Chronicles of Chaos: Chapter 2 (excerpt)

[Malloriel]

This is the beginning of chapter two, as a total re-write, so I suppose you could call it a solid second draft. It picks up as our lead, Kale Westingdale, seeks out Lady Torenna's Hold brother, supposedly shacked up somewhere within a mountain a few miles outside the town where first they met. It is Kale's hope that this avatar will be able to help him clear the name of his best friend, Ralanir (accused of attacking Lady Torenna). This is Kale's climb.

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Kale glanced over his shoulder and down the sheer mountainside to watch as shale, disturbed by his attempts at climbing, skittered down the mountain to take other bits of rocky slivers with them before coming to rest too far down to be seen clearly. Determination kept him moving, ignoring the cuts on his dirt-caked hands, the aching burn in his muscles, and the constant searing attention of the sun at his back. Sweat crept all over him and, after mixing with the dust that he was certain covered every inch of his body, made him itch each time a sizable enough drop shifted. He could still see Ral's fear-filled eyes as shadows danced across his features, thrown by the flickering light of a torch. No matter how much Kale ached, or burned, or bled, he refused to give up. He might bleed a little, but this was his only lead, and Ral's life depended on his success.

Progress slowed here, so far up the mountain face. Somewhere below lay a path, but what began as an obvious and fairly safe route faded into something indiscernible from the rest of the ground around it. Kale chose what he thought would be the most likely continuation of the little dirt track and bit-by-bit found himself not simply walking, but climbing. He couldn't say the trail had looked well used, or much known, but it did look as though it'd been made by somewhat regular travel, enough that he'd really thought to find it picking back up again elsewhere, not forcing him to climb hand over fist up a cliff.

He squinted as he turned his gaze from the next handhold toward the mountain's peak, somewhere too far above him to be of any comfort. A groan attempted to work its way out, but failed miserable to produce anything greater than a sigh; mountains, majestic and captivating from afar, were tiresome and inconvenient things to climb.

"Ouch! Light burning, glory eating, minion of . . . ." Kale attempted to swear, but couldn't think of which god to curse more. Oh, he didn't really want to curse the gods themselves. He'd rather have them curse the mountain, or better yet curse whoever failed to make an easier path. Or, and even better, have them magically transport him to the top! And while they're at it, if they could clear Ralanir's name and start a cold bath for him, that would be fantastic as well.

Unfortunately, the gods remained as impassive as ever and did nothing obvious to help him. He did bleed a little more, though, rather inconveniently from his palm, which he'd planned on using to climb until he reached some sort of non-cliff-like area, or fell off and died of sheer exhaustion. Dying, while it did sound relaxing compared to the continued scaling of an infuriating mound of sharp things, really wasn't a viable option. He was left with only one alternative, which was to bite back the pain and push himself onward.

Several entertaining things happened just a few feet up, however, including a new understanding of the sensation of grit being shoved around inside an open wound, what it felt like to have an elbow collide with a bounder when he lost his footing, and falling onto his face when part of the rockwall disappeared into nothing. This last was the most entertaining of all, as long as ones understanding of the word "entertaining" included such terms as "uncomfortable", "confusing", and "generally painful".


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Now this is a first attempt at a completely rewritten second draft, so I expect there's still a ways to go before I'm completely satisfied with the phrasing and flow, but what do the lot of you think? Content, humor, etc.

[chrispenycate]

Progress slowed here, so far up the mountain face. Somewhere below lay a path, but what began as an obvious and fairly safe route faded into something indiscernible from the rest of the ground

I think that's “had begun“ and "had faded": and probably "had chosen"

A groan attempted to work its way out, but failed miserable to produce anything greater than a sigh

miserably

what it felt like to have an elbow collide with a bounder when he lost his footing,

I suspect that's"boulder", unless the cad's been waiting there for him.

I didn't notice any problems in my realm, and if the text fails to transmit in full the discomfort of rock climbing I suspect that's due to deficiencies in language, rather than your work.
Town dweller and no rope? I hope the dragon's got the kettle on.

[Malloriel]

I was actually copying from another computer, ancient thing that it is it can't transfer the work to the computer with internet, so those corrections are due to that, though I like the thought of a bounder laying in wait for him (^_^). And even if he carried rope with him, I'm not sure how much good it would do in climbing. He's not a trained climber, and most modern folk use anchor points.

As a matter of fact, the dragon DOES have the kettle on, though he wasn't expecting to have tea for two. Hehehe.

And do you mean the deficiencies in language itself hindering the full transference of thoughts, images, and emotions, or my use of it?

[chrispenycate]

It has been a long time since I last scrambled up vertical rock faces (and I did it for pleasure – difficult to understand one's earlier self) and never alone, nor without pitons, crampons, and lots of rope, but my memory can still throw up the discomfort of that time. Incidentally, the roping together of climbers is a fairly recent innovation; in the eighteenth century they were still carrying ladders to get them up the hard bits (which sort of restricts the mountains you can climb)
What I meant was, language itself was lacking (at least such language as can be used on a family friendly site such as this) in terms to describe the experience, although making people understand how unpleasant it is, with the tools at your disposal, is your challenge for this bit – your task, should you choose to accept it…

[chopper]

i seem to have missed this one in passing.

never mind, i'm here now

generally, not bad. the first sentence is a little too long for my liking and could be split down.

how steep a climb is it? if it is indeed sheer then it's a very risky business for a beginner, and i'd be tempted to cut a little of the humour in favour of Kale's tight, intense focus on the rocks in front of him. he'll not have time to look up much, neither will he really want to look down. i'd suggest making the climb more manageable for him - yes, dangerous if he stops concentrating, perhaps, but more realistic for the reader. especially in that bit where he slips a little - on a sheer face, that's all the way back down...
difficult to say for sure, as climbing for me is a spectator sport. but also beware of making your character do the near-impossible too early on in the book.

s