Tosaran Stedarson

[svalbard]

I have being absent for a while form these boards. Here is a piece that is under heavy debate at the moment.There is a massive info dump in this excerpt and it is deliberate. Does it work? The first sentence in the excerpt is a continuation of a previous description if there are any questions about the meaning of it.

The swirling silver sheen of the tower reflected in the Dhou's eyes, though the distance was many miles. Recognizing both the tower, the Dhou sent forth it’s song to ensure the safety of the landing site. The clarion call reverberated across the sky drawing every eye upwards. Peasants working the fields and hunters in the woods around the tower were drawn to the sky, eyes searching for the bird camouflaged by it’s coloring. At the tower the guardian that was in residence came awake with a start. A piercing shriek to many, the call of the Dhou was music to the ears of the guardian.

He arose from his bed and did not move, waiting for the song to again sound. He held his breath for a moment, and then it sounded again filling his mind and heart with the sweet ache of an unrequited love. He made his way swiftly to the towers summit sending a sentry to the Legate to warn him of the Dhous arrival. The guardian paused at the doorway leading out to the tower platform and silently observed the Dhou devour its meal.

Primordial, was the word that came to the guardian’s mind as he looked upon the Dhou. The creature was the last living vestige of an ancient time of dragons and when men scraped a living by eating the roots from the ground. When the Dhou had finished its meal of mole and rabbit the guardian walked out on to the platform and began to sing in a low lilting voice. It was a melody of greeting. The translucent bird responded at once, the sound striking the guardian to his very core and unbeknown to him a tear slipped from his eye to run down his cheek. Caught up in the rapture of the Dhou’s voice the guardian began to write out the message. Finally finished, the guardian trilled out a thanks before retreating to his quarters to translate the missive in to the King’s Janterian.

Seated in his offices Tosaran Stedarsson, Legate of the Conerax division and Governor of the Far- Eastern Marches of Janter, contemplated the arrival of the Dhou as he awaited its news. He was perplexed at this for the very simple reason that it was unusual to receive a Dhou from the palace more than twice in a season, but this was third in the space of a month. He had sent for Jor Atkir, commander of the 3rd Conerax brigade and a man in whom Tosaran placed his trust and council. There was a knock at the door and his secretary entered with a sealed scroll. Taking the missive Tosaran dismissed the man and waited for him to leave before breaking the seal and reading the words within. Tosaran sat for long moments afterwards lost in his thoughts and he did not notice the short, powerful figure Jor Atkir enter the room.

“Good news?” Jor said his voice cracked and hoarse from a lifetime of bawling out battlefield orders.
“Depends?” Tosaran replied handing over the scroll. Jor took a while longer than Tosaran to read through the note his face screwed up in concentration.
Tosaran continued to speak as Jor read.
“There are three matters that should concern us and in those three there is a wealth of differing conclusions to consider. For one it seems that King Swegn of Kalnordia has been overthrown and slain. Secondly I am to levy the Burgundians for another ten thousand cavalry, and thirdly the King bids me to raise a fourth Conerax brigade,” he said, his eyes moving to the large ornate map of Northern-Zard that dominated the far wall of the room. It was a map that Tosaran had commissioned at no small cost from the most celebrated cartographer in Dalaria.

Jor Atkir had finished reading and his hands were balled in to fists as he sat in silent anger. The news from Kalnordia was the cause of this as the blood of the north lands ran in his veins through his mother. Although he had never visited that ice covered land he had grown up listening to tales from his mother about heroes from the Kalnordian past. Sagas of Olvir ‘Dragonslayer’, Rasmus ‘Bonecrusher’ to Olaf ‘Stormrider’ had left the youthful Jor Atkir with a hunger for the life of a warrior and the Kalnordian way of living. To Jor, Swegn had been the last living embodiment of those heroes from yesteryear.

Rising from his seat Tosaran moved to the map breaking Jor’s introspective and drawing his own attention to the canvass.
The map was dominated by the mighty Dragons Teeth Mountains as they split the continent and separated the Kingdom of Janter from the enigmatic Empire of the Dakars. To the south and west lay the debatable lands of the City-States, with the rich and powerful trading city of Ralt acting as their bulwark on the western seaboard. North of Dogemaar, the map showed the Dukedom of Weshna, long the lands held by the heir to the throne of Janter and Tosaran could see the reason for that. Weshna was in Outer-Janter and by tying it directly to the crown, the kings at Nanter ensured that they kept a sound eye over the other Outer-Janterian magnates. That was all aided now by the Conerax and the garrison at Coneraxia. The map showed that all roads in the east led to Coneraxia, but further on from there towards the Dragons Teeth no roads went. It marked out all the counties and Dukedoms of Outer-Janter in glorious detail and as it swept northwards beyond Coneraxia, it showed the Steegel highlands, homeland to the Burgundians one time scourge of all civilized peoples, but now tamed by the Conerax and Janterian gold.

