First Critique (gulp)

[Cayal]

Alright guys he is part of the first chapter (though I don't really have chapters in this story) of my first attempted novel I might try and get published but this depends on your critique...so no pressure. It will only make or break me.

This is only the first edit so I am working on sentence structure and mistakes I have made so it still may not flow as well as I like it.
I have at the moment titled it 'The Shadow Prince' but that will probably change.

Anyway here goes:

The Shadow Prince

The brown stag sauntered to the pond. Shadows from the tall, dewy green leafed trees crisscrossed his path as the morning sun of summer was rising far to the east. The deer lapped up the water, taking in enough to fill him for the day before the predators woke for their daily hunt, in which he was certain to be a target. Unfortunately for the herbivore he was already in the sights of two sets of predators eyes quietly watching him from the waist high bushes fifty meters away.
The first set of eyes belonged to a twenty year old Caucasian male. He stood a few inches below six feet in height and was wearing a sleeveless crimson top that covered his muscular body, black breeches were held up by a belt and brown boots covered his feet.
The second pair of eyes only a few feet away, behind a separate bush, were chestnut brown, partially hidden behind shoulder length long beaded black hair. The man wore a white shirt which was unbuttoned showing off his toned body, he wore brown breeches and black boots.
Both of them carried a long bow used for hunting.
‘You got this one, Jaire?’ whispered the second man.
‘Yeah’ replied Jaire equally as quiet, ‘You did get the first two, Taje. I think it is only fair’
Taje grinned at his friend his white teeth luminous against his ebony complexion. Jaire withdrew an arrow from the quiver on his back and set it in his bow. He pulled back the arrow and string, took aim at the deer and released. The arrow shot out towards the deer in a blur, within a second it pierced the heart of the deer, instantly dead.
‘Nice shot’ Taje said impressed.
Jaire regarded him with blue eyes so vivid they were almost white, but said nothing.

