Too many big words?

[Michael]

My friend and I have had this on-going argument for years. He honestly knows very little about literary conventions but sometimes he still has a relevant point to make and I listen. However, he says that I use too many big words and that I have a problem with consulting the Thesaurus too much. Below is an example that he would say has too many big words. Is this a valid criticism?

Soon the fog dissipated, transposed by an equally infinite darkness. The sound/voice seemed to echo continuously. Linda plunged into an inky, putrescent body of liquid. Engulfed instantly, the sable plasma suffocated her as she endeavored to attain the surface. She swam upward for an eternity, praying for a breathable atmosphere, and believed that the surface no longer existed in her reality--until she exploded into air. She gulped mouthfuls of precious oxygen as if it were Ambrosia, the food of the gods.

"Linda . . . stay away . . . stay awaaay . . ."

Blind and drenched in liquid corruption, Linda wafted through a virtual sea in the ubiquitous night. She tried to locate the origin of the voice.

[littlemissattitude]

Michael, I wouldn't say that you use "too many big words". I will say that I'm not sure that "transposed by" is exactly the right phrase to use in the first line...I might have used "replaced by", or perhaps "transformed into" instead. I'm also not sure about "endeavored to attain the surface". I might have used instead, "attempted to reach the surface". "Endeavored" has always seemed like kind of an awkward word to me, and "attain" just doesn't feel right to me in that context, although I don't think it is an inappropriate usage, generally. Other than that, I don't have any problem with the size or use of your words in this passage.

Just my two cents' worth.

[Michael]

Thank you, littlemiss, I appreciate the feedback. Those phrases you pointed out do seem a bit awkward and sound better when simplified.

[Stargazer1976]

I have to agree that reach the surface was my instant thought.

As for too many big words, I would say it depends in large part on what they are. Like putrescent, I have no idea what that is.

Usually when I use the thesaurus I look for medium range words. Ones that are not beyond most peoples vocabulary but not the same old boring words either. If I can't find a word that I like I will go with the more boring one there and see if perhaps I could make a nearby word more lively ( of a higher vocabulary nature ) through the use of my thesaurus. There is nothing wrong with having some everyday words in places you feel capable of the bigger words. In the end I would say your friend may have a somewhat valid point, but not as though your completely over the top with it.

[Michael]

Thank you, Stargazer. I must admit that I wondered if another word might not fit better than "putrescent." I also thought that it might not change the context significantly if I took it out altogether. I do try to use words like this sparingly, and I think about how it sounds when read aloud and about repetition.

[Lacedaemonian]

A few of the words seem forced into the sentence, perhaps because they come so thick and fast. Use the 'big' words when you really want to make a statement, or when the natural flow of the sentence allows for it. I am not a big fan of Sci Fi so I am unsure whether or not this is a genre feature. Keep it simple, and write fantasy!

[Michael]

Actually, it is fantasy. Its a story about Witches, Mages, and Warriors. Of course, that isn't clear in the context so I forgive you--this time.

However, I agree, Lace. When I read it aloud to my friend the other night some of it seemed out of place.

[knivesout]

This is a tricky question, and I'd say that aesthetic considerations are just as important. In this sentence, 'Blind and drenched in liquid corruption, Linda wafted through a virtual sea in the ubiquitous night.', the big words seem to be piled on a bit too much. If you're using them as part of rhythm, alliteration, internal rhyme or some other special effect, I wouldn't mind, but as it stands, the word ubiquitous just seems like a bit too much here. In other places, your use of 'big words' seems fine, although 'transposed' seemed a bit off to me, too.

[Michael]

Wow. Everyone has been incredibly helpful. Thanks again.

I've made some of the changes suggested and the passage seems to work much better. As for the last two sentences, I combined them into one. How does this sound:

"Blind and drenched in liquid corruption, she tried to locate the origin of the voice."

[Stargazer1976]

I like it but will still throw in my own suggestion.
How about
she sought out the origin of the corruption.
or
she began to search out ????

