Excerpt - Untitled Dark Fantasy

[Culhwch]

This is actually the last thing of any decent length or quality I wrote. I've been having trouble getting anything out for about a month or so now. I've done little bits of world-building here and there, but nothing major - whenever I contemplate writing, or even start thinking about storylines and such my head starts swimming. I've never experienced anything like it. Hopefully it'll pass. Which brings me to this excerpt... This is a story that came to me suddenly about two months ago, and I did a burst of background writing and started this first chapter. I thought I'd post it here with the hope it might inspire me to get back into it. As such, any thoughts, impressions, suggestions or words of encouragement are more than welcome.

I

A quiet rain fell on the Square of Four Gods, muting sound and colour and leaving the folk who’d gathered there huddled beneath oilskins and heavy wool. The drizzle had begun at dawn and persisted throughout the morning, doing a good job of keeping people away. There was still a sizeable crowd watching the proceedings from behind the temporary wooden barricades manned by the Autarch’s men, but it was nothing like the numbers that would turn out on a trial day in fair weather. Belias was thankful for that. It would make their task that much easier.

The square was the largest in the city of Ran Ithor, a broad, open expanse of ironstone flags where five main thoroughfares met. The Autarch’s palace was only a short walk away, as was the city’s gaol. A number of prominent guilds had their halls here, and no fewer than seven temples overlooked the square. It took its name from the four great statues that dominated the space, one at each point of the compass. To the east stood proud Avane, the all-seeing god of justice. To the west was stooped Telanis, god of fate. To the north was the radiant Neritha, the Lady of Light, goddess of life. And to the south stood the cowled Nerisis, Lady of Shades, goddess of death. It was under their knowing gaze that the cityfolk gathered once a week to settle disputes and to judge those who had broken the laws of gods and men.

A paler patch of cloud in the heavy sky marked the sun’s position, only now lowering towards the statue of Telanis. The minor disputes had begun shortly after the great clock atop the Artificers’ guildhall struck the third morning bell, and were now all but settled. Out in the centre of the square, in the open space beyond the barricades, a magister was announcing the final trial of the day. The claimant had accused another man – his business partner, it seemed – of cheating him out of a sizeable amount of money. As the magister laid out the charges, the accuser and the defendant prepared themselves. In this part of the Empire trial by combat was very much still the vogue, and in Ran Ithor the favoured method was the shilling-duel. The accuser had donned a studded leather jerkin and was being handed a finely crafted rapier by a young boy whose looks betrayed him as the man’s son. The defendant was similarly garbed, but armed himself with a plain-looking blade that he sliced through the air twice in practice. The accuser knelt piously before the statue of Avane and mouthed a short prayer; the defendant looked to the crowd, winked at someone hidden from Belias’s view, and then flicked a salute toward the Lady of Shades. The crowd laughed at the touch. The shilling-duels were by law and custom never fatal, and the man’s sardonic gesture seemed to have won him some support.

The magister held up his hand, and the crowd quietened once more. Between forefinger and thumb the robed official held what would be the focus of the duel – a freshly-minted Imperial Shilling. Even through the veil of rain, Belias could make out the shine of the polished silver. On one side, he knew, would be the profile of the Undying Emperor, on the other the Imperial Seal. Accuser and accused stood forty feet apart, with the magister halfway between them; both fixed their gaze on the coin. The magister looked to each man. Seeing they were ready, he dropped the shilling to the ground and backed hastily away. The men were advancing before the sound of the coin hitting the flagstones had rang out across the square. Whoever grasped the shilling first would be adjudged the winner, and neither man wasted any time in trying to lay their hands on it. As it was they both arrived simultaneously. Steel met steel, and the duel was on.

‘Stop fidgeting,’ came a quiet voice from beside Belias. His hand had gone to the leather strap around his neck, and he had been unconsciously rubbing the trinket that hung there. With a guilty start, he dropped his hand back to his side.

‘I didn’t see you come up,’ Belias said.

‘Yes, well I’m not a great clodhopper like you, am I?’ The newcomer was a good head and a half shorter then Belias, and was dressed in a sleeveless hooded tunic worn over a plain woollen shirt and hose. Boots of good leather came to her knees, and a satchel was slung over one shoulder and across her chest. She didn’t look up at Belias; her gaze, like everyone else’s, was on the duel out in the centre of the square. ‘And try not to look so conspicuous. Here, I got you these.’

Still without turning to face him, she passed across four circlets – two of wood, one of brass, and one of copper. Each was etched with a string of words and religious symbols. Belias fingered them, uncertain. ‘Prayer rings?’