West of the Steegels were the lowlands of the Hes-Jarian tribes and the map showed a number of towns as the Hes peoples of this area began to give up there nomadic traditions to take on the Janterian way of life. The broad sweep of the Callin River with its source in the Dragons Teeth cut through the land dividing the Hes-Jarians from their wilder cousins in the north, the Heskarians, until it entered the sea at the port of Catar.
Empty steppes and wild tundra were the abode of the numerous Heskarian tribes and here the cartographer had left the map blank for much of this country was unknown. North of the Heskarians the towering Kredovar Mountains rose up acting as a protective wall for the Kalnordians from the Heskarians.

“Well what do you make of it?” asked Tosaran.
“We are told to raise a total of fifteen thousand men. That is going to be an expensive task and so can only mean one thing, war!” Jor replied, his grey bushy eyebrows bunched together.
“I agree but where. The King can hardly mean to invade Kalnordia as cavalry will be all but useless in that terrain and one brigade would not even gain us a toe hold on that benighted land,” Tosaran said.
Jor continued to look at the map and his heart began to fall.
“The City-States?” he asked.
Tosaran shook his head.
“It is a possibility but I do not think so. Greb Jordan and Alward Steward have anywhere up to thirty thousand men in the field at the moment and that should be enough to deal with Hredegaard,” Tosaran said, his mind going back six years to the last time the Conerax had fought in the City-States at the fall of Dogemaar. It was a memory that he rarely visited now and he hoped never to take part in a fight like it again. It had taken the Conerax two years to recover their strength and fighting spirit after that day.

For his part Jor was also lost in the memories of the screaming and blood of the shield wall at Dogemaar. After all these years he still awoke in a sweat from the nightmares of that battle. In over thirty years of soldiering he had never encountered savagery such as he had witnessed on that bloody ground. Thousands had fallen in the desperate struggle and towards the end they had been fighting standing on a ground that was carpeted with the felled, both alive and dead. Prince Thrand had brought fifty thousand men to battle and less than half had lived to tell the tale, an unusual casualty rate in any conflict. Jor still had visions of the massive funeral pyres as they had burned the dead for days afterwards, he would never forget that stench.

“What about Ralt?” he asked.
“No. They will stay out of any fight at Hredegaard. They have too much at stake to get involved. So even Jordan and Steward should be able to manage Hredegaard alone,” Tosaran replied.
Like Jor, Tosaran had no wish to return to the City-States. It was not that he did not mind losing men in battle. War was war, men died and Tosaran excelled at killing. It was the politics of dealing with men like Alward Steward that he detested and so he was quiet happy to leave the City-States war to others.
“That leaves Heskaria and the possibility that they are planning to rebel again,” Tosaran said.
“I have to agree,” Jor said not exactly enthused at the prospect.
Tosaran catching Jor’s tone understood the man’s reticence. Heavy infantry fighting on the open steppes against hordes of horse archers and lancers was not a clever tactic and that was surely the reason for the ten thousand Burgundian cavalry. Add them to the Conerax and you had a very formidable force. Looking at his veteran companion Tosaran did not doubt his courage or ability for a moment. Jor would shoulder his kit like the others and lead his men north with alacrity and come the day of the crow he would do his duty with his usual ruthlessness and efficiency.
“What have you heard from the north?” asked Jor.
“That the Heskarians will choose a new High-King soon and that he will not be an adherent to Janter. He is a young chieftain by the name of Vadym, called the ‘Dog’ for his absolute viciousness. This Vadym has been building up support and his reputation ever since he slaughtered his way to the rule of his clan and the spies report that he dreams of empire,” Tosaran related.
“That is just dandy. Another Heskarian fanatic to follow in a long line of other nutters. We should wipe them out this time and save ourselves the bother of another revolt five years from now,” Jor growled.
“This time we might just do that,” Tosaran replied.

[chrispenycate]

[/quote][quote]

Originally Posted by svalbard

I have being absent for a while form these boards. Here is a piece that is under heavy debate at the moment.There is a massive info dump in this excerpt and it is deliberate. Does it work? The first sentence in the excerpt is a continuation of a previous description if there are any questions about the meaning of it.

The swirling silver sheen of the tower reflected in the Dhou's eyes, though the distance was many miles. Recognizing both the tower,

both the tower and what?

the Dhou sent forth it’s

its

song to ensure the safety of the landing site. The clarion call reverberated across the sky drawing every eye upwards. Peasants working the fields and hunters in the woods around the tower were drawn to the sky, eyes searching for the bird camouflaged by it’s coloring. At the tower the guardian that was

who was? Or possibly leave it out
(the guardian in residence?

in residence came awake with a start. A piercing shriek to many, the call of the Dhou was music to the ears of the guardian.

