A little help with writing out some action

[shamguy4]

My character is running through a hallway, truning many corners, when he truns a corner and smacks into an old man...

but I'm not sure how to go about wording this...
At first i wrote:
As he ran around the corner he smacked right into something... he felt dazed and as he took a step back he noticed it wasnt something but rather someone.

But I felt there needed to be action so then I erased that and wrote:

He began to run and it was at his next corner when there was a big smack!
he felt dazed as he took a step back. It took him a second to realize he had bashed into someone, a man, and he too seemed to be shaken up.


which one is better? or is there a btter way to write this altogether? I just want there to be a feeling of Ouch! rather than ...ok he bumped into a man.... yay...

[Zubi-Ondo]

Originally Posted by shamguy4

My character is running through a hallway, truning many corners, when he truns a corner and smacks into an old man...

but I'm not sure how to go about wording this...
At first i wrote:
As he ran around the corner he smacked right into something... he felt dazed and as he took a step back he noticed it wasnt something but rather someone.

But I felt there needed to be action so then I erased that and wrote:

He began to run and it was at his next corner when there was a big smack!
he felt dazed as he took a step back. It took him a second to realize he had bashed into someone, a man, and he too seemed to be shaken up.


which one is better? or is there a btter way to write this altogether? I just want there to be a feeling of Ouch! rather than ...ok he bumped into a man.... yay...

If I had to choose, I like the first one better. If I'm getting what you want when you say you "want there to be a feeling of Ouch!", what I would recommend is tightening what I call the "psychic distance" - how close the narrator is to the character.

For example "The sound of his footsteps pounding the floor echoed back at him as he ran down the narrow corridors, quickly turning down each new opening. As he rounded the next turn, something flashed and he was in sudden pain. For a brief moment he saw stars. As the pain subsided, he took a step back and saw that he had run into someone. An old man - who appeared to be in pain now too."

I would try to avoid saying things like "He began to run..." it's what they call the "passive voice". Always use action verbs to describe action - especially if it's lively. Say "he ran, she flew, it poured" rather than "he was running, she was flying, it was pouring". As in all writing guidelines, there are always exceptions. I suggest looking at similar scenes in your favorite novels for good examples. Good Luck !

- Z.

[shamguy4]

Thanks!!

Yeah I have to get better at the passive and active voice stuff... sometimes I understand it and sometimes its hard to differentiate...


I like your sentence!! Except I might change 'flash' to 'bang'
...there was a bang and he was in sudden pain...
I had a sentence like that in another chapter which I don't have anymore... because i got rid of it...

[shamguy4]

ok im still needing help...
there was a bang is still passive...

I wrote another sentence...
"As he walked down the hall he noticed a big clock perched on the wall, and he began to run, knowing he had only a little time left."

Is this passive or active? or nothing? I need help understanding when its active or not... and when it should be active...

thanks...

[ctg]

"As he walked down the hall he noticed a big clock perched on the wall, and he began to run, knowing his time was running out."

[Zubi-Ondo]

In reference to your question about passive vs. active - try this:

UC Writing Handouts: Passive Voice

- Z.