Comment on the action

[ctg]

The excerpt is from second half, and I would like you guys rate on the action and clarity. Is it too lame, or does it move forward too fast? Anything else? Please comment.

[111100]

Gordon woke up to his mobile ringing on his bedside table. He opened his eyes and saw all the lights in his bedroom flashing, almost as if they were as crazy as the automated blinds that went up and down. The big screen television on opposite side of the wall flipped open, and channels in it changed in fast pace.

‘Hackers’, Gordon thought as picked up his phone, and checked the caller display that said Withheld. It could be anyone, but it also could be the hacker itself. ‘What the bloody hell they want from me?’ He pressed the green button hoping to get an answer to his question.

"Gordon I need your help,” female voice said straight away. Her voice was shattering and full of desperation. “Grandpa is d-dead, and I’m a-alone. Please help me…”

“Who is this?” Gordon frowned and checked the time from his mobile display. It was early morning hours. He had been in sleep for five hours.

“Katie,” female sobbed.

“Katie,” Gordon said. He threw aside his duvet and jumped on warm floor. “Did you say your grandfather is dead? What happened?” He walked on the window, turned off the blinds and watched outside to the dark London.

Katie didn’t stop from crying, and Gordon had to repeat the question to get an answer out from her. Finally she calmed enough to say, “S-someone came and s-shot him … h-his dead. G-George went m-mad, and r-run out-s-side … and h-his dead too. I’m s-scared.”

Gordon placed his hand against the glass, wishing to be outside there helping her. “Katie, listen. Was it a woman? Was it a black woman?”

“Y-yes,” Katie said before she burst on tears.

“Lilith,” Gordon spat out. He scratched his head as he thought what he could do. Several options came in his mind, but he need to know few things before that. “Where are you? Where are you making this call?”

“H-home, in safe-room,” Katie answered. “Who is Lilith?”

“An assassin,” Gordon answered. He set his mobile on speaker mode, put it on top the dressing table, and started to dress up. “Listen Katie, I’m coming to get you, but that is going to take a little while. Do not go out and if … if you have any weapons, then arm yourself.”

“Are you really coming?” Katie calmed down a bit more.

“Yes,” Gordon said as he pulled his belt thigh, threw his collar shirt on and plugged his feet in shoes. “I am really coming…” Then he stopped as he heard a loud bang coming from a speaker, followed by louder bang that turned Katie mental on the other end.

“She is here, I can see her from the monitors,” Katie screamed, and on background, Gordon heard her rustling with something and then dropping something metallic on the floor.

Without waiting any more Gordon turned off the speaker phone, picked up his jackets and moved out from his apartment. “Listen Katie, I am really coming and I want you to do anything that makes you feel safe. Barricade yourself in and prepare for the worst.” Gordon said as he signalled to patrolling officer outside his apartment to follow. “Can you do that?”

“Yes I can,” Katie said and Gordon heard her moving in the room. The police officer run on his side and Gordon explained quietly as he moved towards the elevators. “I need you to call in HQ and request for Rabid Assault Team to go out to deal with an assassination attempt.”

The officer acknowledged and spat in his radio, “This is patrol four twenty five. DCI Gordon reporting two eighteen in progress and requesting code eleven for outside duty, over…”

A few second later his radio rattled. “This is HQ, code eleven ready in bay three. I repeat, code eleven ready in bay three, over…”

That satisfied Gordon. He hastily saluted the officer, before run down the corridor and took first available lift to the space-dock levels. The bay three was just thirty levels directly above his apartment. In fact, every people needed in the emergency situations lived in the Baxter building. Only the CSI scientists and few high ranking senior Metropolitan Police and Royal Scotland Yard personnel lived elsewhere.

When the elevator reached the floor, Gordon saw a black glad SWAT team leader waiting for him. He pressed the mute button his phone, and said to him. “I have a witness under an assault in corner of Bayswater Road and Queensway. Tell your team to prepare to take down an assassin.”

