The Truth About God - Part 1

[Cosmic24]

Part 1.1

For most 24 year olds, life was going pretty fast. For Nathan however, life couldn't have possibly been moving any slower. Watching aimlessly as all his friends started their careers Nathan spent quiet nights alone endlessly dreaming about the future he was beginning to think would never come. For all his life he thought he was different. He knew at a young age that being special would somehow alienate him, and his present state spoke for itself. For years things just never seemed to go his way but he always held his head up. Although amazingly intelligent, he lacked a voice that people could connect with, even when what he said was what they wanted to hear. Such disappointment can be tough on a person, and in many ways this was true for Nathan. But something kept pushing him to wait it out. "Your day will come...." he always told himself. So at the start of a new semester in college, he opened up the course catalog, closed his eyes and pointed.

Keeping track of all the classes and career paths he had chosen over the last 6 years was nearly impossible. His latest bout at trying to be a novellist had ended with a major lack of motivation. Like always, the ideas trapped inside his head were too much for people to understand. It was as if his vision were so clear, people just saw right through it. One of the more obvious beliefs that set him apart was his lack of belief in a higher power. It never bothered him that he was an atheist, but it did set him apart from about 90% of the people he met. Either way, his destiny at least in his own mind was set, and one day he would acheive some level of greatness. To what extent, however, he had no clue. After deciding that photo/journalism was his next step to enlightenment, Nathan got comfortable in his usual spot on the couch and laid back for what he hoped would be a grueling night of Halo 2 on his XBOX360. He had recently picked up online gaming as a sort of outlet for all the upsets his current path kept leading him to, so tonight he planned on really "laying down the law," as he so graciously liked to say. Things were going his way for a change, at least in the game, when suddenly his 42" Samsung HDTV went spazo. Before the controller that fell from his hands as he lunged forward could hit the ground, he was on his hands and knees in front of the TV desperately searching for the source of his problems.

"God Damnit!!!!" he shouted.

"Who me? No thats my brother." a voice barely audible through the snow said.

After a quick glance at the beer he was drinking and trying to remember how many he had drank already..."I am so not tripping that hard." he said.

"Are you sure?" the voice from the TV said, louder this time.

And just then the TV went back to normal, GAME PAUSED staring Nathan right in the face once more. He looked at his beer again and scratched his head. "What is going on" he said to himself. A cigerette sounded perfect at that point and after trashing the Heineken he was drinking, he went out to the porch for just that. He had always thought of himself as a pretty observent guy. Even more so at picking out noises.( he had a thing for Music Production when he was 20.) He was almost positive the voice he heard was real but only a few minutes of rethinking and a little nicotine was going to help him now.

[Cosmic24]

Part 1.2

The night was brisk and very quiet for a change. Living next to Interstate 5 was nice for Ocean views but horrible for noise. Strange though that at 11:30 on a saturday night things were as quiet as they were. Even the sound of his lighter igniting seemed like the only thing he could hear. The sound of a car whizzing past on the interstate in front of him eased his mind a bit as he took the last couple of drags off his cigerette. With one last puff he aimed at his favorite ash tray, the lone bush on his front porch, and fired away as usual. Just before he turned around however, the bush completely lit on fire in a quick burst and what almost looked like a face seemed to peer back at him through the flames. He would have thought he was dreaming if he hadn't slammed his head on his front door as he jarred backward from the fire. But as he looked around he could see that there was a couple in the parking lot not even 30 feet away that seemed clueless to what was happening. This realization suddely took over Nathan and in a sick panic he clumisly ran back into his apartment as fast as he could. He whipped around like lightning and slammed the door shut, locking it immidiately before he crouched down against the door sweating all over himself. Most people would have probably been on the brink of a mental break down at this point but not Nathan. Though fear in some way was definately a factor for him, he could only sort of sit there and laugh about it. Within in seconds Nathan was rolling around on the floor laughing so hard his stomach was hurting. That's when all the lights suddenly went out. As his laughter slowly died off the voice he had heard before started speaking again, and this time much more seriously.

"Look, I'd love to stay here and play games all night but I need your help Nathan of Earth."

"Nathan of Earth? What are you ruling more than one planet these days?"

"Hah, you're very funny, but Im not your supreme being, Im his brother."

"Ok what? I know I might be drunk but supreme gods with brothers too?
What have you been smoking Nathan?" he thought to himself. "Is this some kind of joke?" he asked aloud.


"Hmm, obviously God hasn't told your people of his existance yet, its actually very common, let me...."

"Woah woah woah there mist..eh... whatever the hell you are...First off, God has a lot of people on this planet doing all types of stupid things for him but Im not one of them. Secondly, its gonna take a lot more than some burning bush and messing up my TV to get me to believe anything I might be hearing right now is the truth."