* * *

Located on the west coast of the continent known as Fresnia is Cillinas, a farming village consisting of small, hand built houses made from wood on acres of lush, green land where animals were grazed ready to be slaughtered for meat, or milked for dairy, the two main sources of income for the villagers. All the villagers were dark skinned and were mostly farmers who grazed their animals though some specialised in fruit plantations and large vegetable gardens.
Cillinas was one of many villages along the coast that provided the continent of Fresnia with its meat supplies and the Ticoru Islands, a short boat ride away provided most of the seafood for the continent.
Jaire and Taje returned to the village with three deer carcasses loaded onto a wagon being towed by two horses. They both sat on the seat of the wagon, Jaire holding the reins, enjoying the morning sun, as they rode the wagon down the only path leading into Cillinas from the small forest where they hunted, years of wagon wheels and horse hoofs coming and going into the village had created a slightly uneven dirt track.
They rode into the main square of the village where they were greeted with the sounds of people at various stalls buying various wares for their personal use. The occasional citizen looked up at them, curiosity getting the better of them, wanting to know who the riders were, and only needing a glimpse to know that seeing a dark skinned man with the only light skinned person in the village meant it was Taje and Jaire.
Jaire steered the horses down a side road opening up a spectacular panoramic view of the open waters of the Orcadas Ocean only a few miles down the road. The water sparkled under the morning suns rays. To the left and right of the road were lush green fields littered with various animals, contained by crudely made fences, grazing or laying about lazily in the sun and the odd house. Jaire stopped the horses in front of one of the houses. ‘I’ll go see if Adelius or Gladius are inside’ he said to Taje.
Jaire handed the reins to Taje and jumped down from the wagon, he walked past the makeshift fence made from tree branches and he approached the house made of wood, knocking once on the front door he entered.
The house was more of a hut, a large square divided into four rooms. Jaire entered into the sitting room, where two windows allowed the sun to light up the room. The room contained three chairs, a table and four unlit oil lamps. There was a door on the left leading into the bedroom of Adelius and Gladius and Jaire’s room was in the back.
Walking past these rooms, Jaire headed straight for the kitchen where the smell of cooking made his mouth water. A large table filled with various meats and vegetables sat in the middle on the kitchen, to the far wall was a water trough, an already lit stove sat against the left wall and a cold fireplace directly opposite it. Next to the fireplace was a dish rack.
Standing at the table was Gladius, dark skinned wrinkled with age, curly grey hair, she looked up and smiled at Jaire, causing more wrinkles in the corners of her deep brown eyes, ‘Hello’ she said cheerfully, ‘how was the hunt?’
‘Hello.’ Jaire replied. ‘The hunt was fine. We managed to hunt down three deer’
‘That is wonderful. Adelius is in the tool shed, he said he wanted to see you when you got back,’ she told Jaire and went back to her cooking, preparing food for the village festival scheduled later in the day. Gladius was regarded as one of, if not, the finest cook in Cillinas and the east coast of Fresnia. Many people visited to taste her cooking and they all left satisfied.
Jaire exited the kitchen through the back door where the fields were. A small rectangular tool shed stood only a few feet away from the house. Adelius was outside working on a hoe used for digging out rows for crops.
‘We caught three deer for the festival tonight’ Jaire said approaching the elderly dark skinned man.
Adelius grunted his approval.
‘Gladius said you wanted to see me?’
‘The blade has shifted’ he said without looking up, ‘The rows are crooked, the field is beginning to curve to the right.’
‘Do you need me to fix it?’
Adelius looked up sweat glistened in the sunlight off his bald head. His hazel eyes, still full of life, focused on Jaire. His sun leathered dark skinned face broke into a look of mock shock, ‘No, son’ he replied, ‘I will have this fixed in a couple of hours’
Though he wasn’t his biological son, Adelius still called him that. A much respected man in Cillinas, Adelius was considered the village chieftain and many people from the village and some from other villages came to him seeking advice on farming, growing crops and life in general and he welcomed them all, enjoying that he could pass on his advice, experiences and wisdom to a younger generation. He worked most of his seventy five years of his life as a farmer, raising animals, growing crops and fixing equipment which he learned from his father who was taught by his father.
‘I need you to go to Tibus.’ he said ‘I need a half meter blade, three bags of grain and two lengths of standard rope’
‘Ok, when do you want me to leave?’
‘First light tomorrow - ’
‘I can go now…’ Jaire interrupted.
‘And miss the festival? I don’t think so. Tomorrow will do, I am in no hurry.’
Jaire said nothing, only nodded.
‘Take one of the horses and trade it in’, Adelius continued, ‘you should have more then enough for the equipment and a room for the night somewhere along the way.’
‘I’ll prepare the horses once I have unloaded the deer carcasses’ said Jaire. He turned and left Adelius to continue working on the hoe.
Heading back to the front, Jaire found a bored looking Taje waiting on the wagon, ‘You got any plans tomorrow?’
Taje rolled his eyes, ‘Where are we going?’
‘Tibus. Adelius needs some supplies. We leave first light tomorrow.’
‘Tomorrow?’ Taje said exasperated, ‘I’ll be passed out at first light.’
‘Then watch your drinking’ replied Jaire giving him a rare smile. He half enjoyed ruining Taje’s plans for getting drunk which lead to bedding one of the women from other villages.
Taje sighed, ‘…Fine’ he said reluctantly.
Jaire gave him a playful shove, almost sending him toppling off the wagon, ‘Come on, let’s get the deer into the kitchen.

I'd appreciate any thoughts, critiques etc.

[ctg]

Hello,

I'm afraid there are many problems, and you need to rewrite it so that you focus the scenery to be told via eyes of one of your main characters. At the below is my try on your first chapter, focused on limited third person POV, telling essentially the same story.

Taje watched a brown stag sauntering to the pond. The young deer moved from the shadows of tall trees straight to the pond, without ever knowing the danger that lay in the middle of the waist high bushes near the watering hole.

“This is going to be easy”, Taje signaled Jaire, who was a year younger then him (well in his way on young twenties), but it didn’t mean that Jaire was any less skillful hunter then what he was. “Are you ready to this one?”

Jaire nodded, withdrew an arrow from the quiver and set it in his bow. He pulled the string, took aim and released. Taje saw the arrow blurring for a moment, before it pierced the deer, killing her instantly.