[Hypes]

Read some China Mièville; that man knows how to use his vocabulary and still keep the pace.

Big words for the sake of big words are nothing but a detriment. Your writing should always have something to say, not preen itself smugly.

[Circus Cranium]

I think most of the words were chosen well; obviously not for the sake of thesaurus-itis. I only had trouble with this one sentence.........


(the sable plasma suffocated her as she endeavored to attain the surface)
Endeavored to........that's too much, and it takes away from the action of the imagery.

[Teresa Edgerton]

I think the best rule is to never use a big (or unusual) word when a shorter or more familiar one would do as well or better. Of course, there are other things to be considered as well, like mood and tone and how many times you've already used a word in that same sentence or paragraph. For instance, "sable" is a very good word if you're tired of saying "black."

On the other hand, I wonder if you really need to keep telling your reader over and over how dark everything was. Since you've just stated that she was swimming in an inky liquid, reminding us just a few words later that it was a sable plasma seems a bit overwritten.

Also, it's a good idea never to use a word out of a Thesaurus unless its a word you are already quite familiar with and feel confident about using, since they don't give you lists of exact synonyms, nor discuss the different shades of meaning a word might have. A Thesaurus is good for helping you dig out that word that was already there at the back of your mind, but it's no substitute for a wide-ranging and expressive working vocabulary.

For instance, ubiquitous, though it does mean omnipresent, has more of a temporal feel to it than a spatial one. It's usually used of something or someone that keeps recurring or turning up, not of something that is vast in extent, or enveloping and all pervasive -- which I think is what you are really trying to say.

Also, if the fog dissipates, it could hardly have been infinite (as you imply by comparing it to the darkness), since it wouldn't have any place to dissipate to (already being everywhere). Of course there is a place for poetic exaggeration (you can say the fog is infinite when you mean that it only SEEMED infinite) but not if you contradict it in the same sentence.

It might help if you were to consider your viewpoint character. Since all these things are being experienced by Linda, you might ask yourself, "What words would SHE use to describe her impressions." If she's a poet or an English professor she might habitually use expressions like "putrescent liquid" and "ubiquitous night" (which has a great sound to it, by the way, just not in that sentence) but otherwise, you, the writer, may be coming between Linda and the reader.

[littlemissattitude]

Originally Posted by Kelpie

Also, it's a good idea never to use a word out of a Thesaurus unless its a word you are already quite familiar with and feel confident about using, since they don't give you lists of exact synonyms, nor discuss the different shades of meaning a word might have. A Thesaurus is good for helping you dig out that word that was already there at the back of your mind, but it's no substitute for a wide-ranging and expressive working vocabulary.

On using a thesaurus...I've found that the Mirriam-Webster 11th edition dictionary, when it lists synonyms for a word, also gives an idea of how each synonym is used or the shade of meaning that it takes. I've found that to be very helpful. Sometimes, when I'm using a regular thesaurus that doesn't do that but just lists the synonyms, I've been know to take the time to look up some of the synonyms in a dictionary in order to decide which synonym would work the best for the context in which I'm using it. It takes a little bit of time to do, but I think it's worth it.

[Michael]

You have all been very helpful and appreciate it. My work really has improved a lot with all that I've learned here.

I've revised the passage in the following manner, and I'm going through the whole book to clean up more like it. I must admit, it really does seem more effective.

Soon the fog dissipated, replaced by an equally infinite darkness. The sound/voice seemed to echo continuously. Linda plunged into an inky body of liquid that suffocated her as she attempted to reach the surface. She swam upward for eternity, praying for a breathable atmosphere, and believed that the surface no longer existed in her reality--until she exploded into air. She gulped mouthfuls of precious oxygen as if it were Ambrosia, the food of the gods.

"Linda . . . stay away . . . stay awaaay . . ."

Blind and drenched in liquid corruption, Linda tried to locate the origin of the voice.