"Hmm, are you sure God is making people do things for him? Like a king?"

"Well I wouldn't call it forcing but yes. In fact he's got about 3 or 4 big groups of people killing eachother daily over which way of worshiping him is right. It all makes me sick!"

"What you are explaining is something extremely against the laws of my council. The job of a supreme being is to protect and aid the life that inhabits the galaxies we preside over. Beyond that I know my brother to be incredibly tenacious at following the stirct guidelines of our work, so this really can't be true."

"Well it is, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but maybe your brother is not who you thought he was."


"No, it only further proves my original assumption. My brother, God, hasn't been here for a long time and no one has been alerted. Your people have seemingly come up with ideas of their own, and who knows what amounts of irreparairable damage has been done."

"You're telling me...Heh. Hey could you turn the lights back on? This is getting kind of creepy."


"Oh yes, I apologize." the voice replied. As the lights came on he continued, "So you might be wondering why I chose you Nathan, and for that I really can only say that you seemed like a good bet."

Something really strange was obviously at the bottom of all this, but on a boring and utterly depressing night such as this one, Nathan just sort of went a long for the ride as he and the so called Supreme Being continued to discuss the situation. According to the supreme being, who likes to be called Empyreal by the way, God and himself are part of an ancient group of supernatarual beings who's sole purpose is to serve and protect the galaxies of the universe; sort of like an intergalactic police/environmental protection force. He also proceeded to catch Nathan up on the most recent happenings that led him to Earth and explained the absolute necessity of finding out how and why God and possibly many other supreme beings were disappearing. For most people, sitting in their living room speaking to an invisible voice about gods and the universe would make them question their sanity. Nathan on the other hand loved it. It took him some getting used to at first, but the idea of an invisble being inviting him on a quest to save the universe was like winning the lottery. If it was really happening, this was the moment he had been waiting for his entire life. He couldn't help but laugh to himself...

[RodneyMcKay]

Ok, so the one thing that got me about the paragraph was how he watchs his friends, yet you make it seem like he has been alienated all this time and wouldn't have made any friends.

And my own personal opinion... he is not very intelligent if he smokes (little thing that annoys me but if it part of you characterisation, I live with it)

Originally Posted by Cosmic24

Part 1.2

Within in seconds Nathan was rolling around on the floor laughing so hard his stomach was hurting.

Should just be within

Originally Posted by Cosmic24

Something really strange was obviously at the bottom of all this, but on a boring and utterly depressing night such as this one, Nathan just sort of went a long for the ride as he and the so called Supreme Being continued to discuss the situation. According to the supreme being, who likes to be called Empyreal by the way, God and himself are part of an ancient group of supernatarual beings who's sole purpose is to serve and protect the galaxies of the universe; sort of like an intergalactic police/environmental protection force. He also proceeded to catch Nathan up on the most recent happenings that led him to Earth and explained the absolute necessity of finding out how and why God and possibly many other supreme beings were disappearing. For most people, sitting in their living room speaking to an invisible voice about gods and the universe would make them question their sanity. Nathan on the other hand loved it. It took him some getting used to at first, but the idea of an invisble being inviting him on a quest to save the universe was like winning the lottery. If it was really happening, this was the moment he had been waiting for his entire life. He couldn't help but laugh to himself...

This bit makes it seem like you've just desided you can't be bother with the conversation so you have thrown in a paragraph instead. Doesn't make the story flow so well.

Signing Out
Miss Rodney

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by Cosmic24

Part 1.1

For most 24 year olds, life was going pretty fast. For Nathan

comma

however, life couldn't have possibly been moving any slower. Watching aimlessly as all his friends started their careers

comma

Nathan spent quiet nights alone

comma

endlessly dreaming about the future he was beginning to think would never come. For all his life he

"had" in here, and possibly without the "for" at the beginning of the sentence

thought he was different. He knew at a young age that being special would somehow alienate him, and his present state spoke for itself. For years things just never seemed to go his way but he always held his head up. Although amazingly intelligent, he lacked a voice that people could connect with, even when what he said was what they wanted to hear. Such disappointment can be tough on a person, and in many ways this was true for Nathan. But something kept pushing him to wait it out. "Your day will come...." he always told himself. So at the start of a new semester in college, he opened up the course catalog, closed his eyes and pointed.

Keeping track of all the classes and career paths he had chosen over the last 6 years was nearly impossible. His latest bout at trying to be a novellist had ended with a major lack of motivation. Like always, the ideas trapped inside his head were too much for people to understand. It was as if his vision were so clear, people just saw right through it. One of the more obvious beliefs that set him apart was his lack of belief in a higher power.

eliminate the repetition of "belief"?

