Next part of short story

[Jerico]

Here's the next part of my short story. Again thanks in advance.

The foreign man just stood there, his red albino eyes passing slowly over the four men blocking the path. He leaned forward, lowering himself to their level, long straight white hair cascading from his head to hang below the gaunt features of his face.

“Do you know who I am little man?” his voice boomed in irritation.

The leader of the four men took a hesitant step backward, the realisation of their mistake clearly palpable through his paling features. “Er no,” he replied with uncertainty.

Correll straightened, the sudden movement and his great stature casting further doubt upon the already concerned faces in front of him.

“Well then,” he said simply. “I must show you so you may tell all you see that Correll Soullas has arrived in your land.”

He let the black cloak he wore part to reveal his broad chest covered with blood red plated armour. The men stood rooted to the ground, fear weighing unnaturally heavy upon their souls. Any thoughts of robbery had long since left them, their terror heightened by the strange ripple that ran across his torso like a stone disturbing still waters’ serenity.

“Wh..what are you?” whispered one of the men after a dramatic pause finally gave him breath enough to speak.

Correll laughed throwing his head back, a deep rumble that echoed about the dingy woodland, finally coming to rest upon their dampened spirits. His armour reacted in a frenzy of movement, wisps of smoke rushing this way and that across it, and on one occasion there may even have been the outline of a face trying to break free.

“What am I?” he reflected enjoying their discomfort. “I suppose you could say that I was a collector of sorts. I take a man’s will and test it. If it is worthy of me and of any use, then I keep it in here,” he said banging a metal gauntlet on his chest.

He stared intensely at their leader. “I wonder, would your soul serve my purpose?” he spoke, smiling wickedly. “Would it lead me to Thashe?”

The man gulped and finally found his feet. Turning, he ran screaming into the undergrowth closely followed by his men. The deep laughter pursued them, a chill upon the heels of fleeing cowards, and Correll continued his journey.

**************************

It was midday by the time Frey had decided upon the best course of action, she must face him. Their last meeting had been a century ago and it still left a bitter taste in her mouth when she thought over what had happened.

She looked at Shale, her poor unfortunate young apprentice. He had been so very promising, her last true student, so full of great potential before Correll had unleashed his power upon him. It had taken all of her knowledge and skill to trap Shale’s soul mid journey and transfer it into the owl that had been flying overhead, much to Correll’s annoyance.

Frey cackled out loud, she had given him a sting he wouldn’t forget in hurry that day, not that it was any compensation to her loss.

Shale swivelled his head to look behind him, his big black eyes boring into Frey’s back. “I know exactly what you’re laughing about,” he hooted in disdain.

“Oh stop your belly aching,” snapped Frey. “At least I saved you from an eternity of torture writhing about on Correll’s chest.”

“That may be so but you could have at least given me a more useful body,” he complained.

“I apologise but there wasn’t anything else within the vicinity at the time of my most trivial insignificant deed,” she countered sarcastically. “Maybe you should learn to stay out of disagreements that don’t concern you.”

Shale blinked a number of times, “I don’t mean to sound ungrateful mistress, it would just be nice to stretch my wings sometimes and feel the wind in my feathers,” he said dreamily.

“Very well,” she replied abruptly. “I was about to bi-locate to Correll so perhaps you’d like to come with me.”

Shale ruffled his feathers dramatically, the thought of being in two different places at once did not appeal to him and he certainly did not relish the prospect of being face to face with Correll again.

“I think I should stay and look after the shop,” he answered as assertively as he could manage.

Frey cackled again as she began her travel incantation.

[ctg]

Originally Posted by Jerico

The foreign man just stood there, his red albino eyes passing slowly over the four men blocking the path. He leaned forward, lowering himself to their level, long straight white hair cascading from his head to hang below the gaunt features of his face.

If you are writing this on Correll POV, then write in on his POV, and forget the omniscient narrator, because it doesn't belong there. You should start with ... Correll just stood there, glaring the four men blocking his path, guessing that they had never seen an albino in their life. He took a step forward, and leaned down stare the pack leader in the eyes.

Therefore instead of you writing from a Narrator POV, you write from Correll POV and tell what he sees, observe, and think about the matters happening around him. Hopefully that makes sense, as you should rewrite the whole chapter in that way.

It was midday by the time Frey had decided upon the best course of action, she must face him. Their last meeting had been a century ago and it still left a bitter taste in her mouth when she thought over what had happened.

He must have tasted pretty damn bad for a taste lasting that long </sarcasm> ... I think better wording would in place ... Their last meeting had been a century ago, and she never really had got over all those bitter memories.

Shale ruffled his feathers dramatically, the thought of being in two different places at once did not appeal to him and he certainly did not relish the prospect of being face to face with Correll again.

“I think I should stay and look after the shop,” he answered as assertively as he could manage.

Frey cackled again as she began her travel incantation.