Team leader nodded on agreement, murmured on his throat mikes while he escorted Gordon to the Metropolitan Police assault hopper. As soon as they reached the vehicle, Gordon heard banging ending and Katie saying. “She is gone. She left…”

“Are you sure?” Gordon asked, as he hastily run on the cockpit to sit down on his chair next to the acting Lieutenant. He tapped him on the shoulder and when he turned around Gordon pointed his finger up and waved it around. Lieutenant nodded as he understood, and started to spat commands to his team.

“Yeah, I’m positive. I cannot see her from the monitors…”

“That might be a trick to lure you out.” Gordon said, and braced himself against the seat as the assault hopper jumped up, and blasted out from the landing bay.

“Oh my god, there is a smoke in the corridor,” Katie gasped.

“Ok Katie, there is nothing to worry about.” Gordon said at the same time as he signalled the situation to the Lieutenant. “You are in safe room. You cannot be harmed there.”

Lieutenant nodded, and then pointed at one of the monitors at front of him. The old hotel was in flames. The lower levels were completely engulfed by the flames, which were rabidly rising higher. Gordon shook his head on disbelief. Dark Lilith must have tabs in their network, and she wasn’t ready to let her prey off the hook so easily.

“There is a lot of smoke in the corridor, and it’s coming in,” Katie said, and coughed a couple of times. “You are not going to let me die Gordon, are you?”

Gordon looked at Lieutenant, who was waiting for his instructions. He nodded and said on the phone. “You are going to be safe Katie. The safe room is in the top floor, behind the glasshouse, yes?” Katie agreed. Gordon pressed the mute button on his mobile and said Lieutenant. “Blast the ceiling, and rappel down. She is in North West corner of the building. Beware of the assassin.”

Lieutenant nodded, pressed few buttons on keyboard and highlighted the old hotel ceiling in the monitor, while returned to keep Katie calm at the other end. Few moments later he watched from the monitors as two fiery streaks crossed the sky, and landed on the top of the building, blasting huge holes on the ceiling. Then the ramp opened and assault team moved there to rappel down. As soon as the first one stepped on the edge, a bullet pierced his skull and landed on the ceiling. The assault team backed up, turned on their cybernetics, and let go from the ropes. When the team leader shouted “Go, Go, GO,” they run down the ramp and jump off from the vessel.

Gordon turned his attention to the monitors to watch them land in the blast holes one by one, while shot from opposite building rang down. The lieutenant marked the building, pushed the button and assault hopper blasted on the sky while it dropped battle-drones. One by one, the drones connected to the screens next to the assault team ones, which now showed two wounded and one dead. In few minutes, the assault team had reached the panic-room, while the drones lost the trace on the assassin. Dark Lilith had vanished.

[111101]

[svalbard]

Hi ctg,

The action is good. Pretty breathless in fact and you get the feeling of urgency across well. You may need to go back over it and look at some of your grammar. I noticed that you have left out the letter 'a' on a number of sentences. But that is easily corrected on an edit. Good stuff.

[ctg]

Yep, that's one of my biggest problem as I am not a native speaker. Sometimes I just forget the little words all together, and just concentrate to paint the picture.

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by ctg

The excerpt is from second half, and I would like you guys rate on the action and clarity. Is it too lame, or does it move forward too fast? Anything else? Please comment.

[111100]

Gordon woke up to his mobile ringing on his bedside table. He opened his eyes and saw all the lights in his bedroom flashing, almost as if they were as crazy as the automated blinds that went up and down. The big screen television on

the opposite side of the wall, or on the opposite wall (if it were on the opposite side it would be facing away from the bedroom)

opposite side of the wall flipped open, and channels in it changed in

at a fast pace; but just "rapidly" would probably suffice

fast pace.

‘Hackers’, Gordon thought as picked up his phone, and checked the caller display that said Withheld. It could be anyone, but it also could be the hacker itself. ‘What the bloody hell they want from me?’ He pressed the green button

comma

hoping to get an answer to his question.

"Gordon

comma

I need your help,”

a

female voice said straight away. Her voice was shattering

I don't think "shattering" is quite the right word

and full of desperation. “Grandpa is d-dead, and I’m a-alone. Please help me…”

“Who is this?” Gordon frowned and checked the time from his mobile display. It was early morning hours. He had been in sleep

"asleep", or "sleeping" rather than "in sleep"

for five hours.

