Chapter One - Fifth Magic (City and Glory Now)

[RodneyMcKay]

Chapter 1 Introductions

A young girl pushed her way through the crowded streets. She was holding something close to her chest as though she expected someone to grab at it. She was soaked to the skin with rain and looked half-starved. Blood trickled from the wounds on the side of her head, across her chest, and in her stomach. She ran down an alley up to the Temple. She held a hand out to the wall that surrounded the great building and purple light danced around her fingers. Slowly bricks slid out from their places and she climbed the makeshift steps up and over the wall. She ran over to the nearest wing of the building and opened the door. She could see nothing inside but darkness. She was becoming steadily weaker and her head was spinning. She glanced once behind herself before plunging into the darkness of the temple. Everything was dead quiet. For a few moments, she feared they may have been killed by the Lativa Guards. Then she heard a small noise, a noise like someone coughing, to the back of the building and realized her mission wasn’t a total waste. She ran to a door at the back of the building, her breath coming more sharply now. She pushed against the door with her shoulder. After she had rested a moment she knocked. The door opened and she tumbled to the ground, dead from the many different wounds. A note fell from her hand and on it was scrawled haphazard, small writing. The scrawny youth that had opened the door bent and picked up the note. He read it quickly before his master would call for him. It had, written on it, “Find the daughter of the Sapphire and seventh friend. The last of Sapphra’s line”

*

Isabel sat at the table eating her dinner, being careful not to dirty the cloth. Her father glared at her. She shrank back slightly as though hoping to avoid his gaze. However, he continued to watch her like a vulture waiting for its next meal. She lifted the fork to her mouth and saw with horror a small amount of potato fall and land on her dress. She looked up and saw his face turn from white, to red and then a dark shade of scarlet.
“Filthy child! Get out of my sight! Go!” he shouted she went to say something but he continued, “Get to bed now! You are an abomination to hygiene and manners!”
She leapt up and felt the fury boil in her. She held her breath for a second then nodded at the dinner guests and then made her way to her room.
Her room was at the back of the house and had been constructed by her father one weekend when he was feeling useful. It was fairly well made but tended to leak in the winter and was scorching hot in the summer. The corrugated iron roof was rusty in a few spots and one of the beams was shorter giving the room a slightly tilted roof.
Isabel tossed her black hair so it fell back round her shoulders. Her dark blue eyes twinkled with anger and she almost stomped. She rubbed her left temple; it always stung when she wished she was elsewhere. She figured it was her body’s way of telling her to stop thinking such silly things. This time it was particularly bad and she considered taking something for it. However, she knew that would mean she would need to return to the dining room and ask her mother. Her mother would then give her look that would seem to call her a headache herself before consulting her father who would insist that it would pass soon.
She sighed and got changed into her well worn pyjamas which now seemed to short for her. She laid down and closed her eyes. Just as she was getting to sleep she touched the side of her head where it stung. Quite suddenly she felt a jolt, as though a volt of electricity had passed through her. Then her world went completely dark and she faded out of consciousness.

