Decisions - Tarquin Jenkins

[The Bloated One]

Dear All,

Thought I would post a little bit more of my tale of adolescent time travel. If you have the time, I would be interested to read your views on whether I have the tone right for the 'confrontation' between Rhia and Tarquin. They both like each other, but can't really tell each other what they feel. Both are 16 years of age.

Anyway, couple of pointers -

Madge and Therius are androids (later to become Oz and Meaty)

Calbhach is a Leprechaun

Griddlebacks are bad guys

Jeremiah Cavendish - lock keeper and Worm-Hole Guardian

Background.....

Tarquin's parents have appeared on a video captured from the bad guys. This could mean they are still alive. Tarquin decides he must try and find them, rather than go with the rest of our heroes on another rescue mission. This causes friction, especially with Rhia....

Making a Decision

"Tarquin, I think you should see this." The Professor waved his hand over the console and ran the file from the Griddleback pyramid on the Viz screen. Shadows, dark shapes and bursts of light filled the viewer. In the hubbub of noise, one name rang out.

"That’s my Father?" said Tarquin, sitting up.

"I think so too." The Professor replayed the file. "I believe this was filmed on the plane your parents were on."

"Could they still be alive?"

"I don’t know, but there is another file that gives hope." The Professor waved his hands in front of the console again and the screen changed to a massive, turbulent seascape, with howling winds and a dark brooding sky. In the distance, high above the seething water stood a domed city.

"Putrios," muttered Tarquin.

"Yep, Putrios." They watched as the scene changed to the inside of a space ship. Guarded by Griddlebacks, two blanket covered shapes huddled together on the floor. The screen flickered and went black.

"My parents?"

"I think so." The Professor lifted his hand and the screen zoomed in on the folds of blanket. A wristwatch could be seen in the shadows. The Professor lightened the screen. "That’s your Mother’s watch. I’d recognise it anywhere."

"Why take them?" asked Tarquin.

"I don’t know, but at some time after their kidnapping they were transported to Putrios." Tarquin sat back, deep in thought.

Archie walked into the laboratory. "They’ve just prepared the hovercars, shouldn’t be too long now." He looked at Tarquin. "Bad news?"

Tarquin stood up. "I am not coming with you."

"You’re part of the team, what’s the problem?"

"My parents may be alive on Putrios, I want to find them." Archie sat down.

"Archie, look at this." The Professor ran the two files on the Viz.Archie shook his head.

"You can’t just go off to Putrios, this needs planning, and first we must rescue Jules and the others."

"If I take Therius and Madge, I stand a better chance of finding them than arriving with all of you."

"Whose going to guide you, you know nothing of Putrios?" Archie looked at the Professor for help.

"Archie’s right, it’s far too risky."

"Jeremiah will know what to do, I’ll go and talk to him first."

* * *

Tarquin was in his room, sitting in the recliner, brooding. He was packed and ready to go when there was a sharp tap on the door. He got out the chair and opened the door. Rhia pushed hurriedly past him and sat down in the recliner crossing her legs.

"We are a team, you can’t go off on your own little tangent, we need you!" she said, waving her hands in the air.

"It’s not a tangent, they are my parents—"

"Who disappeared many years ago." Her eyes fizzed. " Why the urgency?"

"I—"

"Don’t you think we care? Of course we do," her hands spiralled in front of her, "But we need to rescue Jules and the others first. Surely you understand that?"

"We—"

"Is that it? " She clicked her fingers and pointed accusatory at Tarquin, "That's it! You don’t think I care?"

"Of course you care, but they could be alive, that’s the urgency!" Tarquin’s voice trembled.

"Or very dead," said Rhia crossing her arms with a huff.

"What would you do then, eh? If they were your parents?" said Tarquin, glaring at her.

Her eyes watered, "You could get killed! I don’t want you getting killed," she said, with a hushed voice. Tarquin was silent, not knowing what to say.

She coughed and stood up, briskly wiping her eyes. "It’s your decision. Go, find your parents. Let’s just hope we all survive to meet again." She opened the door and as she left she turned to Tarquin. "If you change your mind, you know where we are."

"Good luck," said Tarquin, but she was gone.

* * *

Before setting off to the time chamber, Tarquin summoned Mae West and Therius to his room. He had decided it was time to give them new personas for their mission ahead.

He gave each of them instructions and a short character statement outlining their new identities before passing them his iPod. Unknown to Tarquin, both Therius and Mae had undergone a rigorous upgrade and each had a new, startling feature. While assimilating the information on the iPod, Therius and Mae’s outward appearance melted, transforming into the singers tarquin had highlighted on the iPod. When the process was complete, Tarquin looked down at the diminutive blonde with the big smile.