“Katie,”

the

female sobbed.

“Katie,” Gordon said. He threw aside his duvet and jumped on warm floor. “Did you say your grandfather is dead? What happened?” He walked on

probably "to" the window

the window, turned off the blinds and watched outside to the dark London.

Katie didn’t stop from

no need for the "from"

crying, and Gordon had to repeat the question to get an answer out from

"from" (without the "out") or "out of"

her. Finally she calmed enough to say, “S-someone came and s-shot him … h-his

"he's" rather than "his"

dead. G-George went m-mad, and r-run

ran (I run, I ran, I have run -- splendidly logical, English)

out-s-side … and h-his

he's

dead too. I’m s-scared.”

Gordon placed his hand against the glass, wishing to be outside there helping her. “Katie, listen. Was it a woman? Was it a black woman?”

“Y-yes,” Katie said before she burst on tears.

“Lilith,” Gordon spat out. He scratched his head as he thought what he could do. Several options came in his mind, but he need to know

a

few things before that. “Where are you? Where are you making this call?”

“H-home, in safe-room,” Katie answered. “Who is Lilith?”

“An assassin,” Gordon answered. He set his mobile on speaker mode, put it on top the dressing table, and started to dress up

no need for the "up" unless he's disguising himself

. “Listen Katie, I’m coming to get you, but that is going to take a little while. Do not go out and if … if you have any weapons, then arm yourself.”

“Are you really coming?” Katie calmed down a bit more.

“Yes,” Gordon said as he pulled his belt thigh

I suspect that's "tight"

, threw his collar shirt on and plugged his feet in

strange, but not disagreeable concept, "plugging in" ones feet; but $i think it would be "plugged his feet into shoes"

shoes. “I am really coming…” Then he stopped as he heard a loud bang coming from a speaker, followed by louder bang that turned Katie mental on the other end.

“She is here, I can see her from the monitors,” Katie screamed, and on

"in the" (intead of "on")

background, Gordon heard her rustling

perhaps that's "wrestling"?

with something and then dropping something metallic on the floor.

Without waiting any more Gordon turned off the speaker phone,

phone speaker, rather than speaker phone

picked up his jackets and moved out from his apartment. “Listen Katie, I am really coming and I want you to do anything that makes you feel safe. Barricade yourself in and prepare for the worst.” Gordon said as he signalled to patrolling officer outside his apartment to follow. “Can you do that?”

“Yes I can,” Katie said

comma

and Gordon heard her moving in the room. The police officer run on

ran to?

his side and Gordon explained quietly as he moved towards the elevators. “I need you to call in HQ and request for Rabid Assault Team to go out to deal with an assassination attempt.”

The officer acknowledged and spat in his radio, “This is patrol four twenty five. DCI Gordon reporting two eighteen in progress and requesting code eleven for outside duty, over…”

A few second later his radio rattled. “This is HQ, code eleven ready in bay three. I repeat, code eleven ready in bay three, over…”

That satisfied Gordon. He hastily saluted the officer, before run

before running down the corridor and taking the first

down the corridor and took first available lift to the space-dock levels. The bay three was just thirty levels directly above his apartment. In fact, every people

everybody, or all the people

needed in the

without the "the"?

emergency situations lived in the Baxter building. Only the CSI scientists and few high ranking senior Metropolitan Police and Royal Scotland Yard personnel lived elsewhere.

When the elevator reached the floor, Gordon saw a black glad

"clad", rather than "glad"

SWAT team leader waiting for him. He pressed the mute button his phone, and said to him. “I have a witness under an assault in corner of Bayswater Road and Queensway. Tell your team to prepare to take down an assassin.”

Team leader nodded on agreement, murmured

mumuring - though it's a rather peaceful word for the situation

on his throat mikes while he escorted Gordon to the Metropolitan Police assault hopper. As soon as they reached the vehicle, Gordon heard

the banging end

banging ending and Katie saying. “She is gone. She left…”

“Are you sure?” Gordon asked, as he hastily run on

ran to

the cockpit to sit down on his chair next to the acting Lieutenant. He tapped him on the shoulder and

comma

when he turned around

comma

Gordon pointed his finger up and waved it around.

