t a single person listed as: Emmett Bloodworth. Because of that, Gabriel wandered the streets thinking about what to do next. Somehow, he was going to have to find Emmett.

It took Gabriel about an half hour to suddenly realize the situation he was stuck in. Still there was no sign of Emmett, it seemed impossible to find out where Emmett lived, which left him on the streets without shelter. All he had was a few bucks in his pockets, a public transportation pass and the clothes on his back, everything else was back at his house, which he probably would never see again. There was also no close friends in the city and that only meant, there was no place to go.

In the end, Gabriel wandered toward a subway station, but before he went down the steps, he looked over his shoulder. Faintly, he could make out the outlines of his home. Then he slipped away into the dowdy subway station. Luckily, his card was still with him because he was able to board the first train he saw.

Nobody was there so he sat down and so he checked to see exactly how much money he had, and all he had was a few bucks. Sighing, he looked out the window watching little lights fly by before darkness. Somehow, no matter how hard, he would have to find Emmett.

[ctg]

The problem you have is that you use too many exclamation marks. 99 per cent of them are unnecessary. I edited your piece and tried to put it right. If you don't like it, then ignore them and carry on with other people comments.

Originally Posted by Scarlett Eclipse

Hours later, Gabriel sat by himself in his room. He stayed on his bed looking over at his desk; a book sat there on top of his comic books. Taking in a deep breath, he closed his eyes listening to the murmuring thoughts of his family and Lizzie, the maid. Everybody was minding their own business; therefore, he opened his eyes while his mind focused on the book. While keeping his breathing steady, he slowly rose one hand, and at the same time, the book steadily rose into the air. The book hovered a few inches above the comic books. Gabriel started to laugh, proud of his accomplishment.

Then, one at a time all the comic books lifted into the air. Gabriel stood up, lifting his other hand into the air. This time he was able to raise the desk into the air. He became occupied with moving objects with his mind that he forgot to scan all the thoughts of his family. Not even the sound of the door alerted him to the fact that he was no longer alone.

“Hey Gabe, I wanted to talk to you…” started Willow, but she trailed away when she saw what he was doing. Finally, Gabriel snapped his attention in her direction. “OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!” she began to scream. She backed away as he leapt to his feet. “WILLIAM! OH MY…”

“Wait! No! Mom!” shouted Gabriel. It was a poor attempt to stop her because the desk and all the other stuff flew at the wall with incredible force. It scared Willow as she started screaming in panic.Gabriel approached her gently, while he thought of ways to explain all this to her. “Mom," he said while he stepped closer. "Stop panicking. Everything is all right. I can explain this..."

It didn't work. She tried to escape, by crawling behind the chest of draws. Gabriel stroked back on his head, while he thought what would be best thing to do. His mother was such a chaotic state. Gabriel kneel next to her and tried to touch her shoulder, while she screamed. “NO.,NO, GET AWAY FROM ME. YOU ARE A MONSTER-”

“Calm down mom," Gabriel said in shooting tone. "I'm not a monster. I'm your son."

“NO, NO, NO," Willow shook her head, and looked at him with big round panicking eyes. "YOU’RE NOT MY SON…HE’S DEAD…”

Gabriel slammed on his backside as his mother words hit his mind. The lights around him flickered a couple of times before they shattered in million of pieces. He didn't even notice Willow getting on her feet before she ran against William, who was standing in the doorway gawking at Gabriel. She sobbed and bury her face against his shoulder.

“Have you gone insane? What’s wrong with you???” roared William.

“I-I…I-I…I-I lost…c-c-control,” Gabriel gasped as he glanced at the mess feeling awfully dizzy. “I-I lost control…I lost control…”

“And you didn’t bother to tell me this??? You don’t have control over your powers?”

“No…” Gabriel said quietly, almost whispering. "I tried but-"

“GET OUT", William pointed at the front door. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.”

Gabriel sprinted away leaving behind his home. The one place he could think of going was to Emmett. He the only person who could help him. Unlike his family, Emmett understood that he wasn’t a monster. The only problem was that all his contact details were still in his parent house. He had to do something.

Gabriel ran in nearest phone booth and searched through the phone book in search of Emmett’s address except it was impossible to find. There wasn’t a single person listed as: Emmett Bloodworth. Because of that, Gabriel wandered the streets thinking about what to do next. Somehow, he was going to have to find Emmett.

It took about an half hour for him to understand the situation he was in. Without Emmett contact details, he was doomed to live on the streets without shelter. All he had in his pockets was few bucks and a public transportation pass. Everything else was back at his house, which he doubt he would ever going to step in again. Without Emmett, there was no other place he could go.

In the end, Gabriel wandered towards a subway station, but before he went down the steps, he looked over his shoulder. Faintly, he could make out the outlines of his home. Then he slipped away into the dowdy subway station and boarded the first train he saw.

Nobody was there so he sat down and checked to see exactly how much money he had. It wasn't much. Gabriel sighed deeply, looked out from the window to little lights flying by before the darkness. Somehow, no matter how hard it was going to be, he would have to find Emmett.

[Scarlett Eclipse]

Thanks for the help, I'll take everything into consideration.

[Princess Lucretia]

I don't know how much I can help you with dialouge. I'm more of a poetess and when I write short stories, that's what I struggle with. But I have to admit, I find Gabriel interesting and would like to know more about him...it's hard to tell with what little is here...but to make things more interesting, there should be some sort of love sub-plot. (I hope I'm not too bold to say somehting like that) Do whatever you wish though.

[Scarlett Eclipse]

well if it counts for anything, there is a love sub-plot...and I'm gald you like it.