Genesis

[Scarlett Eclipse]

This is just a start to something but I feel like it's a tad bit confuesing...and I don't know if it'll catch the audiences attention. So if I could get any opinions, that would be lovely. Thank you.

Act One

Scene One

EMMETT pulls a hood over his face as he leans against a wall in the shadows. He walks out in all black looking in front of him at several MEN. The MEN do not noticing him approaching. EMMETT blends in with the darkness. He then comes straight at them pulling out a gun shooting each one of them before backing away. The MEN lie on the ground slowly dying. EMMETT laughs before jumping up flying away from the scene. Cut to WILLIAM and WILLOW.

WILLIAM sits at a table looking at a newspaper from that morning. He shakes his article as he reads about a whole gang was terrified. WILLOW silently sat across from him drinking a small cup of tea.

WILLIAM: Do the police not mean anything to the people anymore? I do everything I can to keep things in control but yet things like this happen.

WILLOW: What happened, dear?

WILLIAM: Some-some vigilante killed off a while other gang.

WILLOW: I think that would be a good thing, wouldn’t it.

WILLIAM: (snaps) No! This is horrible it could just be more gang violence or some insane zealot or-or I don’t know. (shakes head) God, I cannot stand people some days. I try everything that I can to help them and then they do something like this to me.

WILLOW: Please calm down, Will. Everything is going to be alright.

WILLIAM: Not with this upcoming election, everything has to be perfect. It’s hard enough with Gabriel out there in the army.

WILLOW: Are you worried about him?

WILLIAM: He is my son.

WILLOW: And he is my son, too.

WILLIAM: What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

WILLOW: Well…

WILLIAM: Shut up, damn it, just leave me alone. I’ll deal with this on my own. I don’t need some woman helping me with something that is worth while.

WILLOW: I’m sorry.

WILLIAM: (shouts) I said get out!

WILLOW bows her head and walks away leaving WILLIAM behind.

Cut to GABRIEL and EDEN.

GABRIEL steps away from an airplane in a full uniform. He smiles as EDEN runs over to him throwing her arms around him. GABRIEL hugs her lifting her off her feet swinging her around.

GABRIEL: Eden!

EDEN: Your back, Gabriel!

GABRIEL: No I’m not this is just a dream.

EDEN: (sarcastic) Ha ha you’re just hilarious!

GABRIEL: Where's dad?

EDEN: In an insane asylum…that is how much he missed you.

GABRIEL: That really means something to me.

EDEN: Well it should! Do you want to go visit him?

GABRIEL: As long as I can drive, I don’t care if it is a minivan, I just want to drive some normal, cozy vehicle.

EDEN: I took the tube.

GABRIEL: It’s subway here.

EDEN: Right, not London.

GABRIEL: I think that we should walk instead.

EDEN: Gabriel?! Things haven’t changed that much around here. The streets are still dangerous, every day people are murdered, mugged, raped et cetera. Not that the subway is anymore safe but still at this hour there’d be a lot more people then say on the streets.

GABRIEL: Well you know what, I’ll protect you from the big bad wolf.

EDEN: (laughs) My hero.

GABRIEL releases his sister and started to walk away. He pulls her close while smiling and they leave the airport onto the dank streets. There are hardly any people walking around as trash rolls around. EDEN grabs onto GABRIEL as she fearfully scans the area.

EDEN: I have a gun if you want to use it.

GABRIEL: I think that I have one or two tricks up my sleeve.

EDEN: What do you mean?

GABRIEL: Just keep walking and I’ll explain everything to you. It has something to do with why I am home, actually. I-I was sort of kicked out of the army and everything but please don’t tell dad.

EDEN: (shouts) What?!

GABRIEL: Shush I’ll explain just promise me you won’t be scared.

EDEN looks at the ground still holding onto her brother’s arm.

Cut to EMMETT.

EMMETT walks through the street looking at the ground with a hood pulled over his face and hands tucked in pockets. He could feel the edges of his gun hanging under his jacket. A few people stroll down the street but stop in front of him.

