Query letter advice

[Mr Baatard]

Hi! This is a revision of my original query letter, which is now enjoying a 100% rejection rate. I'd appreciate opinions on this letter; what works, what doesn't. Thanks for your time!

Date

Agent’s name

Contact information


Dear Name:

Spanner Tenganden is an immortal with supernatural powers, though all he wants is an ordinary life. Wandering through lonely centuries without purpose, desperate not to use his incredible abilities, he finds direction in the Elbestran Colonies, a land of settlers struggling under the rule of a tyrannical archduke. It is in the Elbestran Colonies that Spanner may at last find a place he can call home forever.

But when Spanner and his friends engineer a revolution for independence, he discovers that powerful wizards have conspired against him for centuries . . . a fact only made worse by the fact that the woman he loves is the daughter of the leader of the conspiracy. Now, Spanner's quest is more than achieving his dream of independence and a peaceful life, but becomes a journey to rid the world of magic and destroy wizardry forever. New Elbestran: The First Tale of Spanner is 144,000+ MS words, and is the first in a proposed trilogy.

I have served on active duty in the United States Army for twelve years. I am an avid reader of fiction, philosophy, and historical non-fiction. Additionally, I am a well-practiced public speaker and small-group instructor. I believe my military service has provided me valuable insight and experience towards creating an authentic portrayal of a nation embroiled in war.

Per the submission guidelines posted on your website, I’ve enclosed (whatever they ask for). Please contact me if you need additional information. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[iansales]

Is your protagonist really called Spanner?

[I, Brian]

IMO you're in the wrong format already - have you actually read into what people want from a query letter?

From what I understand of it, all they want is a basic "hello, please find attached the first three chapters of the [genre] novel, [novel title", and that you put a synopsis in a synopsis document, rather than try to cram your novel's info into the first paragraphs of a query letter.

For further reading on the submissions process, something like Carol Blake's "From Pitch to Publication" could be helpful.

[Meadowhawk]

The forlorn, disgruntled, and reluctant hero is not a new idea. It does have great potential for character arc--however, it doesn't make a good hook. You need to find your hook, and hit me with it first! There are some hints of it with tyranny, revolution, impossible love... but if I wasn't reading for critique, I may not have gotten that far in your letter.

My 2 cents. (Critics always go better with smileys)

:: edit:: oops, I posted over Brian. I would say there's nothing wrong with having a short pitch in the query letter--I see them all the time. Something concise to motivate me to want to read the sample chapters--however each publisher is going to have different requirements. Some won't take chapters, only a query and synopsis. Some will want a DNA sample for consideration.

[Havlen]

The query lacks a hook. One trick is to start with a question (What would you do if you found out the women you loved is the daughter of your enemy?) and then give some basic information about the novel. You should also include the book's genre. Don't refer to the words as MS words. They are probably the same words outside of MS. Also, don't put a plus sign next to the word count. It implies that the book is not complete.

You should also go back through it and try to leave out as many words as possible. You have a few areas that have too many words like "... becomes a journey to rid the world of magic and destroy wizardry forever." You can leave out "and destroy wizardry forever" since that can be assumed by ridding the world of magic.

Remember, your query letter isn't just to tell the agent/editor what your story is about. You also must show them you are a good writer.

Also, leave out the ellipsis.

[Havlen]

Originally Posted by I, Brian

From what I understand of it, all they want is a basic "hello, please find attached the first three chapters of the [genre] novel, [novel title", and that you put a synopsis in a synopsis document, rather than try to cram your novel's info into the first paragraphs of a query letter.

That's the first time I've heard of an agent wanting a two sentence query letter. Not sure if its different in England, but the standard advice for querying over here is to put a couple of paragraphs that amount to a short synopsis in the query letter. A lot of agents do not want any type of manuscript submission with the query letter.

The big difference between the query and the synopsis is salesmanship. You want to hook the agent/editor with the query, and you want to show them you have a good story with the synopsis.

[Teresa Edgerton]

If the query letter goes by itself, without a proposal, then two paragraphs spent describing the story may not be too many. If it accompanies a synopsis and/or sample chapters, you want to stick with one sentence -- so that the agent or editor can get on with reading the proposal.

And I agree that, as written, it lacks a hook and the premise sounds a little too familiar. Even so, it may not be the query letter that has a 100% rejection rate; it could be what follows after. You may need to work on the synopsis.

Personally, I think starting out with a question sounds too tentative. You don't want to give the impression that the plot rambles around asking questions. You want the agent or editor to see that you have a clear and decisive idea of what your story is about -- which promises that all of the action and character development will lead to that point.

[SJAB]

I am in the midst of querying a novel at present. After trying to pitch two others before this, I have boiled down my approach to querying.

I prepare a basic email query letter and a basic snail mail one.

Most agents/publishers only want a basic query letter by email. If they want sample pages/full synopsis either attached, or in the body of the email they say so. Also some want more personal details than others. If they mention what I term "extras" in their submission guide, I make sure I put them in.

With snail mail, most state what you can send, anything from a one page synopsis to a full ten pager. Twenty-five pages of the novel to one hundred, or two/three chapters. All want a SAE. I normally drop the "hook" with a snail mail one, but not always.

