The Craft Teens

[Giovanna Clairval]

Arktos Kallos,

Congratulations for the prize.

There is a possibility that your critiquers were readers that are part of a jury. Authors and editors don't have that kind of time, for critiquing without dineros, I mean. The price of critique ranges from $700 to $1900...
They could also be young proofreaders that get payed for the job, but much less.

Why don't you simply ask if the critique was done by a reader, a proofreader, an editor or an author? Knowing from whom the critique comes is important.

One of my beta-readers (the friend of a friend) complained about the lack of descriptions "condensed-in-one-point" , and suggested the "mirror" thing, which had me gaping. Later on, I learned that the lady's favourite author was Dan Brown. I respectfully declined her offer of further reading.

Edit: sorry for my hijacking the thread, Teens.

[dustinzgirl]

There's a lot of good info in the crits above, but this para:

"“Remember dear, I am psychic,” she finished. Virginia Pebble was indeed psychic. And in that alone was her students’ confidence that she was a real nut job."

Is just too much. Does anybody talk like that? She sounds very old and chiding. The following sentence needs no "indeed.." It needs no affirmation at all. She said it, why would she lie? Unless she was lying, readers will take the majority of what is said at face value and repetition makes the reading duller.

So, in short, I think you would benefit from descriptive action and specific tone throughout the story. Not a lot needs to be added, just easy stuff...

It just feels like nobody really DOES anything. They are just kind of hanging out in a gray gooey place.

Also, I really hate the term biracial. I don't necessarily believe in race, I think ethnicity (culture + genetic heritage) is more distinctive.

You can describe the people as you describe the situation:

She chewed on her black braid, a habit since she was little. Her bright blue eyes blinked behind dark sunglasses, and she hoped-just for a moment-that the reddish tan of her skin would not create a stir as she entered the courtyard. This time, she was one of them. She had to glance at the ring on her finger to remind herself not to grab the platter and offer it to the fair skinned ladies and gents.

OK that was just an example, but it was an example of how to describe someone and their surroundings. Readers like knowing the who, yes, but more so we like knowing how that person perceives their surroundings, or how the surroundings perceive them.

But, all in all take this not as advice, or even direction, but more as the meanderings of an as of yet unpublished aspiring writer myself. It is so much easier when you are on the critiquing side, lol.

[thecraftteens]

You can describe the people as you describe the situation:

She chewed on her black braid, a habit since she was little. Her bright blue eyes blinked behind dark sunglasses, and she hoped-just for a moment-that the reddish tan of her skin would not create a stir as she entered the courtyard. This time, she was one of them. She had to glance at the ring on her finger to remind herself not to grab the platter and offer it to the fair skinned ladies and gents.

Thanks for posting that. Now I see what I was doing wrong. I was kind of giving a list, like:

She is this person and she looks like this.
He is this person and he looks like this.

That does get a bit boring after the first one. I just wish I could write descriptions like you all.
I also have a big problem with describing scenes like:

The red chair shook violently then zoomed back to its original position. Damon got his leveling on the wardrobe cabinet and hoisted himself inside. He closed the double doors. Everything went pitch black. Too dark to see anything. Damon shook his head. This wasn’t going to suffice. He had to see who was coming. He pointed his finger straight ahead to where he was sure the door was.

These characters are warlocks and witches, so there are battle scenes, but all I can think of to say is:

This one threw that spell, then the other one dodged, then threw a spell at the first.

[Commonmind]

Dustin said exactly what I was attempting to, perhaps a bit more eloquently than my own explanation. And yes, that's exactly the point we were trying to make. As for the trouble you're having with your descriptions, don't fret. You're 17 years old and still learning (and that never changes, no manner how many works you have published). I think this may be another D. Gerrold quote, but just remember that "your first million words are practice." Don't get discouraged because you have problems stringing words together, just keep at it. Like anything else creative, writing is an art-form, and anyone that hopes to become a master (or at the very least, competent) has to work at it.

[Jarshen]

Hi Craft Teens,

Adding my pitch, apologies for the colour, seem to be stuck here.

Good voice, confident, Just wanted to say what I got from your stuff.


Nick Banner was no ordinary child. In fact, he was as far from normal as an individual could possibly be.
Great first lines, work with these. So what is he.