"I am going to call you Oz." He then looked at the oversized man in a red frilly shirt holding a hankerchief and smiled. "We’ll stick with Meaty for now, and let’s find you both some decent clothes!"

Wearing his signature frock coat, with its pockets filled with all manner of items, and Meaty and Oz appropriately clothed and carrying their travel packs, they set off for Professor Th’in Ke Moo’s workshop.

* * *

"A lot has changed since Jeremiah and Ingerborg returned to Steeple Snoring," said the Professor, twidding a light pencil between the seven fingers on his right hand. "We’ll drop you close to the Blisworth Tunnel, Jeremiah’s waiting. Don’t expect to see the Silvery Moon though, Jeremiah’s had to hide it."

The Professor led the way to the travel chamber. "Disposable time machines I am afraid, were on an enviromental drive. Just push them into the canal when you arrive. We’ve increased their rate of disintergration, so they’ll disappear in about 24 hours." Tarquin looked at the three rusting Edwardian roll top baths, and the banks of sophisticated machinery attached to each one.

He selected a tub, stepped inside and sat down, placing the Lookie See over his face. Despite the poor visibility, Tarquin could make out two large shapes one, the unmistakable shape of Jeremiah, the other he didn’t know. Both sat on the canal-bank fishing—two conspicously large bears playing with twigs.

"Prof, I can see Jeremiah, but there’s someone with him?" Tarquin took of the Lookie See’s and looked at the Professor.

"That’s Dog."

"Dog?"

"Jules decided that after Jeremiah and Ingerborg returned to the canal, they needed protecting."

Tarquin grinned. "He’s a guard Dog!"

The Professor looked quizzical. "A what?"

"A guard Dog…"

There was an uneasy silence before the Professor chirped up, "Oh I see! Dog’s guarding them, I get it now…that’s good." The Professor laughed and wagged a finger at Tarquin, "But no, that’s not it, he’s just very big and—"

"Barking mad, if yer ask me."

"Calbhach!" exclaimed Tarquin, seeing the diminutive Leprechaun walk into the laboratory.

"Aye, I thought I’d be checkin’ on yer. Give yer someting to take wit yer on yer quest." Calbhach rummaged in his overcoat and produced a small silver tea-pot. "If yer need ‘elp, just rub it," He said, winking and passing it to Tarquin. Lost for words, Tarquin put it in his pack, sat down in the bath, gripped the top and waited.

The Professor started up the machinery and looked at Tarquin. "Taken the bananas, and your last spoonful of elexir?" Tarquin nodded, feeling queasy already. The three tubs started spinning. Tarquin closed his eyes and with fireworks exploding inside his head he thought of strawberry cheesecake.

"Tarquin?"

Tarquin smacked his lips and opened his bleary eyes to see Jeremiah’s ebullent face inches from his own. Jeremiah lifted him gently from the tub and placed him on the canal bank to recover. Dog collected Tarquin’s pack and heaved the bath into the canal where it slipped beneath the water. Time travel had little affect on Meaty and Oz’s machinery, so they were already standing with Jeremiah, their baths sinking slowly into the canal.

"Tarquin?"

Jeremiah lifted Tarquin into a sitting position.

"Er…weanut rutter and bam wit a wawberry weesecake pleazzzz…" said Tarquin, just as Dog arrived to help. With a limp wave of his hand, Tarquin smiled inanely at Dog and dribbled. "Whoozz let the dogzz out, woozz, woozf, woof, woof!" Dog looked at Jeremiah who shrugged his shoulders,

"I reckons he be ‘aving a problem comin’ out." Jeremiah held Tarquin upright as the Dog massaged his back. "Nothin’ for it, but ta use me special remedy." Jeremiah took a perfume bottle from his coat pocket and wafted it under Tarquin's nose.

"Wuurgghhh! Waz is tat?" Tarquin spluttered, shaking the fuzzyness and smelling salts from his head.

"Welemiah!"

"I’ it be me young un,’" said Jeremiah, relieved his protégé was coming round.
Tarquin hugged him. "It’s so wood to see you atain!" His speech slowly returned and soon all his lights were on.

Dog and Jeremiah raised him to his feet and walked him slowly to the opening of the tunnel. Oz and Meaty followed, carrying their packs.


TBO

[Giovanna Clairval]

Hi, Bloated

The dialogue is a little dry. I suppose that the scene is written in Tarquin's POV. Then I think you should add his reactions. Your young readers surely feel for your hero, who is in the direst situation, talking with a girl who... well... she's like all women, incomprehensible, n'est-ce pas?


