True Born, critique please

[Damiynn]

The True Born
By A.V.Wedhorn

Chapter 1
Pelarus knew the people of his mountain village considered him special. He was one of the true born, one of the ancient descendants brought by the gods from ancient Greece and Egypt to Mallyria when they left earth.

As the slave master’s knotted rope ripped the flesh from his back in bloody strips, he did not consider himself such.

At least none of the others in the raiding party had been captured, he thought, shaking his head and biting down on his lower lip as he fought back another scream. He only had himself to blame for being captured.

The gods must have wanted it, he thought as the lash continued falling. He knew if the same thing had happened again, he would have been captured twice.

In his mind’s eye he saw the small child wondering aimlessly out onto the cobbled street again. Then he saw the herd of stampeding cattle that his men had engineered to be a distraction hurtling straight at her. A flash of sunlight on her golden hair had drawn his attention and he had wheeled his horse around. Charging through the stampeding herd he reached her just before she was overtaken.

With a dexterity that comes from being True born, he had snagged the small girl out of death’s jaws by one arm. He remembered how light she had felt when he had yanked her up into the saddle, then his horse had stumbled. He could still feel the hooves crashing into him as he had thrown his body over hers.

The child was the youngest daughter of the city’s current mayor and the spark of his life. His selfless act had spared him death by stoning for raiding. But now clinging to the whipping pole in the hammering hot sun, he wondered whether he might have been better off dead.

“Slaves are too work, Pelarus. Slaves are to lift, carry, and set the stone,” hissed

the rat-faced Dramel into his ear. “They are not supposed to help other fallen slaves

who can’t complete their tasks. How many times do I have to tell you this!” The

knotted rope fell again and Pelarus felt another layer of flesh ripped from his back.

[ctg]

Good idea, but you need to work with the descriptions that lead to the action. Use that action to lead you to a climax, ending with a little narrative from Pelarus, and a logical bridge to the next chapter.

You can find below my try on your idea.


The True Born
By A.V.Wedhorn

Chapter 1

Pelarus knew the people of his mountain village considered him special. They believed he was one of the true born, one of the lucky ones, because he bared the markings of the Gods. For hundreds of years, child's who had born with [insert description here] were believed to be ancient descendants of a [adjective] race.
The monks of a [insert a God name here] mountain temple had told Pelarus that [insert racial description here]. They also had told that the ancient Gods of [insert names here], [add a description or a historical fact]
Monk [insert name here] believed that this meant [insert description here]...

With a snap, the slave master’s knotted rope ripped a piece of flesh from his [adjective] back, making him to curse his bad luck. 'At least the others managed to escape the slave raiders.' he thought of the pain invoked the memory of [insert a flashback scene here].

...

Pelarus sensed that something was wrong. His sixth sense made him to look at the young girl, who was running down the cobbled street, not very far from the slave column. In same time he noticed a group of men herding a group of cattle down the street, directly towards them. From their [insert an observation here], he could tell that their intentions were not good. People were going to get hurt, and the young girl was going to be the first one.
[Continue with the action or with a dialogue that culminates to the action]