He arose from his bed and did not move, waiting for the song to again sound.

split infinite. And you've repeated the "sound again" words

He held his breath for a moment, and then it sounded again

comma

filling his mind and heart with the sweet ache of an unrequited love. He made his way swiftly to the towers

tower's, and a comma after "summit"

summit sending a sentry to the Legate to warn him of the Dhous

Dhou's

arrival. The guardian paused at the doorway leading out to the tower platform and silently observed the Dhou devour its meal.

Primordial, was the word that came to the guardian’s mind as he looked upon the Dhou. The creature was the last living vestige of an ancient time of dragons and

without the "and'?

when men scraped a living by eating the roots from the ground. When the Dhou had finished its meal of mole and rabbit the guardian walked out on to the platform and began to sing in a low lilting voice. It was a melody of greeting. The translucent bird responded at once, the sound striking the guardian to his very core and

comma

unbeknown to him

comma

a tear slipped from his eye to run down his cheek. Caught up in the rapture of the Dhou’s voice the guardian began to write out the message. Finally finished, the guardian trilled out a thanks before retreating to his quarters to translate the missive in to the King’s Janterian.

Seated in his offices Tosaran Stedarsson, Legate of the Conerax division and Governor of the Far- Eastern Marches of Janter, contemplated the arrival of the Dhou as he awaited its news. He was perplexed at this for the very simple reason that it was unusual to receive a Dhou from the palace more than twice in a season, but this was third in the space of a month. He had sent for Jor Atkir, commander of the 3rd Conerax brigade and a man in whom Tosaran placed his trust and council. There was a knock at the door and his secretary entered with a sealed scroll. Taking the missive Tosaran dismissed the man and waited for him to leave before breaking the seal and reading the words within. Tosaran sat for long moments afterwards lost in his thoughts and he did not notice the short, powerful figure Jor Atkir enter the room.

“Good news?” Jor said

comma

his voice cracked and hoarse from a lifetime of bawling out battlefield orders.
“Depends?” Tosaran replied handing over the scroll. Jor took a while longer than Tosaran to read through the note his face screwed up in concentration.
Tosaran continued to speak as Jor read.
“There are three matters that should concern us and

comma

in those three

comma

there is a wealth of differing conclusions to consider. For one it seems that King Swegn of Kalnordia has been overthrown and slain. Secondly I am to levy the Burgundians for another ten thousand cavalry, and thirdly the King bids me to raise a fourth Conerax brigade,” he said, his eyes moving to the large ornate map of Northern-Zard that dominated the far wall of the room. It was a map that Tosaran had commissioned at no small cost from the most celebrated cartographer in Dalaria.

Jor Atkir had finished reading and his hands were balled in to fists as he sat in silent anger. The news from Kalnordia was the cause of this as the blood of the north lands ran in his veins through his mother. Although he had never visited that ice covered land he had grown up listening to tales from his mother about heroes from the Kalnordian past. Sagas of Olvir ‘Dragonslayer’, Rasmus ‘Bonecrusher’ to Olaf ‘Stormrider’ had left the youthful Jor Atkir with a hunger for the life of a warrior and the Kalnordian way of living. To Jor, Swegn had been the last living embodiment of those heroes from yesteryear.

Rising from his seat Tosaran moved to the map

comma

breaking Jor’s introspective

introspection?

and drawing his own attention to the canvass.
The map was dominated by the mighty Dragons

I know, proper name, but wouldn't it be "Dragon's Teeth"?

Teeth Mountains as they split the continent and separated the Kingdom of Janter from the enigmatic Empire of the Dakars. To the south and west lay the debatable lands of the City-States, with the rich and powerful trading city of Ralt acting as their bulwark on the western seaboard. North of Dogemaar, the map showed the Dukedom of Weshna, long the lands held by the heir to the throne of Janter and Tosaran could see the reason for that. Weshna was in Outer-Janter and by tying it directly to the crown, the kings at Nanter ensured that they kept a sound eye over the other Outer-Janterian magnates. That was all aided now by the Conerax and the garrison at Coneraxia. The map showed that all roads in the east led to Coneraxia, but further on from there

comma

towards the Dragons Teeth no roads went. It marked out all the counties and Dukedoms of Outer-Janter in glorious detail and as it swept northwards beyond Coneraxia, it showed the Steegel highlands, homeland to the Burgundians

comma

one time scourge of all civilized peoples, but now tamed by the Conerax and Janterian gold.

West of the Steegels were the lowlands of the Hes-Jarian tribes and the map showed a number of towns as the Hes peoples of this area began to give up there

their

nomadic traditions to take on the Janterian way of life. The broad sweep of the Callin River with its source in the Dragons Teeth cut through the land dividing the Hes-Jarians from their wilder cousins in the north, the Heskarians, until it entered the sea at the port of Catar.
Empty steppes and wild tundra were the abode of the numerous Heskarian tribes and here the cartographer had left the map blank

comma

for much of this country was unknown. North of the Heskarians the towering Kredovar Mountains rose up acting as a protective wall for the Kalnordians from the Heskarians.