*

When she woke she saw she was in the middle of a field of tall wheat. Her head no longer stung but just gave a dull ache. She touched her hand to it and felt it had become rough. There were ridges as though it were now scarred. She decided she must have bumped it when she hit the ground. She stood up and looked around. She decided it was safe for her to move out of the field and try to find someone.
All around her the light was dulling slowly so she assumed it was nightfall. She saw a small group of trees and a slight glow was coming from the centre. She crept over to as silently as she could. She peered through the trees and saw a small fire surrounded with rocks in a near perfect circle around it. She crept forward and saw there was a rucksack lying on the ground near one of the trees. Then she smelt it, the most delicious smell. She saw a small animal was roasting over the fire. She crept forward cautiously. She saw a sword and shield were lying not far from the rucksack and she quickly ran over to them and secured the scabbard around her waist. She slid the sword into it then she wondered what had made her do it. She stood up and made her way over to the fire and saw the creature was slightly burnt on one side. She turned it and then sat back to warm herself by the fire.
Just then a rustling came from behind her and she stood and turned, her hand on the sword hilt. A man came out of the bushes and looked at her. He was tall with blonde hair that looked as though it had never been brushed; it stood out on odd angles as though he had just woken up. He had the brightest green eyes with a sparkly sort of glint. They were very green eyes; like jade stones. The minute he saw she was sitting near his fire he looked towards the tree where the rucksack was. He seemed to search for the sword then he looked at her scabbard and nodded.
“How long did you wait before I left, rogue?” he asked. She tilted her head slightly to one side.
“You weren’t here when I got here.” She said. Suddenly he very quickly pulled out another blade that seemed slightly less well kept than the one Isabel had seized. She reacted automatically and tried to pull the sword out of its scabbard. After a brief struggle she managed to pull the sword out, and promptly dropped it so that it landed, handle first, on her foot. She let out a yelp and jumped back. The man who was watching all the proceedings with an amused look on his face burst out laughing.
She frowned at him and picked up the sword. This seemed to scare him for some reason but he kept a sceptical look on his face.
“Are you of the Sapphire, because if you aren’t you can’t possibly hope to win.” He said. She flicked her hair out of her eyes and his eyes widened. His sword clattered to the ground and he fell on his knees. He muttered something then stood up. She gave him an odd look and he frowned.
“What on earth was that about?” Isabel asked feeling suddenly wary of him. He sheathed his sword and stepped forward.
“You mean you don’t know?” he said. She shook her head. “You have the dragonmark. You are either Hopeus or of the bloodline of Sapphra.”
She just let her eyes widen as though insinuating he was crazy. He sighed in frustration at her narrow mindedness.
“What is a dragonmark? What is Hopeus? Who is Sapphra?” she said holding her hands out as though welcoming an answer. He rubbed the side of his forehead and she noticed for the first time that he had a jade green mark on his left temple, as bright as those eyes. They had an almost hypnotic feel about them.
“You mean to tell me you don’t know what is going on?” He asked.
She shook her head and he nodded thoughtfully. “How can you be so ignorant of it all?”
“Well, when I was younger I found that sticking my fingers in my ears and humming loudly solved a whole lot of problems. However, it also started making new problems so I had to learn to not.” She said and he gave her a look and smiled for the first time. She couldn’t help but notice that he was quite handsome in a rough sort of way. Those green eyes that twinkled when he smiled and drew her in seemed to be the main cause of this. She gave him a smile in return. He kissed his finger tip then tapped his chest with it before holding it out as a gesture of greeting.
“I am Honorria.” He said “Last of the line of Emelta, Grandson of Emilas and friend of Emalda.”
Isabel nodded a couple of times looking slightly shocked at the long introduction.
“I am Isabel.” She said. He looked at her expectantly. When she didn’t say anything else, he looked away quickly as though trying to cover his embarrassment.
“Um…” he said as though unsure what to expect next, “So your mother had the dragonmark too?”
“What is a dragon mark?” she asked getting annoyed.
“That thing on the side of your head.” He said. She touched her temple again and felt the scarring. She suddenly realised it had a very regular shape for a scar.
“Not as far as I know.” She said lowering her hand.
“How is that possible? In the sapphire it is passed from mother to daughter.”






“What is so special about it?” She said, swallowing hard.
“Well, you can preform magic, you can be friends with a Queen Dragonus, and you can wield the power of hope... probably other things if you put your mind to it.” He said. She held up a hand.
“Hold on… did you say magic? Is this some sort of joke?” she said waiting for someone to break out of the bushes laughing. However all that happened was that Honorria got more serious. She bit her tongue in case she had gone to sleep. She winced when it hurt and he suddenly looked concerned.
“Are you OK?” he asked
“Yes, I just bit my tongue.” She said. He nodded then looked thoughtful.
“Maybe we could take you to the Temple; they would be able to figure out who you are there. We could take you to the Sapphire Chamber.” He said. She considered for a moment then looked around as though searching for someone.
“What is it?” he asked pulling out his sword.
“I was just looking for your friend.” She said.
“Oh, Emalda does not dare to enter the Sapphire territory; he had a fight with a friend of these lands some years ago now.”
“Oh, so we’ll meet him on the border?” Isabel asked feeling she was beginning to understand what was going on.
“Indeed, he is waiting for me there.” He said.
“Ok, I’ll come with you; this place is ten times better then where I was before.” She said. “Who knows, this might just be some weird dream after all.”
He smiled and shook his head. Then he looked down at the creature cooking over the fire.
“Damn it, the Blaka is burnt.” He said, rushing over to the fire. She sat down and watched as he scraped away the charred bits of flesh.
“Will you teach me how to fight?” she asked. He looked up, a grin plastered on his face.
“Sure.” He said “If you let me have my sword back.”