It never bothered him that he was an atheist, but it did set him apart from about 90% of the people he met. Either way, his destiny

commas setting off "at least in his own mind" but that sentence is clumsy

at least in his own mind was set, and one day he would acheive some level of greatness. To what extent, however, he had no clue. After deciding that photo/journalism

is that a slash, or photojournalism? was his next step to enlightenment, Nathan got comfortable in his usual spot on the couch and laid

lay

back for what he hoped would be a grueling night of Halo 2 on his XBOX360. He had recently picked up online gaming as a sort of outlet for all the upsets his current path kept leading him to, so tonight he planned on really "laying down the law," as he so graciously liked to say. Things were going his way for a change, at least in the game, when suddenly his 42" Samsung HDTV went spazo. Before the controller that fell from his hands as he lunged forward could hit the ground, he was on his hands and knees in front of the TV desperately searching for the source of his problems.

"God Damnit!!!!" he shouted.

"Who me? No thats my brother." a voice barely audible through the snow said.

After a quick glance at the beer he was drinking and trying to remember how many he had drank

drunk

already..."I am so not tripping that hard." he said.

"Are you sure?" the voice from the TV said, louder this time.

And just then the TV went back to normal, GAME PAUSED staring Nathan right in the face once more. He looked at his beer again and scratched his head. "What is going on" he said to himself. A cigerette sounded perfect at that point and

comma

after trashing the Heineken he was drinking, he went out to the porch for just that. He had always thought of himself as a pretty observent

observant

guy.

[color=red]Perhaps ""especially" as you've not specified what it's more than[color]

Even more so at picking out noises.( he had

he had had a thing

a thing for Music Production when he was 20.) He was almost positive the voice he heard was real but only a few minutes of rethinking and a little nicotine was going to help him now.

[chrispenycate]

Originally Posted by Cosmic24

Part 1.2

The night was brisk and very quiet for a change. Living next to Interstate 5 was nice for Ocean views but horrible for noise. Strange though that

comma

at 11:30 on a saturday night

comma

things were as quiet as they were. Even the sound of his lighter igniting seemed like the only thing he could hear. The sound of a car whizzing past on the interstate in front of him eased his mind a bit as he took the last couple of drags off his cigerette. With one last puff he aimed at his favorite ash tray, the lone bush on his front porch, and fired away as usual. Just before he turned around

comma

however, the bush completely lit on fire in a quick burst and what almost looked like a face seemed to peer back at him through the flames. He would have thought he was dreaming if he hadn't slammed his head on his front door as he jarred backward from the fire. But as he looked around he could see that there was a couple in the parking lot not even 30 feet away that seemed clueless to

"clueless to" sounds a bit strange. "clueless as to" perhaps

what was happening. This realization suddely

suddenly

took over Nathan and in a sick panic he clumisly

clumsily

ran back into his apartment as fast as he could. He whipped around like lightning and slammed the door shut, locking it immidiately

immediately, comma

before he crouched down against the door

comma

sweating all over himself. Most people would have probably been on the brink of a mental break down

breakdown

at this point but not Nathan. Though fear in some way was definately

definitely

a factor for him, he could only sort of sit there and laugh about it. Within in seconds Nathan was rolling around on the floor laughing so hard his stomach was hurting. That's when all the lights suddenly went out. As his laughter slowly died off the voice he had heard before started speaking again, and this time much more seriously.

"Look, I'd love to stay here and play games all night but I need your help

comma

Nathan of Earth."

"Nathan of Earth? What

comma

are you ruling more than one planet these days?"

"Hah, you're very funny, but Im not your supreme being, Im

I'm

his brother."

"Ok what? I know I might be drunk but supreme gods with brothers too?
What have you been smoking Nathan?" he thought to himself. "Is this some kind of joke?" he asked aloud.


"Hmm, obviously God hasn't told your people of his existance yet, its

it's

actually very common, let me...."

"Woah woah woah there mist..eh... whatever the hell you are...First off, God has a lot of people on this planet doing all types of stupid things for him but Im

I'm

not one of them. Secondly, its

it's

gonna take a lot more than some burning bush and messing up my TV to get me to believe anything I might be hearing right now is the truth."

"Hmm, are you sure God is making people do things for him? Like a king?"

"Well I wouldn't call it forcing but yes. In fact he's got about 3 or 4 big groups of people killing eachother daily over which way of worshiping him is right. It all makes me sick!"

"What you are explaining is something extremely against the laws of my council. The job of a supreme being is to protect and aid the life that inhabits the galaxies we preside over. Beyond that I know my brother to be incredibly tenacious at following the stirct guidelines of our work, so this really can't be true."

