Cassia on the rooftop....

[chopper]

This is a segment from a new project I'm working on. Unfortunately, I seem to have had the idea in reverse order - I know exactly how it has to end, and now I have to work on getting there. So this section may seem as though there's no introduction to the characters, but that's because we're roughly two-thirds through at this point. A rough summary would be thus:

Long ago, the kingdom of Canevaril was cursed and destroyed by the terrible warlock Malessar. Now, young storyteller Cassia has joined up with the old soldier Baum and Prince Meredith to break the curse and restore the kingdom. Cassia has enviegled her way into Malessar's household, and has been finding out that things aren't as they seem...

Hopefully that sounds mysterious enough to be going on with - don't want to give too much away but on with the story.....clunky? Pacey? Glaring errors?


She blinked in the light of the lantern, pulling the blanket up around her as she sat up on the pallet. “Who…?”

The lantern moved aside and up to the shelf high on the wall, illuminating Malessar’s worn and deeply furrowed features. The warlock looked distracted, even more so than usual, as though he heard voices. He wore a long, high-collared thick coat, with another bundled under one arm.

“I cannot rest,” he announced. “I have some degree of concern over the news you have given me.”

Rapidly awakening now, Cassia shook her head quickly. “More rumour than news,” she started, but Malessar raised his hand to stop her.

“Unheeded rumour topples thrones,” he said abruptly. Then he shrugged. “As a rule I detest aphorisms, but this one seems particularly apposite in its own way, although ‘unheeded rumour raises kings’ has no real sense. Anyhow - I have been studying for hours, but I can find nothing to satisfy myself that I should not worry. This is something that I should really have taken care of a long time ago.”

He tossed the spare coat down at Cassia. “I would have you witness this,” he said, and it took her a moment to understand that this was a request rather than a demand or an order.

Still, she hesitated. “Master, may I ask why?”

Malessar looked away from her, wiping the tip of one finger along the edge of the shelf and examining it in the light for evidence of dust. It was a distraction, she realised: he wasn’t sure how to answer the question.

“Because I will require an independent and honest verification of my findings,” he said at length. It didn’t sound like the entire truth to Cassia’s ears; she waited for more, but Malessar had fallen silent again.

And that wasn’t really the answer to the question I asked, she added to herself. There is much more to this than Malessar will admit, especially to me.
Malessar appeared to wake himself from his reverie: he tutted under his breath and turned to leave. “Come to the roof when you have dressed,” he told her over his shoulder before leaving her room. She listened to his measured tread on the tiled stairwell until he had ascended past the first landing, then stood and fished for her warmest clothes, the blanket still wrapped around her shoulders.

For the first time in weeks she wore her travelling gear again: the thick cotton shirt, divided skirts and weathered boots she had left Keskor in. She threaded her sheathed long knife onto her belt and then shrugged into the fur-lined coat that Malessar had left behind. For a moment she considered taking the longer rapier too for safety’s sake but finally left it under the pallet. It wasn’t the sort of weapon a servant would be seen with, she reasoned.

She took the lantern with her up the switchback stairs; Malessar had climbed them in darkness. By night, lit by the lantern’s flickering glow, the masks and carved figures in the alcoves took on more sinister aspects, leering at her as she ascended.

The night was cool and clear, the moon gibbous and low in the starry sky. There was no wind to speak of, but she could still taste the acrid and all-pervasive tang of the tanneries off beyond the old walls. Few people inside the city had reason to be up at this early hour, and so she saw no lights in the maze of the surrounding district. Malessar had picked this time with deliberate intent: a time he must be accustomed to using, Cassia thought as she ducked under the low lintel and emerged onto the rooftop garden.

A brazier had been lit in each of the four corners, radiating small circles of warmth with a banked, hungry glow. Cassia paused for a moment to set down the lamp and then let her eyes become more used to the night before crossing the stones to join Malessar at the other end of the roof where he stood shaded between two of the braziers, apparently deep in thought.
She remained a pace behind him, wrapping her arms around herself to ward off the cold that was already seeping into her bones, glad of the coat despite the musty smell it exuded. Slow to anger, she remembered again. Fishing in dark, undisturbed waters - you may not like what you catch.

She shivered. And what have I caught?

He faced north, she realised. Seeing the ancient mountain fastness in the depths of his mind, perhaps, as though the hundreds of miles between Galliarca and Canevaril did not exist.

“Master,” she said softly. “Perhaps I am wrong - I must have misheard or misunderstood…”

Malessar raised one hand from the wall to silence her. “Hush. Our course is set,” he said grimly. “Stay close, but do not speak or interfere. Follow my instructions exactly. Understood?”

Cassia nodded quickly. “But - ”

The hand waved again, this time more brusque. Malessar’s attention had returned skyward and now he appeared to be searching for something. Searching and listening.

