Peredur Redblade

[svalbard]

I have not posted here for a while. I have been fairly busy writing new material around vampires and King Arthur. This is an excerpt from the third chapter on my story of Arthur. Any comments would be appreciated as usual, especially around grammar and story lines. Thanks in advance.


CHAPTER 3

Gwynedd
SUMMER 475AD
Cynyr knew all about trouble. He had seen enough of it in his thirty years to know the look of it when he saw it. There was no doubting that the rider approaching up the path to his caer was the harbinger of ill-tidings. Such men had a way of carrying themselves. Purpose! It was in the way that they walked or rode. Straight and true with a flinty look in their eyes and a strong mind your own business set to their mouths. One look at this stranger told it all. Sighing, Cynyr walked out from the shadow of the gate to meet the man. Behind him, two spearmen followed.

“Greetings stranger,” Cynyr called out. The man stopped his horse moving forward and silently appraised Cynyr for a short moment. He was a handsome man and Cynyr wagered the man’s good looks had caused him trouble in the past.

“Would this be the fort of Cynyr Farfog?” the man asked, a hint of tiredness in his voice.

“Aye, this would be it,” Cynyr replied, noting the torn clothing of the stranger and faded blood stains on the man’s tunic.

“I would like to meet the great lord of these lands. His name is famous and I hear tell he is in need of a sword master to train his son and fosterlings,” the warrior said as he moved his mount closer to the gate.

“Hold where you are! I am Cynyr and I do not allow strange warriors into to my holdings,” Cynyr called out and gestured for his spearmen to step forward. The man regarded the spearmen with a curled lip.

“Is this how you greet a warrior who saved your life in battle?” the warrior questioned. The words surprised Cynyr, for he did not know the man.

“Your name?”

“Peredur map Idwal, although some just call me ‘Redblade’.”

Cynyr breathed in deeply, noticing that his two spearmen had taken an involuntary step back. Craven bastards. I will teach them later on. He gestured for Peredur to dismount as memories flooded Cynyr’s head.

Waves of noise crashed over him, joining with the excruciating pain screaming in his shattered arm. On his knees, he could only see the legs of the milling men about him. Desperately with his good hand he reached for his fallen sword, only for it to be kicked away. He looked up into the bearded face of an Irish raider whose face was contorted in a grimace of fury. The warrior’s arm was held back ready to thrust a spear into his face. Then the raider was falling backwards, a spray of blood arcing into the air.
“Remember me, Farfog!” a voice cried, it was the high pitched call of a youth. He looked up as a gangly youth leapt forwards, screaming at the top of his voice and driving into the massed ranks of the Irish raiders. “Redblade, Redblade!” roared a hundred voices.

“So it is you. I heard you were dead. Killed in the rebellion against Cadwallon,” he remarked, wishing he had a sword at hand.

“I am a hard man to kill. But even I cannot defeat the army of Gwynedd alone. I seek your protection and will swear an oath to serve you, lord,” Peredur said, and for the first time Cynyr thought he detected desperation in the man. Trouble indeed, he thought. His lands bordered those of Cadwallon and although he did not fall directly under the rule of Gwynedd, Cynyr needed to be careful when dealing with his more powerful neighbour. All his instincts were telling him to turn Peredur away and yet he owed this man his life. Debts must be honoured. It was a rule that Cynyr lived by and because of this he held that rare distinction in Britain. A man who could be trusted.

Cynyr waved his spearmen away and beckoned Peredur closer. He knew of the recent rebellion in Gwynedd against Cadwallon. One of the king’s younger sons had led it and paid for his madness with his life. Such was the way in these parts. Live hard and die young.

“Come. Follow me and we shall talk,” he said to Peredur. Some of the anger left Peredur’s eyes and he allowed himself a smile. It was the smile that transformed Peredur’s features. His face took on a handsome, youthful look and Cynyr mind wondered if this was what the god Llud looked like when he visited the mortal realm.

“Tell me of the recent troubles with Cadwallon as we walk,” Cynyr requested, leading Peredur through the gates and into the caer. They strolled across the open grounds before the great hall and Cynyr listened intently to Peredur’s description of the ill-fated rebellion. People should take Cadwallon more seriously, thought Cynyr. The man has never lost a battle and yet many think they can overthrow him. Fools! He allowed himself a few more bitter thoughts about the nobles of Gwynedd before turning his full attention upon Peredur. He needed to make a decision about the man. About them the folk of the caer stopped at their daily tasks to take in the two as they passed. Suddenly Peredur ceased talking and halted in his tracks. Puzzled Cynyr looked at the warrior to find him staring straight ahead. He was looking at four boys as they played in the summer sun.

“Is that them?” he asked.