PERSON ONE: Excuse me, sir. Can you please help us find a restaurant?

PERSON TWO: Shut up, Bobby! We have to keep going, don’t ask questions.

PERSON ONE: Men are the ones who are not supposed to ask for directions not women.

EMMETT: Where are you heading?

PERSON ONE: The Hard Rock Café.

EMMETT: Sorry, I don’t think I know where that is. But I would highly suggest getting out of this area. It’s not a nice place do be.

PERSON ONE: Thank you any way sir.

EMMETT: The name is Emmett, by the way.

PERSON TWO: Go Bobby! Go!

PERSON ONE: Sorry about my wife she is very paranoid.

EMMETT: I don’t mind, I can perfectly understand. I have to carry a gun around when I take my kids out because you never know what might happen. They mean the world to me and I don’t know what I would do if they died.

PERSON TWO: Bobby, time to go.

PERSON ONE: Well I wish you the best of luck with your life style. Bye.

PERSON TWO: Finally Bobby!

They leave and EMMETT stands there briefly watching them. He is about to turn around but hears somebody talking. A SHADOW walks out starting to follow the PEOPLE. EMMETT instantly chases after them pulling out the gun. The SHADOW is about to take out PERSON ONE when EMMETT shoots him. They turn around facing him while PERSON TWO screams. The SHADOW falls to the ground dead. EMMETT just stand there still with the gun lifted.

Cut to GABRIEL and EDEN.

They walk down a street close to where EMMETT is. EDEN stops as the gun shots echoes through the air. She pulls closer to her brother.

EDEN: What’s that?

GABRIEL: Where is that gun of yours?

EDEN: In my purse.

GABRIEL: Give it to me.

EDEN pulls out the gun and hands it to GABRIEL. He pushes her behind him cocking the weapon while walking forward. The whole time EDEN keeps behind him. EMMETT looks up at them raising his weapon again and fires. GABRIEL takes in a deep breath lifting a hand while focusing on the bullet and it stops in mid air. Then he fires a bullet into EMMETT. Dropping the gun, GABRIEL races to his side putting pressure against a wound knowing that it was not fatal.

GABRIEL: Alright, call an ambulance.

EDEN: You shot him!

GABRIEL: He is going to live, he was dangerous.

PERSON ONE: He was not! He saved our lives.

Pain spreads across GABRIEL’S face as he looks as if he is about to fall over. EDEN kneels down beside him helping support him.

EDEN: It was an accident.

EMMETT moves quickly, jumping up knocking GABRIEL away from himself even though he is wounded. They both meet eyes for a brief second.

EDEN: Gabriel?!

GABRIEL does not reply. EMMETT jumps into the air flying away and GABRIEL follows with his eyes. Then he looks down at his fingers wriggling them for a second before turning to EDEN. EDEN looks terrified.

EDEN: He is one of those mutants.

GABRIEL: Um…Eden…I have to tell you something.

EDEN: (fearful) Gabriel…you-you stopped that bullet. You-you stopped…the bullet.

GABRIEL: (hesitates) Yes, I know.

EDEN backs away.

EDEN: (fearful) What are you?!

GABRIEL: This is what I wanted to speak to you about. It’s a real long story.

EDEN: And I’m not going to stick around to hear it.

EDEN bows her head and storms away from him leaving GABRIEL standing there with the PEOPLE fearfully looking at him.

GABRIEL: Sorry.

Then he heads off in the same direction as he was headed. Only once does GABRIEL glance at the sky.

End Scene

[Teresa Edgerton]

I take it from the structure of this that it is a script you want critiqued rather than an outline or a story idea you want help working out. As such, it belongs in Critiques, rather than the Workshop, so I'm moving it.

I hope you get some helpful feedback, but we don't have many people working on scripts here, so don't feel badly if there isn't much response.

[chrispenycate]

Yes, I know it's screenplay; but punctuation wasn't invented for English teachers, but to make reading printed pages easier.[/quote][quote]

Originally Posted by Scarlett Eclipse

This is just a start to something but I feel like it's a tad bit confuesing...and I don't know if it'll catch the audiences attention. So if I could get any opinions, that would be lovely. Thank you.