Cassia tipped her own head back and turned on the spot, wondering what it was he sought. She knew it was possible to divine the future by reading the patterns of the heavens, yet the warlock had disdained that practice, dismissing it aloud as unreliable. And what did he mean about their course having been set?

High above, a small constellation blinked as it was briefly occluded. Something had passed in front of it, Cassia realised with a shiver that had nothing to do with the cold.

Another few stars disappeared for an instant and this time she thought she saw the dark shape that commanded the skies over Galliarca, and the breath froze inside her lungs.

It banked and curved, describing a slow, almost ponderous circle above the city’s walls, descending all the while. The lack of grace was deceptive: it required but the merest twitch of a wing to tighten or alter that curve. And those wings, fully spread, would stretch across the entire width of the Square of the Princes. And the long sinuous tail that flicked, lazily, for over thirty feet behind the sinewy, scaled, reptilian body…

She had backed up against the wall at the edge of the roof, her hands gripping the bricks tight as another myth came alive right before her eyes to wreak havoc upon her beliefs and fears.

[Barney]

This strikes me as being well polished. I like the atmosphere and your sentences are nicely weighted and flow smoothly.

A few suggestions;

“Unheeded rumour topples thrones,” he said abruptly. Then he shrugged. “As a rule I detest aphorisms, but this one seems particularly apposite in its own way, although ‘unheeded rumour raises kings’ has no real sense. Anyhow - I have been studying for hours, but I can find nothing to satisfy myself that I should not worry. This is something that I should really have taken care of a long time ago.”

I think you are showing us here that Malessar is erudite, yet preoccupied by something that makes his concentration and speech wander a bit. However the bit I have italicised seems to labour this a little bit.

Cassia paused for a moment to set down the lamp and then let her eyes become more used to the night before crossing the stones to join Malessar at the other end of the roof where he stood shaded between two of the braziers, apparently deep in thought.

This sentence seems to stagger a little under its own length, maybe a comma somewhere would help?

She had backed up against the wall at the edge of the roof, her hands gripping the bricks tight as another myth came alive right before her eyes to wreak havoc upon her beliefs and fears.

My only quibble with this is "wreak havoc"; those two words always sound a little cliche to me.

[chopper]

Hello barney

Thankyou very much! Glad you like it - its actually only a first draft, believe it or not.
As far as the first two points go - yes, waffle is my middle name. i need to take a sander to these lumpy wooden bits....
And for the third - hackneyed cliche ahoy! I missed that one. I can't come up with an alternative I like at the moment though. More bathtime pondering needed...

s

[Barney]

That was a first draft? Impressive. You are obviously well practiced at this writing lark! Publication is inevitable, if it hasn't already been achieved

[chopper]

flattery gets you everywhere

practise in one thing; actually managing to finish something is quite another. hopefully this time....

[Jarshen]

Impressive first draft.
Agree with Barney's points on aphorism, he seems too distracted to utter this, maybe he can drift off, we get it.
Generally you can shorten and keep what you have

deeply furrowed

Just furrowed seems ok, similar with a few others.

let her eyes become more used

just used.

But I am sure in a second draft you will change these as you want.

Difficult to feel the impact of the dragon from such a short excerpt and not knowing where it comes in the story, but Cassia's reactions are very unsupported here, seems shrill. As I say, context is all and don't know where it is.

I like the two characters, they live and are intriguing.

[chopper]

Originally Posted by Jarshen

Difficult to feel the impact of the dragon from such a short excerpt and not knowing where it comes in the story, but Cassia's reactions are very unsupported here, seems shrill. As I say, context is all and don't know where it is.

I like the two characters, they live and are intriguing.

cheers jarshen!

yes, that last sentence, on reflection, is well over the top/hysterical. (though you should see what happens when she has to ride the beast....)
i'll have to moderate that a bit, i think.

s

[svalbard]

“Unheeded rumour topples thrones,”

I love that, chopper. Wish I had thought of it. I agree with all the previous posts. This is impressive for a first draft. Excellent. I hope you post some more of this.

[chopper]

sometimes i have half-decent brainwaves. unfortunately they must do battle with the "mutated weetabix invade poland" ideas that nudge theirway into my mind on a daily basis.
more will be posted when i get it transferred from paper (no, not the weetabix...), but i look forward to reading more of yours too, svalbard

s

[Jerico]

Chopper that was excellent, I really enjoyed reading it. I especially like how your descriptive is so detailed and yet it doesn't seem to drag, becoming boring or tedious but keeps the pace running smoothly. I can't believe it was a first draft, your rewrites must be pretty quick and easy!!!

This website and pieces of work like yours are what inspire me to keep writing when I'm low on inspiration or can't motivate myself. Well done mate and I look forward to more of it.

[chopper]

thanks jerico, believe it or not this only encourages me too, as i'm currently struggling aginst some big RL problems & the time i have for writing keeps getting thrown onto the back burner. this site actually helps keep me writing.

cheers all,

hopefully more soon (and not the mutated weetabix)

s