Description of an Eleasian Race. Critique?

[Malloriel]

Glaiden Maiyenin



Far to the Northeast of the Eleasian continent, lined on land by steeply peaked mountains, and all other sides by sea, lies the sacred home of the Glaiden maiyen. The land itself is ancient, rising out of the sea like some great and crumbling sentinel, its crest verdant with trees. Protected with sheer, rocky cliffs, the home of these special creatures is all but inaccessible save a few passes through the mountains, and one small inlet at the Rhon's southern tip. Truly it is a keep, as its name suggests within the maiyenin native tongue.

The whole of the land is fair covered in trees, towering and ancient and full of more wisdom than any creature yet alive, save the dragons themselves.

Physically speaking, the Glaiden stand apart from their brethren with their earthy tones. Skin darker than the shadowed haven of the trees would suggest, some with the fair yet dusky tones of a young faun's first fuzz, and some as richly dark as the moist damp earth at the base of the wisest of trees. Their hair shines in such similar shades, even growing so light as a sweet honey comb, with as many highlights and lowlights intermingling, varying to such shades as can be found in the natural stone, earth, and shadows of their home with the infrequent but treasured appearance of a soft auburned red. An anomaly runs through their veins, however, giving rise to the extremely rare "albino", with skin and hair as white as snow, yet eyes anything from a gentle, yet vibrant turquois to the Glaiden's own greens, hazels, and browns. The truth be told, this is a recessive gene floating around, born into the Glaiden by once, and still infrequent, commingling with the Aslain of the snow, their mountain fortress and lands at the Rhon's Nothern border. Those both with the recessive trait receive a child as fair as those maiyenin of the snow, yet with the build, skills, and innate agility of their parents. The problem being, however, that their skin and hair force them to stand out in the forest surroundings far to noticeably to be successful at such things as the hunt, when camouflage is no longer a part of what they are. Thus, they either hone these skills to a far sharper edge than their peers, or take them elsewhere, where survival is no longer contingent upon blending in.

Their society is quiet, though, their wines earthy, strong, and full. Depending on which area of the Rhon you find yourself, you could see their homes as burrows into the earth, barely discernible as homes at all and easily missed by the untrained eye, or as cities built high in the trees, some just as easily overlooked as the burrowing villages, and some as magnificent and awe-inspiring as the view of a god come down to earth.

The Glaiden tend to be even tempered, patient and understanding, willing to listen to any idea thrown their way but reluctant to change their views.

Among their greatest skills are Tree Walking, archery, hunting, tracking, Tree Weaving, Earth Talking, and intricate carving. Carving is a beloved past-time for these maiyenin, and with their long and mostly quiet lives they find the time to dedicate to making the craft into one of the highest forms of art. Combining Tree Weaving, the ability to urge any wooded plant to grow to a certain form, with the expertise in wooden craft, it can take over 100 years to create something the maiyen is pleased with. This is nothing within their lifespans, though obvious of some import to a human, which is why any piece that makes its way from the secluded bowers of Glaiden Rhon is a treasure beyond words or indeed most any price. The Dorosai, seated in Aliandra and ruler of the Solivian kingdoms has a throne made by Glaiden craft, first begun at the end of the Great War as tribute to her ancestor, King Solivan I who brought together the ununited kingdoms into one force to fight back the Dark Lord of Time who threatened all, including the Glaiden. Though he did not live to see its completion, nor did his son, or his grandson, the gift was still made and delivered and forever made a symbol of the Doria, the rulership of all the Northern kingdoms, to honour what Solivan Vhego had done, for the maiyenin who had known him yet lived and remembered, and wished that everyone else might recall as well, with their gift.


Key words:

Agile, quick, dexterous, sharp-eyed, quick-minded, graceful, resourceful, passive, patient, quiet, thoughtful, tough, resilient, artistic, willing to listen, slow to change, accurate shot, caring, responsible, dangerous, suspicious/borderline xenophobic, loyal, protective, sheltering, warm, family-oriented, clannish, in sync with nature, respectful, honourable.

[Dreamsong]

Your description is pleasant to read and suits the tranquil tone of a gentle forest people.

However, I found the mention of recessive genes rather jarring and out of setting, unless the beings in your world truly understand genetics you probably should be using such modern terms to describe them. I would have thought that merely acknowledging that there is some Aslain blood in the Glaiden would be enough.

A few questions about this race.

Do they worship? And if so what and how?

Do they have a warrior tradition or do they frown on violence?

Are they apolitical or is there some kind of ruling body?

