My first attempt...

[Oddlydark]

This is my first real attempt at writing anything, so I thank any and all who read it...This is an piece from later in the story, sorry!

Northumberland, England. 1886
“Marcus, I’m scared.” Katerina mumbled, pressing her head into his chest, her body shivering in his arms.
“Shhh now, dear sister.” Marc replied, stroking her ebony hair and glancing at the storm raging outside.
His sister had always been afraid of storms, as far back as he could remember, and tonight was no different. Five years her senior, Marcus had always taken it upon himself to be her guardian, even before their family fell in to disgrace and were evicted from the sprawling townhouse in the city.

Now they sat cowering in the crumbling ruins of an ancient and unkempt church, their clothes sticking to them with moisture. The horse snorted and champed at their bits nearby as the wind ripped through the decaying skeleton of the building, and the rain caused rivers of grime and mud to ooze across the dirty stone flooring.

The air turned colder now, and Marcus imagined he had seen a large, gangly figure briefly stood in the gothic archway that formed the entrance to the church, silhouetted in a flash of lightning but it vanished as soon as it had appeared. Marcus pulled the tattered horse blanket further around them, desperate to capture any remnants of body heat.

“Marcus…I think I saw someone…over there by the font!” Katerina stuttered, her thin, pale fingers pointing towards near where Marcus had seen the first shadow, and sure enough, by the font a sinewy shadow lounged casually against its stained marble surface. Marcus imagined that he saw two beady red eyes staring straight at him, and blinked twice to see if the apparition would disappear, and once again it vanished, its exit covered by the electric blue flash of lightning outside.

[The Ace]

Try, 'He had briefly seen a large, gangly figure in the doorway.' and, if there was more than one bit, it should be, 'Horses.'

Not bad, though, very atmospheric.

[Oddlydark]

Thank you for your comment Ace, I'll made the amendments to the original.

[chopper]

What ace sai.

short piece, but sets the tone rather well.

s

[Purdy Bear]

As a complete novice at this and totally terrible at grammar etc., maybe you shouldn't take much notice of this. Saying that I feel the following:


For me your sentences are a little to long in places, I would replace some commas with full stops.

The end of the piece seems stronger in writing then at the beginning.

I love the way you describe things, I can really see it in my imagination. I love the way you used the word ozzz, it just got me right there in the moment.

Both Minette Walters and Agatha Christie have been said to use sentence length to fasten and slower the pace of excitement.

Hope that helps!
Purdy