[RodneyMcKay]

Anything at all that you want to say, please take a wack at it!

[Peter Graham]

Hello Rodney,

I'm not entirely sure what to make of this. If what you have told us in the past about your age is true, you are going to become an excellent writer one day.

There are a few issues at the moment. Firstly, I seem to recall a recent series of books in which the protagonist was a young person with a throbbing head who was abused by his family, who had to live in appalling conditions and one day discovered that he could do magic at which point his life changed and adventure came a-knocking. There are one or two similarities here...Secondly, you need to work on your narrative voice:-

[quote]
When she woke she saw she was in the middle of a field of tall wheat. Her head no longer stung but just gave a dull ache. She touched her hand to it and felt it had become rough. There were ridges as though it were now scarred. She decided she must have bumped it when she hit the ground. She stood up and looked around. She decided it was safe for her to move out of the field and try to find someone.
All around her the light was dulling slowly so she assumed it was nightfall. She saw a small group of trees and a slight glow was coming from the centre. She crept over to as silently as she could. She peered through the trees and saw a small fire surrounded with rocks in a near perfect circle around it. She crept forward and saw there was a rucksack lying on the ground near one of the trees. Then she smelt it, the most delicious smell. She saw a small animal was roasting over the fire. She crept forward cautiously. She saw a sword and shield were lying not far from the rucksack and she quickly ran over to them and secured the scabbard around her waist. She slid the sword into it then she wondered what had made her do it. She stood up and made her way over to the fire and saw the creature was slightly burnt on one side. She turned it and then sat back to warm herself by the fire.

She did this, she did that, she did the other.... Needs some variety, otherwise it starts just looking like a list, which doesn't make for very interesting reading. Try and avoid starting consecutive sentences with the same word or phrase and be prepared to use longer sentences to improve the flow.

“Sure.” He said “If you let me have my sword back.”

There is a bit of this. The grammmar needs some attention.

"Sure," he said. "If you let me have my sword back."

or

"Sure - if you let me have my sword back," he said

or better still

"Sure - if you let me have my sword back".

Full stops are the issue in this line, but elsewhere you frequently miss commas. Try reading a piece aloud to yourself. If you need to take a short pause to make sense of it, the text needs a comma.

Keep at it, though!

Regards,

Peter

[RodneyMcKay]

After intence thought and feelings I was a wondering... did you you read the prologue

Also I see where you are coming from with the whole throbbinhg head issue but really I could think of a better place to put a mark so that it is difficult to disguise.

I hope I have not distroyed your faith in my writing ability

RodneyMcKay

Better known as Miss Rodney

[Ash]

Not bad at all. An interesting beginning well told

One negative thing that stood out: In the first passage, out of 20 sentences, over half had the word "she" as the first or second word. This was very repetitive, but improved further into the piece.

One particularly positive thing for me was your dialog. It had a natural, honest feel to it.

[chrispenycate]

[/quote][quote]

Originally Posted by RodneyMcKay

Chapter 1 Introductions

A young girl pushed her way through the crowded streets. She was holding something close to her chest as though she expected someone to grab at it. She was soaked to the skin with rain and looked half-starved. Blood trickled from the wounds on the side of her head, across her chest, and in her stomach. She ran down an alley up to the Temple. She held a hand out to the wall that surrounded the great building and purple light danced around her fingers. Slowly bricks slid out from their places and she climbed the makeshift steps up and over the wall. She ran over to the nearest wing of the building and opened the door. She could see nothing inside but darkness. She was becoming steadily weaker and her head was spinning. She glanced once behind herself before plunging into the darkness of the temple. Everything was dead quiet. For a few moments, she feared they may have been killed by the Lativa Guards. Then she heard a small noise, a noise like someone coughing, to the back of the building and realized her mission wasn’t a total waste. She ran to a door at the back of the building,

repetition of "back of the building"

her breath coming more sharply now. She pushed against the door with her shoulder. After she had rested a moment she knocked. The door opened and she tumbled to the ground, dead from the many different wounds. A note fell from her hand and on it was scrawled haphazard, small writing. The scrawny youth that had opened the door bent and picked up the note. He read it quickly before his master would call for him. It had, written on it, “Find the daughter of the Sapphire and seventh friend. The last of Sapphra’s line”

there are an awful lot of short sentences in this paragraph which start "She verb"