Finally if you'd like some more ideas I'd recommend looking at the Lirin from Elizabeth Haydon's Symphony of the Ages series, (assuming you haven't already read it).

Good luck with this.

[Malloriel]

Originally Posted by Dreamsong

Your description is pleasant to read and suits the tranquil tone of a gentle forest people.

However, I found the mention of recessive genes rather jarring and out of setting, unless the beings in your world truly understand genetics you probably should be using such modern terms to describe them. I would have thought that merely acknowledging that there is some Aslain blood in the Glaiden would be enough.

A few questions about this race.

Do they worship? And if so what and how?

Do they have a warrior tradition or do they frown on violence?

Are they apolitical or is there some kind of ruling body?

Finally if you'd like some more ideas I'd recommend looking at the Lirin from Elizabeth Haydon's Symphony of the Ages series, (assuming you haven't already read it).

Good luck with this.

Indeed. I did make the mistake of putting what I know into the description, which I'll have to change.

Now, I've worked a bit more on the culture of this group, which changes up some of the imagery, but I'll share it with you now, and some of it will answer your questions.

---

Long ages past, when the Glaiden first came to live within the sheltering haven of the Rhon, they encountered a rare and, at the time, dying race of wolves. Previously undiscovered, they remained unnamed as a group until the Glaiden began their early interactions and with their understanding of the nature of these newly discovered energies, the name of Airynfval Fierae, translated to Spectral Wolves, though literally "dark spirit wolves".

The wolves, many ages past, had been bound to a race of beings that died out long before the fierae themselves. The relationship had been symbiotic and without the return of energy from their once living hosts, the fierae began to slowly die; their lives long, but no ability to reproduce left to them the generation that had last been born before the deaths of their hosts remained with only the vaguest of memories to guide the Glaiden, who wished to help, and volunteered to be their new hosts.

There were fewer fierae than Glaiden, and as both were extremely long lived very few of those who came to what would become the Rhon were bonded with the wolves, a new cub born only as often as a new Glaiden was born.

The wolves themselves bond at their discretion and so choose their hosts based off of their own ideals of strength, beauty, and wisdom, which left most of the hunters, trackers, and fighters supplementing their skills with an ancient and fierce wisdom and power.

Through the generations, exposure to the fierae aura and power changed them fundamentally, their physical forms reflecting that of their companions with elongated canines, love of fresh (but cooked) meat, heightened senses of smell, taste, and hearing, the latter most aided by the severe elongation and widening of their ears to something resembling the wolves as well. Their eyes changed last of all, narrowing, lifting, night vision enhancing, and completing the image of wolven kinship.

Their social structure reflected that of the wolves, with an alpha male and female at the head of the entire society, though they based nearly all their final decisions on opinions expressed and discussions had in a council composed of betas (voted upon by the rest of the local Glaiden, who had by this time spread far and wide into the land of trees), and one representative of the Soulorian, the group of maeyenin who had access to the magical forces of the universe. The Soulain provided wasn't always the same, but the views more or less remained fairly fixed, and often bore more weight than the rest of the council put together, such was the regard given to any Soulain who only stood below the alphas because of their respect to the alphas and their position.

Of all the gods, of which there are 14, the Glaiden worship Driana, goddess of earth with domain over much of nature and animals, though rather than conducting elaborate ceremonies of worship and praise, they consider it prayer by respecting nature, taking care of the land, and protecting all within their personal domain, doing what they can to preserve what it is the goddess had given.

While they do not have a warrior society, violence is a part of life, fights occur, scuffles and the like, and are usually over quickly with a decided victor who rises up a little in the regard of the collective, though how much or how little frequently depends on why the fight began and who started it. For all their ties to the wolves, they've maintained their own identity as a civilised group and seamlessly merged the two into one.

[ctg]

It's good stuff for a novel background, and even better stuff for a RPG source-book. However, I would say to leave few holes for reader imagination to fill. Not everything can be explained, or should be explained.

[Malloriel]

Of course not. --Smiles-- You've read my first chapter, haven't you ctg? It's on the . . . third page? Of the critique forum. I reveal information necessary to understand the story at hand while giving an idea of the world in which it takes place without simply explaining all.

