Beginning of short story

[Jerico]

Hi, just thought I would post the beginning of one of my short stories to see if you liked it. Thanks for any critique in advance.


Lightning flashed, scoring a jagged cut across the black sky followed by the low growl of thunder that ended in an almighty roar. A lonely figure stood perched high atop the watchtower, never taking their eyes away from the pass into the Dorthian Mountain range. If it hadn’t of been for the long strands of hair whipped up by the wind he could have been mistaken for a statue.

Briefly looking down into the keep he saw the faint glow of a torch making its way toward his tower. Rubbing his eyes and yawning he thought it was about time that he was relieved and not a moment to soon, the chill on the wind threatened rain.

Turning back toward the mountains he squinted, shifting his head to one side, “Was that movement?” he thought out loud. Another bolt of lightning illuminated the open ground ahead of him and he scanned the area for confirmation. There was nothing, just tired eyes playing tricks. The watcher handed over duties and made his way toward the warm and welcome barracks.

**************************

Frey woke with a start. The fire had burnt low and her back had begun to ache as the cold seeped into her bones. She wiggled herself forward in the large armchair and heaved her bulk over the edge and onto her feet. Grabbing a couple of large dry logs from the wicker basket next to the hearth she tossed them into the glowing embers before falling back into the cushioned embrace of her chair.

Willing the flames to take light, she pondered over what had caused her to wake as the hour was still late and morning was far away. Closing her eyes she let senses wander, long tendrils of mist probing their way through the city seeking something out of place. When they found nothing untoward she grumbled impatiently and pushed them out further. As they drifted their way around the Garrison of Mynoth she felt a strange but familiar presence, one that she had not experienced for a long time.

The clarity of the age-old memory rekindled, brought with it a nauseating sense of dread; unceremoniously dragging her out of the sentience. An uncomfortable shiver ran her spine and she stared angrily at the fireplace that still lay in darkness. Flames sprang forth from the dying ashes and licked the wood, teasing their way into the dead fibres.

She turned and looked up at the old hard wood perch that stood tiredly in the corner of the room, the black round eyes of her owl starred back at her.

“That was most unpleasant Shale, most unpleasant indeed,” she grumbled.

Shale blinked back at her, he knew better than to engage her in conversation when she was in a bad mood, learning long ago to speak only when asked.

Frey pushed herself out of the chair again and waddled over to a precarious looking bookshelf. “Now where is that book?” she asked rhetorically, absently pulling at her long tangled grey hair.

Closing her eyes she pictured the aged old textbook in her mind, willing it out. There came the sound of leather softly caressing, followed soon after by a thud and an unwelcome cloud of dust that mushroomed up from where the book lay on the floor. Frey awkwardly stooped grabbing the green leather bound tome and carried it over to her table that was littered with pots and pans.

Clearing a space she gently placed it down and blew away any remaining dust that sat on its cover. The binding creaked as she opened the book and began flicking through the damp stained pages.

“Now where was it?” she mused, sucking on a bony finger.

As the pages trickled away a frown ruffled her brow, doubt casting its spell. “I’m sure it’s this book,” came a reassuring whisper as she gathered the pages together and began sifting through them again.

“Aha,” she exclaimed halfway through her search. “Here it is.”

Studying the scribbled faded text she drank in the information and waited for it all to slot into place, gazing up at the ceiling, pondering the meaning of what she had just read.

Sucking the air through her remaining teeth she turned and looked at Shale. “This is worse than I thought old friend, a lot worse. It would seem that Correll is here.”

[Michael01]

Not bad, Jerico. Looks like you've got a pretty good start here. There are some minor issues with punctuation that are easily fixed. You didn't ask specifically for that kind of critique, however, and I don't won't overstep and boundaries, but I will say that I know I miss things like that myself no matter how many time I proofread. An extra set of eyes is always a boon to me, so if you do want some help there I'll be glad to go over it again.

Also, it seems there are a few places where you seem to "tell" more than you "show," but I am definitely not an expert on that. In fact, I'd say that I do it a lot more than you, so hopefully someone with a better eye for "show vs. tell" will come in here and give a you hand with it.

EDIT: Oh, sorry. I forgot the most important thing: I enjoyed it, and would be very willing to continue reading it.

[ctg]

Originally Posted by Jerico

Lightning flashed, scoring a jagged cut across the black sky followed by the low growl of thunder that ended in an almighty roar. A lonely figure stood perched high atop the watchtower, never taking their eyes away from the pass into the Dorthian Mountain range. If it hadn’t of been for the long strands of hair whipped up by the wind he could have been mistaken for a statue.

This is a problematic paragraph, as you use omniscient narrator and then suddenly move to a POV character and then back again. Then in next paragraph you move on the third person POV.

Turning back toward the mountains he squinted, shifting his head to one side, “Was that movement?” he thought out loud. Another bolt of lightning illuminated the open ground ahead of him and he scanned the area for confirmation. There was nothing, just tired eyes playing tricks. The watcher handed over duties and made his way toward the warm and welcome barracks.

Remove the last line, and we readers can believe that the watcher gets relieved without you telling it.

Frey woke with a start.

Frey woke to a startling coldness. (?)

She turned and looked up at the old hard wood perch that stood tiredly in the corner of the room, the black round eyes of her owl starred back at her.

“That was most unpleasant Shale, most unpleasant indeed,” she grumbled.

Shale blinked back at her, he knew better than to engage her in conversation when she was in a bad mood, learning long ago to speak only when asked.

You switch between the two characters.

Closing her eyes she pictured the aged old textbook in her mind, willing it out. There came the sound of leather softly caressing, followed soon after by a thud and an unwelcome cloud of dust that mushroomed up from where the book lay on the floor. Frey awkwardly stooped grabbing the green leather bound tome and carried it over to her table that was littered with pots and pans.

She closes her eyes, therefore she cannot see the dust-cloud (I love the mushroom image, it's very cartoon-ish), unless her magical power gives her a true-sight.


Rest of the text is very good, and shows your talent as a storyteller. Well done Jerico.

[chopper]

aye, the others have just about summed it all up, i think. you seem to be indicating that Frey is an elderly character, but i may have that wrong - just guessing from phrases like "awkwardly stooping".
otherwise, it flows well and i enjoyed it too - looking forward to reading more from you.

s

[Jerico]

Thanks for your comments.
Michael - I know what you mean about proof reading and punctuation, however many times I do it there's always bits I miss!
CTG - I have to admit I do really struggle with the narrator/POV storytelling style. It's my tennis elbow, I can't help continually switching between the two and I know it's not conventional so I just hope it doesn't make everything too disjointed. I'll keep working on it but anyone got any tips on how to avoid doing it?? (Noted about the closed eyes)
Chopper - Thanks, I'll new thread the next part for everyones comments.
Thanks people.

[ctg]

We all do Jerico, we all do. My advice is to stick with your own head throughout one chapter and then change the head, if you get what I mean. Now I'm off to shopping and I'll check your other piece later on.