*

Isabel sat at the table eating her dinner, being careful not to dirty the cloth. Her father glared at her. She shrank back slightly as though hoping to avoid his gaze. However, he continued to watch her like a vulture waiting for its next meal. She lifted the fork to her mouth and saw with horror a small amount of potato fall and land on her dress. She looked up and saw his face turn from white, to red and then a dark shade of scarlet.
“Filthy child! Get out of my sight! Go!” he shouted

full stop

she went to say something but he continued, “Get to bed now! You are an abomination to hygiene and manners!”

She leapt up and felt the fury boil in her. She held her breath for a second

comma?

then nodded at the dinner guests and then made her way to her room.

Her room was at the back of the house and had been constructed by her father one weekend when he was feeling useful. It was fairly well made but tended to leak in the winter and was scorching hot in the summer. The corrugated iron roof was rusty in a few spots and one of the beams was shorter

comma

giving the room a slightly tilted roof.

Isabel tossed her black hair so it fell back round her shoulders. Her dark blue eyes twinkled

to twinkle doesn't sound to me like the right verb for anger – too light

with anger and she almost stomped. She rubbed her left temple; it always stung when she wished she was elsewhere. She figured it was her body’s way of telling her to stop thinking such silly things. This time it was particularly bad and she considered taking something for it. However, she knew that would mean she would need to return to the dining room and ask her mother. Her mother would then give her look that would seem to call her a headache herself

comma

before consulting her father who would insist that it would pass soon.

She sighed and got changed into her well

hyphen?

worn pyjamas which now seemed to

too

short for her. She laid

lay

down and closed her eyes. Just as she was getting to sleep she touched the side of her head where it stung. Quite suddenly she felt a jolt, as though a volt

echnical; but a volt is a very small electrical potential, almost unfeelable

of electricity had passed through her. Then her world went completely dark and she faded out of consciousness.

*

When she woke she saw she was in the middle of a field of tall wheat. Her head no longer stung but just gave a dull ache. She touched her hand to it and felt it had become rough. There were ridges as though it were now scarred. She decided she must have bumped it when she hit the ground. She stood up and looked around. She decided it was safe for her to move out of the field and try to find someone.
All around her the light was dulling slowly

comma

so she assumed it was nightfall. She saw a small group of trees

I think there should be a comma here, or maybe "with a small glow coming"

and a slight glow was coming from the centre. She crept over to as silently as she could. She peered through the trees and saw a small fire surrounded with rocks in a near perfect circle around it.

"surrounded" and "around it" don't go well together.

She crept forward and saw there was a rucksack lying on the ground near one of the trees. Then she smelt it, the most delicious smell. She saw a small animal was roasting over the fire. She crept forward cautiously. She saw a sword and shield were lying not far from the rucksack and she quickly ran over to them and secured the scabbard around her waist. She slid the sword into it then she wondered what had made her do it. She stood up and made her way over to the fire and saw the creature was slightly burnt on one side. She turned it and then sat back to warm herself by the fire.

Just then a rustling came from behind her and she stood and turned, her hand on the sword hilt. A man came out of the bushes and looked at her. He was tall with blonde hair that looked as though it had never been brushed; it stood out on odd angles as though he had just woken up. He had the brightest green eyes with a sparkly sort of glint. They were very green eyes; like jade stones. The minute he saw she was sitting near his fire he looked towards the tree where the rucksack was. He seemed to search for the sword then he looked at her scabbard and nodded.
“How long did you wait before I left, rogue?” he asked. She tilted her head slightly to one side.
“You weren’t here when I got here.” She said. Suddenly he very quickly

the "very quickly" makes the sentence clumsy

pulled out another blade that seemed slightly less well kept than the one Isabel had seized. She reacted automatically and tried to pull the sword out of its scabbard. After a brief struggle she managed to pull the sword out,

repetition of "pull the sword out"

and promptly dropped it so that it landed, handle first, on her foot. She let out a yelp and jumped back. The man who was watching all the proceedings with an amused look on his face burst out laughing.