For my own purposes however, I like to know all the details, as I should. And for the purposes of this post it was more . . . the overall image and what they invoke. Had I left out the details I would have received many more questions, I think (also good for it implies interest), requesting the information I'd not given. So within the novels I plan on expressing many of the ideas without going too in depth. I've got ideas percolating about an Age of Legends tale about one of the Glaiden, one Sylfier Ai'iier, and the participation of non-human groups in the Great War, before, during, and after. Whether I include that all in what I'm going to consider canonical tales is up in the air. The writing of it can occur at any time since it's about 18 human generations (each about 200 years) before the present era, and anything I put in can only enhance the tales of the present. And what I mean by the canonical books is that the Age of Legends bears a LOT of influence on events in the present. The telling of them may not be necessary and so if they see the light of publication, it could possibly be more as a History of Eleasia situation, rather than part of a specific series time-line, since there is a whole bunch that goes into the overall story.

Anyway, much digression. ^_^

Oh, and yes, I work with everything I make for my novel setting to convert it into a viable platform for table-top gaming, and online RP and keep that all in mind as I'm working. Some of it comes from actual writing (of course, since you don't want to box yourself in by sets of unbreakable rules that stall your entire project because what you've made isn't what you need, or even what you like any more), some of it comes from what I feel I'd like for a table-top system, and other bits are from flat worldbuilding nitty-gritty work.

[ctg]

I've read chapter X four times and chapter 2 three times. Chapter X didn't pull me in, and I was losing interest, because I really didn't understand what was going on. I guess it was because I felt confused on lacking the knowledge of where your main character was going.

This would be enough of seed to me to create an story based on your settings.

...The whole of the land is fair covered in trees, towering and ancient and full of more wisdom than any creature yet alive, save the dragons themselves.

Physically speaking, the Glaiden stand apart from their brethren with their earthy tones. Skin darker than the shadowed haven of the trees would suggest, some with the fair yet dusky tones of a young faun's first fuzz, and some as richly dark as the moist damp earth at the base of the wisest of trees ...

[Malloriel]

Originally Posted by ctg

I've read chapter X four times and chapter 2 three times. Chapter X didn't pull me in, and I was losing interest, because I really didn't understand what was going on. I guess it was because I felt confused on lacking the knowledge of where your main character was going.

Well that's certainly no good. I'll definitely need to consider a rewrite. I do feel it's the right direction though overall, as it does explain bits and pieces necessary to understanding the world and that story.

It's not something I'm able to work on just now, but definitely bears more thought. See, this is the sort of feedback I'd hoped to get in the critique section, but I suppose anyone not immediately grabbed just wandered away for greener pastures.

Good critique is only so helpful when the meat is being ignored by a majority of readers. Of course I don't know if this is true for my piece, or if my style simply isn't to your taste. And what with it being on page three of Critiques it's not likely to get many more passes or suggestions. Tragedy is my life now.

[ctg]

Well, don't you worry, as it might be because of my understand or lack of understanding English words. First of the confusion was with the why he is going in the earth, the second confusion came with the prison scene as I didn't understand how it end in there, and the last bit of confusion came with the dragon scene.

I just felt that something was lacking but I forced myself to read it through, meaning that I wasn't directly pulled in it.

Again this might be, as you say, that the style isn't for my taste. You cannot please everyone and people accepted your work, so take that as granted. Your piece worked.

[Malloriel]

That would explain a lot. I'll help a bit, though.

He goes down into the earth because frequently, long ago and in some cases still, dungeons, prisons, were placed below the earth. Under a castle or fortress of some kind. That way it was harder for people to get in and out without getting stopped. The same idea is true of a tower prison, though with a tower you can generally only keep a few people locked up, where as below you can have the prison take up as much space as the castle or fortress itself. So there's a prison deep under this local . . . I wouldn't call this necessarily a fortress. At one time it may have been, but it's more like a consulate, a place where visiting dignitaries or important people from other lands might stay safely, or go if they're in some kind of trouble. And the prison beneath it hasn't been used in a very long time, but by the way it's constructed and built up it looks like it was something very serious, the sort of place where very, VERY dangerous people were kept, and a LOT of them. I want it to give the impression that this place has been around a very long time and doesn't get used the way it was built to be used, but wasn't changed physically. Like, they didn't take it down and rebuild it, or change the dungeon prison into storage rooms or anything like that. Just old and mostly unused.