Anyway, my current basic email query. (Versions of this have so far resulted in requests for sample chapters from four agencies)


Dear ............

I would like to submit the following query for my novel, Hand of Glory, for your consideration.

Hand of Glory is a 97,000 word supernatural historical thriller.

Passchendaele 1917; Capt Robert Hardy is trapped on the wire, wounded in mind and body, convinced he should be dead. This is the beginning of his battle to come home, to bring with him, and lay to rest, the ghosts of the men who will never leave the fields of Flanders. His goal is to protect them and their memory from a thief, who not only stole their possessions on the battlefield, but is also intent on using the grief of family to make money by holding out the false hope of contact with the departed. Hardy is helped in his struggle to accept his own survival and catch the thief by a new friend, Agnes Reed, and the ghost of an old one, Corporal George Adams. Set in the torn fields of Flanders and a small English county town, Hand of Glory deals with the aftermath of a war whose affects have touched each generation since.

My previous publications are:

Short story, Death Won’t Be Cheated, accepted for the third issue of the award-winning magazine, Event Horizon by Mam-Tor Publishing.(The magazine was voted Best Graphic Novel of 2006 by the London International Festival of Science Fiction and Film)

Flash fiction story, Aftermath, was published in the 2006 first edition of the Australian Anthology, FlashSpec, published by EQ books. The story was also among those nominated in the SF short story section for the Aurealis Awards in Queensland, Australia for 2006.

Short story, All Things Seen, sold to Meadowhawk Press, for publication in their anthology Touched by Wonder, published in October 2007. A portion of the proceeds from the sale of this book will be donated to Breast Cancer Research and Awareness.

Flash fiction story, Thorns, sold to EQ books for FlashSpec Volume Two published in July 2007.

Thank you for reading my proposal.

Best Regards

[Tirellan]

Originally Posted by Havlen

That's the first time I've heard of an agent wanting a two sentence query letter. Not sure if its different in England, but the standard advice for querying over here is to put a couple of paragraphs that amount to a short synopsis in the query letter. A lot of agents do not want any type of manuscript submission with the query letter.

The big difference between the query and the synopsis is salesmanship. You want to hook the agent/editor with the query, and you want to show them you have a good story with the synopsis.

Yeah it is almost entirely different in the UK. You don't need the pitch letter with the one paragraph hook that everyone stresses over so much, because just about every UK agency takes what you would think of as a partial as their basic submisison package.

[Havlen]

Originally Posted by Tirellan

Yeah it is almost entirely different in the UK. You don't need the pitch letter with the one paragraph hook that everyone stresses over so much, because just about every UK agency takes what you would think of as a partial as their basic submisison package.

That's probably a better way of doing it. In the end, it's the writing that counts. Though I can understand why agents over here often prefer just a query letter considering how many queries they must get a day.

[I, Brian]

The point I'm making is to ensure that you follow submission guidelines - it's not so much an issue of UK vs USA IMO, but simply one of ensuring you submit as requested by the agents you are submitting to so far as you understand it.

2c.

[SJAB]

Originally Posted by I, Brian

The point I'm making is to ensure that you follow submission guidelines - it's not so much an issue of UK vs USA IMO, but simply one of ensuring you submit as requested by the agents you are submitting to so far as you understand it.

2c.

Exactly.

Though, I had to chuckle at a recent rejection, after rejecting me the agent mentioned that I could order a copy of Carole Blake's From Pitch to Publication from them at a special knock down price, which included postage and packing!

[Meadowhawk]

Originally Posted by SJAB

...after rejecting me the agent mentioned that I could order a copy of Carole Blake's From Pitch to Publication from them at a special knock down price, which included postage and packing!

There you go, Sue. Write a book on how to pitch a manuscript. Self publish it. File a DBA as a literary agent. Never sell a mss to a publisher, reject everything that gets sent to you, and sell them your book! You could retire on that one!

[SJAB]

Originally Posted by Meadowhawk

There you go, Sue. Write a book on how to pitch a manuscript. Self publish it. File a DBA as a literary agent. Never sell a mss to a publisher, reject everything that gets sent to you, and sell them your book! You could retire on that one!

Now that's idea and I would have a 50 page thread on Absolutewrite to go with it.ROFL!


Seriously, writing a query letter is harder I feel than writing a novel. You research the agents/publishers, hope you are hitting the target, but in the end I feel when your writing has reached a certain level, a lot depends on the personal taste of the agent/editor and what they are looking for at that moment in time. That of course can change, so a story you submitted in May, might have been taken up if it was submitted in October...

[Kissmequick]

The query letter isn't so bad, but writing a good synopsis is like pulling teeth!

In the UK at least, it's been said in many places that some agents/publishers won't bother to read the synopsis / sample if the query letter that you send with it is'nt both well written and contains something to pique their interest. Of course, others never bother to read the letter and go straight to the synopsis. Best to cover yourself really - if they don't read the letter, well no problem. If they do and you just send one which basically says *here is my book, read it*, you won't get very far.....