Act One
Scene One

EMMETT pulls a hood over his face as he leans against a wall in the shadows. He walks out in all black

comma

looking in front of him at several MEN. The MEN do not noticing him approaching. EMMETT blends in with the darkness. He then comes straight at them

comma

pulling out a gun

comma

shooting each one of them before backing away. The MEN lie on the ground slowly dying. EMMETT laughs before jumping up

comma

flying away from the scene. Cut to WILLIAM and WILLOW.

WILLIAM sits at a table looking at a newspaper from that morning. He shakes his article as he reads about a whole gang was terrified.

"how a whole gang"? "a whole gang being"? And you suggest later they were not terrified but liquidated. And how do you shake a newspaper article - the whole paper, yes, but a couple of paragraphs? Or is it some other article (unspecified) he's shaking?

WILLOW silently sat across from him

comma; and why past tense (sat)?

drinking a small cup of tea.

WILLIAM: Do the police not mean anything to the people anymore? I do everything I can to keep things in control but yet things like this happen.

strange speech pattern deliberate? A native English speaker would almost certainly use the contraction " "Don't the police" in the first sentence and "and yet" or "but" in the second

WILLOW: What happened, dear?

WILLIAM: Some-some vigilante killed off a while

whole

other gang.

WILLOW: I think that would be a good thing, wouldn’t it.

WILLIAM: (snaps) No! This is horrible

semicolon

it could just be more gang violence or some insane zealot or-or I don’t know. (shakes head) God, I cannot stand people some days. I try everything that I can to help them and then they do something like this to me.

WILLOW: Please calm down, Will. Everything is going to be alright.

WILLIAM: Not with this upcoming election, everything has to be perfect. It’s hard enough with Gabriel out there in the army.

WILLOW: Are you worried about him?

WILLIAM: He is my son.

WILLOW: And he is my son, too.

WILLIAM: What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

WILLOW: Well…

WILLIAM: Shut up, damn it, just leave me alone. I’ll deal with this on my own. I don’t need some woman helping me with something that is worth while.

WILLOW: I’m sorry.

WILLIAM: (shouts) I said get out!

WILLOW bows her head and walks away

comma

leaving WILLIAM behind.

Cut to GABRIEL and EDEN.

GABRIEL steps away from an airplane in a full uniform. He smiles as EDEN runs over to him

comma

throwing her arms around him. GABRIEL hugs her lifting her off her feet swinging her around.

GABRIEL: Eden!

EDEN: Your

You're

back, Gabriel!

GABRIEL: No I’m not

semicolon

this is just a dream.

EDEN: (sarcastic) Ha ha you’re just hilarious!

GABRIEL: Where's dad?

EDEN: In an insane asylum…that is how much he missed you.

GABRIEL: That really means something to me.

EDEN: Well it should! Do you want to go visit him?

GABRIEL: As long as I can drive, I don’t care if it is a minivan, I just want to drive some normal, cozy vehicle.

EDEN: I took the tube.

GABRIEL: It’s subway

comma

here.

EDEN: Right, not London.

GABRIEL: I think that we should walk instead.

EDEN: Gabriel?! Things haven’t changed that much around here. The streets are still dangerous,

semicolon

every day people are murdered, mugged, raped et cetera. Not that the subway is anymore

any more

safe but still at this hour there’d be a lot more people then

than, comma

say

comma

on the streets.

GABRIEL: Well you know what, I’ll protect you from the big bad wolf.

EDEN: (laughs) My hero.

GABRIEL releases his sister and started

starts

to walk away. He pulls her close while smiling and they leave the airport onto the dank streets. There are hardly any people walking around as trash rolls around. EDEN grabs onto GABRIEL as she fearfully scans the area.

EDEN: I have a gun if you want to use it.

GABRIEL: I think that I have one or two tricks up my sleeve.

EDEN: What do you mean?

GABRIEL: Just keep walking and I’ll explain everything to you. It has something to do with why I am home, actually. I-I was sort of kicked out of the army and everything but please don’t tell dad.