Now, if that doesn't explain the prison scene, I'm not sure what the problem is, but I'll try this: Kale is Ralanir's best friend. He received a letter from Ralanir letting him know that Ral has been accused of attacking an Avatar. An Avatar is a human-like being that has a deep, deep connection with dragons, the most powerful beings in Eleasia. Being so closely connected, the Avatars have a lot of the same power the dragons do, but in a much smaller form, so it's very difficult for anyone to attack or hurt them at all. One really was attacked, though, and Ralanir found her on the road, bleeding. She's an Avatar for a dragon of Darkness. There are 14 elements in Eleasia and a type of dragon for each one. All of the dragons are closely related to those elements, and for a lot of them their blood has special powers or properties too. For Darkness, the blood is not only totally black, but is poisonous too, which is why Ralanir blacked out after trying to stop her bleeding. The cloth he used to try to stop the bleeding go soaked through and turned black with her blood, as did his hands. When he was found, passed out and covered in her blood, the people thought he was the one who attacked her and other Avatars, so while he was harmless and unconscious they brought him into town and locked him up. They live in a state of fear because it's their understanding that NOTHING should be able to hurt an Avatar, but this isn't the first attack they've heard of, so if they can blame ANYONE and deal with the problem then that's what they'll do, whether they're right or wrong because it makes them feel safer. All of that is because they really don't understand what it takes to hurt an Avatar, and so they're really scared. People who are so scared will frequently lash out at ANYTHING to make the fear go away because they don't understand.

Kale promises to help Ralanir in any way he can, and gives him a honey-cake because it's a very special treat and figures that his friend probably isn't being fed well, and even if he is being fed well enough, it wouldn't be anything as good as a honey-cake.

The dragon scene must be the scene with the Avatar woman. She's the same one who was attacked, but they heal very quickly so she was in a bar drinking. She hides inside a dark cloak so people don't suspect what she is when she's trying to blend in and avoid too much attention. They're telepathic so she could pick up on Kale's thoughts. I tried to express some of her personality and some of the automatic abilities she would have, like being able to manipulate shadows, making them come to her or leave at will, making her face look more or less defined inside the hood of her cloak. As she leaves she doesn't actually respond to him, but telepathically responds so others around who might be listening and be bad guys don't know she's giving him any help.

Each type of dragon looks different to reflect the nature of the element they represent, and their Avatars share features. Most people are afraid of Darkness and thing anything Dark is evil, bad, and ugly and fear it. When Kale is talking to the bar man that's what the bar man is referring to. Dragons and Avatars of Light are assumed to be the prettiest because Light is supposed to be everything that's good in the world, as far as humans are concerned at least. So the bar man, and many humans assume that dragons and Avatars of Darkness are automatically ugly and evil and scary. But a lot of people are fascinated by the idea that the dragons have human-like beings that work with them and live really long lives, so they fall in love with the idea of them and want to be taken away to live with them without understanding the reality of the situation. The barman thinks that this is what Kale is going through and tries to encourage him to settle down with a normal human girl instead of pining after an Avatar that he thinks could never love a human, especially one he believes is probably evil or bad anyway.

Does that at least help you understand what's going on a bit more?

[Ghost of Harrenhal]

A nice description, certainly detailed and I didn't feel confused at any moment while reading it I don't think but it all sounds very Elvish. That's fine because many fantasy stories have some kind of race similar to what we would nowadays call an elf but I don't know how far you really want to take this. Try not to make them generic stock elves with a different name. The borderline xenophobia sounds good as well as their mysterious appearance which sounds very alien and eerie. All in all I like it though.

[Malloriel]

Originally Posted by Ghost of Harrenhal

A nice description, certainly detailed and I didn't feel confused at any moment while reading it I don't think but it all sounds very Elvish. That's fine because many fantasy stories have some kind of race similar to what we would nowadays call an elf but I don't know how far you really want to take this. Try not to make them generic stock elves with a different name. The borderline xenophobia sounds good as well as their mysterious appearance which sounds very alien and eerie. All in all I like it though.

I'm actually trying to separate them as much as possible from the traditional idea of elves because every fantasy series these days DOES seem to have their own version, and I don't want mine to end up dribbling into that same place. It's not a bad place, but when you're looking to be somewhere else and you find yourself standing where so many others have stood, you can get a little disappointed and/or frustrated. They're not done yet. We'll see after I maybe write a passage or three about Sylfier how their society grows and shifts.

As much as I truly, honestly worship and adore elves, I'm at a place now where I can no longer really appreciate how prevalent they are and how easy it is for people to simply overlay the elf template onto anything that sounds remotely similar, writers and readers alike. I won't deny that the maeyenin as a race began with the elven template, but we do all have to start somewhere. I just hope I can deviate from it enough to help them (in their four distinct societies) stand alone in all their glory.

I really appreciate the feedback. ^_^ Even if it is saying what I most want to avoid >.< Just means I know what I need to go back in and work on. I've just been drawing a blank for "sit down and work this out" inspiration and feel I'd do better improvising as I need it. So, we'll see!