The

Lieutenant nodded as he understood, and started to spat

to spit

commands to his team.

“Yeah, I’m positive. I cannot see her from the monitors…”

“That might be a trick to lure you out.” Gordon said, and braced himself against the seat as the assault hopper jumped up, and blasted out from the landing bay.

“Oh my god, there is a smoke in the corridor,” Katie gasped.

“Ok Katie, there is nothing to worry about.” Gordon said at the same time as he signalled the situation to the Lieutenant. “You are in

a

safe room. You cannot be harmed there.”

The

Lieutenant nodded, and then pointed at one of the monitors at front of him. The old hotel was in flames. The lower levels were completely engulfed by the flames, which were rabidly

rapidly (fire can't cach rabies) And maybe a synonym for one of the "flames"

rising higher. Gordon shook his head on disbelief. Dark Lilith must have tabs in their network, and she wasn’t ready to let her prey off the hook so easily.

“There is a lot of smoke in the corridor, and it’s coming in,” Katie said, and coughed a couple of times. “You are not going to let me die

comma

Gordon, are you?”

Gordon looked at

the

Lieutenant, who was waiting for his instructions. He nodded and said on the phone. “You are going to be safe

comma

Katie. The safe room is in the top floor, behind the glasshouse, yes?” Katie agreed. Gordon pressed the mute button on his mobile and said

to the

Lieutenant. “Blast the ceiling, and rappel down. She is in North West corner of the building. Beware of the assassin.”

The

Lieutenant nodded, pressed

a

few buttons on

his

keyboard and highlighted the old hotel ceiling in the monitor, while

Gordon?

returned to keep Katie calm at the other end.

A few

Few moments later he watched from the monitors as two fiery streaks crossed the sky, and landed on the top of the building, blasting huge holes on

"in" rather than"on"

the ceiling. Then the ramp opened and

the

assault team moved there to rappel down. As soon as the first one stepped on the edge, a bullet pierced his skull and

he? (did the bullet actually land on the ceiling, as stated?)

landed on the ceiling. The assault team backed up, turned on their cybernetics, and let go from

let go of

the ropes. When the team leader shouted “Go, Go, GO,” they run

ran

down the ramp and jump

jumped

off from the vessel.

Gordon turned his attention to the monitors to watch them land in the blast holes one by one, while shot from opposite building rang down.

while, from the opposite building, shots rang out?

The lieutenant marked the building, pushed the button and

an?

assault hopper blasted on

into

the sky while it dropped battle-drones. One by one, the drones connected to the screens next to the assault team ones, which now showed two wounded and one dead. In few minutes, the assault team had reached the panic-room, while the drones lost the trace on the assassin. Dark Lilith had vanished.

[111101]

[ctg]

Thank you very much Chris, here's the corrected excerpt.

[111100]

