The Tea Room, Mk. IV

[Heretic]

*drinks ice tea while writing on theme and plot of Storm Hunter* Hm..

I'll give you a hint on my protagonist. He is in a way an anti-villain.

[mirinda]

Oh...that tells me alot.

I can never think up catchy titles for my poems....

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

Alright I have it posted-entire thing, from memory. It's only five verses, but try reading it aloud-SLOWLY. You'll catch the rhythym and flow of it. Feedback wanted, needed, welcome.

[Grimward]

*To cue the dark elemental, sends lyrics in spoken form so as not to violate TR policies*
Breath deep the gathering gloom
Watch lights fade from every room
Bedsitter people look back and lament
Another day's useless penny is spent
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one
Lonely man cries for love and has none
New mother picks up and suckles her son
Senior citizens wish they were young
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colors from our sight
Red

[Grimward]

*To cue the dark elemental, sends lyrics in spoken form so as not to violate TR policies*
Breath deep the gathering gloom
Watch lights fade from every room
Bedsitter people look back and lament
Another day's useless penny is spent
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one
Lonely man cries for love and has none
New mother picks up and suckles her son
Senior citizens wish they were young
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colors from our sight
Red is gray and yellow white
But we decide which is right
And which is an illusion


EDIT: Blasted tiny sub-laptop keyboard...it posted twice on me!

[Grimward]

----OK, late I am. Headed to poems.----

[mirinda]

You could have posted that in poems too.

[Grimward]

----Something jangled a bit, but it took me a few minutes to put my finger on it. The first 2 lines of the second stanza:

"Walk the road of hellish dreams
No one there to hear your screams..."

The rest of the poem (on one level) is spent fighting sleep...humbly suggest:

"Stave off the road of hellish dreams
Where no one's there to hear your screams..."

Otherwise, very dark, and a stark flip side to NIWS' epilogue, indeed! Good job----



EDIT: Agreed, Mir, but since it started here, came back to tie up loose end.

[mirinda]

*sigh* That advice should really be left IN critiques. People here won't appreciate it clogging up the tearoom. Believe me I know.

[Heretic]

Speaking of tea...
*switches iced tea to green tea*

Ah, nothing better than drinking bitter green tea with omeboshe (sour pickled plum)

[Karn Maeshalanadae]

As for that part, your suggestion breaks the rhythym of the poem. Besides, it's to describe what happened when he DID hit sleep. You have to understand, insomniacs DO sleep occasionally-out of sheer fatigue-and you have to visualize a man who's so scared of dreams that when he does sleep, that's what happens to him. He immediately awoke, screaming from his dark nightmare.

[mirinda]

Green tea. blech.

Hey do we have any cookies hidden around here Karn?

[Heretic]

Cookies? Does it go along with roasted fey? Wait, did I say fey? Err...I meant hay! Yeah, does the cookies go along with a side dish of hay!

Blast, I must not let them know about my sinister side, which comes out every other night!

[Grimward]

----All right, poetry critiques left in poetry section from now on. With just the 4 of us here and sir Heretic not complaining, didn't see how folks would mind, but you've been here longer and would know, Mir----

----Just the way I saw it, Karn. Again, a good effort. ----

[Grimward]

----I'd say there might be some of the chocolate I left for Juken from Easter, but then I know better! *Waves to rafters* Hi Juken!