"Well it is,

period

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but maybe your brother is not who you thought he was."


"No, it only further proves my original assumption. My brother, God, hasn't been here for a long time and no one has been alerted. Your people have seemingly come up with ideas of their own, and who knows what amounts of irreparairable damage has been done."

either "amount…has“ or “amounts…have"

"You're telling me...Heh. Hey could you turn the lights back on? This is getting kind of creepy."


"Oh yes, I apologize." the voice replied. As the lights came on he

possibly "it" rather than "he" (referring to the voice, and removing gender information on the deity

continued, "So you might be wondering why I chose you Nathan, and for that I really can only say that you seemed like a good bet."

Something really strange was obviously at the bottom of all this, but on a boring and utterly depressing night such as this one, Nathan just sort of went a long

along

for the ride as he and the so called Supreme Being continued to discuss the situation. According to the supreme being, who likes to be called Empyreal by the way, God and himself are part of an ancient group of supernatarual beings who's sole purpose is to serve and protect the galaxies of the universe; sort of like an intergalactic police/environmental protection force.

whyis this sentence in present tense when the rest is past?

He also proceeded to catch Nathan up on the most recent happenings that

had

led him to Earth and explained the absolute necessity of finding out how and why God

comma

and possibly many other supreme beings

comma - and you've painted yourself into a corner with the continous "disappearing" – there is no evidence given that god has not been disappeared for some considerable time, in human terms.

were disappearing. For most people, sitting in their living room speaking to an invisible voice about gods and the universe would make them question their sanity. Nathan on the other hand loved it. It took him some getting used to at first, but the idea of an invisble being inviting him on a quest to save the universe was like winning the lottery. If it was really happening, this was the moment he had been waiting for his entire life. He couldn't help but laugh to himself...

[Cosmic24]

2 Chrispenycate,
Hey thanks a lot for the grammar work. I may need to hire you as my editor from now on. But the real question is, what did you think of what you read? Does this it seem interesting to you? A lot of my ideas are really out there, so Im always asking... :P

[chrispenycate]

I generally don't comment on style, as my taste does not necessarily line up with anyone else's. So I point out the punctuation and grammar, because it's something I can do, might even help, and informs you somebody has read through your piece attentivrly, from beginning to end (very annoying when there are no responses, positive or negative, isn't it?)

So, what I found was that I didn't empathise with your central character, and I should. The description, apart from the amazing intelligence and the smoking, hits very close to home (and, I suspect, matches a faily large percentage of Chronicals). I should feel that, if I happened to have a divine visitation, that would be me.
Now, you can claim that he is far enough of the norm that I can't be expected to feel like him; but some authors can make me feel really warped characters, and care about what happens to them.
However, I can't translate this into word order or rhythm, or anything I know how to explain, and anyway, I'm strange; my views are not frequently those of anyone else.

[buskydudd]

The brother of God talking to somebody who feels vaguely "chosen"...through a sputzy television signal.

This idea has real potential.

At this stage of your writerly maturation, you have some bad habits. You idea, however, has blood and oxygen and electricity. William Gaddis would've used it. He died without a much-deserved Nobel. He too was vaguely chosen.

Now...how does one spot, much less get rid of, bad habits?...after all, get rid of the bad habits, and we have an idea with blood and oxygen and electricity that a Nobel-robbed illuminati would've used...

[Cosmic24]

thanks for the comment Buskydudd. I know I have bad habits and I'm trying daily to rid myself of them. Sometimes it's laziness, sometimes I just loose track of where I was going. Its all part of the process though Im sure.

Besides that, im very happy that you see the potential of this story even in its infant stages. Hopefully I wont skew away too far from what you like about it.

In a nut shell, an alien named Empyreal (a galactic protector) has just lost his assigned Galaxy to a collision with another galaxy. He then sets off to find his brother God who might have answers to why he wasnt notified before the collision, but when he reaches the Milky Way(God's assigned galaxy) he finds that God has disappeared. In search of answers, he makes contact with an earth man named Nathan, an atheist who has lost his way in life. Together they will travel the universe searching for God and the other missing protectors to save the universe from impending doom; encountering all types of amazing obstacles on the way. (ancient alien ruins, far more advanced civilizations, "MIND Games", etc.)

Intersting concepts-
In this world, Religion will be debunked but God will exist.
AND
The way scientists see the universe will be correct but we find that it can be manipulated on a large scale for long-term sustainability.

Hope this sounds fun, cuz Im having a blast writing it.

[RodneyMcKay]

I think it is really good idea for a story! Have fun writing it!

[The Curious Orange]

Start with the line "God dammit!"

Everything before that point is irrelevant info-dumping. Move it to chapter 15. If it doesn't work there, delete it.