Gordon woke up to his mobile ringing on his bedside table. He opened his eyes and saw all the lights in his bedroom flashing, almost as if they were as crazy as the automated blinds that went up and down. The big screen television on opposite wall flipped open, and channels in it changed rabidly.
‘Hackers’, Gordon thought as picked up his phone, and checked the caller display that said Withheld. It could be anyone, but it also could be the hacker itself. ‘What the bloody hell they want from me?’ He pressed the green button, hoping to get an answer to his question.
“Gordon, I need your help,” a female voice said straight away. Her voice was full of desperation. “Grandpa is d-dead, and I’m a-alone. Please help me…”
“Who is this?” Gordon frowned and checked the time from his mobile display. It was early morning hours. He had been sleeping five hours.
“Katie,” the female sobbed.
“Katie,” Gordon said. He threw aside his duvet and jumped on warm floor. “Did you say your grandfather is dead? What happened?” He walked to the window, turned off the blinds and watched outside to the dark London.
Katie did not stop crying, and Gordon had to repeat the question to get an answer out from her. Finally she calmed enough to say, “S-someone came and s-shot him … h-his dead. G-George went m-mad, and r-ran out-s-side … and h-he’s dead too. I’m s-scared.”
Gordon placed his hand against the glass, wishing to be outside there helping her. “Katie, listen. Was it a woman? Was it a black woman?”
“Y-yes,” Katie said and fell back to cry more.
“Lilith,” Gordon spat out. He scratched his head as he thought what he could do. Several options came in his mind, but he need to know a few things before that. “Where are you? Where are you making this call?”
“H-home, in safe-room,” Katie answered. “Who is Lilith?”
“An assassin,” Gordon answered. He set his mobile on speaker mode, put it on top the dressing table, and started to dress. “Listen Katie, I’m coming to get you, but that is going to take a little while. Do not go out and if … if you have any weapons, then arm yourself.”
“Are you really coming?” Katie calmed down a bit more.
“Yes,” Gordon said as he pulled his belt tight, threw his collar shirt on and plugged his feet into shoes. “I am really coming…” Then he stopped as he heard a loud bang coming from a speaker, followed by louder bang that turned Katie mental on the other end.
“She is here, I can see her from the monitors,” Katie screamed, and in the background, Gordon heard her rustling paper and then dropping something metallic on the floor.
Without waiting anymore, Gordon turned off the phone speaker, picked up his jackets and moved out from his apartment. “Listen Katie, I am really coming and I want you to do anything that makes you feel safe. Barricade yourself in and prepare for the worst.” Gordon said as he signalled to patrolling officer outside his apartment to follow. “Can you do that?”
“Yes I can,” Katie said, and Gordon heard her moving in the room. The police officer ran to his side and Gordon explained quietly as he moved towards the elevators. “I need you to call in HQ and request for Rabid Assault Team to go out to deal with an assassination attempt.”
The officer acknowledged and spat in his radio, “This is patrol four twenty five. DCI Gordon reporting two eighteen in progress and requesting code eleven for outside duty, over…”
A few second later his radio rattled. “This is HQ, code eleven ready in bay three. I repeat, code eleven ready in bay three, over…”
That satisfied Gordon. He hastily saluted the officer, before running down the corridor and taking first available lift to the space-dock levels. The bay three was just thirty levels directly above his apartment. In fact, all the people needed in emergency situations lived in the Baxter building. Only the CSI scientists and few high ranking senior Metropolitan Police and Royal Scotland Yard personnel lived elsewhere.
When the elevator reached the floor, Gordon saw a black clad SWAT team leader waiting for him. He pressed the mute button his phone, and said to him. “I have a witness under an assault in corner of Bayswater Road and Queensway. Tell your team to prepare to take down an assassin.”
Team leader nodded on agreement, murmured on his throat mikes while he escorted Gordon to the Metropolitan Police assault hopper. As soon as they reached the vehicle, Gordon heard the banging end and Katie saying. “She is gone. She left…”
“Are you sure?” Gordon asked, as he hastily ran on the cockpit to sit down on his chair next to the acting Lieutenant. He tapped him on the shoulder, and when he turned around, Gordon pointed his finger up and waved it around. The lieutenant nodded as he understood, and started to spit commands to his team.
“Yeah, I’m positive. I cannot see her from the monitors…”
“That might be a trick to lure you out.” Gordon said, and braced himself against the seat as the assault hopper jumped up, and blasted out from the landing bay.
“Oh my god, there is a smoke in the corridor,” Katie gasped.
“Ok Katie, there is nothing to worry about.” Gordon said at the same time as he signalled the situation to the Lieutenant. “You are in a safe room. You cannot be harmed there.”
The lieutenant nodded, and then pointed at one of the monitors at front of him. The old hotel was in flames. The lower levels were completely engulfed by the flames, which were rapidly rising higher. Gordon shook his head on disbelief. Dark Lilith must have tabs in their network, and she wasn’t ready to let her prey off the hook so easily.
“There is a lot of smoke in the corridor, and it’s coming in,” Katie said, and coughed a couple of times. “You are not going to let me die, Gordon, are you?”
Gordon looked at the lieutenant, who was waiting for his instructions. He nodded and said on the phone. “You are going to be safe Katie. The safe room is in the top floor, behind the glasshouse, yes?” Katie agreed. Gordon pressed the mute button on his mobile and said to the lieutenant. “Blast the ceiling, and rappel down. She is in North West corner of the building. Beware of the assassin.”
The lieutenant nodded, pressed a few buttons on his keyboard and highlighted the old hotel ceiling, in the monitor while Gordon returned to keep Katie calm at the other end. A few moments later he watched from the monitors as two fiery streaks crossed the sky, and landed on the top of the building, blasting huge holes in the ceiling. Then the ramp opened and the assault team moved there to rappel down. As soon as the first one stepped on the edge, a bullet pierced his skull and landed on the ceiling. The assault team backed up, turned on their cybernetics, and let go of the ropes. When the team leader shouted, “Go, Go, GO,” they ran down the ramp and jumped off from the vessel.
Gordon turned his attention to the monitors to watch them land in the blast holes one by one, while dodging shots from the opposite building. The lieutenant marked the building, pushed the button and the assault hopper blasted into the sky while it dropped battle-drones. One by one, the drones connected to the screens next to the assault team ones, which now showed two wounded and one dead. In few minutes, the assault team had reached the panic-room, while the drones lost the trace on the assassin. Dark Lilith had vanished.