“Yes.”
“There names?” Peredur strode ahead as he asked the question.

Cynyr quickly followed.

“The tall boy with the red hair is my son Cai. The dark haired one grappling with him is Conmor map Madoc, their watch dog. The child crawling on the ground is Bedwyr map Petroc. You know of Petroc?”

“A fearsome warrior. Dead now I believe,” Peredur said without emotion.

Yes he is and you killed him. Cynyr again stared at the tall warrior and thought as to why he did not have the man killed.

“The fair haired lad is Arthur then. The son of the last Pendragon. They are fine boys and I can see that I will not have any trouble in training them to be warriors,” Peredur said.

“It is not decided yet!” protested Cynyr.

Peredur turned to face Cynyr and the smile was gone. Replaced with a hard look of supreme confidence.

“But it is, my lord. You see I was sent for. Master Taliesin requested that I come and take up the tutelage of your charges. Since the death of Petroc there is none here suited to the task,” Peredur explained.

[ctg]

It flows very well, and I cannot see anything wrong with the grammar. It also reads like a excerpt from the earlier chapters, where people are still getting to know each other. Very nice writing Svalbard.

[Jerico]

I very good piece of writing svalbard, I've not read any of your work before and I really liked this. I definately wanted to read more of it as well!!!!! I only noticed a few parts that interupted my read.

1) "He looked up into the bearded face of an Irish raider whose face was contorted in a grimace of fury."
The same word being used twice too close together, maybe say "the bearded face of an Irish raider that was contorted..."

2) "About them the folk of the caer stopped at their daily tasks to take in the two as they passed."
I'm not really sure what caused me to pause here. Maybe change the beginning of the sentence to make it flow more smoothly "Around them the folk of the caer stopped their daily tasks..."

3) “But it is, my lord. You see I was sent for."
I was always warned against too many short sentences in a piece of writing as they can lose the effect they give. So how about "“But it is my lord, you see I was sent for by Master Taliesin. He requested..."

Just three very small points I noticed in an excellent piece of work.

[chopper]

likewise, i really enjoyed this. aside from a couple of spelling mistakes ("there names"), it was well up to scratch.

peredur comes across as a man holding all the cards close to his chest.

is there any indication of how long ago peredur saved Cynyr's life? i couldn't see one, but it may be mentioned in earlier chapters..

s

[Jimrollson]

Like your other pieces I really enjoy the dialogue. You always manage to keep things realistic and gritty through your speech.

I love the atmosphere you create and the different settings you use in your writing, especially the similarities with Norse culture.

Great stuff as per usual dude. Keep it up.

[svalbard]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Good suggestions Jerico and I will look at them. I should have spotted 'there' Chopper, thanks for that. As for when Peredur saved Cynyr's life, it is about 8 years in the past. Cynyr is thirty and Peredur is about 24 years old now. Thanks for the comments, Jimrollson, and I am glad you enjoyed the other pieces.

Ctg, this is the last chapter where I will be introducing a large group of caracters. After this it will be narrowed down to Arthur and his immediate band, I hope.

Thanks again.

[ctg]

Originally Posted by svalbard

Ctg, this is the last chapter where I will be introducing a large group of caracters. After this it will be narrowed down to Arthur and his immediate band, I hope.

Thank you, and I am sorry I couldn't offer grammatical help to you.

Does Arthur stay as a young man during the course of the book? It just did strike me that most of the people associate King Arthur, and his merry band of knights much older age group. But if Arthur is younger version, then I take that you are not going to introduce the Excalibur nor the Lady of the Lake in this book, are you?

Note on the character introductions, you don't have to introduce all of them at the beginning, just the main characters that are essential to the story. My latest impact character is introduced on 85 000 word mark, and I am still contemplating on should I move her to more active role.

[svalbard]

There will be no Lady of the Lake, but I will include a version of the Excalibur story. The story will take in the whole of Arthur's life over a two books. As for characters, I need to discipline myself. I have a tendancy to introduce too many and then attempt to give them all a background, which can be detrimental to the story.

[ctg]

So it is more like a what-if story, then an add-up to the Arthur legends. Cool.

When it comes to the characters, the only way I have found on keeping them interesting is to bring them in, when the story needs. For example you might want to start with a small group, concentrate on their perspectives, and when the story demands to bring more in, then you bring them in.

From my own storytelling experience I would say to stick to three to four main characters, rather then having a large number of characters, as it can so easily get so confusing when your other characters demands for the time. If you need other characters, then bring in them as impact characters.

Example from the LOTR,
Frodo: Protagonist
Merry & Pippin: Protagonists
Old Man Willow: Antagonist
Tom Bombaldil: Impact Character

[svalbard]

Very well explained, ctg. I have never thought of it those terms before. Thanks.