‘You must be the only person in the city who isn’t wearing any.’ She shook her own wrist, where a number of metal bands jangled. ‘See? They won’t kill you.’

Belias hastily pushed the rings over his hands and onto his wrists. They sat heavily, the unaccustomed weight an odd sensation. He let his gaze drift back to the duel, occasionally toying with the bands in a vain attempt to get them to sit more comfortably. Every now and then he’d sneak a glance at the figure beside him.

Finally, the girl sighed. ‘What is it, Belias?’

The words tumbled out in a rush. ‘Are you sure this is a good idea, Sabine? I mean, you’ve never even tried to­—‘

‘We have no choice, brother. You know that.’ Sabine finally looked up at him. Her face was pale – not from fear or nervousness but the powder she had brushed on, in the fashion of Ithoran women. A deep blue lined her eyes and striped her chin. Still, Belias could see the determination in the set of her mouth, the focus in her grey-green eyes. ‘Do not fret so, Belias. You play your part. I will worry about mine.’

Belias nodded. ‘And if we fail?’

‘Then we fail and it is done.’ She gave him a smile, then. ‘But we will not fail. It is not our destiny.’

‘You are so sure?’

‘Always.’ Sabine reached out and gave his hand a squeeze. ‘Now prepare yourself. The moment draws near.’ With that she was gone again, lost in the crowd.

[Stormpirate]

The men were advancing before the sound of the coin hitting the flagstones had rang out across the square.

It might sound better as "...the sound of the coin hitting the flagstones rang out across the square." The tense is a bit odd with had rang.

Interesting beginning, though. It definitely draws me in, and I want to know what Belias and Sabine have planned.

[Teresa Edgerton]

I think this is wonderful. Even though it starts out with a lot of information it really works for me, promising a fully realized world that I would enjoy exploring. The writing is vivid, it's an interesting setup (if I could just turn that darn page and find out what happens next ...), and I only have one quibble.

It's the distancing effect of all those passive sentences with the verb "to be." I feel like the omniscient narrator has taken an extra step backwards and that everything he observes has been slowed down just a little.

Not a big problem, but if you fixed it, I think the writing would be a little more lively and a little more polished. It would take what is already very good to the next level.

For example:

The square was the largest in the city of Ran Ithor, a broad, open expanse of ironstone flags where five main thoroughfares met. The Autarch’s palace was only a short walk away, as was the city’s gaol. A number of prominent guilds had their halls here, and no fewer than seven temples overlooked the square. It took its name from the four great statues that dominated the space, one at each point of the compass. To the east stood proud Avane, the all-seeing god of justice. To the west was stooped Telanis, god of fate. To the north was the radiant Neritha, the Lady of Light, goddess of life. And to the south stood the cowled Nerisis, Lady of Shades, goddess of death. It was under their knowing gaze that the cityfolk gathered once a week to settle disputes and to judge those who had broken the laws of gods and men.

Five main thoroughfares met at this, the largest square in the city of Ran Ithor, a broad expanse of ironstone flags only a short walk from the Autarch's palace and the city's gaol. A number of prominent guilds had their halls here, and no fewer than seven temples overlooked the square. It took its name from the four great statues that dominated the space, one at each point of the compass. To the east stood proud Avane, the all-seeing god of justice. To the west stooped Telanis, god of fate. To the north was the radiant Neritha, the Lady of Light, goddess of life. And to the south stood the cowled Nerisis, Lady of Shades, goddess of death. Under their knowing gaze, the cityfolk gathered once a week to settle disputes and to judge those who had broken the laws of gods and men.

My changes may not be as graceful as your original writing, and you could probably do a better job of fixing the problem yourself, but I've eliminated five unnecessary wases.

[Culhwch]

Thanks for the input, guys. You are absolutely right, Teresa. The passive voice and I are old foes. I have a little bit more, but I'll try and bang it into better shape before I post any of it.

[Teresa Edgerton]

Well, I wish you would resolve your differences with the passive voice, and then finish and sell something, because I would like to read it.

[Ash]

Nice. I liked it a lot. Sounds like some kind of well planned caper is about to go down from what little information we have the characters already appeal to me

The only thing that sounded off to me:

the sound of the coin hitting the flagstones had rang out across the square

that's one noisy coin!

[Sephiroth]

You write very well. It's well structured, and easy to read. I enjoyed it.

And I empathise with your passive voice struggles.