You cannot skip in shale head in the middle of the chapter, because it confuses a heck out of people. You need to find another way. Maybe something like this .... Shale ruffled his feathers. Frey thought that he might not want face the prospect of meeting Correll again ....


You are getting there man keep pushing your limits and you'll will get it right at the end. I had to go through the same bloody cycle myself, and I think being a slight mental (schizophrenic) might help any aspiring writers (like us).

[Michael01]

Um ... what ctg said. Otherwise, great story, Jerico! Keep it up.

On a side note, I'm not schizophrenic, but I AM extrememly neurotic. Does that count?

[ctg]

He he, if it makes your magic to flow, then yes.

[Jerico]

I get what you mean ctg, because I started the second section from Freys POV I can't then change in the middle of it and write from Shales. So I need to express what he's feeling etc through Freys observations, is that correct??

When in your opinion is it ok to use the omniscient narrator, just at the beginning of a piece of work and changes of location?

Thanks mate, keep the advice coming.

[ctg]

Originally Posted by Jerico

I get what you mean ctg, because I started the second section from Freys POV I can't then change in the middle of it and write from Shales. So I need to express what he's feeling etc through Freys observations, is that correct??

Yes, that is correct, Frey can only know so much about what is going in Shales head, but when you write it, it can as be close to the real truth as possible.

When in your opinion is it ok to use the omniscient narrator, just at the beginning of a piece of work and changes of location?

Never at the beginning of the work, because narrator at there become a info-dumber, if you know what I mean. Therefore the only good place to use omniscient narrator is on world-building between the chapters, or if you don't want to do world-building, then you can use it to build tension because you can describe movements of masses or individuals without ever going in middle of them, or in their head.

If you use omniscient narrator in middle of the chapter, then you have to denounce it use by leaving an empty line between the paragraphs. This will tell to the reader that you have switched the perspective.

When you write the character then try use as much as of their feelings, thoughts, observations as possible to enrich the overall feeling or to change the mood of reader. Writing is manipulation of human thoughts, and if you get that right, then you have done your work well.

[Jerico]

Thanks for your feedback ctg, it's starting to become clearer in my cluttered head

If I can just pose another question, if you have a scene where the two main characters (the protagonist and antagonist for example) are having a conversation/argument that is important to the storyline, whose POV would you write it from when you want to show the feelings of both persons? Or is there another technique you can employ for this?

Thanks in advance

[ctg]

Originally Posted by Jerico

Thanks for your feedback ctg, it's starting to become clearer in my cluttered head

If I can just pose another question, if you have a scene where the two main characters (the protagonist and antagonist for example) are having a conversation/argument that is important to the storyline, whose POV would you write it from when you want to show the feelings of both persons? Or is there another technique you can employ for this?

Thanks in advance

That is your decision, but what you can do there is that you use dramatic elements to build the other character feelings that the narrating character observers.

Underneath is a cut from such an occasion ...

...The Silver-Line was one of the shops at the edge of the Circuit City and it was so far in the shadows that no normal person would ever have wandered there without an escort. In the other hand, none of those normal people would ever want to have the specialized service that the street-clinic offered. Gordon knew the place from the Roy the Reaper case.
Gordon and Rimsky were repeating their act to the receptionist when something at the background caught Gordon’s attention. He turned his head and saw a familiar looking dwarf following a very discreet looking group to the back door areas.
"Rimsky," Gordon nodded in the dwarf direction. "Check that out."
"It can't be, can it?" Rimsky said. "Do you think what I think?"
"I do," Gordon said. "He was sitting there all the time and I didn't even notice." He looked at receptionist and said as he chucked couple of large bills on the table. "I think our business is done here. We appreciate the information you provided to us, and we hope you will not remember us."
"Thank you gents for your generous contribution for our task of finding a cure to neural degradation," The receptionist smiled and handed Gordon’s list back to him. Gordon quickly pocketed it and pulled Rimsky with him. He did not stop walking until he was sure that they were out from the bouncer’s sight.
"I think they all are there, even the traveller," Gordon took out his mobile. "I'm going to call back up…" Gordon looked up and said. “Did you hear that…” He saw a black leather-clad woman coming down a silvery thread that hundreds of metal spiders were spewing out and knitting together. Before he could react at anyway, Lily was down. She quickly snatched the mobile from Gordon’s hand and crushed it.
"Gordon, darling," Lily threw the pieces over her shoulder. "You have been such a naughty boy. You’ve been paying for information about a very secret program that I am protecting, andthis investigation ends here.”
"RIMSKY RUN." Gordon shouted as he charged head-on to Lily.

[Jerico]

Thank you for your help, I shall do some rewriting, hopefully I'll get there one day!!

[ctg]

You will mate, you will. Pulling the creative ideas from under your hat is the hardest part, rest is just following the rules, and making it right.

[Jerico]

I've just finished making some big changes following your advice and I'm happy with them so thanks again for your help ctg. If you'd like to read the end result as well as the third and final part of the short story then let me know and I'll private message it to you.

[ctg]

Sure go ahead.