The Deep Hours of the Night

[Hilarious Joke]

Also, I just realised there was a second page of posts, your second chapter is very good, and I hope you keep writing. AND I go to Macquarie Uni!

[Moraven]

Originally Posted by ysabara

Australia has a culture?

Haha, what a burn on your own country...actually that was brought up. One of the girls said "You know a lot of people say Australia doesn't even have culture..." Then the tut jumped in really quickly to try and disprove her. :P

[Moraven]

Originally Posted by Hilarious Joke

Also, I just realised there was a second page of posts, your second chapter is very good, and I hope you keep writing. AND I go to Macquarie Uni!

Hey that's awesome! How do you like it? Join the WANG Club! We all need grub. It's just a bunch of free BBQs, and it's the best.

Also, what are they doing with that square by the SAM? When I arrived, it was open and full of trees and grass. When I left, it was fenced of and there were rumors that they were paving it...

[ysabara]

Les Paterson...

He is my idol TBO .

Don't forget we also have Shane Warne ~ oh no, that's right. We transported him to the dark side of the world. Enjoy!

[Hilarious Joke]

Lol maybe I should join the WANG club. Boy, was I disappointed when I found out what that was. In the square by the SAM they've paved parts of it and put new grass down on others, I thought it was going to be bad but its actually okay. Hey did you do the creative writing courses while you were here, at mac uni?

[Moraven]

I didn't actually, since I was taking classes away from my major. I did have an English class that dealt with Australian novel...but we were looking at the writing, not doing it.

[timelord4]

hahah

Les Paterson ~ Good one TBO.

HJ, M:
Wow, Macquarrie Uni's not that remote after all. Sydney to Michigan, yeah!!

Hey D.
Les Paterson's your idol? ~ should have guessed *g*

[Jium]

Great story. The strongest points of this story are its hook and well-written first person narrative.


I do have one complaint, however.

The "change."

What exactly is it? So far, the only things the reader notices about this "change" is that David's skin turns coarse and black and he gains talons, like Scott. If this transformation of David from human into something else (presumably a demon) is supposed to be important, why does it seem so... unimportant? Shouldn't the transformation from a human to a supernatural being be much more dramatic? Yet David hardly seems changed at all; this is especially apparent because his first-person narrated thoughts seem unaffected. Why isn't David shocked, horrified, enamored, or dazed by his transformation? It's all too tame!

My suggestions would be to focus in on the moment when David transforms; what is happening to his entire body? His thoughts? His senses? His perception of reality? Then, include more detail or involve David's new nature into the scene at the supermarket.


I hope this helps. I'm trying to be constructively critical.