She frowned at him and picked up the sword. This seemed to scare him for some reason but he kept a sceptical look on his face.
“Are you of the Sapphire, because if you aren’t you can’t possibly hope to win.”

no capital "H"

He said. She flicked her hair out of her eyes and his eyes widened.

repetition of "exes"

His sword clattered to the ground and he fell on his knees. He muttered something then stood up. She gave him an odd look and he frowned.

“What on earth was that about?” Isabel asked

comma

feeling suddenly wary of him. He sheathed his sword and stepped forward.

“You mean you don’t know?” he said. She shook her head. “You have the dragonmark. You are either Hopeus or of the bloodline of Sapphra.”
She just let her eyes widen as though insinuating he was crazy. He sighed in frustration at her narrow

hyphen

mindedness.

“What is a dragonmark? What is Hopeus? Who is Sapphra?” she said

comma

holding her hands out as though welcoming an answer. He rubbed the side of his forehead and she noticed for the first time that he had a jade green mark on his left temple, as bright as those eyes. They had an almost hypnotic feel about them.

“You mean to tell me you don’t know what is going on?” He asked.
She shook her head and he nodded thoughtfully. “How can you be so ignorant of it all?”
“Well, when I was younger I found that sticking my fingers in my ears and humming loudly solved a whole lot of problems. However, it also started making new problems so I had to learn to not.” She said

comma

and he gave her a look and smiled for the first time. She couldn’t help but notice that he was quite handsome in a rough sort of way. Those green eyes that twinkled when he smiled and drew her in seemed to be the main cause of this. She gave him a smile in return. He kissed his finger tip then tapped his chest with it before holding it out as a gesture of greeting.

“I am Honorria.” He said “Last of the line of Emelta, Grandson of Emilas and friend of Emalda.”
Isabel nodded a couple of times looking slightly shocked at the long introduction.
“I am Isabel.” She said. He looked at her expectantly. When she didn’t say anything else, he looked away quickly as though trying to cover his embarrassment.
“Um…” he said

comma

as though unsure what to expect next, “So your mother had the dragonmark too?”

“What is a dragon mark?” she asked getting annoyed.
“That thing on the side of your head.” He said. She touched her temple again and felt the scarring. She suddenly realised it had a very regular shape for a scar.
“Not as far as I know.” She said

comma

lowering her hand.

“How is that possible? In the sapphire it is passed from mother to daughter.”






“What is so special about it?” She said, swallowing hard.
“Well, you can preform magic, you can be friends with a Queen Dragonus, and you can wield the power of hope... probably other things if you put your mind to it.”

no capital "H"

He said. She held up a hand.

“Hold on… did you say magic? Is this some sort of joke?” she said

comma

waiting for someone to break out of the bushes laughing. However all that happened was that Honorria got more serious. She bit her tongue in case she had gone to sleep. She winced when it hurt and he suddenly looked concerned.

“Are you OK?” he asked
“Yes, I just bit my tongue.”

no capital "S"

She said. He nodded then looked thoughtful.

“Maybe we could take you to the Temple; they would be able to figure out who you are there. We could take you to the Sapphire Chamber.” He said. She considered for a moment then looked around as though searching for someone.
“What is it?” he asked pulling out his sword.
“I was just looking for your friend.” She said.
“Oh, Emalda does not dare to enter the Sapphire territory; he had a fight with a friend of these lands some years ago now.”
“Oh, so we’ll meet him on the border?” Isabel asked

comma

feeling she was beginning to understand what was going on.

“Indeed, he is waiting for me there.” He said.
“Ok, I’ll come with you; this place is ten times better then

than

where I was before.” She said. “Who knows, this might just be some weird dream after all.”

He smiled and shook his head. Then he looked down at the creature cooking over the fire.
“Damn it, the Blaka is burnt.” He said, rushing over to the fire. She sat down and watched as he scraped away the charred bits of flesh.
“Will you teach me how to fight?” she asked. He looked up, a grin plastered on his face.
“Sure.” He said “If you let me have my sword back.”

Several more of those capital letters after quotation marks. The sentence structure is chopped very short, isn't it? From time to time I could accept a slightly more complex sentence, as variety.

[RodneyMcKay]

Thankyou all for you comments, they shall be taken on board and used.

Peace out
Miss Rodney