“Nice shot”, Taje said quietly to Jaire, whose blue eyes gleamed from the excitement. ... (needs to be continued)

* * *

The problem from here on in, is that you have to give physical descriptions without using an omniscient narrator voice, and create a hook that makes reader to move into the next chapter. A conflict with the village leader coming the claim the downed deer could be one of them, or his daughter to suddenly running out from the forest in last second when the hunters are making their second downing.

When you move into next chapter to describe the village, you have to again focus to build the world from POV, showing only what the narrating character knows. You don't have to describe everything that you see, as much can be taken as granted. Showing just the essentials is enough for us readers to fill in the holes with our imagination, therefore if the thing you describing doesn't have function in the scenery, then leave it out rather then fill it in.

[chopper]

hello jaire

although it looks well-written (no grammar issues that i can see), some of your language is slightly jarring as well: words like Caucasian and scheduled don't sit very well in a mediaevil scene. i agree wholeheartedly with ctg as well - limit the world to what one person can see (and your username kinda suggests that Jaire is the eventual hero here...), and don't be afraid to leave some things unexplained for the time being.

i don't see any problems with the pace of the narrative as such, although there's little sign that the village exists within the land: is the coastline known for shipwrecks? have there ever been any major battles nearby? do villagers swear by any particular god(s)? does the neighbouring village cheat at five-a-side soccer? (ok, you get the drift here) little things like that can help a place to breathe and feel more real in the reader's mind. everywhere has a history to draw upon and even if you don't reveal all of that history to the reader it can influence the tone of the piece.

now i'm rambling.
never give up, never surrender!

s

[chrispenycate]

[/quote[quote]

Originally Posted by Jaire

Alright guys he is part of the first chapter (though I don't really have chapters in this story) of my first attempted novel I might try and get published but this depends on your critique...so no pressure. It will only make or break me.


This is only the first edit so I am working on sentence structure and mistakes I have made so it still may not flow as well as I like it.
I have at the moment titled it 'The Shadow Prince' but that will probably change.

Anyway here goes:

The Shadow Prince

The brown stag sauntered to the pond. Shadows from the tall, dewy

too many adjectives. Even with "green-leaved" hyphenated, the "dewy" should presumably refer to the leaves rather than the trees themselves, so a comma after it wouldn't help either…

green leafed trees crisscrossed his path as the morning sun of summer was rising far to the east

normally it rises closer?

. The deer lapped up the water, taking in enough to fill him for the day before the predators woke for their daily hunt, in which he was certain to be a target. Unfortunately for the herbivore he was already in the sights of two sets of predators

predators'

eyes

comma

quietly watching him from the waist high

hyphen

bushes fifty meters away.

The first set of eyes belonged to a twenty year old Caucasian male. He stood a few inches below six feet in height and was wearing a sleeveless crimson top that covered his muscular body,

Either you put a full stop here, or eliminate the "were" just after (as it is it's two complete sentences

black breeches were held up by a belt and brown boots covered his feet.

The second pair of eyes

comma

only a few feet away, behind a separate bush, were chestnut brown, partially hidden behind shoulder length

if you say "shoulder-length (with hyphen) you don't need the "long"

long beaded black hair. The

Possibly "this man (to distinguish him from the other)

man wore a white shirt which was unbuttoned

comma

showing off his toned body,

full stop

he wore brown breeches and black boots.

Both of them carried a long bow used for hunting.

Technically, each of them. If they both carried one bow it would have to be a very long one indeed

‘You got this one, Jaire?’ whispered the second man.
‘Yeah’ replied Jaire equally

equally quietly (equally" can't take "as" and you're describing "replied" which is a verb, so you need an adverb.

as quiet, ‘You did get the first two, Taje. I think it is only fair’

Taje grinned at his friend

comma

his white teeth luminous against his ebony complexion. Jaire withdrew an arrow from the quiver on his back and set it in his bow. He pulled back the arrow and string, took aim at the deer and released. The arrow shot out towards the deer in a blur, within a second it pierced the heart of the deer, instantly dead.

an arrow that would take a second to fly fifty metres would be travelling very slowly indeed

‘Nice shot’ Taje said impressed.
Jaire regarded him with blue eyes so vivid they were almost white, but said nothing.

