Hi all, um yea have a read if you wish?

[SOS]

Hi all,

Anyway new here (so wont be putting much out just yet) :-p
But any addy kind or not so much would be welcomed.

Thanks

The winds were cold as Damian wound his way into the mountains, their icy claws picked between his tough clothing and snatched at his eyes. Still though he smiled, for this weather was nothing compared to what he had lived through. For all the commotion about the splitting of earth, and the changes wrought upon the lands this world was the most peaceful he had ever lived upon. His strong hands pulled him up the rocky terrain, he had left the tough grasses far behind. Now he wound his way over increasingly barren soils, the air was thin and it tossed snowflakes playfully into the air around him. He could feel the strong pull of his homeland now more than ever. The place where the boundaries of his world and this met, it called to him, pulsating through his veins. For seventeen years he had ignored the call, ignored the pull of home. For he was an exile and exiles who return pay with their life. But it was not the threat of his death that forced him to leave, but the threat of death to those he loved. He pulled himself onto the very precipice of a small winding path, and looked out towards the sea. Far to the east lay the western shores of Europe and Africa desolate wastelands of once proud empires. The wild lands of Europe had been carved and torn, old countries had been ravaged and destroyed, only the city of Turin still held to the old ways. Only the city of Turin still bled its people dry to feed the three watch cities on the far western front of the new lands. There were no other great cities left. Indeed there were few empires left across that mass of rolling grasses and golden sands. He smiled, at the thought of it. Without cities the men could grow again, without the great warring empires the people settled, the old ways had been forgotten in this Europe, the old ways had fallen with the Skyranians, with those beasts they brought with them, Damian grieved for the minds of men, for they always followed, few struck out on their own path. Few made their own way. His thoughts drifted to old tales of the furthest eastern realms, where nought but the Eastern province survived. He had herd tales of whole lands lost, of whole peoples dragged into the nothingness when the earth first began to split. But the East had ever bloomed, and the most whispered, desperate tale ever to reach his ears was of Eden. A secret long lost to the tides of time. But now Damian would leave these lands forever, he closed his eyes and sought out his passage home. His breathing slowed, and it rushed him, engulfing his very soul he was pulled from the earth, he was embraced, welcomed home.

Any comments? Cheers

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by SOS

Hi all,

Anyway new here (so wont be putting much out just yet) :-p
But any addy kind or not so much would be welcomed.

Thanks

First comment: cut it up into paragraphs. A single block of text like that is quite scary, and will tend to put off potential critiquers.

The winds were cold as Damian wound his way into the mountains, their icy claws picked between his tough clothing and snatched at his eyes. Still

comma

though

comma

he smiled, for this weather was nothing compared to what he had lived through. For all the commotion about the splitting of earth, and the changes wrought upon the lands

comma this world was the most peaceful he had ever lived upon. His strong hands pulled him up the rocky terrain,

semicolon

he had left the tough grasses far behind. Now

"as"?

he wound his way over increasingly barren soils, the air was thin and it tossed snowflakes playfully into the air around him. He could feel the strong pull of his homeland now more than ever. The place where the boundaries of his world and this met, it called to him, pulsating through his veins. For seventeen years he had ignored the call, ignored the pull of home. For he was an exile and exiles who return pay with their life

lives

. But it was not the threat of his death that

had?

forced him to leave, but the threat of death to those he loved. He pulled himself onto the very precipice

not clear. One side of the path drops off vertically?

of a small winding path, and looked out towards the sea. Far to the east lay the western shores of Europe and Africa

comma

desolate wastelands of once proud empires. The wild lands of Europe had been carved and torn, old countries had been ravaged and destroyed, only the city of Turin still held to the old ways. Only the city of Turin still bled its people dry to feed the three watch cities on the far western front of the new lands. There were no other great cities left. Indeed there were few empires left across that mass of rolling grasses and golden sands. He smiled, at the thought of it. Without cities the men could grow again, without the great warring empires the people settled, the old ways had been forgotten in this Europe,

full stop

the old ways had fallen with the Skyranians, with those beasts they brought with them,

full stop

Damian grieved for the minds of men, for they always followed, few struck out on their own path. Few made their own way. His thoughts drifted to old tales of the furthest eastern realms, where nought but the Eastern province survived. He had herd

heard

tales of whole lands lost, of whole peoples dragged into the nothingness when the earth first began to split. But the East had ever bloomed, and the most whispered, desperate tale ever to reach his ears was of Eden. A secret long lost to the tides of time. But now Damian would leave these lands forever, he closed his eyes and sought out his passage home. His breathing slowed, and it rushed him, engulfing his very soul

semicolon; and should that be "earth" with a lower case "e", or the planet?

he was pulled from the earth, he was embraced, welcomed home.

Any comments? Cheers

And welcome in.

[Kahnmark]

My grasp flickers as you switch between the action and the backstory. It does sound like you've formulated a detailed world here, and I hate to toot the same old horn, but you should find ways to bring out backstory through dialogue and spacing out the memories that occur to the character.

As chrispenycate pointed out, dividing up your paragraphs and improving organization is important. You may have copied and pasted from something that has breaks and indents and whatnot, but you should put a line between paragraphs here.

I'd like to read more story progression and less exposition. All I know is that the fellow is navigating some harsh terrain. It may simply be my taste in storytelling, but I don't think it's kosher to use low-action segments to lay a foundation. You should lay your foundation gradually and with respect to the character's experiences. I really hate being critical, but I find it one of the most constructive forces in writing. Think of it like this, if someone tears at your work, usually all you have to do is put it back together in a different order. So back to the story - perhaps you could have Damian take a break from his trek and enjoy, as you say, the relatively comfortable climate. He could take something from a pack and look pensively around the landscape, reminiscing on the history of the world and so forth. But for no longer than two paragraphs.

For the record, the story pulls me in and makes me wonder what happened to the world and who this man is.

[SOS]

Just wanted to say thankyou to the two replies.
I hadnt used a online forum before and was unsure what would be critqued and how much to post etc. As both responses pointed out my grammar, spelling (general english) isnt exactly fantastic. (somthing i should really attempt to work on, but dont.)
The idea for this 'story' (for me) was that i would be much 'quicker' if that makes sense, (The whole thing is only nine pages long) it was a experiment if you like to see if i could write like that. An attempt to cram a lot of infomation and not spread the story. Both posts were great insights,
Thanks again.

[The Ace]

I'm afraid I'm with Chris, good description, but too cramped. Separating it into paragraphs would improve the flow and make it less daunting.