Citizens Of Shimmer II

[maguffin]

Second excerpt from Shimmer novel. Thanks to those who critiqued before. As before looking for general feel rather than grammar style but if you see anything glaringly bad then please say so. Thanks in advance editors in chiefs.

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Fiori swung her legs over the side of her bed. The room was warm so she just had her pants on and couldn’t be bothered to fully dress. The only other thing she had on were her gloves and that was out of habit. Thin skin coloured things that prevented her from accidentally touching living flesh, accidentally holoseeing what she didn’t want to see.

She looked round the room and was, as she always was, mildly disgusted with her own untidiness. Her clothes scattered across the floor gave it the look of a recent Kick Security raid. She stood , went to the fridge and pulled out a bottled drink, walked over to the blinds at the window, pushed one aside and blinked at the light. Deciding that it was time to wake up properly she pulled the blinds back to let in the sorry excuse for a sun. The windows went all the way to the floor and were in reality doors out to her balcony. She hit the alarm release switch, slid them back and stepped out into the light and drank most of the drink.

Kick City stretched out before her. She looked across to the towering blocks opposite, some of them in constant shadow because of their position. Apartments over there were cheaper, unlike hers because she got constant sunlight. Her carpets near the window attested to that from the striped sun bleached pattern they betrayed. Kick City was the name everybody called it but it had originally been given the unimaginative title KIC 1 City. The first of many cities the KIC had built prior to the Wildfire as if they somehow knew what was coming. Fiori’s apartment was in the Pond District, named after a series of small interconnected ponds that had since dried and were now filled with rubbish. She was in the Merman Building, floor 145, apartment 2354c. She had chosen it specifically for the view. She looked over to her right and in the far distance she could just about see the farming area, closer to the sun since it had broken down.

The atmosphere that day was humid. Steam had risen from the buildings and the underground heating systems had created a temporary mist that hung around in clumps, hiding some of the lower buildings. Hover cars zipped in and out of them on their way to work or back from work. Shifts worked on a twenty four hour basis in Kick and the sun was only turned off for a six hour period. It took about an hour to dim, something the engineers hadn’t planned on but it did create something like a sunset, just one that never moved.

Fiori looked upwards and waited a few moments for a small break in the mist that hung up there almost constantly. Before long a gap opened and she saw the dome. Solid reinforced steel, concrete slabbed, strong and hopefully pulse drone proof, and millions upon millions of tons or rock and earth above it. It had originally been surfaced to look like the sky but that had dirtied a long time ago. She just about managed to catch sight of the sunrail that ran across the dome where the sun was meant to traverse every day but it had broken down several years before and had been deemed too expensive to fix. Property prices reversed overnight. Who’d want to spend money on an apartment constantly in shadow? The economy took a small flip and the farming was relocated to where it best suited the light.

A hover car passed beeping it’s horn probably for the fact she was topless but she didn’t care. Almost out of habit she threw the bottle at the driver. It just about clipped the tail of the hover car, making a nice dent. Yes, underground was safe but you had to share it with teeth and Kick had plenty of teeth. When a whole city is created out of the ashes of another, when all it’s inhabitants are survivors or children of survivors there is a price to pay. Kick City bristled continually with undercurrents of distrust. Survivor mentality was blamed but blame was the last thing on most peoples minds. There were other more immediate considerations.