[111101]

mur·mur (mûrmr)n.1. A low, indistinct, continuous sound: spoke in a murmur; the murmur of the waves.
2. An indistinct, whispered, or confidential complaint; a mutter.

I think when you speak in the throat microphones, the person who listens to it, hears it as murmuring. Wiki says following,

A throat microphone, also laryngophone is a type of microphone that picks up sound directly through sensors in contact with the neck. Because of this design, it is able to pick up speech in loud environments such as on a motorcycle or in a night club where other types of microphones would not function well because the speech would be drowned out by background noise. This type of microphone is also able to pick up whispers and works well in an environment where one has to keep quiet while communicating with others at a distance such as during a covert military operation. Throat microphones were also extensively used in World War II-era aircraft.

[chrispenycate]

Sub-vocalisation - throat microphones were used in high ambient noise regions, where noise cancelling would be inconvenient. They are quite uncomfortable – we planned to use one on a drummer on a rock and roll tour, but he gave up after only one rehearsal, so I actually own a couple. I don't know how WWII pilots could have worn them continuously for six-eight hour flights. And "muttering" I'd have accepted; it was "murmuring" that was too intimate for me.
And you can ignore their claim of a "whisper"; the things have almost no high frequency response, and a whisper consists almost entirely of sibilants. The optimum technique is a sort of growl, so the harmonics are generated in the larynx (less likely to be overheard than a whisper, anyway)

‘Hackers’, Gordon thought as he picked up his phone, and checked the caller display that said Withheld

Several options came in his mind, but he need to know a few things before that

"needed", rather than "need"

picked up his jackets and moved out from his apartment.

I assume multiple jackets because one is bullet-proof?

need you to call in HQ and request for Rabid Assault Team to go out to deal with an assassination attempt.”

Missed this last time. Rapid response team (except in occasional American thrillers where insane viciousness is standard)

Gordon asked, as he hastily ran on the cockpit to sit down on his chair

is he actually running along on the cockpit? Or running to the cockpit to get in?

She is in the North West corner of the building

But this is only grammatical details (as is usual with me); you'll have to hope someone else will handle style and content.

[ctg]

Originally Posted by chrispenycate

Sub-vocalisation - throat microphones were used in high ambient noise regions, where noise cancelling would be inconvenient. They are quite uncomfortable – we planned to use one on a drummer on a rock and roll tour, but he gave up after only one rehearsal, so I actually own a couple. I don't know how WWII pilots could have worn them continuously for six-eight hour flights.

You learn to accept that they are there, like you learn to accept that a five kilo metal helmet on your head is good thing. More you use them, more new things you learn about them. Throat microphones are still in use by many spec op teams, and I believe that they going to be used in future as well. However, I guess in this instance the acceptance could be come, if reader would imagine the team leader wearing a helmet.

"needed", rather than "need"

I assume multiple jackets because one is bullet-proof?

Yes and no, the other jacket is a acid-rain proof one.

But this is only grammatical details (as is usual with me); you'll have to hope someone else will handle style and content.

I still would like to hear what did you think about it, (without your copy-editor hat on).