Rubescant made a few suggestions, just examples, okay? She wrote in a rush because it's 2:53 in Paris, and LeGrosChat is trying to steal my last ham sandwich (my loyal sword always protects my sandwiches from thieving cats).


Good luck for The Adventures of Tarquin!



Here's the thing:

Tarquin was in his room, sitting in the recliner, brooding. He was packed [had finished packing] and [was] ready to go when there was a sharp tap on the door. He got out [of?] the chair and opened the door. Rhia pushed hurriedly past him and sat down in the recliner crossing [and crossed] [there is no simultaneity of action: she sits down, and then she crosses her legs] her legs. She seemed a little out of breath.


"We are a team, you can’t go off on your own little tangent. We need you!" she said, waving her hands in the air.

"A tangent? We're talking about my parents—"

"…who disappeared many years ago." Her eyes fizzed. "And now you decide to look for them, like that? I don't understand, Tarquin. I really don't."
She said these last words in tones so sharp that Tarquin felt a flash of anger. Why was she being so… obtuse? Then he noticed something in her eyes that wasn't just stubbornness.
He opened his mouth to explain. "I—"

"Don’t you think we care? Of course we do,[.]" Her hands spiralled in front of her,[.] "But we need to rescue Jules and the others first. Surely you understand that?"

"We—"

"Is that it? " She clicked her fingers and pointed accusatory [an accusative forefinger] at Tarquin, "That's it! You don’t think believe I don't care? [!] How can you think that?"

"Of course I didn't say you didn't care, but they could be alive, that’s the urgency!" Tarquin’s voice trembled. "I have to go! Don't you understand? They could be alive."

"Or very dead," said Rhia crossing her arms with a huff.

Tarquin glaring [glared] at her. "What would you do then, eh? If they were your parents… you would do exactly the same, and I…" His breath caught. "I would understand."

"But… if you go…" Her eyes watered. She looked away, rubbing at the corner of her eye with a knuckle. Was the girl… crying?
She jerked her head to gaze at him. "You could get killed! I… don’t want you getting killed," she said, with a hushed voice.

Tarquin was silent, not knowing what to say.

She coughed and stood up, briskly wiping her eyes. "It’s your decision. Go, find your parents. Let’s just hope we all survive to meet again." She opened the door and[,] as she left before closing the door, she turned to Tarquin. "If you change your mind, you know where we are."

"Good luck," said Tarquin, but she was gone.

[Peter Graham]

Hi Bloater,

Sorry to say this, but this is not your best piece, I'm afraid. Throughout earlier extracts, there has been a strong and consistent element of burlesque and robust good humour which is really your trademark as a writer. Now, I accept that there will be serious moments in the work and that those moments need to be played straight, but I'm afraid the dialogue here, although very necessary, is a bit unconvincing.

I think there are two reasons for this. Firstly, TJ doesn't seem to be that concerned at seeing his parents in captivity. He's only a lad and I've have thought he would have taken it much worse. As it is, he lets other people have their say, he discusses the issue rationally (even though he is changing the group plan), he asks pertinent and factual questions and shows little or no apparent anger, emotion or frustration about his parent's predicament. There might be a reason for this, of course, but if so it needs to be made more clear so that the dialogue can be read accordingly.

Secondly, in the exchange with Rhia, it is her rather than him who is expressing emotion. OK, she's annoyed that he's off on a jolly of his own, but I'd have thought he has more to be upset about. I'm amazed he stands still long enough to hear what she is saying. And, as GC says, Rhia (and TJ) both sound suspiciously adult. It was a long time since I was 16, but I recall the melting pot of hormonal irrationality, which, when combined with every 16 year old's belief that they pretty much know everything, would make for an explosive mix is someone else tried to suggest that perhaps his own ideas and outlook was not the right one.

In brief, I think we need more tears before bedtime, or at least an explanation in the dialogue as to how TJ can be so focussed when confronted with this situation.

Regards,

Peter

[The Bloated One]

Gio,

Thanks for taking the time to re-draft the main passage. I was getting obcessed with 'show don't tell'. I clearly don't have the balance right yet. This writing malarky is hard when you try and mix humour with life and death!

I like the idea of writing it directly from Tarquin's POV rather than third person omniscient (sic). This would certainly give it more emotional punch from a blokes point of view. I need to get ascross to the readrer that Tarquin can't handle an hysterical woman when he's trying so hard to be a hero!! Why can't she understand!!!

Thanks, much appreciated.

TBO

[The Bloated One]

Peter,

Your first paragraph is fair comment and one that I will look to address. This passage is so important, I really, really have to get to work.

I''l take a stab at Writing it from Tarquin's POV with plenty of adolescent emotion, and PM you with a re-draft if you don't object.

Thanks again,

TBO