A Link to more "Darkness"

[RVM45]

.....I've been puzzled why none of the folks who gave the first chapter such high marks; haven't yet read the second chapter; or followed the link to the balance of the story- I'm up to chapter seventeen and hope to start working on eighteen tomorrow(today actually; but after sleep.)

.....Anyway, it occured to me that maybe no one knew that I'd added the other stuff- since the header only mentions chapter one.

.....So anyway, here's the bulk of the story:

Darkness - Survival Discussion Board and Forum

.....I have the story on several forums, but his is one of the "cleaner" formats- not being intertwined with many, many comment threads. Also, this is the one forum that has both my stories; and Jerry D. Young's. I think anyone who takes the time to read a few of his stories while you're over there, will really enjoy them- so if you go; it's a two-for(or more).

.....RVM45

[RVM45]

.....I just finished and posted Chapter eighteen- if anyone is interested.

.....RVM45

[Giovanna Clairval]

I've read seven chapters so far.

Your protagonist's travelling in disguise is well crafted. I have always wanted to know what to do to survive in case I'd be hunted down across the Big Country. That's an adventure I dreamed of when I was little.
The read was satisfying up to chapter 6. Then something put me off.

The scene in which our friend saves not-so helpless Pretty from collective rape is less believable. I was left wondering why the guy does what he does. Well, I understand that he is a psychotic, although I don't see any sign of psychose in him, apart from his fixation on his eyeless brudder. Seems more of a psychopath to me, which would account for that drive to perform useless violence. Yes, it's useless, and not because I don't approve of violent scenes--I write a lot of those--, but because acting like that is bound to blow his cover. Why does he do it? Just for the heck of it? Because he holds to some scrap of good sentiments?

The prose is detached, but non unhumanly so: the protagonist doesn't display the alien hunger of a Hannibal Lechter. What is he, then, a big sentimental, purpish hero? The sentence preceding his outburst of violence is not enough to explain his reasons. As it is, the scene leaves us unconcerned.

I think you should flesh it out, either with some psychotic, blood-freezing thinking (but I already said he didn't strike me as psychotic) or with some other thoughts explaining what goes on in his (so far very structured) mind.

Apart from this flaw, it is a gripping tale.

Why are you posting it on a forum?

Giovanna

[RVM45]

.....That's what it started out to be- a story for my buddies on the survival forums. It grew into more. I'm about 300 wordshort of finishing my next to last chapter- but I'm duer to relenquish the computer soon; dso probably won't get it posted 'till tomorrow.

.....One it's done, probably have to let it set awhile; before I could get enthused about any sort of re-write.

.....Thanks!

.....RVM45

[RVM45]

.....I just posted Chapter Nineteen. One more chapter to go; and one big surprise left.

.....Giovanna Clairval- After some thought: He rescues Pretty because although he is quite capable of turning his back on the need of a person; abstract ideas mean a great deal to him. As he saw them pulling her pants down, he saw it as the defilement of the clean; and the ruination of innocence.

.....Although Pretty ends up having many secrets of her own- the VP knows her- through his compulsive evesdropping on anything and everything- as a young twenty something who somehow lives in the heart of the ghetto, without being touched by it. She isn't a drug addict; she doesn't drink; she doesn't date; is very sparing with strong language; and doesn't even smoke.

.....She has an odd sort of almost autistic feyness about her; and he isn't sure that she's all there.

.....Also, he tries to live by an idealized, ideosyncratic and somewhat westernized version of Bushido. He believes that a Warrior often stakes his life on a whim- that is Bushido.

.....Never finished a novel before. I feel kinda sad and empty. I know that with a rewrite- and some judicious padding- it might be publishable. I do not feel up to tackling that task for awhile.

.....(with the last chapter unwritten, the word count is about 35 000.)

.....RVM45

[RVM45]

.....Wrote and posted the Twentieth and final chapter of "Darkness" today. Although I had planned the broad outline; it really took an unexpected turn for the darkside. Hope no one was bummed out.


....RVM45