idea i've been working on

[asher marquering]

hi there i haven't posted in a while heres an idea i've been working on

i know a lot of you will probably say i should expand the beggining but the story isn't actually about that the story starts where this piece actually ends

anyway please critique

The dim light reflected from a sweat droplet on Theodoros’ ash blond hair. The blue-purple steaks in his hair as well as his blue-purple eyebrows were an indication of his half-lunar blood. He could hear his heart pounding in his chest. His heavy breathing echoed in the great hall. The smell of blood and sweat filled the air. His body was in extraordinary pain from the repeated force and extreme temperatures that the demons magic and pincers had caused.

He could barely stand. When this all started he was a knight, a young gifted knight. He led the Bahram army on most of its campaigns against the monsters that threatened the people of Bahram. Just looking at him with his 1.7m height and 53kg weight you would not expect much from him but he was the son of the legendary lunar king Seissylt and his human queen Rosah. They and 10 of there friends defeated the demon Zeru before Seissylt was made king and before Theodoros was born.

That was more than seventeen years ago. In that time, reconstruction overcame the destruction Zeru brought to the world, the moons returned to their normal orbits and Theodoros grew into the young man he was. He was adept at his mother’s archery and magic as well as both of his father’s sword styles: the crusader and the demonic styles. He developed his own style incorporating both his father’s styles as well as his own finesse with a blade he named it the crusading demon.

Priests warned him about drawing strength from both sides of the soul but he paid no attention. After all, his mother’s magic, kept him on the side of light. As a result, he became extremely powerful, powerful enough to lead his father’s armies into battle. However, that seemed like a lifetime ago now, a lifetime that would surely end soon. Zeru had returned he had killed his parents’ friends and put a spell on his parents’ that if they left Bahram they began to wither, so Theodoros took it upon himself to find and defeat Zeru.

In his first battle against Zeru he lead the Bahram army against the demon, the demon triumphed and wiped the army out Theodoros barely escaped with his life. At the memorial surface for all those that had died Theodoros disappeared taking with him his swords, his quiver of arrows, his bow and his elite squadron, they would make a surgical strike on Zeru. His elite unit consisted of himself acting as an archer, a swordsman and a wizard of light, a female assassin named Celia and a male bard named Maeleachlainn.

There was also a female berserker named Laima, a male wizard of darkness named Paolino, a female wizard of monster magic named Quirina and a male chemist named Raghu. Lastly, there was a female dancer named Mary, a male spearman named Richard and a female swordswoman named Fernanda. He could use anyone of his squads’ help now. He wondered how many strikes Zeru could still withstand. The battle had dragged on for a while and Zeru seemed to be getting desperate.

Zeru resembled a human with ripped off skin; you could see his bloody muscles and bones directly. He had a pair of wings in a similar state to body as well as two large pincers where his arms should have been. Despite this damaged look Theodoros remembered that he looked the very same when they started the battle when his squad was still moving, now, their motionless bodies lay strewn across the great hall floor.

He looked to his left, there laid Maeleachlainn, the two of them had come a long way, although he never said it, Theodoros thought of him as a little brother, he looked to his right there lay Celia he had come to love her. He wondered if he would ever get to tell them how he felt in the after life. He regretted that he could never tell them how he felt when he had the chance. With rage filling his mind, he used the last of his energy and charged at Zeru.

The swords shone as he swung them at Zeru, to Theodoros amazement the swords sliced through their target.
Zeru shouted, “I will not be defeated again.”
As he said that, Theodoros’ world went black.
After a few moments, Theodoros saw a beautiful blue sky with puffy white clouds, he searched the sky, it was strange he could not see one moon, you could always see at least one moon from his world and then he heard someone asked him.

“Hey there, you awake lad?”
Theodoros asked, “Am I dead?”
The man replied, sounding very uncertain, “No I don’t think so lad…”
Theodoros asked, “Where am I?”
The man smiled, “That is a good question, but I’m afraid I don’t know the answer, we definitely not on my world lad.”

Theodoros sat up and looked at the man, he seemed to be at least King Seissylt's age
The man continued, “My name is Abban, and you see well… I just woke up a few moments ago too lad.”
Theodoros looked around, “That’s a bit of a problem.”
Abban agreed, “Yes I assure you it is quite a problem lad.”

However, Theodoros did not hear the man
Zeru is here… Somewhere on this world... I can feel him

[chrispenycate]

[/quote][quote]

Originally Posted by asher marquering

hi there i haven't posted in a while heres an idea i've been working on

i know a lot of you will probably say i should expand the beggining but the story isn't actually about that the story starts where this piece actually ends

anyway please critique

The dim light reflected from a sweat droplet on Theodoros’ ash blond hair. The blue-purple steaks

please tell me this is a typo for "streaks". I've been known to carry spare soup in my moustache, but…

in his hair as well as his blue-purple eyebrows were an indication of his half-lunar blood. He could hear his heart pounding in his chest. His heavy breathing echoed in the great hall. The smell of blood and sweat filled the air. His body was in extraordinary pain from the repeated force and extreme temperatures that the demons

demon's (or possibly "demons'")

magic and pincers had caused.