A couple of very minor points:

the vogue

I would say in vogue, or the fashion (or something).

backed hastily away

It sounds better as 'hastily backed away'.

had rang

The problem here is that it should be 'had rung'.

But actually.....even better (IMO) would be:

The men were advancing before the sound of the coin hitting the flagstones rang out across the square.

[Culhwch]

Yeah, I struggled with that sentence. It copped a few rewrites, and still never sat quite right. Thanks, guys. Good pointers all round, and it's good hear you like it!

[Green]

Cul, I haven't read the other comments yet, so apologies if I retread ground (but then at least you'll know if more than one person shares the same opinion).

I think I've said before that your writing is technically very good, and this piece is no different. There are a few places throughout where I would make alterations, so I've done some comments on the first paragraph as an example (hope you don't mind), so you get the sort of thing I'm talking about. All a question of personal preference in the end, I think, but those would be my suggestions.

A quiet rain fell on the Square of Four Gods, washing from it all its colour and dulling its usual noisy bustle. The drizzle began at dawn and persisted through the morning, but there was still a sizeable crowd there, huddled beneath oilskins and heavy wool. The trial would be a relatively cosy affair -the Autarch's guards had little trouble manning the temporary wooden barricades that held the mob back. Belias was thankful for that. It would make his job easier.

Your second paragraph shows some nice detail and you can tell you've done some decent worldbuilding. I think it reads a little like a city guide sometimes (e.g. "The palace is just over there on your left, and behind you, you'll see a statue of a naked woman" kind of thing), so maybe find a smoother way to get this info across. I was thinking something along the lines of "The square held court at the very centre of the city, and depending which way you faced, it was just a short walk from both the palace and the gaol. It was perhaps no coincidence that all the guilds had taken residence there." Just trying to set the guilds up as dodgy gits with that sentence, but I realise it may not match your narrative style.

The third paragraph sets the scene nicely. We know now what kind of trial it is to be, and a duel is almost certainly going to be more interesting than a traditional trial at this early stage in the story. I would split this paragraph up a bit, perhaps into two or three. Quite a lot happens in it.

I think your dialogue is very good - it feels real, and you have got the balance between tags and minimalism pretty much spot on, imo. You also give the woman who talks to Belias a good amount of description - I get an image of her ("boots of good leather" was a nice touch), but you're not telling me what colour her eyes are or how many teeth she still has left, thank god.

I think the second half of the scene, where Sabine turns up and they have a chat, works a bit better for me than the first half. Like I said above, you have some decent worldbuilding to show me, but the faster pace of the second half works better for me. I'm not saying get rid of the setup at the beginning, but I would prefer it moved on a bit faster (for example, when you name the gods and what they are gods of, I think this could be more minimal... I can learn about these gods later in the book if they're important). I think this is just another personal preference.

Overall I have to say I thought it was really good, and I would want to read on if I read this first part. The conversation right at the end was a decent hook and just the sort of thing I like to read in a prologue/first chapter, so I would be interested to read more.

Belias nodded. ‘And if we fail?’

‘Then we fail and it is done.’

Brilliant.

I hope some of this helps, but in the end all my comments are just minor suggestions - you have written this scene very well I think.

EDIT - also, don't worry too much about having to take a break from the writing. I go through the same thing from time to time, and then it's followed by a really prolific bout. Sometimes, forcing it just results in garbage. Just keep going and you will get there eventually You'd better - I would like to read the whole thing.

[Giovanna Clairval]

Rubescant has no cutting and slashing to effect, here, given the suggestions of my fellow-Chrons.

So, I will add just my 2 cents.

Here's the thing:















Don't.


Give.


Up.


Writing.


EVER!


And get published, for the seven darped Inferni!!!

[Culhwch]

Thanks for the encouragement, Green and Giovanna. And for your suggestions, Green. There were certainly a few turns of phrase you dotted in there that hit me right away in an 'Of course!' kind of way. I'll have to have a look back over it, but I think for the time being I'll forge on while it's coming...

[Precise Calibre]

I really liked this piece. I'm very curious as to what the two in the crowd are planning, as well as whether or not it was Sabine (as she was making her way to Belias) the defendant winked to, or someone else. Very alluring overall.

regarding:

"The men were advancing before the sound of the coin hitting the flagstones had rang out across the square."

Maybe something like

"The men began advancing on eachother even before the sound of the coin on the flagstones had rung out across the square."

Maybe... it really is a tricky sentence to form properly for the right impact.

Anyways, keep up the good work!