* * *

Located on the west coast of the continent known as Fresnia is Cillinas, a farming village consisting of small, hand built

hyphen; but I think you could assume they were "hand made";industrialised construction (even using magic) doesn't sound likely

houses made from wood on acres of lush, green land where animals were grazed ready to be slaughtered for meat, or milked for dairy, the two main sources of income for the villagers. All the villagers were dark skinned and were mostly farmers who grazed their animals

comma; and perhaps "herders" to separate them from the crop raisers

though some specialised in fruit plantations and large vegetable gardens.

Cillinas was one of many villages along the coast that provided the continent of Fresnia with its meat supplies and the Ticoru Islands, a short boat ride away

comma

provided most of the seafood for the continent.

Jaire and Taje returned to the village with three deer carcasses loaded onto a wagon being towed by two horses. They both sat on the seat of the wagon, Jaire holding the reins, enjoying the morning sun, as they rode the wagon down the only path leading into Cillinas from the small forest where they hunted,

full stop

years of wagon wheels and horse hoofs coming and going into the village had created a slightly uneven dirt track.

They rode into the main square of the village

comma

where they were greeted with the sounds of people at various stalls buying various wares for their personal use. The occasional citizen looked up at them, curiosity getting the better of them, wanting to know who the riders were, and only needing a glimpse to know that seeing a dark skinned man with the only light skinned person in the village meant it was Taje and Jaire.

Jaire steered the horses down a side road

comma (I think

opening up a spectacular panoramic view of the open waters of the Orcadas Ocean only a few miles down the road. The water sparkled under the morning suns rays. To the left and right of the road were lush green fields littered with various animals, contained by crudely made fences, grazing or laying

lying about; only the chickens will be laying

about lazily in the sun and the odd house. Jaire stopped the horses in front of one of the houses. ‘I’ll go see if Adelius or Gladius are inside’ he said to Taje.

Jaire handed the reins to Taje and jumped down from the wagon,

full stop

he walked past the makeshift fence made from tree branches and he approached the house made of wood, knocking once on the front door he entered.

The house was more of a hut, a large square divided into four rooms. Jaire entered into

no "into" with "entered"

the sitting room, where two windows allowed the sun to light up the room. The room contained three chairs, a table and four unlit oil lamps. There was a door on the left leading into the bedroom of Adelius and Gladius and Jaire’s room was in the back.

Walking past these rooms, Jaire headed straight for the kitchen where the smell of cooking made his mouth water. A large table filled with various meats and vegetables sat in the middle on the kitchen,

semicolon or full stop

to the far wall was a water trough, an already lit stove sat against the left wall and

more "with" than "and"

a cold fireplace directly opposite it. Next to the fireplace was a dish rack.

Standing at the table was Gladius, dark skinned

comma, or "with", and probably an "and instead of the comma after "age"

wrinkled with age, curly grey hair, she looked up and smiled at Jaire, causing more wrinkles in the corners of her deep brown eyes, ‘Hello’ she said cheerfully, ‘how was the hunt?’

‘Hello.’ Jaire replied. ‘The hunt was fine. We managed to hunt down three deer’

rather a lot of repetitions of "hunt" Perhaps "bring down"?

‘That is wonderful. Adelius is in the tool shed, he said he wanted to see you when you got back,’ she told Jaire and went back to her cooking, preparing food for the village festival scheduled later in the day. Gladius was regarded as one of, if not, the finest cook in Cillinas and the east coast of Fresnia. Many people visited to taste her cooking and they all left satisfied.
Jaire exited the kitchen through the back door where the fields were. A small rectangular tool shed stood only a few feet away from the house. Adelius was outside working on a hoe used for digging out rows for crops.
‘We caught three deer for the festival tonight’ Jaire said

comma

approaching the elderly dark skinned man.
Adelius grunted his approval.
‘Gladius said you wanted to see me?’
‘The blade has shifted’ he said without looking up, ‘The rows are crooked, the field is beginning to curve to the right.’
‘Do you need me to fix it?’
Adelius looked up

semicolon

sweat glistened in the sunlight off his bald head. His hazel eyes, still full of life, focused on Jaire. His sun

hyphen

leathered dark skinned face broke into a look of mock shock, ‘No, son’ he replied, ‘I will have this fixed in a couple of hours’