EDEN: (shouts) What?!

GABRIEL: Shush I’ll explain

full stop

just promise me you won’t be scared.

EDEN looks at the ground

comma

still holding onto her brother’s arm.

Cut to EMMETT.

EMMETT walks through the street

comma

looking at the ground

comma

with a hood pulled over his face and hands tucked in pockets. He could feel the edges of his gun hanging under his jacket. A few people stroll down the street but stop in front of him.

PERSON ONE: Excuse me, sir. Can you please help us find a restaurant?

PERSON TWO: Shut up, Bobby! We have to keep going, don’t ask questions.

PERSON ONE: Men are the ones who are not supposed to ask for directions not women.

EMMETT: Where are you heading?

PERSON ONE: The Hard Rock Café.

EMMETT: Sorry, I don’t think I know where that is. But I would highly suggest getting out of this area. It’s not a nice place do be.

PERSON ONE: Thank you any way sir.

EMMETT: The name is Emmett, by the way.

PERSON TWO: Go Bobby! Go!

PERSON ONE: Sorry about my wife she is very paranoid.

EMMETT: I don’t mind, I can perfectly understand. I have to carry a gun around when I take my kids out because you never know what might happen. They mean the world to me and I don’t know what I would do if they died.

PERSON TWO: Bobby, time to go.

PERSON ONE: Well I wish you the best of luck with your life style. Bye.

PERSON TWO: Finally Bobby!

They leave and EMMETT stands there briefly watching them. He is about to turn around but hears somebody talking. A SHADOW walks out starting to follow the PEOPLE. EMMETT instantly chases after them

comma

pulling out the gun. The SHADOW is about to take out PERSON ONE when EMMETT shoots him. They turn around facing him while PERSON TWO screams. The SHADOW falls to the ground dead. EMMETT just stand

stands

there still with the gun lifted.

Cut to GABRIEL and EDEN.

They walk down a street close to where EMMETT is. EDEN stops as the gun shots echoes

gun shot echoes or gun shots echo?

through the air. She pulls closer to her brother.

EDEN: What’s that?

GABRIEL: Where is that gun of yours?

EDEN: In my purse.

GABRIEL: Give it to me.

EDEN pulls out the gun and hands it to GABRIEL. He pushes her behind him

comma

cocking the weapon while walking forward. The whole time EDEN keeps behind him. EMMETT looks up at them raising his weapon again and fires. GABRIEL takes in a deep breath

comma

lifting a hand while focusing on the bullet and it stops in mid air. Then he fires a bullet into EMMETT. Dropping the gun, GABRIEL races to his side putting pressure against a wound knowing that it was not fatal.

GABRIEL: Alright, call an ambulance.

EDEN: You shot him!

GABRIEL: He is going to live, he was dangerous.

PERSON ONE: He was not! He saved our lives.

Pain spreads across GABRIEL’S face as he looks as if he is about to fall over. EDEN kneels down beside him

comma

helping support him.

EDEN: It was an accident.

EMMETT moves quickly, jumping up knocking GABRIEL away from himself even though he is wounded. They both meet eyes for a brief second.

EDEN: Gabriel?!

GABRIEL does not reply. EMMETT jumps into the air

comma

flying away and GABRIEL follows with his eyes. Then he looks down at his fingers

comma

wriggling them for a second before turning to EDEN. EDEN looks terrified.

EDEN: He is one of those mutants.

GABRIEL: Um…Eden…I have to tell you something.

EDEN: (fearful) Gabriel…you-you stopped that bullet. You-you stopped…the bullet.

GABRIEL: (hesitates) Yes, I know.

EDEN backs away.

EDEN: (fearful) What are you?!

GABRIEL: This is what I wanted to speak to you about. It’s a real long story.

EDEN: And I’m not going to stick around to hear it.

EDEN bows her head and storms away from him leaving GABRIEL standing there with the PEOPLE fearfully looking at him.

GABRIEL: Sorry.

Then he heads off in the same direction as he was headed. Only once does GABRIEL glance at the sky.

End Scene