“Well what do you make of it?” asked Tosaran.
“We are told to raise a total of fifteen thousand men. That is going to be an expensive task and so can only mean one thing, war!” Jor replied, his grey bushy eyebrows bunched together.
“I agree

comma

but where. The King can hardly mean to invade Kalnordia

comma

as cavalry will be all but useless in that terrain and one brigade would not even gain us a toe hold on that benighted land,” Tosaran said.
Jor continued to look at the map and his heart began to fall.
“The City-States?” he asked.
Tosaran shook his head.
“It is a possibility but I do not think so. Greb Jordan and Alward Steward have anywhere up to thirty thousand men in the field at the moment and that should be enough to deal with Hredegaard,” Tosaran said, his mind going back six years to the last time the Conerax had fought in the City-States at the fall of Dogemaar. It was a memory that he rarely visited now and he hoped never to take part in a fight like it again. It had taken the Conerax two years to recover their strength and fighting spirit after that day.

For his part Jor was also lost in the memories of the screaming and blood of the shield wall at Dogemaar. After all these years he still awoke in a sweat from the nightmares of that battle. In over thirty years of soldiering he had never encountered savagery such as he had witnessed on that bloody ground. Thousands had fallen in the desperate struggle and towards the end they had been fighting standing on a ground that was

Do you really need the "a" before "ground" or, for that matter, the "that was"?

carpeted with the felled, both alive and dead. Prince Thrand had brought fifty thousand men to battle and less than half had lived to tell the tale, an unusual casualty rate in any conflict. Jor still had visions of the massive funeral pyres as they had burned the dead for days afterwards,

semicolon?

he would never forget that stench.

“What about Ralt?” he asked.
“No. They will stay out of any fight at Hredegaard. They have too much at stake to get involved. So even Jordan and Steward should be able to manage Hredegaard alone,” Tosaran replied.
Like Jor, Tosaran had no wish to return to the City-States. It was not that he did not mind

is that not the opposite of what you were attempting to cover?

losing men in battle. War was war, men died and Tosaran excelled at killing. It was the politics of dealing with men like Alward Steward that he detested and so he was quiet happy to leave the City-States war to others.
“That leaves Heskaria and the possibility that they are planning to rebel again,” Tosaran said.
“I have to agree,” Jor said

comma

not exactly enthused at the prospect.
Tosaran

comma

catching Jor’s tone

comma

understood the man’s reticence. Heavy infantry fighting on the open steppes against hordes of horse archers and lancers was not a clever tactic and that was surely the reason for the ten thousand Burgundian cavalry. Add them to the Conerax and you had a very formidable force. Looking at his veteran companion Tosaran did not doubt his courage or ability for a moment. Jor would shoulder his kit like the others and lead his men north with alacrity and come the day of the crow he would do his duty with his usual ruthlessness and efficiency.
“What have you heard from the north?” asked Jor.
“That the Heskarians will choose a new High-King soon and that he will not be an adherent to Janter. He is a young chieftain by the name of Vadym, called the ‘Dog’ for his absolute viciousness. This Vadym has been building up support and his reputation ever since he slaughtered his way to the rule of his clan and the spies report that he dreams of empire,” Tosaran related.
“That is just dandy. Another Heskarian fanatic to follow in a long line of other nutters. We should wipe them out this time and save ourselves the bother of another revolt five years from now,” Jor growled.
“This time we might just do that,” Tosaran replied.

There are quite a few other places where commas would make ideas clearer and, in a block as information-rich as this, knowing where a particular concept comes to and end can be critical for comprehension.

[Saruke]

Ok I know I'm probably gonna come off like a jerk but it took me a while to get the first few words.

"Swirling silver sheen"? When I read that I was like "WOAH! Too much alliteration man!" the following is not just my opinion but stone cold fact, aside from a poem the only other place alliteration can be used is in a comedic setting because it automatically lightens the mood and if you try to use it in any sort of serious context it will only cheapen a good piece of writing.

Once my head has stopped spinning I'll read more and give your piece the attention it deserves but until then...

SARUKE AWAY! WHOOSH!

[chopper]

wow, i see what you mean by an info-dump, but don't worry, it does work, i think. my sense of this is that it is an intorductory chapter more than owt else. it certainly sets the scene well.

[svalbard]

Thanks Chris. I should really have tidied it up some more before posting, but I was caught for time. Lesson learned.

Never noticed that Saruke. Good spot.

Chopper,
It is more of an interlude than an introduction. A sort of bringing all the pieces together before the third part of the book. Or even a re-cap.