First of all, he was a warlock.
A warlock, fine but this is now special, and you need to spend time on it. Or run through every day things he can or can't do. You have said something major about him.

So were his other three accomplices, Matt Hawkin, Damon Brown, and Raven Simale.
Accomplices are not just friends they are actively involved with something, already there is a plot in four lines.

Except for Raven, who of course, was a girl and considered a witch.
Raven might be a boy's name, so, of course, introduces us to you, and the fact that for you Raven is a girl's name. And she is a witch.
Considered by whom.

It is a big start. I like it.

[dustinzgirl]

Originally Posted by thecraftteens

[/i][/color]

Thanks for posting that. Now I see what I was doing wrong. I was kind of giving a list, like:

She is this person and she looks like this.
He is this person and he looks like this.

That does get a bit boring after the first one. I just wish I could write descriptions like you all.
I also have a big problem with describing scenes like:

The red chair shook violently then zoomed back to its original position. Damon got his leveling on the wardrobe cabinet and hoisted himself inside. He closed the double doors. Everything went pitch black. Too dark to see anything. Damon shook his head. This wasn’t going to suffice. He had to see who was coming. He pointed his finger straight ahead to where he was sure the door was.

These characters are warlocks and witches, so there are battle scenes, but all I can think of to say is:

This one threw that spell, then the other one dodged, then threw a spell at the first.

Yes, much better. But it does help to have the list to keep referring back to as you work on it, so don't throw that away.

And like Common said, don't fret. Heck, I'm almost 30 and I still screw up a lot more than I don't when it comes to writing fiction.

"These characters are warlocks and witches, so there are battle scenes, but all I can think of to say is:

This one threw that spell, then the other one dodged, then threw a spell at the first."

That would make a great outline, then fill in the descriptive action later. That way, you know who is doing what and when they are doing it, you can add in the character, the scene, the why's later.

[Giovanna Clairval]

What Dgirl says is so true.
Don't fret. Work work work. It's the only way.

[jenna]

I'd just like to say, one can absolutely speak with a sigh. I do it all the time. The sentences are normally along the lines of "fine, do what you want..." or "if you say so..." or some other defeatist line.

[timelord4]

Hi, TCT.

I agree with all the above.

Describing settings, actions and characters is a process of elimination, depending on the circumstances and what you want to say. Personally, I write what comes into my mind so that the frenzy remains while it's still running. During my first edit however, I tidy eveything up. Grammar and punctuation comes last (after my changes).

As an example. I will write something like this:

She was beautiful and Mathau couldn’t keep his eyes off her. He felt attracted to her but distrusted his feelings. It was her eyes that filled him with anxiety, and a mouth that turned down in a sneer. She turned to him and thrust out her chin in defiance.

The edit will have me polish this up a bit:

Again, his eyes were drawn to her face, beautiful as it was. It both repulsed and attracted Mathau at the same time, as if poles of a magnet. Beneath long dark lashes were eyes that spoke only of pain and suffering, and a mouth that screamed lies and deceit. She placed one hand on her outthrust hip and sneered at him.

The end product may have me delete this completely, or tidied up further. But whatever, I never throw anything away. I copy it into a 'bits and pieces' file (a whole 500 pages of it to date) and trawl through it often when I need that something which slots in exactly where I need it.

But can you see how the character(s) can come to life by a few subtle changes?

Hope that helps.

Cheers, TL

[Ursa major]

Originally Posted by Giovanna Clairval

Why don't you simply ask if the critique was done by a reader, a proofreader, an editor or an author? Knowing from whom the critique comes is important.

The critique was done by someone who works for a literary consultancy here in the UK; I won't name them here. From the work they have done as an editor (for the likes, I seem to remember, of Martin Amis*), I would guess this person knows what they're doing. But as others have said, personal tastes and opinions play a large part in all of this.

* The only work of Amis that I have read is London Fields; I can't say I enjoyed it that much; it's all a matter of taste, I suppose.

And I too apologise for thread hijacking.

[Peter Graham]

Hello Craft Teens,

I am a little concerned. Twice in a relatively short thread you have felt compelled to state that your book is not like Harry Potter. Now, it may not be in the final analysis, but at first glance the similarities are...um...significant. The problem with writing a back story which has so much in common with a recent blockbuster is that everyone will accuse you of plagiarism. Look at all of the sub-Tolkien fantasy out there. None of it is ever a patch on the original. Never repeat a success and all that.

