The Birth (Extract)

[Daleous]

This is an extract from a story that has been stubbornly fixed into my head for the last year or so. I am looking, if possible, for some critique on the actual story itself; analysis of character dialogue, theme and storyline. I appreciate any comments that are made and it has taken me a long time to finally face the music and 'dance' in posting this work. Thanks and all the best!

Other women’s screams of pain could be heard reverberating through the halls. Although Serenia felt some pity knowing what they were going through, she felt great relief in herself knowing that her fight was over and in her arms she held a beautiful new born babe.
Her husband stood by her, a mixed expression of horror, shock and joy sat on his face. For the ordeal he had just been through with his wife he hoped to the Gods it was what he asked for. He stood impatiently looking, constantly trying to get a glance. His exhausted wife noticed his anguish.
“Hold yourself for a minute Darraf,” She scolded him openly in front of the midwives, who found this very amusing. “Scare the baby and I'll inflict on you worse pain than you’ve ever felt... and yes it is a boy, for I know that is all that concerns you.”


Darraf stood in elation, tears forming in his eyes for his wish had been granted. He jumped and whooped aloud feeling the world was his to own. As he did the young babe opened a mouth and began to wail, Darraf looked sheepishly down.
“Now look, you great oaf! See what you’ve done? Go and walk before you wake up every babe in the place!” Although she looked angry, he saw a hint of a smile upon her lips. He lent in to kiss his wife and new babe but as he did he noticed a strange mark upon his sons face.
“Behold, what’s this? A birth stain?” His wife peered over with worry in her eyes, her fear confirmed when one of the midwives gasped in horror. With the blood wiped away it was as clear as day. Sitting on the side of young Daleous’ face, The Magicians Mark.
Darraf looked up in horror, trying to explain to the midwives, “Neither of us are Magic Wielders, I swear it! It must be a mistake, it cannot be the Mark.” Panic filled his voice as one of the midwives calmly spoke.
“That is second today my good sir, believe me the Mark can skip a generation or two we’ve seen it all before. I shall give you a few minutes to say your goodbyes before I fetch the Sage.”
His wife’s cry soared through his mind; she looked at her husband in search of something to be done. “I am too exhausted to move, Darraf, you must leave with the babe, quickly!”
Darraf held tears in his eyes, being torn between his new born babe and his wife was a decision he never thought he’d have to make.
“They’ll not let you leave Serenia, they’ll hold you till I return, and I can’t let you be made a prisoner! Come lean on me we’ll find a way out!”


Darraf aided his wife to her feet as she lent on him. Babe in one arm, exhausted wife on the other Darraf had to find a way out. He peered out between the overhanging cloths separating the bed chambers. He could see the Midwife talking to the Sage at the top of the corridor. With the Sages back to his room Darraf chanced a run. “Come Serenia we must try now.” They broke into a small, lopsided jog, trying desperately not to make any noise or wake the babe. Small hope reeled inside Darraf as his mind quickly planned their escape and future life. But before they reached the end of the corridor a Sage apparated before them, “You know, Falconer, there is no chance to escape. Give the babe over to me , he’ll be cared for and you won’t be killed.” An evil smile crept onto the Sages face; he loved causing this much anguish and pain between two people, he lived for the exhilaration. He just hoped Darraf would make the wrong choice.

[chopper]

hello daleous, welcome to the Chrons!
i've got two things i think, to comment on here:
how many midwives are there present at the birth? first they seem to be plural, but then there only seems to be one, talking to the sage. no midwife worth her salt would leave a new mother & child unattended, so i think Darraf probably has a bit of a fight on his hands here.
there was something else too, but its late and i'm wired with coffee (again...). nonetheless, an interesting piece that promises a good few conflicts ahead - i'd be interested in seeing a fleshed-out piece with a few more descriptions - of characters and the world itself.

s

[pyan]

Other women’s screams of pain could be heard reverberating through the halls. Although Serenia felt some pity knowing what they were going through, she felt great relief in herself

comma

knowing that her fight was over and in her arms she held a beautiful new born babe.

Her husband stood by her, a mixed expression of horror, shock and joy sat

sitting, or just "on"

on his face. For the ordeal he had just been through with his wife

comma

he hoped to the Gods it was what he asked for. He stood impatiently looking, constantly trying to get a glance. His exhausted wife noticed his anguish.
“Hold yourself for a minute Darraf,” She

"she": don't capitalise after closing speech marks.

scolded him openly in front of the midwives, who found this very amusing. “Scare the baby and I'll inflict on you worse pain than you’ve ever felt... and yes it is a boy, for I know that is all that concerns you.”
Darraf stood in elation, tears forming in his eyes

comma

for his wish had been granted. He jumped and whooped aloud feeling the world was his to own. As he did the young babe opened a mouth

a mouth? How many has he?

and began to wail,

Full stop, not comma

Darraf looked sheepishly down.
“Now look, you great oaf! See what you’ve done? Go and walk before you wake up every babe in the place!” Although she looked angry, he saw a hint of a smile upon her lips. He lent

leaned or leant

in to kiss his wife and new babe but as he did he noticed a strange mark upon his sons face.
“Behold, what’s this? A birth stain?” His wife peered over with worry in her eyes, her fear confirmed when one of the midwives gasped in horror. With the blood wiped away it was as clear as day. Sitting on the side of young Daleous’ face, The Magicians Mark.
Darraf looked up in horror, trying to explain to the midwives,

Full stop, not comma

“Neither of us are Magic Wielders, I swear it! It must be a mistake, it cannot be the Mark.” Panic filled his voice as one of the midwives calmly spoke.
“That is second today

the second today,

my good sir, believe me the Mark can skip a generation or two

comma

we’ve seen it all before. I shall give you a few minutes to say your goodbyes before I fetch the Sage.”
His wife’s cry soared through his mind; she looked at her husband in search of something to be done. “I am too exhausted to move, Darraf, you must leave with the babe, quickly!”
Darraf held tears in his eyes, being torn between his new born babe and his wife was a decision he never thought he’d have to make.
“They’ll not let you leave

comma

Serenia, they’ll hold you till I return, and I can’t let you be made a prisoner! Come lean on me

comma

we’ll find a way out!”


Darraf aided

"helped" would be better

his wife to her feet as she lent

leaned or leant

on him. Babe in one arm, exhausted wife on the other

comma

Darraf had to find a way out. He peered out between the overhanging cloths separating the bed chambers. He could see the Midwife talking to the Sage at the top of the corridor. With the Sages

one Sage or more?

back to his room

comma

Darraf chanced a run. “Come Serenia we

comma, Serenia, comma

must try now.” They broke into a small, lopsided jog, trying desperately not to make any noise or wake the babe. Small hope reeled inside Darraf as his mind quickly planned their escape and future life. But before they reached the end of the corridor a Sage apparated before them,

Do you mean "appeared? This sounds as if the Sage apperated first, then they followed.

“You know, Falconer, there is no chance to escape. Give the babe over to me , he’ll be cared for and you won’t be killed.” An evil smile crept onto the Sages face; he loved causing this much anguish and pain between two people, he lived for the exhilaration. He just hoped Darraf would make the wrong choice.

Not at all bad, Daleous. It reads like a prologue: just reading this bit, I'd assume we're going to jump forward to the boy being in his teens, still hiding from the Sages?
A bit of work on punctuation needed, but all in all, an interesting start.