He could barely stand. When this all

had, and possibly "he had been"

started he was a knight, a young gifted knight. He led the Bahram army on most of its campaigns against the monsters that threatened the people of Bahram. Just looking at him with his 1.7m height and 53kg weight you would not expect much from him but he was the son of the legendary lunar king Seissylt and his human queen Rosah. They and 10 of there

their

friends

had

defeated the demon Zeru before Seissylt was made king and before Theodoros was born.

That was more than seventeen years ago. In that time, reconstruction overcame the destruction Zeru brought to the world, the moons returned to their normal orbits and Theodoros grew into the young man he was. He was adept at his mother’s archery and magic as well as both of his father’s sword styles: the crusader and the demonic styles. He developed his own style incorporating both his father’s styles as well as his own finesse with a blade he named

withou the "it"

it the crusading demon.

Priests warned him about drawing strength from both sides of the soul but he paid no attention. After all,

no comma

his mother’s magic,

no comma

kept him on the side of light. As a result, he became extremely powerful,

semicolon

powerful enough to lead his father’s armies into battle. However, that seemed like a lifetime ago now, a lifetime that would surely end soon. Zeru had returned

period

he had killed his parents’ friends and put a spell on his parents’

no apostrophe, and perhaps a "so"

that if they left Bahram they began to wither, so Theodoros took it upon himself to find and defeat Zeru.

In his first battle against Zeru he lead the Bahram army against the demon, the demon triumphed and wiped the army out

period

Theodoros barely escaped with his life. At the memorial surface

sevice?

for all those that had died Theodoros disappeared taking with him his swords, his quiver of arrows, his bow and his elite squadron,

period (or semicolon

they would make a surgical strike on Zeru. His elite unit consisted of himself

comma

acting as an archer, a swordsman and a wizard of light, a female assassin named Celia and a male bard named Maeleachlainn.

There was also a female berserker named Laima, a male wizard of darkness named Paolino, a female wizard of monster magic named Quirina and a male chemist named Raghu. Lastly, there was a female dancer named Mary, a male spearman named Richard and a female swordswoman named Fernanda. He could use anyone of his squads’

I think that's "squad's

help now. He wondered how many strikes Zeru could still withstand. The battle had dragged on for a while and Zeru seemed to be getting desperate.

Zeru resembled a human with ripped off skin; you could see his bloody muscles and bones directly. He had a pair of wings in a similar state to body as well as two large pincers where his arms should have been. Despite this damaged look Theodoros remembered that he looked the very same when they started the battle when his squad was still moving,

semicolon

now, their motionless bodies lay strewn across the great hall floor.

He looked to his left, there laid Maeleachlainn,

semicolon

the two of them had come a long way

and?

, although he never said it, Theodoros thought of him as a little brother, he looked to his right there lay Celia he had come to love her. He wondered if he would ever get to tell them how he felt in the after life. He regretted that he could never tell them how he felt when he had the chance. With rage filling his mind, he used the last of his energy and charged at Zeru.

The swords shone as he swung them at Zeru,

period

to Theodoros

Theodoros'

amazement the swords sliced through their target.

Zeru shouted, “I will not be defeated again.”
As he said that, Theodoros’ world went black.
After a few moments, Theodoros saw a beautiful blue sky with puffy white clouds,

period

he searched the sky, it was strange he could not see one moon, you could always see at least one moon from his world and then he heard someone asked

ask

him.

“Hey there, you awake lad?”
Theodoros asked, “Am I dead?”
The man replied, sounding very uncertain, “No I don’t think so lad…”
Theodoros asked, “Where am I?”
The man smiled, “That is a good question, but I’m afraid I don’t know the answer, we definitely not on my world lad.”

Theodoros sat up and looked at the man, he

perhaps "who" rather than "he"

seemed to be at least King Seissylt's age

The man continued, “My name is Abban, and you see well… I just woke up a few moments ago too

comma

lad.”

Theodoros looked around, “That’s a bit of a problem.”
Abban agreed, “Yes I assure you it is quite a problem lad.”

However, Theodoros did not hear the man
Zeru is here… Somewhere on this world... I can feel him

[pyan]

His elite unit consisted of himself acting as an archer, a swordsman and a wizard of light, a female assassin named Celia and a male bard named Maeleachlainn.

There was also a female berserker named Laima, a male wizard of darkness named Paolino, a female wizard of monster magic named Quirina and a male chemist named Raghu. Lastly, there was a female dancer named Mary, a male spearman named Richard and a female swordswoman named Fernanda.

You may like to tell us a wee bit more about all these people, AM - at the moment it reads a bit like a RPG roll-call. And are you going to ever use them for anything? If not, are they really necessary?