Though he wasn’t his biological son, Adelius still called him that. A much respected man in Cillinas, Adelius was considered the village chieftain and many people from the village and some from other villages came to him seeking advice on farming, growing crops and life in general and he welcomed them all, enjoying that he could pass on his advice, experiences and wisdom to a younger generation. He

had

worked most of his seventy five years of his life as a farmer, raising animals, growing crops and fixing equipment which

probably "as he had learnt", as it's not the equipment he has learnt from his father but the entire lifestyle

he learned from his father who was

had been

taught by his father.

‘I need you to go to Tibus.’ he said ‘I need a half meter blade, three bags of grain and two lengths of standard rope’
‘Ok, when do you want me to leave?’
‘First light tomorrow - ’
‘I can go now…’ Jaire interrupted.
‘And miss the festival? I don’t think so. Tomorrow will do, I am in no hurry.’
Jaire said nothing, only nodded.
‘Take one of the horses and trade it in’, Adelius continued, ‘you should have more then enough for the equipment and a room for the night somewhere along the way.’
‘I’ll prepare the horses once I have unloaded the deer carcasses’ said Jaire. He turned and left Adelius to continue working on the hoe.
Heading back to the front, Jaire found a bored looking Taje waiting on the wagon, ‘You got any plans tomorrow?’
Taje rolled his eyes, ‘Where are we going?’
‘Tibus. Adelius needs some supplies. We leave first light tomorrow.’
‘Tomorrow?’ Taje said exasperated, ‘I’ll be passed out at first light.’
‘Then watch your drinking’ replied Jaire

comma[quote]giving him a rare smile. He half enjoyed ruining Taje’s plans for getting drunk[/quotecomma

which lead to bedding one of the women from other villages.

Taje sighed, ‘…Fine’ he said reluctantly.
Jaire gave him a playful shove, almost sending him toppling off the wagon, ‘Come on, let’s get the deer into the kitchen.

I'd appreciate any thoughts, critiques etc.

[Purdy Bear]

I know little of grammar and writer things, but I would say the spacing between paragraphs and speech needs to be looked at.

In typing class we were taught to use a space between each paragraph and the same between old and new speach. I'm not sure if its the same with publishing but it does make it easier to read.

For example:

"Frank!"

"Julie!" he shouted back, as they approached each other through the maze of high confur trees.



Otherwise it blurrs into one like this:



"Frank!"
"Julie!" he shouted back, as they approached each other through the maze of high confur trees.

Huggies
Purdy
(Ps I know I'm bad at grammar before anyone starts lol!"

[Grimblade]

I would agree with crispenycate. Far too many adjectives. I know what you're doing because I used to have the exact same problem. I like the story itself though. My advice would be to simplify your language, see how much you can take out without effecting the story. If anything it might help the potency of it; I've found that ideas can sometimes really slam home to an audience if they're presented as a thought rather than a narrative. Good stuff!

[Cayal]

Originally Posted by Grimblade

I would agree with crispenycate. Far too many adjectives. I know what you're doing because I used to have the exact same problem. I like the story itself though. My advice would be to simplify your language, see how much you can take out without effecting the story. If anything it might help the potency of it; I've found that ideas can sometimes really slam home to an audience if they're presented as a thought rather than a narrative. Good stuff!

Thanks.

I realised something that had been staring at me in pretty much every book I read and never noticed. They are written from a point of view. I don't know why it never occurred to me. And it is so obvious.

So that should help in the end.

[Grimblade]

Clarity's like water to a man dying of thirst. Coming to that same realisation has pretty much evaporated the block I used to have when writing. I still use alot of descriptive, sometimes still too much, but I think I've learned to pace it better now. Anyways, good luck with the story, may the gods make celebrities of us all!