That said, your plot summary looks promising. I think you should take it entirely out of the magical school and drop it into a new setting. Leave the Hogwarts comparisons on the cutting-room floor. Magical children who are home-tutored by their witch auntie?

Regards,

Peter

[thecraftteens]

Okay, I fixed a little of the except I posted. What about this:


Nick Banner sighed and ruffled his reddish-blonde hair. "How on earth am I going to get out of this one?"
A skinny, lanky kid of thirteen, he had gotten himself into a pickle again. He drummed his fingers meditately on his desk.

"Don't know," Raven replied, running her fingers through her long jet-black hair.

Her carmel-colored face showed an expression of most concern.
"I know---" she began. "You can sneak into his office while he's on coffe break and get it back!"

Earlier that morning, before school, Nick had had this maniacal idea to go into the principal's office and place an enlarged field rat in his desk.

"The guy had it coming to him."

This was Nick's excuse to Raven when she urged him not to do it.

Matt looked up from his desk. His small, blue eyes squinted as he tried to read the chalk board.

"No dice," he whispered, trying to keep his voice low as Ms. Pebble, their Conjuration teacher, looked up from her desk to see who would dare utter so much as a syllable without her consent.

"Why?" Raven whispered back.

"Because," Matt said, his grayish-black hair curtained over his round, pale face. "Noxzum doesn't leave his office for a coffee break until nine."


I know I have a ways to go before I get it completely right, but I have taken everyone's advice and I am thankful you all took your time to respond. Of course, I won't post the entire story, as you guys and gals are not here to edit, but to steer those that are lost in the right direction.

[Commonmind]

Originally Posted by thecraftteens

Okay, I fixed a little of the except I posted. What about this:


Nick Banner sighed and ruffled his reddish-blonde hair. "How on earth am I going to get out of this one?"
A skinny, lanky kid of thirteen, he had gotten himself into a pickle again. He drummed his fingers meditately on his desk.

"Don't know," Raven replied, running her fingers through her long jet-black hair.

Her carmel-colored face showed an expression of most concern.
"I know---" she began. "You can sneak into his office while he's on coffe break and get it back!"

Earlier that morning, before school, Nick had had this maniacal idea to go into the principal's office and place an enlarged field rat in his desk.

"The guy had it coming to him."

This was Nick's excuse to Raven when she urged him not to do it.

Matt looked up from his desk. His small, blue eyes squinted as he tried to read the chalk board.

"No dice," he whispered, trying to keep his voice low as Ms. Pebble, their Conjuration teacher, looked up from her desk to see who would dare utter so much as a syllable without her consent.

"Why?" Raven whispered back.

"Because," Matt said, his grayish-black hair curtained over his round, pale face. "Noxzum doesn't leave his office for a coffee break until nine."


I know I have a ways to go before I get it completely right, but I have taken everyone's advice and I am thankful you all took your time to respond. Of course, I won't post the entire story, as you guys and gals are not here to edit, but to steer those that are lost in the right direction.

It's still a little stiff, and in those spots I emphasized in bold, it became obvious what you were trying to accomplish. This may sound contrary to what some of us suggested, but try not to over-think it as well.

There are some other details I would really like to point out, but I haven't the time...unfortunately. If I'm free later I'll make a few more suggestions.

[Giovanna Clairval]

Hi, the Crafteens,

My gentle and serviceable sword stormbrought in here and began cutting off sentences in an indiscriminate fashion. I tried to stop it, to no avail. You’ll find your text butchered here. I am in no way responsible for the carnage, no more than Elric the Necromancer is.



Nick Banner sighed, thinking of the large rat he had put on Noxzum’s desk in the morning . "How on earth am I going to get out of this one?"

"Don't know," Raven replied in a concerned voice. "Well… You can sneak into his office and get the rat back!"

Matt looked up from his desk, squinting as he tried to read the chalk board. "No dice," he whispered, trying to keep his voice low.

Ms. Pebble, their Conjuration teacher, looked up from her desk to see who would dare utter so much as a syllable without her consent.

"Why?" Raven whispered back.

"Because," Matt said. "I can’t get that rat back right now. We’ll wait until Noxzum gets out for a coffee break. It’s at nine, right?."