Fiori heard her door alarm. It was akin to a bird whistle, melodious and something rarely heard naturally in the city. They had tried to introduce animals in Kick but they quickly became uncontrollable pests and had to be eliminated. Rats, mice and cats were more common than birds and harder to get rid of. Fiori wondered where her cat was. She had designed a special way in and out so that Jin could wander free when she liked which was often. Fiori moved inside and went to her door and looked at the viewing screen. It was a woman, in her fifties, smart but boringly dressed. She had all the look of a Netz. She talked to her through the intercom.
‘Hi, what can I do for you?’
The woman hesitated, not sure what to say. Fiori guessed immediately what it was she wanted. Only a Netz would hesitate and she wasn’t about to help her out.
‘I . . er . . I wondered if you could help me. I heard you could . . holosee, y’know, without receptors.’
‘Maybe.’
Fiori wanted to make her squirm, make her spill the details without Fiori giving anything away. After all the woman could be Kick Security.
‘I have money.’
‘How much?’
She reached into her neat but colourless jacket.
‘About three thousand KIC credits.’
Only a Netz would call money that. Indies wouldn’t, and even Subz would look embarrassed using the term. Three thousand kiks was a sum Fiori couldn’t turn down easily.
‘Ok. I’m going to let you in. When you come to the second door there’s a slot to the left. Drop a K in there. Afterwards, if you’re satisfied, you can drop the other two K in. Agreed?’
‘Yes.’
Fiori let her in the first door. The second door was only five feet in. She stepped in and the first door closed behind her. She jumped and looked nervous.
‘Don’t worry. Just a security precaution. If you’re carrying anything, weapons, surveillance, anything like that, it’ll be picked up.’
Fiori switched on the scanner. Nothing registered. She was clean. She didn’t tell her the whole apartment was shrouded and she probably wouldn’t expect it either. Shrouding was expensive technology that somebody in Pond was unlikely to be able to afford and it would arouse this woman’s suspicions.
‘Ok. You got to tell me what to look for otherwise it’ll be like looking for a book in a library without the title, y’know?’
‘Right. Well I just er . . I just got married you see.’
Inwardly Fiori groaned. She’d had her fair share of marital cases but they paid well and Fiori couldn’t really turn it down.
‘Ok. So you want me to see what you’re loved one is up to?’
Fiori couldn’t be bothered to hide her contempt when she said loved one.
‘Er . . yes. It was a Sensorium marriage so I haven’t actually met him yet.’
Fiori had come across holo marriages more and more these days. Netz didn’t like to call their holo lives a hologram. It smacked of something unreal, an illusion, so instead they called it the Sensorium. At first Netz just met through dating agencies, only in holo form and then they met later. Some were in for a bit of a shock, their holo image presented quite differently from what they were like in the flesh. As a result more and more holo marriages stayed just that. Partners never really met each other except in their holo home, with their holo selves and f***ed each others holo brains out. Fiori smiled at the accidental pun. But holo relationships were more difficult for Fiori to delve into. Holo relationships were murky and full of deceits. F**k, her husband could turn out to be some fourteen year old nerdy Netz with too much money and an enlarged right arm.
‘Alright. I understand. You see that slide in the door?’
The woman looked.
‘Yes.’
‘Open it and put your arm in.’
‘What, in there? Don’t I come in?’
‘No, you don’t. This way or not at all.’
The woman hesitated then slid the hatch open.
‘Good. Now put your right arm in and then sideways. You’ll be able to feel an upright rod. Hold on to it. You let go and this session is over. I have a number of defence systems in place so if you try anything you lose your arm. You understand?’
She nodded at the camera and put her arm in. Fiori opened the slide her side and saw her hand reach to the rod and grab it. There was a sudden noise from within the door, a mechanical whirring and the woman suddenly shouted.
‘Hey, what’s going on? Something’s got my arm.’
‘Don’t bother yourself. It’ll just hold you until we’re done . . and I’m paid.’
Fiori removed the glove on her right hand. She only needed one for the job. A small moment to clear her mind and then she reached in and clasped her hand around the woman’s.

[svalbard]

Hi Maguffin,

This is a big change to your first post of the story. I think you have an interesting world here and Fiori is still a good central character, even more so. I am not great in commenting on grammar, Chris is the person for that. But I think you might need to look at how you structure your paragraphs for readability.

That said, in my opinion, you worked your information on the world into the story well. It did not take from the narrative. I am intrigued as to how far you have gone with this.

[maguffin]

Originally Posted by svalbard

I am intrigued as to how far you have gone with this.

70,000 words or so, will probably finish up at 120. I read it again and it might be because I am familiar with it but the readability seems ok to me. Anybody else have the same problem as Svalbard?

Thanks

[RodneyMcKay]

I think it could perhaps use a little work but it still flowwed pretty well. You have me hooked in any case.

Rodney

[Kahnmark]

I find this underground realm intriguing. I like the main character as well. However one tiny little thing I could pick at is that upon first reading I tripped on this sentence, "Fiori looked upwards and waited a few moments for a small break in the mist that hung up there almost constantly. Before long a gap opened and she saw the dome. " There's some way it could be worded better but I can't put my finger on it. I think perhaps that the readability problem mentioned above may be due to the fact that you didn't double space out your paragraphs consistently. I find the flow smooth nonetheless.

Good stuff.

[RodneyMcKay]

I agree with Kahnmark, I like the idea of this whole underground world. Just a curiosity question, are all the domes as dingy as the one we are shown or is she just in a bad place at the moment.

[maguffin]

The dome, obviously underground, would have looked nice to start of with but can you imagine the cleaning bill!? It's immense. Imagine Manhattan underground and then increase it ten fold in height and breadth.

But of course there are rich areas, green, pleasant but a little false. Shanty towns exist at the lower levels with the sewers creating canals and lakes, beautiful but dangerous in the extreme, chemical and viral. I'm doing some redesigning of the city, making it more visual.

[maguffin]

Originally Posted by Kahnmark

I find this underground realm intriguing. I like the main character as well. However one tiny little thing I could pick at is that upon first reading I tripped on this sentence, "Fiori looked upwards and waited a few moments for a small break in the mist that hung up there almost constantly. Before long a gap opened and she saw the dome." There's some way it could be worded better but I can't put my finger on it. I think perhaps that the readability problem mentioned above may be due to the fact that you didn't double space out your paragraphs consistently. I find the flow smooth nonetheless.

Good stuff.

Thanks for that. You're right though. If I scan that line I do a little double take to understand it. How about -

"Fiori looked upwards and waited a few moments for a small break in the high mist. Before long a gap opened and she saw the dome."

Just a simple cut and a replacement word. Or it might be something as easy as putting in a comma such as -

"Fiori looked upwards and waited a few moments for a small break in the mist that hung up there, almost constantly. Before long a gap opened and she saw the dome."

Or I have just thought a better way -

"Fiori looked upwards at the mountain high mist and waited a few moments. Before long a gap opened and she saw the dome."